Faith Focused Dating. Create your Free Profile and meet your Match! Sign Up for Free

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

A place to learn, mingle, and share

Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

This is a tough one for me, because, I always was under the impression, that people closest to you, where the ones who knew who it was, who better suited you. Like in the example of the woman who regrets her divorce saying: "Ishould have listened to my mother," or all those "woman-flicks", where the heroine needs to decide whether the guy she met is the right one, and so she needs to take him to her parents for a "check" and to her friends.

This will probably cause controversy, but in my case it has been the opposite. I think it comes on the others "agenda". I now live in Germany and don't want to return to Costa Rica for various reasons, and that of course doesn't go well with my family, who would of course prefer me staying there and marrying a local. But I feel called to something else, to help rebuild the world with my training(environmental science) and my books(tours), and so staying there would not help me achieve that calling(IMHO).

On the other hand, I had a lady friend who would always give me bad advice on dating, because she wanted to have me all to herself, and so she posed as my "advisor", in disguise. That's why I don't believe in the friend zone, because the one there will always try to win the other person back.

Anyway, tell me what you think. I promise I won't "shoot" you, but please be charitable, really :0)
Jul 11 new
(quote) Carlos-977696 said: This is a tough one for me, because, I always was under the impression, that people closest to you, where the ones who knew who it was, who better suited you. Like in the example of the woman who regrets her divorce saying: "Ishould have listened to my mother," or all those "woman-flicks", where the heroine needs to decide whether the guy she met is the right one, and so she needs to take him to her parents for a "check" and to her friends.

This will probably cause controversy, but in my case it has been the opposite. I think it comes on the others "agenda". I now live in Germany and don't want to return to Costa Rica for various reasons, and that of course doesn't go well with my family, who would of course prefer me staying there and marrying a local. But I feel called to something else, to help rebuild the world with my training(environmental science) and my books(tours), and so staying there would not help me achieve that calling(IMHO).

On the other hand, I had a lady friend who would always give me bad advice on dating, because she wanted to have me all to herself, and so she posed as my "advisor", in disguise. That's why I don't believe in the friend zone, because the one there will always try to win the other person back.

Anyway, tell me what you think. I promise I won't "shoot" you, but please be charitable, really :0)
I think not - especially not in my case. Had she lived, my mother would have and my father could have; they're both gone... and life would have been entirely different had they lived on.

I've tried to extrapolate, but it seems a novel-length endeavor. I think this could go either way, it depends on the individual; the length and breadth of their interests, knowledge, and experience. Some people are like a wonderful tool (not "tool" in the current, derogative sense), relatively straight forward, well crafted, beautifully finished - and thus fairly easy to mate with a complementary tool; and together they produce beautiful work. Others are complex systems, and our tendency to simplify things leads to noble attempts to match one aspect or function of that system while leaving so many others unaddressed and unfulfilled.

No, Carlos, it's a fair question. Mostly it underscores the admonitions to "follow your own heart" and "Trust in God". Best of Luck to you!


Jul 11 new
I had a problem with my parents in regard to "what was best for me". When I began my Freshman year at the local (Greenwich Ct ) High School my mother insisted I select the school's "Commercial Course" , which I did , not knowing the course was essentialy training to become . secretary..

After only one week in the local High School , I was "yanked out'' and sent to a Catholic High School in New Rochelle NY which required traveling to and from school by train. I spent two years at this Catholic school and hated every minute of it!.This was not my parent's choice but a decision of the local Parish priest , a decision my parents accepted with acquiescence.

My father kept telling me that attending Catholic High School was "the chance of a lifetime" , an attitude I thought was hypocrisy because he had absolutely nothing to do with me attending a Catholic school ,and never once in his life had he set foot in a house of worship.

I'm proud to say I'm expert at what I do , and it began when I enrolled in a technical school operated by the State of Conecticut. Didn't cost my parents a dime ,and the State paid for my transportation.But I did this over my mother's objections and disapproval. If you asked her WHY she disaproved , she woudn't have an answer.

