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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

How can I tell?

Feb 18th 2014 new
If I am missing him or wanting to find someone else to love? If I am not just looking to replace him with someone else? If I don't meet someone else so I can figure this out? Not necessarily looking for answers but just voicing my frustration. Wondering if anyone else feels the same.
Feb 18th 2014 new

Hi, Deborah.

Welcome to the fora. I'm sorry for your loss. I certainly don't have the answer to your questions, but I have a feeling those are part of the reason they call grief a journey. I don't know how long you've been widowed, but I imagine the timeline for each of us is unique.

At one year, I thought the loneliness would swallow me whole. At two years, I couldn't believe how empty my world still felt, but the thought of dating made me ill. At three years, thinking about it didn't turn my stomach, so I felt ready to dip my toes in the pool. At four years, I went back to needing to get comfortable with me. At five years, I loved having conversations with men. They didn't replace my husband as much as they made me realize how much I enjoyed a man's input, his voice, and his perspective. At six years, I had hoped for more carefree fun, but nothing came to light. I'm heading into year seven. At times I miss my husband deeply and I wish someone would fill the void he left behind, at times I dream of someone new, that will bring fresh experiences and insight, and at times I'm happy by myself. So, I guess the answer to your questions is "yes, all of the above."

May God bless your search.

Kathy

Feb 19th 2014 new
(quote) Deborah-1058368 said: If I am missing him or wanting to find someone else to love? If I am not just looking to replace him with someone else? If I don't meet someone else so I can figure this out? Not necessarily looking for answers but just voicing my frustration. Wondering if anyone else feels the same.
Time heals. You did the right thing by joing CM and participate in the fora. While you heal, you will meet new friends who are also widowed and going/gone through what you are going through. You are not alone and it is ok if you still miss your husband. You shouldn't try to erase all the good memories you both shared either. Take your time and when you feel ready to date then do so. It has been 9 years for me and I enjoy my single status. I'm also open and hopeful to meet that special to me gent. hug
Feb 24th 2014 new
Thank you so much for your kind words, Nilda.
Feb 24th 2014 new
Hi Cathy,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's coming to about four years for me. It helps so much to hear of your experience. Sometimes I wonder if what I am going through is normal. I am familiar with many of the feelings and stages you mention. They come and go, God bless your search too.

Deborah
Feb 24th 2014 new
1. Welcome.
2. Yes, you will miss him.
3. Yes, you will want to meet someone new. (After all, our late spouses weren't perfect, and maybe someone new won't have some of those annoying flaws.)
4. It takes TIME to be ready for a new friend. Go slow.
5. Do you know who you are now that you are not "We"? Can you talk about "my town", "my home", "my kids" -- not "our"? Do you think of yourself as a single person...or as a person whose spouse is gone?

Single people do not see the world the same way married people do. When you can view the world as a single person, you are ready to date. Rushing the process is cruel to the new men you meet...and to yourself.
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