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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Obviously not the place for details, but in short my former husband has made some very disastrous choices in his life over the last year and a half. It's messy and unlikely to be resolved soon. Once resolved these issues are going to be a factor in my life again anywhere from 2 to 10 to 20 years from now.

I would give anything for this not to be the case, but it is part of my life and part of who I am now. Any guy who can't handle some curveballs or crumbles under stress isn't for me. I can't be the only person who has an ex and ex issues that just won't go away. At what point do you let someone one know, "this is what a life with me will put you up against."?

I'm a pretty honest and open person anyway. I'd send it in a first message as far as I'm concerned, but that might be a little too honest for most people (not to mention its really the kind of thing I would want to have met someone in person first to at least make sure they are real. :)) It feels dishonest to keep such a large part of my life secret and hidden away without so much as a mention.
Sep 3rd 2013 new
Anne, prayers for you. Such a sticky situation. I suspect that you have children with your former husband. IMO, first you have to nail down how you respond to these situations. Do you have a support network, a trusted and objective female friend, a good counselor or spiritual guide to help you in these rough patches? Do you have a prayer life to take this to the Cross and join this suffering to Our Lord's? If addiction is involved a 12 step group is essential to help you sort out the issues, own what is yours, and leave the rest to God. Then, and only then can you demonstrate in a relationship that despite the "sticky mess" that is part of a former marriage you are healthy in how you handle it. Stress is inevitable, and events will happen. If we are dramatic messes, dragging someone in for security or comfort, or seeking someone to fulfill our needs in a co-dependent way it won't work. A healthy man will head for the hills. So, when do you disclose? When it's time to tell. Early enough, but only after you know someone well enough that he's someone that you are truly interested in. God bless.
Sep 3rd 2013 new
Oops.... I should have made the 12 step issue clear. Al-Anon is for families and friends of alcoholics and addicts. You don't need to be an addict or alcoholic to benefit from a 12 step group. Hope this helps any potential misunderstanding. :-)
Sep 3rd 2013 new
Suzanne,
thanks for such a mature response to Anne's dilemma. As part of the 12 Step Spiritual Group, there is Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) & Dysfunctional Families. Again, thanks for sharing.
Peace
Praying
Sep 3rd 2013 new
No problem... I can only share my experience, strength and hope that has come from Al-Anon. It has truly saved my life and I would be remiss if I didn't pass it on and offer it to others. Thanks for your kind words.
Sep 4th 2013 new
(quote) Suzanne-930338 said: I suspect that you have children with your former husband...Only then can you demonstrate in a relationship that despite the "sticky mess" that is part of a former marriage you are healthy in how you handle it. 
Suzanne, First, thanks for your prayers. :) Praying That always helps.

Long time member of Al-Anon myself, amazing program, I seriously try to convince everyone I know to go to a 12step group. CODA is a great group for anyone reading this who is interested in 12 steps but you don't have a qualifier for Al-Anon or other addiction specific groups. Anyway...

Thankfully I do not have children with my former husband. In this particular situation, there isn't anything for me to 'own' either. I'm happy and healthy, I deal well and appropriately with stress when it arises. I guess a better way to phrase the question... When would you want to know? Would you prefer someone was up front and err on the side of being brutally honest?

There have to be other people out there who have had to have a similar conversation. :)
Sep 7th 2013 new
I think I would want to know when it's time, maybe about the second face to face. We all have baggage, but it's how we handle that baggage. I've been through therapy and unpacked the baggage and repacked in order for it all to be more manageable.

When it comes to addiction, definitely the soon than later. If they haven't been clean and sober for about five years, I would consider moving on.

I love the 12 steps, specifically because of the spiritual side.
Sep 8th 2013 new
I interpret your situation differently than the responses thus far, I figure that it's either something of a health related issue (disease) or a financial situation. I would answer your question differently for a man vs. a woman. As a woman, I would say not to disclose anything very personal until the gent expresses serious interest in you. Quite frankly, too many men will flee at anything. Most men and women do not want to inherit baggage in a relationship, because, hopefully, they have resolved the baggage in their lives, and expect the same with others.

Let the man take the lead. I find that they tend to tell you more than you expect. If he opens the topic, (let's say he has a similar situation), then definitely let him know that you understand, and maybe disclose some of your own history. It's tricky, because he could be genuine, and he could be fishing. Too many people use online dating as a method of eliminating potential mates, not giving a person a chance.

Be very open to the possibility that you will now be single a long time, until this situation has been resolved. Most of all, don't do this alone. Give it up to God. Leave it up to God to let you know when to disclose this matter. Have a plan to resolve the situation, and get yourself "right" again. Praying

Sep 29th 2013 new
I got married in August to a man I met here.. Because of my long tenure here on the site and my position as a Moderator I was given the option to stay on and chose to accept.. I have a history of some rather heavy financial burdens. My husband Larry was a widower of a 42 year marriage.. He owns his own house and while he's not a rich man he's comfortably retired. I took the position after our first successful F2F was turning into the second one to tell him exactly what my situation was during that 2nd meeting.. I would rather tell someone the truth and let them make a decision based on the 'whole story'..I felt it was much easier to get a rejection on the second date than after feelings were involved. Obviously,he didn't bat an eye when I told him. He's the kindest, sweetest man I've ever known..
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