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A place to learn, mingle, and share

Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people 45+. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

The story of Abraham and Sarah is told in chapters 11-25 of the book of Genesis.
Learn More:Abraham & Sarah

Hi:

I'm new to this, and my situation is embarrassing, so please bear with me.
It's impossible to summarize a relationship is a few paragraphs, but I'll try.

Over six years ago, a woman I knew showed an interest in me, I was flattered, as this doesn't happen to me often, and we began to see each other daily. She had a ex who cheated on her, and left her with two teen-age children. Her boyfriend before me had also cheated on her, as had her dad on her mom. At the time, she had dreamed of meeting one man who would be faithful to her. I figured it would be me.
As time went by, I would only go so far in intimacy. She seemed to accept this, although not being Catholic, she wasn't used to it.She was brought up in a bible-based family.
As more time went by, she used to tease me about the fact that I had told her early on that I might never want to marry, so I wanted to be upfront about that. She asked if that meant "never" and I told her " well, maybe if we're together for 10 years."
More time went by, and her children moved back in with her full-time, as did her mother a couple of years later. Not much chance for us to be alone, and about a year ago, she stopped showing an interest in that all together. All this time, I have been living with an older brother who has health issues, and un-employment issues, and I feel he depends on me a lot (probably too much). My girlfriend often accused me of "putting him first", which in hindsight, I probably did.
I've always been a work/save kind of person. She was more the impulsive kind, who often got herself into financial trouble, and I helped her out many times.
She began working a second job late at night, and started telling me how "guilty" she felt. I though she felt bad that we weren't spending much time together, but if turns out that she was taking an interest in a co-worker. She has cried hysterically on a few occasions, but feels that we were in a rut, maybe a "dead-end relationship", and felt a need to change her life. She says she still cares for me, and we see each other less, but at least keep in touch most days.
We've had several heart to heart talks since. We talked about things that we never discussed before, including my failure to propose, and our family situations that would make that difficult anyways.
She doesn't see the new guy all the time, and tells me that he "isn't perfect either". Her ideas is that we both see other people, and if we're "Meant to be together, it will happen". She believes that something will happen to let her know what choices to make.
I'm heart-broken, and very jealous and insecure. I realize now that I am very attached to her, and have told her many times how much I love her. It seems that no matter what I do or say, she is determined to go about this her own way.
As a side-note, her daughter has moved out, and my ex-girlfriend is going through menopause, a time when I've read that many women become dissatisfied with their lives,
I understand that there are no easy answers, but I appreciate any insights.

Thanks
Oct 27 new
I'm pretty sure you're not going to like what I have to say....

First, we're not supposed to be 'messing' around with someone who is not our spouse.
(it's not o.k. to go to first and second base, and maybe 3rd, as long as you won't try to get to home plate)

And, the point of getting to know someone romantically, is to discern whether they are someone we would want to marry.

As faithful Catholics, I don't think we're supposed to be getting romantically involved with someone (especially with sharing intimacy) if we're sure we're not called to marriage.

If we're not sure whether we're called to marriage, we wait on the dating until we're sure.


Oct 27 new
Blunt, but here it is:

You dated her for six years, told her that you may never want to marry and now you are "jealous" that she is open to other men . . . I'm sorry . . . what was your question again?

We were not made to date, we were made to MATE. Dating and spending time with someone is one way to determine if that person is meant to be our spouse. That courtship process should last no more than a year TOPS before you realize they are not the person for you.

You are 57. God gave you a life to live. The question I have is simple: Are you living the life GOD called you to live? That discernment is done by prayer.

She (for some unknown reason) has feelings for you and does not want to close the door, which is why she is suggesting this alternative to a healthy relationship. Is this really how you want to live your life and show your love?

I would have sent you packing by the 3rd month.
Oct 27 new
Sorry this happened. Forget her. Move on.
Oct 27 new

Well, you have solicited advice in public forum. I hope this helps at least, even though it may not be what you want to hear.

I'm not sure why people date if they don't want to get married. You're now somewhat concerned about her other relationship because why? You planned to marry her? You just said you might not be interested in marrying her. Before you criticize someone else for meandering and wandering and not having direction, look inward.

