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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

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Women writing to the men?

Oct 2nd 2013 new
Hi! I'm new to this site, so I wanted to ask everyone what you thought about the following...

A priest friend of mine, who suggested I join the site, told me that I (as a woman) should never write first to a CM guy I'm interested in; I should always let him reach out first and begin conversations. Fr's thought process is the same as mine -- men are created to pursue, women are created to be pursued. I certainly don't want to appear forward, so I haven't reached out to anyone who hasn't reached out to me first.

Still, Fr. has never seen the site format, so he doesn't really know how Catholic Match is set up -- the interview questions, etc. I guess what I'm wondering is if it's fine to fill out a guy's interview questions if you're interested in him? Is it ok to send him a kind message, commenting on something in his profile? Or is that too forward?

Thoughts? Thanks!
Oct 2nd 2013 new
Hey Katie - welcome to CM!

I agree with his assessment that men are pursuers, but I don't believe the girl should never reach out to someone if she sees someone she's interested in. I do believe that the confidence a guy shows when he initiates contact is desirable for most women, but a confident girl is attractive to us guys also :).
Oct 2nd 2013 new
What would you do in 'real life'?? If you were out with a bunch of people and someone appealed to you would you 'mentally telepathize' or would you talk to him?? Pretend CM is a bunch of people, which it is...and do what you would do in 'real life'? I agree that men should be the pursuer they don't read minds!! Giving them a hint isn't against the rules wink
Oct 2nd 2013 new
Katie, Welcome to CM. I agree with men being the "pursuers" but as you read profiles and the forums you will see things that raise your curiosity. Someone's perspective, an interest, etc. Feel free to send messages. I sometimes send out birthday greetings (the birthday folks for the day are on the bottom of the home page), ask questions of members, and just send general "best wishes" or "thanks" if someone has viewed my profile, even if I am not "interested in them." I also send and receive messages from women. Make sure you stop in the St. Anne's room (women only). There is a fantastic bunch of faithful Catholic women ready to support you.
Oct 2nd 2013 new
Katie, in theory I agree with you and your priest. Almost all of my knowledge of online success on CM has supported this, too.

But I think some clarification needs to be made about "contact." There is a difference between saying hello and being gracious, and asking to begin writing to each other and being forward.

A) It's quite alright for women to send emotigrams that encourage and lift up the men. Some examples of this are:
-- I like your pictures of the sunset and the little children. You look like a fun uncle.
-- Thank you for your terrific posts in the forum supporting the dignity of men and women.
-- Sorry to hear your Reds team lost. Better luck next year-- enjoy a beer on me. Hope it helps.
-- I'm keeping your mother in my prayers. I'm sorry to read that she is ill in the hospital.

B) On the other side of the spectrum, I don't think things work very well when a woman begins with chasing a man who has not decided he is interested in her. For example:
-- I see we live a half hour apart. We should meet for coffee sometime.
-- We have SO much in common. We might be a match. Are you open to communicating?
-- You're a handsome man. I bet you won't be here for long- at least, not if I have something to say about it.
-- How was your day? I'm wishing you all the best, and hope to hear from you.

There is a vast difference between these two categories. The first group effectively gets your face and profile in front of the man (something we have to do online-- a kind of artificial bumping into each other in a public place.) Those examples express no expectations, offer goodwill, have substance, and build up both parties. They do give the gentleman an opening to starting a conversation, if he wishes. If he does not, a simple "thank you" will be enough-- it won't feel like rejection (because a woman hasn't asked something of him) and she will know when he doesn't pursue that he isn't interested.

The second group puts a gentleman and lady in tough spots. For him, if he is a gentleman, he must respond whether he is interested or not. Right there is her problem. She has no idea if, when a gentleman responds, he is interested in getting to know her or being polite in responding. If he is not a gentleman in the first place, he will probably respond because he then does not have to do any work. She now has both roles as lady and gentleman, but doesn't know that. She will confuse his responses with that of a gentleman. Also, the second group has a good chance of leaving her feeling rejected.