The end result was that I would reject any advise my parents would try to give me.



Jul 11 new
It depends Carlos. Sometimes family/friends close to you see things in a suitor that the person blinded by love doesn't see, but sometimes family/friends can be deceived also.

I agree with you that sometimes relatives/friends have their own agendas, even if their intentions are good.

In my case, my well intentioned mother didn't always form the right opinions about men I dated. There was one young man who was courting me (I was 19-20) who she didn't approve of just because he was younger than me and she wanted someone older, stabler and ready for marriage. Nothing developed from there but he wouldn't have been a bad choice. We are still friendly, and he is now a great husband and father. Shortly after that my parents were in love with my boyfriend who seemed perfect, but unbeknownst to them, he treated me terribly (and that's putting it mildly). My parents were crushed when we broke up.

If my family/friends were to object to someone I date, I would keep an open mind and pay attention to them, but they will have to justify well why they disapprove. I feel I am smart enough to make my own decisions about my relationships, and I want a man who would make his own decisions regarding me and our relationship.


Jul 11 new
(quote) David-870960 said: I think not - especially not in my case. Had she lived, my mother would have and my father could have; they're both gone... and life would have been entirely different had they lived on.

I've tried to extrapolate, but it seems a novel-length endeavor. I think this could go either way, it depends on the individual; the length and breadth of their interests, knowledge, and experience. Some people are like a wonderful tool (not "tool" in the current, derogative sense), relatively straight forward, well crafted, beautifully finished - and thus fairly easy to mate with a complementary tool; and together they produce beautiful work. Others are complex systems, and our tendency to simplify things leads to noble attempts to match one aspect or function of that system while leaving so many others unaddressed and unfulfilled.

No, Carlos, it's a fair question. Mostly it underscores the admonitions to "follow your own heart" and "Trust in God". Best of Luck to you!


Great answer. Yes Carlos, sometimes family does nto know us as well as we know oursleves. That said, some have the closest relationships with siblings. Sometimes when we are younger we make bad decisions and family may see the trouble ahead. After that stage, and we have learned something, we get better at making the better choices that fit us best---hopefully! Occasionally we have a dependent type parent who may genuinely believe no one is good enough for us and who may try to sabotage any coupling we may try to have. In such a case- one needs to move out into the world.
Jul 11 new
Josephine has made excellent points here. Some times family is just filled with theirdreamy agenda. My parents at one point had a business associate of my Dad's picked out for me and he took me out a bit but when he later didnt follow up whenhe moved, he ended up marrying someone else. He lacked somewhat in the sincerity department in many ways but they had a dreamy idea that he would be for me. I liked our date when we went out in a group a few times but he did not follow through with a good one on one friendship that really grew... In any case parents usually want their daughters to marry a guy that has financial stability and this guy did. He was somewhat arrogant... I would say... How does a woman fall in love with a guy who has that trait... ITmakesthe juiciness of any interaction kind of evaporate and go dry...unless he is willing to open up and get you to do so.. so that is alittle reflection on that........My brother could not stand him and my sister could nto stand him either.........
Jul 11 new
(quote) Marian-83994 said: Josephine has made excellent points here. Some times family is just filled with theirdreamy agenda. My parents at one point had a business associate of my Dad's picked out for me and he took me out a bit but when he later didnt follow up whenhe moved, he ended up marrying someone else. He lacked somewhat in the sincerity department in many ways but they had a dreamy idea that he would be for me. I liked our date when we went out in a group a few times but he did not follow through with a good one on one friendship that really grew... In any case parents usually want their daughters to marry a guy that has financial stability and this guy did. He was somewhat arrogant... I would say... How does a woman fall in love with a guy who has that trait... ITmakesthe juiciness of any interaction kind of evaporate and go dry...unless he is willing to open up and get you to do so.. so that is alittle reflection on that........My brother could not stand him and my sister could nto stand him either.........
What drives me crazy sometimes is that when I ask my friends or family for the reason they disapprove of a girl, they just go around it. One feels kind of manipulated. I've had to develop my own judgement and trust only in God's wisdom.
Jul 11 new
I think the opinion of family and friends could be one factor to consider in an overall relationship, but I wouldn't let their approval or disapproval dictate what I do.
Jul 11 new
(quote) Carlos-977696 said: What drives me crazy sometimes is that when I ask my friends or family for the reason they disapprove of a girl, they just go around it. One feels kind of manipulated. I've had to develop my own judgement and trust only in God's wisdom.
I think seeing a trusted objective and wise counselor can help one to grow in all of these areas and learn how to answer these questions as they fit your situation. Many people benefit from therapy and it can help a person learn more about themselves, their family, the situation they have been born into and their personal differences from others and uniqueness. I am in that field so I woudl recommend it and I believe in it. Most people who go through frustration over issues in life can use this type of help. Also when one is dealing with mood swings, depression or any dilemmas, it is a good source of help and support. Being far away from home can be depressing whether relationships at home are good or not good. Life is complicated.
Jul 12 new
(quote) Carlos-977696 said: This is a tough one for me, because, I always was under the impression, that people closest to you, where the ones who knew who it was, who better suited you. Like in the example of the woman who regrets her divorce saying: "Ishould have listened to my mother," or all those "woman-flicks", where the heroine needs to decide whether the guy she met is the right one, and so she needs to take him to her parents for a "check" and to her friends.