Money, money, money - it can be a real cactus in a relationship. If you're not on the same page with how you approach spending and saving, it's time to say adios. If you're a saver, it might be a better idea to go to some business events where you might meet a woman who is an investment advisor or sells mutual funds, you'll probably have a lot in common. Although once you hit 40, a lot of the people you run into in life are already married and have children.

Six-year or ten-year relationships that do not end in marriage should maybe happen to young folks who meet in high school, go through the whole college years and first job experiences. Anyone past 40 really is at the point where they should realize life is short, and if they want to build something meaningful, they need to get on with it, not stare at their belly buttons.

Although, I can appreciate why it may be difficult to find the right person, which incidentally is all the more reason not to waste time with relationships that don't go anywhere. And by not going anywhere, I am not referring to lack of physical intimacy, I am referring to lack of commitment. Ask yourself why this relationship has not resulted in an engagement, a meeting with a priest, the pre-Cana course and the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. We don't know all the details here. Blessings to you as you discern your path in life. Dove

Oct 28 new
Hi:

Thanks for your frankness. Actually, her own daughter has told me that it was I who should have sent HER packing, (by the way, her daughter has been in an exclusive relationship for four years, no talk of marriage).


Oct 28 new
Hi:

Thanks for your bluntness.
Regarding your suggestion that . "Ask yourself why this relationship has not resulted in an engagement, a meeting with a priest, the pre-Cana course and the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony" She is not catholic (as I have mentioned) and doesn't share many of our beliefs.

My other concern was my brother. I've always been the family care-taker, both when my mother was dying, and now my brother has health issues.

Thanks
Oct 28 new

It does take two to tango, as the expression goes. I have no doubt that she probably has had her own issues regarding a lack of commitment.

On the general question of someone not being Catholic, that is a bit tricky, only the two people involved know the details and the conversations on matters of religion. The general topic has been raised in the CM forums before. Someone may be willing to convert if the relationship is actually headed towards marriage. However, again, if it is the case that someone has zero interest in even a Catholic marriage ceremony, they are not open to children being baptized Catholic and you wish to remain Catholic, then that pretty much is an indicator of how things are going nowhere. Not only are you not even rowing in the same direction, you're not even in the same boat.

Being the primary care-giver can be emotionally and physically draining. Many of us have been there. It is a matter of love and pride and loyalty and all sorts of noble things. However, we are humans and not superheroes. There may be respite care, physiotherapists, home care nurses, social services, meals on wheels, and all sorts of available help out there. Leaning on others is not a sign of weakness, it may be necessary. Being family-oriented also means looking to establish one's own family, and not just be there for one's relatives.

The relationship you describe with this lady does not sound healthy. How you choose to move forward is up to you.

Oct 28 new
OOH! Everyone else is being blunt, may I be blunt, too? Battling eyelashes
Maybe it's the way you tell the story, but here's what it sounds like:

She sounds like a nut.
- Bible-based background with no respect for chastity?
- Two cheating ex's? (She didn't learn the first time?)
- Was content to hang on with you with no commitment for ... how long?
- Resented your putting your brother first when he needed you? (What if you had said the same thing about her kids and mom?)

You sound like:
- you aren't connected to her except out of habit.
- you aren't mourning the loss of her as a beloved, but the loss of the habitual connection.

I would posit that both of you both are in this "relationship" (which it ain't) out of the comfort of the familiar. If you really cared about each other -- instead of caring about having a relationship -- you would have fished or cut bait a long time ago.

Stop wasting your time. And hers. two cents
Oct 28 new
Hi:

Thanks again for the input. It's amazing that there are as many different opinions as there are different people.
you raised the issue of baptizing children as catholic. Not sure that is an issue at our ages.
As far as my "lack of commitment" goes, I have not dated anyone else. I hate being in the position of having to defend myself, but here goes:

I"m not a rich man, but in the years I was with my girlfriend, I managed to buy her a car when she needed it, help her through bankruptcy court, pay unpaid mortgage bills, utility bills, and credit card bills. I realize that there are more important things in life than money, but it is supposed to be one of the things that married couples argue the most about.

Thanks again
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