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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

This topic does not ask about the deep grief and anguish from losing an especially good husband or wife. That subject matter would not be appropriate for this room.

Asked of a woman, the questions are whether the special excellence of her first husband makes her strongly expect that any next one will be a lesser spouse and, if she has such lower expectations, whether they have much affect on her desire to marry again? A last and related question, assuming a second marriage for the woman to a good but lesser husband, is how the women's conscious awareness of the new husband's lower husbandly rank may come out unconsciously in ways that affect the relationship?

Asked of a man, the questions are whether the special excellence of his first wife makes him strongly expect that any next one will be a lesser spouse and, if he has such lower expectations, whether they have much affect on his desire to marry again? A last and related question, assuming a second marriage for the man to a good but lesser wife, is how the man's conscious awareness of the new wife's lower wifely rank may come out unconsciously in ways that affect the relationship?

Hoping that this topic disproves all accusations that my writing is labyrinthine, eyebrow shhh cool

John

Dec 15th 2013 new

Quite the opposite, John, is that I think losing a good spouse raises the bar for the next one. I think what also is important to remember is that while our spouse was perfect for us, he may have been far from perfect. Certainly there are qualities that endeared them to us, but someone new with a whole new list of attributes can be even more wonderful.

I think my only real expectation is I get to feel again what it is like to give and receive love. So far, it has been easiest being on the giving end.

Dec 15th 2013 new
No one with any sense believes the late spouse was perfect. You need only live together a couple of weeks to find that out!

If that's what's keeping you men from approaching the widows, I suggest you throw that idea out the window and replace it with the thought that a woman who has been happily married knows how to carry out her share of making it work and will easily be able to guide you in your share of making it work.

QED.
Dec 15th 2013 new
(quote) Kathy-635104 said:

Quite the opposite, John, is that I think losing a good spouse raises the bar for the next one. I think what also is important to remember is that while our spouse was perfect for us, he may have been far from perfect. Certainly there are qualities that endeared them to us, but someone new with a whole new list of attributes can be even more wonderful.

I think my only real expectation is I get to feel again what it is like to give and receive love. So far, it has been easiest being on the giving end.

Hi Kathy,

Your words are encouraging for men who might wonder if they'd always be compared to a better, lost husband. Men, or at least some men, already wonder how they will be seen after being married for a while and, if there is already a "high bar", as you label it, the doubts would tend to increase, again at least for some men.

It might be a good idea for women who think as you do about this matter to find some way, however indirect or hidden, shhh to let men know that being the husband after a woman's very good, lost husband is not as threatening a challenge as it seems.

As you have suggested, the main point is probably that men should know whether the woman really wants again to experience the loving and being loved of a good marriage. scratchchin smile

John

Dec 15th 2013 new
(quote) Marge-938695 said: No one with any sense believes the late spouse was perfect. You need only live together a couple of weeks to find that out!

If that's what's keeping you men from approaching the widows, I suggest you throw that idea out the window and replace it with the thought that a woman who has been happily married knows how to carry out her share of making it work and will easily be able to guide you in your share of making it work.

QED.

A man's reminding himself that he doesn't have to be better than the perfection of a prior husband is a helpful thought, a consideration that can be forgotten although seemingly obvious.

I was not questioning "that a woman who has been happily married" would know "how to carry out her share of making it work", I was rather asking about her mental processes as when she might think to herself that her first husband mowed the grass in a much more thorough manner than her new hubby, who leaves the lawn ragged around the edges - which might make her edgy. eyebrow scratchchin

Dec 15th 2013 new
(quote) John-184825 said:

...I was rather asking about her mental processes as when she might think to herself that her first husband mowed the grass in a much more thorough manner than her new hubby, ....

It would never enter my mind to make the comparison.

OTOH, I've been widowed almost as long as I was married. Maybe when the loss is more recent, that kind of thought may occur. But my marriage is nearly ancient history at this point.


Dec 15th 2013 new
(quote) Marge-938695 said:

It would never enter my mind to make the comparison.

OTOH, I've been widowed almost as long as I was married. Maybe when the loss is more recent, that kind of thought may occur. But my marriage is nearly ancient history at this point.


Thank goodness I don't have to take off my slippers and look for the clippers. cool
Dec 15th 2013 new
(quote) John-184825 said:

This topic does not ask about the deep grief and anguish from losing an especially good husband or wife. That subject matter would not be appropriate for this room.

Asked of a woman, the questions are whether the special excellence of her first husband makes her strongly expect that any next one will be a lesser spouse and, if she has such lower expectations, whether they have much affect on her desire to marry again? A last and related question, assuming a second marriage for the woman to a good but lesser husband, is how the women's conscious awareness of the new husband's lower husbandly rank may come out unconsciously in ways that affect the relationship?

Asked of a man, the questions are whether the special excellence of his first wife makes him strongly expect that any next one will be a lesser spouse and, if he has such lower expectations, whether they have much affect on his desire to marry again? A last and related question, assuming a second marriage for the man to a good but lesser wife, is how the man's conscious awareness of the new wife's lower wifely rank may come out unconsciously in ways that affect the relationship?

Hoping that this topic disproves all accusations that my writing is labyrinthine,

John

whether the special excellence of her first husband makes her strongly expect that any next one will be a lesser spouse


Given: It is precious to have an opportunity to give and receive love
  • As a widow, I now look forward to meeting the man God chooses for me, IF that is indeed His plan.
  • I have had a great married relationship, but that only means I would love to join the adventure again of learning to build a married love anew: fresh, and unique-- If God was to spoil me with the chance to love a spouse again! I would love to discover the journey of walking life out with the spouse chosen for me by my Father.
So, my answer is NO. I would not expect that this gentleman would be a lesser spouse.



Dec 16th 2013 new
I've been a widow long enough now to know that I need the companionship of a man, if for no other reason than to have him carry the groceries in! wink

My late husband was my second - my first produced 2 fabulous children and years of misery with regard to the marriage. It was 7 years after my divorce that I met my late husband. Neither of us was looking - we had more urgent matters to take care of at the time. But we were drawn to each other as friends at first, and talking to him was like hearing a harmony for the first time ever. We were much more alike than not, and as time went on, we became inseparable. I can't recount how many times he told me that he would have to be the first to die, because he would never be able to, or want to, live without me. He got his wish - after 7 years of miraculous, God-sent happiness, he passed away of a heart attack in the middle of the night. I was devastated - I raged at God, at Fate, at my beloved husband even. After so many years of unhappiness and loneliness, I had the man I could never even have dreamed of for a paltry 7 years. How cruel!

I live alone in our home now, doing some of the things we used to do together, but feeling neutral about them at best. I often thought about the impossibility of ever finding such a wonderful soulmate again. And perhaps I won't - but I never had envisioned the miracle of the marriage I had - and it was proof enough to me every minute of every day that God knew what/who I needed, and sent him to me on God's time - not mine. Recalling this gives me hope that someone entirely unexpected will show up in my life when the time is right and not one second sooner. I expect a miracle.
Dec 16th 2013 new


Hope and Expectation!
Blinded by love

That is where I "live"!!!!
wave

I pray that he, the one man chosen before time by my Father, is filled, too, with the hope and expectation of finding his intended woman in me. Amen!
theheart

This season of Chistmas is a great time to celebrate ALL hope, expectation and miracle! Praying GOOD NEWS!!
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