Faith Focused Dating. Create your Free Profile and meet your Match!

A place to learn, mingle, and share

Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

So few days back I put a post in another thread about what I call the Two paths of Blessing (re-posted below) in which I talked about how the needs of men and woman were met in a complimentary fashion. I was then asked about how to make it work in the messaging world. I have to confess, I didnt have a huge amount of info on it, and I have suspected I could do far better in this venue myself. It's also been on my mind to do that so I did some research and gave it some more thought, and here are the ideas. Comments and suggestions very welcome!

For men and women-

1. Be positive- this is about blessing- sharing our inherent goodness. Compliments for each other and praise and thanks for the gifts God has given us. Avoid being critical or looking for faults. And yes, make sure the Holy Spirit is an equal part of your conversation, especially through prayer before and after writing/ reading. You want the perfect music for your dance!

2. Be Nice

3. Be Yourself: You need to convey who you are, so be truthful. Dont lie about accomplishments or pretend to like things you dont.

4. Not too long! Asking a bazillion questions so you can get to know each other may sound good, but then the other person may feel the need to write the same amount and it becomes an arduous task, not a dance. In a dance you dont want the pattern to be too long! Keep I short so that responding is not too big of an effort. You want to pace your blessing. More short messages are better than fewer long ones.

5. Avoid being too practical. Dont try to figure out if you are compatible until you figure out how deeply you enjoy blessing. Once you know you enjoy blessing each other then figure out if you are compatible. I think this should wait until after a phone call for a LDR or a date or two for a local relationship.

6. Be poor in spirit- live in the moment. This is a follow up to number 5. Its easy to create a world and get so attached to it that you want to force the other person into it. When you realize you like blessing each other it does not mean that you should get married. If after you start exploring compatibility you discover that your goals, expectations and behaviors dont sufficiently match up then turn it into a friendship. This is really possible for men and woman to be friends with as men and women. In fact, chastity requires it! The faster you can do this the better off you will be.


Gents:

1) Less is more: Make it a point to write noticeably less than the lady

2)Give clear, concise leads: Share simple ideas and stories. Ask simple, clear questions that she can talk about. Follow the story with the related question. Remember that you are drawing the lines- give her something to color in.

2a )Bad- it seems as if you like the color red. You have lots of photos where you wear red. Is that because you have a fiery personality or you are trying to be assertive, or just a coincidence, or is it something else? This is not concise

2b) Bad-is red your favorite color? This is not clear (where did the question come from?) Also, its a yes-no question that does not allow her to truly express who she is.

2c)Good-I noticed that you wear red in most of your photos. Is there any special significance about that? Short and concise, yet suitable for a 3-4 sentence response.

3) Be Romantic- Share what you like to do on dates. Dont talk about the woman on the dates, but do share the fun things you have done and be specific on the details. Share what you find attractive in women. Focus on who they are- how they dress, act, style, speak, etc. Hopefully youve gotten to know your lady enough that what you find attractive is something she both can be and is willing to be. Share what you find attractive in her. If she looks good in red tell her that. And use good words- dont just say you look good in that dress, tell she looks fabulous/ stunning.

4) Make it about her. Dont talk about other women too much, even your mom or your sisters. Say enough so she knows you take good care of the women in your life but leave room for her to be the clear number 1. It does not matter to her is you wont ever marry them. She wants to know if shell be the center of your universe. I dont care if you think your mom makes the best meatloaf in the entire world. Just tell her that you love your moms meatloaf, so if she makes meatloaf it has the possibility that you can like it even better.

5) Move it deeper if appropriate: If you find that you really like her then make the next step in the relationship by inviting her to talk over the phone, or meet in person if you are both the adventurous types. Gentlemen its always our responsibility to make a clear lead to move further into the relationship. If we do a good job getting to know her she should freely choose to follow.

Ladies:

1) Be broad and flowing. Make it a point to write noticeably more than the gent.

2) Be more complex about the stories. Talk more about yourself and ask fewer questions of the man. Answer questions in a full way. If he asks you I noticed that you wear red in most of your photos. Is there any special significance about that? then give a few sentences back- maybe 3 or 4. If you know why you wear red then explain that. If you didnt realize that you did so dont just say Im not sure." Think about why it is. LOL- I didnt realize I did that! I guess I really like to stand out and make a statement!"

