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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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This guy....

Jul 13th 2013 new
I recently went on a Greyhound bus for a day and half each way (total 3 days) to meet a guy from Catholic Match. We had hit it off really great before the meeting. Texting 400+ times a day, skyping and phone calls after work. I guess after I took the time and money to meet him... his heart changed. The beginning of the time was great, but by the last day... it felt different. Friends would tell me it was because we were both sad our time together was over.

It was when I was going home that even the texts seemed to change. I would still try to text when I came home, but the responses were off. So Thursday I texted and got about a 60% response back. I then received a text at the end of the night that he was sorry and was "out of it" during the day. I thought perhaps he was getting sick, so on Friday I sent a few text messages asking how he was and that I still cared for him. I then sent the text I never wanted to send. Are you feeling we should just be friends? No response. Then I finally said I value communication (which I thought we shared) and I said I also value he may need space and I said I would not contact him until he contacted me. I then closed by saying I will pray for him and God bless.

He responded generically by saying sweet dreams, I work tomorrow and it will be slow at work. Nothing about my other texts. During the day I received advice from an old friend, not to contact him until he has contacted 3 times. Make him pursue me a little more. Now that is not bad advice, but he did do what I had asked in my text and contacted me.

I will be honest... I don't understand men. I realize perhaps I should take a step back, but how could feelings change so fast? I was not trying to be eager in my texts. I just wanted him to call.

He does have a history that I said I would forgive and forget since he wants to be a changed man... he is divorced. I realize he is busy with work and school. I understand that.I also know that perhaps he thinks he is ready to date... but may not be. I also realize the world does not revolve around me. I may not have been exactly what he imagined and he may not have been to me, but we shared a lot and I was willing to work and grow from everything.

I guess I am just frustrated. Here I felt like I found a guy that was 'the one' only to realize he was not or that it is a harder road than I thought with him. I guarded my heart and still dating and guys are hard for me to understand. This just kills me inside. I am trying to give this to the Lord... my heart is very broken, so I ask for kindness in your responses.

I guess I would love to know how I keep messing up. Why I am the one always so hurt... I am a good person and people love me (been told that), but with guys I just can't seem to get it right. I wish guys would share their feelings and not just disappear...

Thanks for listening
Jul 13th 2013 new
I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. It's really hard to feel like you were getting close to someone and feel so hopeful and then to suddenly feel so hopeless and confused all of a sudden. I've been there before.

Perhaps something about the face to face meeting made him feel that there was something about the match that didn't feel right to him. Maybe there was something in the physical "chemistry" that he just didn't feel clicked.

Please don't feel like you personally messed up. Maybe its more fair to say that the situation just wasn't the right one. It's unfortunate, but sometimes it just isn't right. Or maybe it is right and he's just a little scared right now, because that's sometimes how guys are and maybe a gentleman here can give you some insight into that. Either way, trust that God will give you the insight in time to understand. And in the meantime, give yourself permission to feel however it is that you feel. There's nothing wrong with feeling hurt and betrayed, because you did invest in this relationship and you were let down.

Relationships are confusing because people are confusing. No one's perfect and it sounds like you are handling this in a mature and responsible fashion. I don't know that you can do more than that! He's divorced - is he annulled as well? That's always a big red flag to watch out for, but otherwise, I would say just see where time goes. Face to face meetings are always a big step and like many things, only time will tell from there.
Jul 13th 2013 new
(quote) Amanda-692129 said: I recently went on a Greyhound bus for a day and half each way (total 3 days) to meet a guy from Catholic Match. We had hit it off really great before the meeting. Texting 400+ times a day, skyping and phone calls after work. I guess after I took the time and money to meet him... his heart changed. The beginning of the time was great, but by the last day... it felt different. Friends would tell me it was because we were both sad our time together was over.

It was when I was going home that even the texts seemed to change. I would still try to text when I came home, but the responses were off. So Thursday I texted and got about a 60% response back. I then received a text at the end of the night that he was sorry and was "out of it" during the day. I thought perhaps he was getting sick, so on Friday I sent a few text messages asking how he was and that I still cared for him. I then sent the text I never wanted to send. Are you feeling we should just be friends? No response. Then I finally said I value communication (which I thought we shared) and I said I also value he may need space and I said I would not contact him until he contacted me. I then closed by saying I will pray for him and God bless.

