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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Clarity of Silence

Mar 18th 2014 new
Simple question that might draw out some brave and honest souls on this website.....

For those that tend to be silent after receiving a message from a man or woman that "doesn't float your boat", why do you do it?

I am not afraid to admit I do it (I have admitted as much a few times in various threads and have tried to promote understanding regarding the reasons many do it). I personally do it because of a combination of a few things.

First, I truly believe it is less hurtful than replying with a message of "thanks but no thanks" no matter how sensitive and thoughtful I try to be. (I don't know how sensitive the person is on the other end, I prefer to not hurt if I can help it)

Second, it can be very difficult to reply to messages as I am on multiple dating sites.

Third, I don't necessarily want to close the door on a woman. I have been blocked after a polite "thanks but no thanks" in the past (more than a few times) and I don't always want that. People change, and I have come across a profile again that has been updated with new information, pictures etc that make made me much more interested.


Now I know there are TONS of people out there on this website and others that do this (I know of many many woman that have done it to me, in fact just about every single one I have ever tried contacting, true story). So please don't be afraid, speak up.

Mar 19th 2014 new
Interesting twist on the old "why don't they respond?" question, if I must say so myself. thumbsup


This question comes up quite often and, as you may guess, the responses run the entire gamut of explanations. Your first 2 reasons are usually the majority opinion.

Your final reason, however, doesn't "work" for many people. No one likes to be ignored after taking their time and making their effort to contact you. And to receive a reply much later often reeks of "rebound" or worse.

Personally, I will only send an initial communication. No reply = no second message. Ever. I'll waste my time once, never twice. I don't worry whether the recipient "closes the door" because I'll often have closed it myself by then. Also, after a certain period of time, I have little interest in receiving a reply, particularly from those with whom I've initiated contact with and see on-site virtually every time I'm logged-on. Most of the time, in these cases, I won't even reply if my initial communication is eventually replied to.

I'm a man, not a toy that sits on the shelf until someone has no one else to play with. My time is valuable and is only invested in those who are appreciative that I offered. I don't ignore an initial communication from ANYONE. Why should I be willing to accept any different? I reply to EVERY single one regardless of my interest. And in the event that I inadvertently happen to miss one and not reply I certainly don't expect the other person to just accept that. If they wish not to continue communicating from that point I certainly harbor no ill will toward her. It was my doing, not hers.

I live by one simple motto in this medium: Life waits for no one... and neither do I!

Pax
theheart
Mar 19th 2014 new
Hi Chris,

Let me propose a third way. Hypothetically, let's say a lady responds promptly to messages from men she likes if they are online in hopes of getting a good conversation going. If he's not online, she might wait till the next day.

If the man doesn't particularly appeal to her she will wait several days and then send a message that is somewhat noncommittal and disengaged and lacking in any real content. If another message comes in from the man, she would wait even more days before returning an even more boring message. Eventually the conversation fizzles out with both parties happy about it.
Mar 19th 2014 new
The only time I don't respond is when it's obvious that I've been sent a form message -- I can usually tell when a guy has been sending the same mass email to every woman in his search results, in hopes that eventually, one will respond. Typically, there's nothing about what I've written in my profile, my pictures, or anything that leads me to think he actually looked at my profile. (On another site, I actually get the same email from the same guy, every 30 days. He has never shown up on my viewed list, meaning he's just messaging people off the search pane.) If a guy can't take 5 minutes to go through my profile and write a tailored message, I don't feel like I owe him a reply.

However, if a guy sends me an actual message (not a mass email), then I will try to reply, even if it's to let them know I'm not interested. I'll admit though, one or two slipped through the cracks. By the time I realized it, it's too late to follow up :(
Mar 19th 2014 new
(quote) Susan-1048377 said: Hi Chris,

Let me propose a third way. Hypothetically, let's say a lady responds promptly to messages from men she likes if they are online in hopes of getting a good conversation going. If he's not online, she might wait till the next day.

If the man doesn't particularly appeal to her she will wait several days and then send a message that is somewhat noncommittal and disengaged and lacking in any real content. If another message comes in from the man, she would wait even more days before returning an even more boring message. Eventually the conversation fizzles out with both parties happy about it.
To me, I would prefer I get no message than waste time receiving false hope in the form of these types of messages. The moral of the story is that everyone views things differently, have their own reasons for doing things they do. People that don't reply don't deserve to be judged how they are judged. This is intended to bring clarity to those that take silence as such an insult.
Mar 19th 2014 new
(quote) Chris-947337 said: To me, I would prefer I get no message than waste time receiving false hope in the form of these types of messages. ...
To not respond is to respond.
Mar 19th 2014 new
Sometimes a response engenders an unwanted dialog from which it's difficult to extricate oneself. So many choose simply not to respond. I always send some sort of reply just to be polite.
Mar 19th 2014 new

There is no clarity in silence.

In the Women's Forum, we call this "poofing" - i.e., disappearing without a trace. It's hurtful, confusing, and generally considered rude.

Better to taper off with a few "hi, how are ya" messages. It's soon clear that a) you have nothing in common, b) you are not interested.

And if you have so many contacts on so many dating sites...why are you still single? scratchchin laughing More power to ya, bro! thumbsup

Mar 19th 2014 new
Most women don't think of it that way.
Mar 19th 2014 new
(quote) Chris-947337 said: Simple question that might draw out some brave and honest souls on this website.....

For those that tend to be silent after receiving a message from a man or woman that "doesn't float your boat", why do you do it?

I am not afraid to admit I do it (I have admitted as much a few times in various threads and have tried to promote understanding regarding the reasons many do it). I personally do it because of a combination of a few things.

First, I truly believe it is less hurtful than replying with a message of "thanks but no thanks" no matter how sensitive and thoughtful I try to be. (I don't know how sensitive the person is on the other end, I prefer to not hurt if I can help it)

Second, it can be very difficult to reply to messages as I am on multiple dating sites.

Third, I don't necessarily want to close the door on a woman. I have been blocked after a polite "thanks but no thanks" in the past (more than a few times) and I don't always want that. People change, and I have come across a profile again that has been updated with new information, pictures etc that make made me much more interested.


Now I know there are TONS of people out there on this website and others that do this (I know of many many woman that have done it to me, in fact just about every single one I have ever tried contacting, true story). So please don't be afraid, speak up.

Hi Chris,

I won't respond to someone if it is clear they didn't read my profile. IE a 78 yo man who initiates other than platonic contact. I am clear that 10 years or more is outside my comfort zone, but they still give it the old college try. The same thing with guys a lot younger than myself. I would rather not open a door to communication at all. Exasperated with one particular person after their repeated contacts, I asked if they hadeven read my profile. That was all that it took to get sucked into a conversation I did not want to have. I finally blocked the person. It was frustrating. I enjoy my time on social media sites, and I do not want to have to engage in a negative encounter. It's my choice, just as it is the choice of men I have initiated contact with who didn't respond to me. I didn't take it personal. The bottom line is we just don't know how people will respond to our "thanks but no thanks" message. Some of us out here in CM land would just rather avoid the issue altogether. It's a personal choice based on previous experience, current expectations and of course, our personality types. It is not rude or an insult, please don't take it that way.
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