3) Be Romantic: Share what you find attractive in men. Focus on what he does- getting a ladies coat, ordering her dinner off the menu, walking with her in the park. Share what you like to do/ places to go. This will give him ideas of what to do.

4) Challenge him. Do talk about the other men in your life who have been good to you! Men like a challenge so give him chance to best the other gents! Talk about what you liked about your dad or brothers. If you do talk about an ex who was good to you make it clear that you are not in a relationship any more.

5) Let him know he met the challenge: Do let him know when he says/ does something you find pleasing. Say something like I like it/find it funny/ its so romantic when a man does [such and such thing] and add an emoticon. Its the womans responsibility to let the man know that she enjoys being the center of his world.

Again- thoughts and comments welcome and appreciated! God Bless,

Matt



Two Paths of Blessing (Re Posted)

When we looked at the dance there were two paths of communication- the concise path of blessing from the man to the woman and the broad path of blessing from the woman to the man, and this blessing continuously flows between them. We saw that despite the fact that the man seemed to be the only one talking because he leads and she follows we saw the truth was the opposite. The woman speaks more, but she speaks through her very being, and the man does most of the listening, using the knowledge to create the perfect lead.

Its the same way in romance. Woman speak more than men; for every word a man says a woman says 5 or 6 or 10. In a typical romantic conversation most men are befuddled because even though she is speaking on and on she may seem to be saying nothing in particular. This is because when men communicate they typically are short and to the point, brief and concise. The styles of communication between the man and the woman seem contradictory, but once we view it through the dance it all becomes clear that they compliment each other. The concise communication of the man is suited to blessing through the lead. In speaking in a broad, continuous manner the woman is expressing who she is, and is suitable for blessing through the response. She is speaking not only with her words but in the way that she acts and dresses. The woman is looking for something very specific- to be the center of the mans world. She wants a man who is confident yet gentle, thoughtful, creative and attentive. If she were to tell him she wanted some specific material thing, then she has no idea if he is any of these things. After all the gent at the coffee shop who does not know her can make her a double whipped mocha if that is what she says that she wants. But if she chooses to just be herself then she will know she is the center of his conversation when he shows understanding how to lead the conversation, when he recognizes her emotional, visual and verbal cues she is giving. Through questions and statements he can lead the conversation, creating space for the woman to fill, to continually express who she is. When he uses this knowledge to create a unique gift to her that on one hand matches who she is but on the other is a complete surprise, then she is supremely happy, because she knows that he knows her and cares for her. This is not a one shot deal, but a continuous decision on the part of the man to love the woman.

Side note, some men to think that because the woman talks on and on then he can talk on and on about himself too. This actually annoys women.

Dec 20th 2013 new
This is a nice post, Matt-a lot to think about! I agree with most of your points, here. I will say, for my own self, that it does not annoy me when a man tells me a lot about himself. On the contrary, if the sharing is authentic and not just a game of "sameupsmanship" (my--silly--term), it is really engaging and attractive for me.
Dec 20th 2013 new
Why are men supposed to write less than women? If a man writes noticeably less than I do I assume he's not that interested.

And, why are women supposed to ask less questions? I don't mind talking about myself, but there comes a point when I feel I am doing nothing but prattling on. The men have to chime in as well, and preferably on an equal footing!

I do agree with keeping messages short, at least initially. Long introductory messages are too overwhelming. If I were to reply to them properly I'd be writing way too much about myself, and then adding even greater length asking questions about the gent.

May I add two things?

1. Never, ever tell a lady she's hot as a lead-in (or at all). The reason to avoid this requires no explanation!

2. If you became a paying member because you wanted to communicate with a particular person, don't let them know until you've become comfortably acquainted. I've had two gentlemen in the past send me rather long intro messages, and both said they got paid memberships just to write to me. Instead of only feeling awkward about the long messages, I also had the weight of their membership on my shoulders.
Dec 20th 2013 new
what a strange thing to tell you [like hot seat..... laughing don't waste my money laughing]
Dec 20th 2013 new
(quote) Matt-61677 said:

So few days back I put a post in another thread about what I call the Two paths of Blessing (re-posted below) in which I talked about how the needs of men and woman were met in a complimentary fashion. I was then asked about how to make it work in the messaging world. I have to confess, I didnt have a huge amount of info on it, and I have suspected I could do far better in this venue myself. It's also been on my mind to do that so I did some research and gave it some more thought, and here are the ideas. Comments and suggestions very welcome!

