I started my profile on CM for the 1st time in 2005, when I was bright eyed and full of hope. I've been on and off this site as life has changed going on 9 years now. I don't think my husband is on this site, but being online with other Catholics is comforting. I thought I would be married in my twenties, but now I wonder what God has in store for me, especially since I know other people have waited much MUCH longer than I have for love.
I want to start a family while I'm still young enough to chase toddlers around. The bio clock isn't ticking out of control yet, but I'm worried about the day when it will be. If I truly trust God and just try to live without falling into utter despair from the abject loneliness everyday, I will survive, but God might not have plans for love finding me for years and years yet. I resolve to try my best to distract myself in the meantime and to "prepare a place for him (my husband)" as I heard God say to me recently, but I'm low. My soul is low and I pray for strength.
I wonder how many more years I have to wait. Curious. Feels like I'm looking out the window waiting for a bus that never comes, watching other people get on buses, but none of the buses are headed to my destination. You check your watch, you play sudoku, you look at the bus schedule (the bible) for clues as to a general idea of when your bus might come. But nothing in your own power is going to make that bus arrive. I have always been an unfailing optimist, but for the first time ever, I see no future for myself. That blank space in my heart & mind where big hopes and dreams and plans used to be is worrisome.
It's the same old tale for a lot of us on CM; the people were attracted to are not attracted to us and vise versa. We meet a jerk who's supposed to be a good catholic but who completely derails our lives on our way to joy. They callously break your heart, then go off and get happily married, while you sit on the shelf of God's toy store as if you were the antagonist. There's a shoe for every big foot, but man I'd like to leave the store with a good purchase. God, where are MY Jimmy Choo's?! Where are my Payless knockoff Manolo's even, Lol. You forgive, you forget, you try to move on, but there's nothing to move on to.
I don't know what God has planned, but I trust it will be awesome; provided I'm not too far into my senility to enjoy it once it gets here ha ha. I will hold onto Isaiah 54, make myself busy, and pray.
To my CM brothers and sisters, I love you and I hope God blesses you all with the love I know we are often afraid to say we are so desperately waiting for. I pray He frees us from whatever is holding up our blessings. I pray for healing for all the broken and lonely hearts. I offer this suffering up to God with the prayer that he uses it to free the souls in purgatory. I hope my hope is really not gone.
If you're still reading this rant & ramble, STAY STRONG, TRUST JESUS.
Love & God bless
- Nadia :)