Basically it comes down to your personal preference, Katie. What kind of woman do you want to be in relationship with what kind of man? For me, I have decided that I desire a man who has confidence to approach me, knows his own heart and mind, and will speak up about it. I want to be a woman open to communication that leaves people feeling esteemed and free. I have high standards for myself, and for my future husband. To a certain degree, who we are early in a relationship is who we will be later in the relationship.

It took me awhile to learn the fine art of "dropping the hanky." It's a subtle art, but it does work and it has come to feel the most natural way for me to interact with men. Be kind, open, generous, and complimentary. Some attention to a man you are interested in is very good-- we need to give them ideas sometimes. Just let him decide to pursue you.
Oct 2nd 2013 new
Katie, perhaps it would be helpful to remember that there is a difference between "reaching out" and "being pursued." Women have always reached out to men that they found attractive. This reaching out might have only consisted of eye contact, a smile, or some other gesture to catch his attention---the proverbial dropping the hanky, even. Certainly you wouldn't avoid all eye contact when someone attractive came near you in real life and still (realistically) hope that he might nevertheless pursue you.

The point at which "reaching out" becomes "pursuing" is a hazy gray area. Maybe a good rule of thumb would be to keep your initial communication fairly short and simple? Just send an emoticon, answer his interview, or send a one- or two-sentence message. That's all the prompting that a reasonably mature man who finds you intriguing will need.
Oct 2nd 2013 new
(quote) Derrick-1013449 said: Katie, perhaps it would be helpful to remember that there is a difference between "reaching out" and "being pursued." Women have always reached out to men that they found attractive. This reaching out might have only consisted of eye contact, a smile, or some other gesture to catch his attention---the proverbial dropping the hanky, even. Certainly you wouldn't avoid all eye contact when someone attractive came near you in real life and still (realistically) hope that he might nevertheless pursue you.

The point at which "reaching out" becomes "pursuing" is a hazy gray area. Maybe a good rule of thumb would be to keep your initial communication fairly short and simple? Just send an emoticon, answer his interview, or send a one- or two-sentence message. That's all the prompting that a reasonably mature man who finds you intriguing will need.
thumbsup Derrick gets it! Thank you, Derrick, for articulating what I wanted to say in less words. (I always have too many words.) Very well said. rose
Oct 2nd 2013 new
(quote) Katie-1010240 said: Hi! I'm new to this site, so I wanted to ask everyone what you thought about the following...

A priest friend of mine, who suggested I join the site, told me that I (as a woman) should never write first to a CM guy I'm interested in; I should always let him reach out first and begin conversations. Fr's thought process is the same as mine -- men are created to pursue, women are created to be pursued. I certainly don't want to appear forward, so I haven't reached out to anyone who hasn't reached out to me first.

Still, Fr. has never seen the site format, so he doesn't really know how Catholic Match is set up -- the interview questions, etc. I guess what I'm wondering is if it's fine to fill out a guy's interview questions if you're interested in him? Is it ok to send him a kind message, commenting on something in his profile? Or is that too forward?

Thoughts? Thanks!
Always be courteous if a guy reaches out to you first. I've reached out to women and I'll never get a respond. My feelings get hurt. :(
Oct 2nd 2013 new
(quote) John-682124 said: Always be courteous if a guy reaches out to you first. I've reached out to women and I'll never get a respond. My feelings get hurt. :(
I'm sorry, John. Try not to take it personally, please. After all, it can't be personal as the woman does not know you. Look at it as crossing someone off a long list. Each time you cross one off-- and say NEXT!-- you are closer to Her.

Keep on keepin' on! rose
Oct 2nd 2013 new
Hi Dawn,

Thank you. I agree with you, but I have to wonder about how to get any woman to be social without being personal just to get something started.

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