He responded generically by saying sweet dreams, I work tomorrow and it will be slow at work. Nothing about my other texts. During the day I received advice from an old friend, not to contact him until he has contacted 3 times. Make him pursue me a little more. Now that is not bad advice, but he did do what I had asked in my text and contacted me.

I will be honest... I don't understand men. I realize perhaps I should take a step back, but how could feelings change so fast? I was not trying to be eager in my texts. I just wanted him to call.

He does have a history that I said I would forgive and forget since he wants to be a changed man... he is divorced. I realize he is busy with work and school. I understand that.I also know that perhaps he thinks he is ready to date... but may not be. I also realize the world does not revolve around me. I may not have been exactly what he imagined and he may not have been to me, but we shared a lot and I was willing to work and grow from everything.

I guess I am just frustrated. Here I felt like I found a guy that was 'the one' only to realize he was not or that it is a harder road than I thought with him. I guarded my heart and still dating and guys are hard for me to understand. This just kills me inside. I am trying to give this to the Lord... my heart is very broken, so I ask for kindness in your responses.

I guess I would love to know how I keep messing up. Why I am the one always so hurt... I am a good person and people love me (been told that), but with guys I just can't seem to get it right. I wish guys would share their feelings and not just disappear...

Thanks for listening
Amanda,

As Pamela said, you do mention this man is divorced but you say nothing about an annulment.

If the marriage has not been annulled, the person is not ready to date regardless of what you may want to think.

This may simply be nothing more than this man saying to himself, "What am I doing? How can I start dating someone without an annulment? What was I THINKING?"




Jul 13th 2013 new
(quote) Amanda-692129 said: I recently went on a Greyhound bus for a day and half each way (total 3 days) to meet a guy from Catholic Match. We had hit it off really great before the meeting. Texting 400+ times a day, skyping and phone calls after work. I guess after I took the time and money to meet him... his heart changed.
I guess I am just frustrated. Here I felt like I found a guy that was 'the one' only to realize he was not or that it is a harder road than I thought with him. I guarded my heart and still dating and guys are hard for me to understand. This just kills me inside. I am trying to give this to the Lord... my heart is very broken, so I ask for kindness in your responses.

Just my .02 Cents... i don't see that you did anything wrong other than maybe having elevated expectations that this was "the one".. As i'm sure you know, "dating" is a process of discernment which includes not only talking to the person but getting out and seeing and doing things with them over a long period of time.
Even though you established what seems like a good friendship through skyping and texting, that was only the begining of moving forward in a possible relationship. So, assuming this was your first F2F, i would say this was kinda early to let yourself think he was "the one". Plus another thing to consider is everyone moves at a different pace, and maybe your friend is not at the same place you are.. If he values and respects who you are as a person, and if the "friendship' that you've shared up to this point are important to him, i'm sure he'll keep in contact with you. biggrin Praying
Jul 13th 2013 new
(quote) William-607613 said: Amanda,

As Pamela said, you do mention this man is divorced but you say nothing about an annulment.

If the marriage has not been annulled, the person is not ready to date regardless of what you may want to think.

This may simply be nothing more than this man saying to himself, "What am I doing? How can I start dating someone without an annulment? What was I THINKING?"




Good point, William.

Ape rson who is divorced without an annulment is not free to marry in the Church unless their spouse has died. Contrary to what many seem to believe, the granting of an annulment is far from assured: when you enter into a dating relationship with someone who is not free to marry in the Church, you take the risk of having to end the relationship in a very painful manner if their petition for an annulment is rejected. There is also the very real risk of ending up marrying outside the Church - and thus entering into a life of mortal sin. You may assume this will never happen to you, but over the years there have been a number of couples on CM who ended up marrying outside the Church because they wouldn't wait for an annulment or it was rejected. While you never know what is in another's heart, that w as the last outcome I would have expected for some of them, so it could happen to anyone.

When you play chicken with Satan, he very often wins.