For men and women-

1. Be positive- this is about blessing- sharing our inherent goodness. Compliments for each other and praise and thanks for the gifts God has given us. Avoid being critical or looking for faults. And yes, make sure the Holy Spirit is an equal part of your conversation, especially through prayer before and after writing/ reading. You want the perfect music for your dance!

2. Be Nice

3. Be Yourself: You need to convey who you are, so be truthful. Dont lie about accomplishments or pretend to like things you dont.

4. Not too long! Asking a bazillion questions so you can get to know each other may sound good, but then the other person may feel the need to write the same amount and it becomes an arduous task, not a dance. In a dance you dont want the pattern to be too long! Keep I short so that responding is not too big of an effort. You want to pace your blessing. More short messages are better than fewer long ones.

5. Avoid being too practical. Dont try to figure out if you are compatible until you figure out how deeply you enjoy blessing. Once you know you enjoy blessing each other then figure out if you are compatible. I think this should wait until after a phone call for a LDR or a date or two for a local relationship.

6. Be poor in spirit- live in the moment. This is a follow up to number 5. Its easy to create a world and get so attached to it that you want to force the other person into it. When you realize you like blessing each other it does not mean that you should get married. If after you start exploring compatibility you discover that your goals, expectations and behaviors dont sufficiently match up then turn it into a friendship. This is really possible for men and woman to be friends with as men and women. In fact, chastity requires it! The faster you can do this the better off you will be.


Gents:

1) Less is more: Make it a point to write noticeably less than the lady

2)Give clear, concise leads: Share simple ideas and stories. Ask simple, clear questions that she can talk about. Follow the story with the related question. Remember that you are drawing the lines- give her something to color in.

2a )Bad- it seems as if you like the color red. You have lots of photos where you wear red. Is that because you have a fiery personality or you are trying to be assertive, or just a coincidence, or is it something else? This is not concise

2b) Bad-is red your favorite color? This is not clear (where did the question come from?) Also, its a yes-no question that does not allow her to truly express who she is.

2c)Good-I noticed that you wear red in most of your photos. Is there any special significance about that? Short and concise, yet suitable for a 3-4 sentence response.

3) Be Romantic- Share what you like to do on dates. Dont talk about the woman on the dates, but do share the fun things you have done and be specific on the details. Share what you find attractive in women. Focus on who they are- how they dress, act, style, speak, etc. Hopefully youve gotten to know your lady enough that what you find attractive is something she both can be and is willing to be. Share what you find attractive in her. If she looks good in red tell her that. And use good words- dont just say you look good in that dress, tell she looks fabulous/ stunning.

4) Make it about her. Dont talk about other women too much, even your mom or your sisters. Say enough so she knows you take good care of the women in your life but leave room for her to be the clear number 1. It does not matter to her is you wont ever marry them. She wants to know if shell be the center of your universe. I dont care if you think your mom makes the best meatloaf in the entire world. Just tell her that you love your moms meatloaf, so if she makes meatloaf it has the possibility that you can like it even better.

5) Move it deeper if appropriate: If you find that you really like her then make the next step in the relationship by inviting her to talk over the phone, or meet in person if you are both the adventurous types. Gentlemen its always our responsibility to make a clear lead to move further into the relationship. If we do a good job getting to know her she should freely choose to follow.

Ladies:

1) Be broad and flowing. Make it a point to write noticeably more than the gent.

2) Be more complex about the stories. Talk more about yourself and ask fewer questions of the man. Answer questions in a full way. If he asks you I noticed that you wear red in most of your photos. Is there any special significance about that? then give a few sentences back- maybe 3 or 4. If you know why you wear red then explain that. If you didnt realize that you did so dont just say Im not sure." Think about why it is. LOL- I didnt realize I did that! I guess I really like to stand out and make a statement!"

3) Be Romantic: Share what you find attractive in men. Focus on what he does- getting a ladies coat, ordering her dinner off the menu, walking with her in the park. Share what you like to do/ places to go. This will give him ideas of what to do.

4) Challenge him. Do talk about the other men in your life who have been good to you! Men like a challenge so give him chance to best the other gents! Talk about what you liked about your dad or brothers. If you do talk about an ex who was good to you make it clear that you are not in a relationship any more.

