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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Lauren-927923 said: Paul,
I used to tell my husband that very thing -- all those quirks of mine that could drive him crazy would be the things he missed the most -- but it is me missing them.

There is for some of us a deep rooted desire to love and nurture others -- in some cases from our own baggage -- not wanting anyone else to feel the sad things we have felt. There are also those who immerse themselves in chaos because they need the chaos...they need to be needed and move from one crisis to the next. Sometimes we might chose the bird with the broken wings because we ourselves don't feel we can chose someone without -- because of our own sense of self worth.

I think the telling question would be: Is my love helping the person move forward and unpack their baggage or am I content to take them as is, baggage and all and really prefer that they keep it? In other words -- are we really helping them or are we keeping them needy?

My husband used to say to me sometimes that I didn't need him and I used to think are you crazy I need you all the time -- need his laugh, his humor, his bravery, his strength, his love and friendship -- but he was talking about other things -- I was very capable at managing our world. When he was killed I was devastated and all I wanted was to be able to let someone take over for me. Something I am not accustomed to nor comfortable with. I had two friends one a woman and the other a man -- who both told me -- you don't need me, all you need is God. That irked me to no end at first because I felt as if I was reaching out for someone's strength and comfort and I was being rejected -- but the fact was -- I didn't need them. I was strong and resilient and managed everything just fine and continued doing what I do best -- caring for and taking care of those around me.

Life can be a brutal playing field and we have to choose between letting it batter us or letting it strengthen us. All of us have encountered traumas and everyone handles them differently. I absolutely believe in loving another completely warts and all, but I continue to learn that my love and care for them may not be healing to them and that is ultimately the goal. If my love is healing then it is a good thing. If my love is not healing but creates a dependency or hinders healing then it is not helpful. it is not always easy to know the difference.
Excellent Lauren! rose
Jan 17th 2014 new
All of have faults the trick is to find someone who's faults we and live with and who can live with our faults as well.
Jan 17th 2014 new

Praying HI Paul,

I too have always been drawn to those who needed "fixing" and that has been my downfall I have to say... I tended to find those that need A LOT of fixing.. I was used in every way, and I settled.. I have now discovered I do deserve to be treated well... when someone needs "fixing" they are not in a place where they can offer themselves to a person for a true loving commitment. I have discovered that in order to have a healthy relationship, both people need to be in a spot where they can be whole individually first. Hope that helps :)God bless you.

Jan 17th 2014 new
theheart wonderful topic, theheart Paul.


will be back Praying later to elaborate
Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: On a couple of occasions I've broken up with (or been dumped by) women whose emotional limitations or baggage led friends of mine to attempt consolation by saying things like "you're better off, believe me"...generally followed by a patient enumeration of the lady's faults. This strikes me as a poor though understandable strategy that only prompts me to shake my head and reply, "ah, but you don't know....!". For one thing, when I love someone I find even their flaws endearing (obviously I am not talking about obvious life-wrecking dealbreakers like alcoholism or a propensity for violence). For another, I strongly suspect that I'm drawn to women to whom I feel I can be of some service--helping to mend their broken wings. Of what use could I be, anyway, to those mythical personages who 'have no baggage', who never wake up afraid in the middle of the night, never lose their keys, whose lives are an unbroken succession of personal triumphs? If I met such a woman I'm sure I'd admire her, but not love her, not romantically anyway.
It would be easy to dismiss this quirk of mine as pathological but I'm not convinced that it's entirely a bad thing. It didn't stop me from having a happy 13-year marriage (ended by my wife's death four years ago).
If anyone other than myself finds the topic worthwhile, I'd be interested to hear their views on the preference for a broken wing.
Welcome posting your first thread Paul beautiful topic smile wave
Jan 17th 2014 new
Why wouldn't you have a preference for a broken wing? Love in it's most true sense is self-sacrifice, and there is more love to give to a person who has a broken wing. I find that giving love is such a wonderful thing (and I don't mean being infatuated with a person) I mean helping someone, sharing with them, listening to their fears, and just being a support for them. I think the broken wing preference shows that you want to actually love someone (possibly a reason your marriage worked). The only problem with the broken wing is when you allow a person to be complacent in bettering themselves. If you are not trying to make them a better person while loving them that can be a huge problem. Also, when the broken wing is more serious or dangerous, it may be dangerous to you to love them. With everything moderation is needed (I mean in how broken a wing you are attracted to).

Jan 17th 2014 new
I actually disagree, because we can never be whole individually. Yes, people need to grow and be strong emotionally and mentally on their own, but I have seen beautiful things happen, where someone was completely needing of betterment (I hate the term fixing, you can't fix someone, you can only help them make themselves a better person) was given the love they needed to completely do a 180. Love can be a huge help and everyone needs love, whether it be from friends, church community, a significant other, family, etc. No one is ever good enough, but by loving someone who isn't all there yet we can give them one of the most beautiful gifts imaginable. Jesus loves us even though we aren't really ready for Him, none of us are ever really good enough for Him, but He doesn't let that stop Him from giving us the most beautiful gift of His love.
Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Jennifer-939674 said:

HI Paul,

I too have always been drawn to those who needed "fixing" and that has been my downfall I have to say... I tended to find those that need A LOT of fixing.. I was used in every way, and I settled.. I have now discovered I do deserve to be treated well... when someone needs "fixing" they are not in a place where they can offer themselves to a person for a true loving commitment. I have discovered that in order to have a healthy relationship, both people need to be in a spot where they can be whole individually first. Hope that helps :)God bless you.

I actually disagree, because we can never be whole individually. Yes, people need to grow and be strong emotionally and mentally on their own, but I have seen beautiful things happen, where someone was completely needing of betterment (I hate the term fixing, you can't fix someone, you can only help them make themselves a better person) was given the love they needed to completely do a 180. Love can be a huge help and everyone needs love, whether it be from friends, church community, a significant other, family, etc. No one is ever good enough, but by loving someone who isn't all there yet we can give them one of the most beautiful gifts imaginable. Jesus loves us even though we aren't really ready for Him, none of us are ever really good enough for Him, but He doesn't let that stop Him from giving us the most beautiful gift of His love.
Jan 17th 2014 new
Ann, you are a very wise young woman. Love is a healing balm isn't it, part of God's grand plan. :)
Jan 17th 2014 new
(quote) Paul-1049651 said: .... women whose emotional limitations or baggage led friends of mine to attempt consolation by saying things like "you're better off, believe me"...generally followed by a patient enumeration of the lady's faults.

My first thought is, there's something seriously wrong with these people.

My second thought is, you are attracted to this type because you are a kind and giving person who knows what love is. People with broken wings are easy to ID, and to decide to love. But maybe they're not ready or worthy.

And yes, there are some of us around with little or no "baggage"

. Don't forget us, please. wink

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