This will probably cause controversy, but in my case it has been the opposite. I think it comes on the others "agenda". I now live in Germany and don't want to return to Costa Rica for various reasons, and that of course doesn't go well with my family, who would of course prefer me staying there and marrying a local. But I feel called to something else, to help rebuild the world with my training(environmental science) and my books(tours), and so staying there would not help me achieve that calling(IMHO).

On the other hand, I had a lady friend who would always give me bad advice on dating, because she wanted to have me all to herself, and so she posed as my "advisor", in disguise. That's why I don't believe in the friend zone, because the one there will always try to win the other person back.

Anyway, tell me what you think. I promise I won't "shoot" you, but please be charitable, really :0)
I've seen what what happens when friends "friends"/"relatives", try to play match maker and it's always their friend, not your best interest why they would recommend you to that person, and in their mind, they think it's ok to settle. Well, already have played the settle gambit, it doesn't work, it just doesn't and life is too short to settle in the first place.

The other side of the coin, when you let go along caring what others are going to think, you are opening up your options in full, not just within their narrow perspective. Each person is an individual with unique capacities to appreciate and needs. This whole check list goes out the window when the chemistry is right, and you no longer look at conditions that you would normally be stipulated from before.

Our own flakiness and wishy washy mindsets along what is the norm, and tendency to categorize people, defining their limits and boundaries, just stifles the whole human equation. I can talk shop in the coffee business to a client and all they associate me with is, the guy that builds coffee carts, nothing more. I can do the same with different fields I'm involved in, and each time, the individual or group think's I'm just that one person, when the reality is, I'm all those and more. Due to the complexity of all of us, how can one fully ascertain who would be good for you.

In my world, I could appreciate such a wide variety of people, including in a spouse, that to define me being stuck with one certain age category, one certain profession, one certain aptitude, the list goes on and on, it would be virtually impossible to find someone that matches that, but the whole reality is, I can attest, as complex as I tend to be, some simple, sweet, down to earth young lady would make my heart happy, just as well as one that's just super on top of things, engaging, and complex.

I have found one of those very gals recently, and guess what, I'm breaking the status quo and pretty much, the heck with what my friends or family want to think, if she's right for me and my heart and I'm good for her and hers as well, who are they to oppose it. Also, love the local level face to face approach, so much has been expressed so far, and today bumping into her again, I can tell very much where this is headed, if I let it, just cautious along letting my heart get too far, I want to see if there are any red flags, and the latter, those are what friends and family are supposed to be helping you with, since one tends to see the other with foggy goggles.


Posts 1 - 10 of 15