(quote) Kathy-635104 said: Hi, Kimberlie.
Your situation is different than mine in that my children weren't adopted, but I can tell you it took years for us to gel as a family after their father died. I was ready to ship my son to boot camp and literally begged my friend's husband (ex army) for advice. You don't say their ages, but children grieve differently than adults. If they had issues before, they intensify. (For example, perfectionism or anger.) My friend has three adopted children and even though she's had them since they were babies there are always things she deals with due to their birth mother's addictions.
So, with that combination, I can only imagine how hard it must be. I certainly know how difficult it was to walk through my own grief and still have to be fully present for my kids and help them with theirs. Like you, I didn't have the option of someone coming in to give me a break. My focus turned to just making sure that they regained that lost sense of security. We also lost our 15 year old husky a month after Bob so everything was horrible for them.
i will pray for you, because it takes a long time. Stay in church, surround yourself with friends that understand, seek out a counselor familiar with grief, and just hold on. It helped for us to have a basketball net. Boys relate through activity. It was during hoops that my son would open up and become real. (I'd use his spelling words to play "pig".) It's been 7 years for us and things are 100% better.
Losing your Husky so soon after your husband's death is something I can relate to very much. When my husband and I married, he brought three cats with him into the marriage. They were all male cats from the same litter. One died in 2009 (15 yrs old), one in 2010 (16 yrs old) and there was just the one left. I really think he just knew that Paul died, because less than two months later, Zulu died at age 18 yrs. That was so very hard for my kids to lose a link to their dad that was precious to them.
You are right, it will get better. Just when I think things couldn't get any worse, the kids will show me that maybe they are just a little more bonded than I thought. Case in point, my RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) kid had a huge blow up at me because I took electronics away from him for the rest of the day due to disobedience. He ignored my request by continuing to play on our xBox. So I grounded him. Well, he went all "you hate me, you don't do this to the others, you just don't like me as much as them." I told him that I had in fact taken away electronics from another brother just 15 minutes earlier. He stormed out of the house and went and sat in the middle of the road so he could be run over. My other two boys immediately went outside and stood about 10 ft away on either side of him so that no car could accidentally run over him. Then when he went running down the street, they followed him. I got in the car with my daughter and she said, "Mommy, I am very worried about N. I am seriously concerned he's trying to suicide himself." (she's 8.5) I reassured her he was not but was feeling angry and what he really wanted was for all of us to come after him to prove we love him. Sure enough I got half a block down the street and I saw the three boys walking up the road, laughing and carrying on. It seems that finding a dead squirrel, with a missing eyeball, bonds siblings like nothing else. It made me see that some day, there will be more moments like this and less of the other kind of moments we have most of the time.
Thank you Kathy!