5) Let him know he met the challenge: Do let him know when he says/ does something you find pleasing. Say something like I like it/find it funny/ its so romantic when a man does [such and such thing] and add an emoticon. Its the womans responsibility to let the man know that she enjoys being the center of his world.

Again- thoughts and comments welcome and appreciated! God Bless,

Matt



Two Paths of Blessing (Re Posted)

When we looked at the dance there were two paths of communication- the concise path of blessing from the man to the woman and the broad path of blessing from the woman to the man, and this blessing continuously flows between them. We saw that despite the fact that the man seemed to be the only one talking because he leads and she follows we saw the truth was the opposite. The woman speaks more, but she speaks through her very being, and the man does most of the listening, using the knowledge to create the perfect lead.

Its the same way in romance. Woman speak more than men; for every word a man says a woman says 5 or 6 or 10. In a typical romantic conversation most men are befuddled because even though she is speaking on and on she may seem to be saying nothing in particular. This is because when men communicate they typically are short and to the point, brief and concise. The styles of communication between the man and the woman seem contradictory, but once we view it through the dance it all becomes clear that they compliment each other. The concise communication of the man is suited to blessing through the lead. In speaking in a broad, continuous manner the woman is expressing who she is, and is suitable for blessing through the response. She is speaking not only with her words but in the way that she acts and dresses. The woman is looking for something very specific- to be the center of the mans world. She wants a man who is confident yet gentle, thoughtful, creative and attentive. If she were to tell him she wanted some specific material thing, then she has no idea if he is any of these things. After all the gent at the coffee shop who does not know her can make her a double whipped mocha if that is what she says that she wants. But if she chooses to just be herself then she will know she is the center of his conversation when he shows understanding how to lead the conversation, when he recognizes her emotional, visual and verbal cues she is giving. Through questions and statements he can lead the conversation, creating space for the woman to fill, to continually express who she is. When he uses this knowledge to create a unique gift to her that on one hand matches who she is but on the other is a complete surprise, then she is supremely happy, because she knows that he knows her and cares for her. This is not a one shot deal, but a continuous decision on the part of the man to love the woman.

Side note, some men to think that because the woman talks on and on then he can talk on and on about himself too. This actually annoys women.

Thank you, Matt, just from me, personally...this is beautiful and useful...I will have to come back and study!

So neat to have this post as a resource! (for a single mom that is a GREAT gift for Christmas ;-)

biggrin Barbara
Dec 20th 2013 new

Thanks Matt for sharing this. Can you elaborate on the ladies writing more and the gents writing less?

Usually the first few messages are short and sweet, but when I go into my messages and see that he has written a longer one, I think to myself "yay!" because that's a clue that he's getting more interested. If his messages are shorter than mine or do not include as much info in an appropriate amount of time then I lose interest.



Dec 20th 2013 new
(quote) Christine-924384 said:

.... If his messages are shorter than mine or do not include as much info in an appropriate amount of time then I lose interest.



thumbsup ...or assume that he's not really interested in me and is just being polite by responding to my note, hoping that I'd get the hint to buzz off. Which I do.
Dec 20th 2013 new
Matt, you have a number of useful nuggets for the Two Paths of Blessings. Both sexes should try out these methods and see how they work for them.

Just a personal note: I have not looked "stunning" or "fabulous" in many a year, nor have I tried to. If a man praised my appearance with those such over-the-top words when I know that I look merely good or nice or middlin', I would not take it well. I would get so turned off by the falseness he was presenting me, that I would be suspicious of other things he said. However, if I did make extra effort and incorporated into my appearance some things which I already knew he found attractive, I would appreciate his sincere compliments.
Just saying that men should be wise and observant as to when and how they compliment. The same style will not work on all women equally.
Dec 20th 2013 new
(quote) Lina-796057 said: ...or assume that he's not really interested in me and is just being polite by responding to my note, hoping that I'd get the hint to buzz off. Which I do.
ditto on getting that "hint"...I may be slow, but not that slow...at least I hope not! rolling eyes weeping
Dec 20th 2013 new
(quote) Lina-796057 said: ...or assume that he's not really interested in me and is just being polite by responding to my note, hoping that I'd get the hint to buzz off. Which I do.

biggrin I can see what you mean Lina, but with most of my experience they just won't bother to write at all if they aren't interested! stocking

Posts 1 - 10 of 48