Jul 13th 2013 new
(quote) Amanda-692129 said: I recently went on a Greyhound bus for a day and half each way (total 3 days) to meet a guy from Catholic Match. We had hit it off really great before the meeting. Texting 400+ times a day, skyping and phone calls after work. I guess after I took the time and money to meet him... his heart changed. The beginning of the time was great, but by the last day... it felt different. Friends would tell me it was because we were both sad our time together was over.

It was when I was going home that even the texts seemed to change. I would still try to text when I came home, but the responses were off. So Thursday I texted and got about a 60% response back. I then received a text at the end of the night that he was sorry and was "out of it" during the day. I thought perhaps he was getting sick, so on Friday I sent a few text messages asking how he was and that I still cared for him. I then sent the text I never wanted to send. Are you feeling we should just be friends? No response. Then I finally said I value communication (which I thought we shared) and I said I also value he may need space and I said I would not contact him until he contacted me. I then closed by saying I will pray for him and God bless.

He responded generically by saying sweet dreams, I work tomorrow and it will be slow at work. Nothing about my other texts. During the day I received advice from an old friend, not to contact him until he has contacted 3 times. Make him pursue me a little more. Now that is not bad advice, but he did do what I had asked in my text and contacted me.

I will be honest... I don't understand men. I realize perhaps I should take a step back, but how could feelings change so fast? I was not trying to be eager in my texts. I just wanted him to call.

He does have a history that I said I would forgive and forget since he wants to be a changed man... he is divorced. I realize he is busy with work and school. I understand that.I also know that perhaps he thinks he is ready to date... but may not be. I also realize the world does not revolve around me. I may not have been exactly what he imagined and he may not have been to me, but we shared a lot and I was willing to work and grow from everything.

I guess I am just frustrated. Here I felt like I found a guy that was 'the one' only to realize he was not or that it is a harder road than I thought with him. I guarded my heart and still dating and guys are hard for me to understand. This just kills me inside. I am trying to give this to the Lord... my heart is very broken, so I ask for kindness in your responses.

I guess I would love to know how I keep messing up. Why I am the one always so hurt... I am a good person and people love me (been told that), but with guys I just can't seem to get it right. I wish guys would share their feelings and not just disappear...

Thanks for listening

I'm sorry that happened to you. You did nothing wrong. I am wondering, however, about the annulment thing myself.

In general, I don't agree with your friends advice for you to wait three times to call someone back. That is game playing and not a good thing.


Jul 13th 2013 new
Annulment isn't an issue everyone. Just saying we was married before- he is free to marry sorry to not be clear
Jul 13th 2013 new
(quote) Amanda-692129 said: Annulment isn't an issue everyone. Just saying we was married before- he is free to marry sorry to not be clear
Hello Amanda! You seem like a really sincere, sweet young lady. I'm sorry for your pain you've experienced & the chance you took. Thankfully, he was annulled, but when reality came to him "face-to-face", he's probably had to take some time to see what the next step he is to take. Just messaging, skyping, or talking on the phone can be "fun" but there's still no real commitment involved.

My "take" on this relationship is that perhaps he should've come to visit you 1st & meet your family & make the effort on his part to prove he is able to pursue you and be in charge of the relationship. Also, going by some advice an older friend told me over the years is let him call you &/or text you first & pursue you. Maybe in all the early infatuation, it's easy to get carried away in the excitement. Also, an excellent web site to check out (suggested by another CM member from Chicago) is: http://www.boundless.org . They are sponsored by "focus on the family". It gives you much more of the scriptural & spiritual basis as to why a man needs to pursue the woman. Also, if you put yourself in the relationship as a "courtship", then you'll see how it's also important to do things as a group & not just exclusively-- for protection. This might help against the burnout of things happening too fast. I'll pray for the best for you & this guy & that if it's God's will, He'll make it happen for you both. hug Praying


Jul 13th 2013 new
Thank You. I think I did make a mistake going to him. He never really felt her could take off work to see me. That should have been a read flag. I am looking into courtship and the next guys will have to come to me Thanks


Jul 13th 2013 new
Hi Amanda

I sent you a message .as I'd rather say it there than out here. God bless you.



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