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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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In other threads I read women say "no one contacts me" or "we exchanged emotigrams and then poof, he's gone." I read men complain about the very same thing. I see people who have been on here a short time and are impatient. I see people who have been on here a long time and say they haven't found "the one." In other threads we have discussed whether looks matter. What I "heard" was that yes, to most looks matter but that the definition of what is "attractive" is very subjective, i.e. "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." It was also suggested that a person's attractiveness can increase based upon a brief conversation where in a man/woman might look at a person and be like "meh, their OK I guess" but after spending time getting to know the person and seeing what they are really like, they become, "wow, I really like this person and I'd like to get to know them better."

So my question for those of you out there who are really, truly seeking a spouse and are not just going through the motions but have made up your minds that only one "type" of woman/man will be the perfect one for you (I put you men first because you do tend to be the more slow on the uptake when it comes to relationships - just sayin'), how do you expect to really judge someone's attractiveness based upon a few small profile pictures, and a profile introduction that can only share a fraction of who someone is? I think that you are frauds quite frankly if you say you want to meet the woman or man you can share your life with, if you won't take at least a few chances on some of the people who contact you to really try to get to know them.

Go ahead and hit me with your vitriol about my harshness, or your insistence that there is no one "here who is the one." Flame me if you want. I don't really care. As someone who has BTDT, had a fantastic marriage to a man I met on a Catholic dating website, and wishes I never had to even consider starting again, I can tell you you will not find that one unless you are willing to take a few risks, step outside of the neat little life you have created for yourself, and really, truly try to see who might come into your life. It might mean being willing to leave that job you have in that city because fulfilling a call to the vocation of marriage is a higher priority for you. It might mean leaving your family and friends, at least for a time, to make a life somewhere else with the man or woman who will be your spouse. It may ultimately mean relocating kids if you are a custodial parent.

My late husband was not anything at all like the man I held in my dreams of who I thought I would marry, and yet I fell hopelessly in love with him and he was EXACTLY the man I needed. He sacrificed his job to move to my city when we became serious. Later, after a couple years of marriage, I made the sacrifice of living close to my family and friends, to relocate to a different state so we could be closer to his elderly father. In a sacramental marriage, couples are asked to sacrifice for each other daily. If you put so many parameters on what you are/are not willing to do/accept (they have to be attractive and smart and tick off all your boxes; you won't leave your job, you won't leave your area, you want your own children but not his/hers, you only want [fill in the blank]), are you really leaving your heart open to God's direction? If you aren't willing to demonstrate you can make sacrifices during the dating process, how do you think you are going to do within the context of a loving, Catholic marriage? Are you willing to sacrifice what you think you want now, to be given what you truly need?

Guess that's more than one question.
Mar 22nd 2014 new
(quote) Kimberlie-1059215 said: In other threads I read women say "no one contacts me" or "we exchanged emotigrams and then poof, he's gone." I read men complain about the very same thing. I see people who have been on here a short time and are impatient. I see people who have been on here a long time and say they haven't found "the one." In other threads we have discussed whether looks matter. What I "heard" was that yes, to most looks matter but that the definition of what is "attractive" is very subjective, i.e. "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." It was also suggested that a person's attractiveness can increase based upon a brief conversation where in a man/woman might look at a person and be like "meh, their OK I guess" but after spending time getting to know the person and seeing what they are really like, they become, "wow, I really like this person and I'd like to get to know them better."

So my question for those of you out there who are really, truly seeking a spouse and are not just going through the motions but have made up your minds that only one "type" of woman/man will be the perfect one for you (I put you men first because you do tend to be the more slow on the uptake when it comes to relationships - just sayin'), how do you expect to really judge someone's attractiveness based upon a few small profile pictures, and a profile introduction that can only share a fraction of who someone is? I think that you are frauds quite frankly if you say you want to meet the woman or man you can share your life with, if you won't take at least a few chances on some of the people who contact you to really try to get to know them.

Go ahead and hit me with your vitriol about my harshness, or your insistence that there is no one "here who is the one." Flame me if you want. I don't really care. As someone who has BTDT, had a fantastic marriage to a man I met on a Catholic dating website, and wishes I never had to even consider starting again, I can tell you you will not find that one unless you are willing to take a few risks, step outside of the neat little life you have created for yourself, and really, truly try to see who might come into your life. It might mean being willing to leave that job you have in that city because fulfilling a call to the vocation of marriage is a higher priority for you. It might mean leaving your family and friends, at least for a time, to make a life somewhere else with the man or woman who will be your spouse. It may ultimately mean relocating kids if you are a custodial parent.

My late husband was not anything at all like the man I held in my dreams of who I thought I would marry, and yet I fell hopelessly in love with him and he was EXACTLY the man I needed. He sacrificed his job to move to my city when we became serious. Later, after a couple years of marriage, I made the sacrifice of living close to my family and friends, to relocate to a different state so we could be closer to his elderly father. In a sacramental marriage, couples are asked to sacrifice for each other daily. If you put so many parameters on what you are/are not willing to do/accept (they have to be attractive and smart and tick off all your boxes; you won't leave your job, you won't leave your area, you want your own children but not his/hers, you only want [fill in the blank]), are you really leaving your heart open to God's direction? If you aren't willing to demonstrate you can make sacrifices during the dating process, how do you think you are going to do within the context of a loving, Catholic marriage? Are you willing to sacrifice what you think you want now, to be given what you truly need?

Guess that's more than one question.

I read in another thread where someone printed out a bible verse to refer to daily. I believe your post is worthy of printing out also to refer to daily. I hope every man and woman reads your post to be enlightened by it and hopefully change the patterns they've created in choosing who to contact here. It is a shame that only a few get contacted and eventually meet. what happens to the other percentage? They drift away feeling this site was a failure for them when all of that is so unnecessary. All it takes is one Hello to start the ball rolling guys. If you contact one woman per day just think how many women that would be in six months. At least give the women a chance fellas.

I believe kimberlie is as long winded as I am on a subject she feels passionate about. Great Post Kimberlie.

Mar 22nd 2014 new
(quote) Connie-17641 said:

I read in another thread where someone printed out a bible verse to refer to daily. I believe your post is worthy of printing out also to refer to daily. I hope every man and woman reads your post to be enlightened by it and hopefully change the patterns they've created in choosing who to contact here. It is a shame that only a few get contacted and eventually meet. what happens to the other percentage? They drift away feeling this site was a failure for them when all of that is so unnecessary. All it takes is one Hello to start the ball rolling guys. If you contact one woman per day just think how many women that would be in six months. At least give the women a chance fellas.

I believe kimberlie is as long winded as I am on a subject she feels passionate about. Great Post Kimberlie.

Thank you Connie. I am a bit long winded. Usually I reserve it for my blog, but I couldn't help myself tonight.
Mar 22nd 2014 new
Over the 4+ years that I've been on and off of this site, I've found that more often than not these types of discussions in an open forum are pointless. They're all predicated on the same premise, the comments are always the same, the threads always end-up a battle between the genders because the other is always the one at fault, everyone agrees that we all need to "keep an open mind" and the like, and a month later we're having the same discussion all over again because nothing changed since the last discussion. Sound familiar?

Most of the people who will comment always post the same politically correct responses that they think will score them the most "brownie points", but rarely are the same standards by which they hold themselves personally accountable. "Saying" that we need to change our mindset rarely results in anyone actually doing it. And neither gender is any more or less at fault than the other for that. It's a matter of personal preference and choice, and practically no one is going to change theirs because the majority of comments in a thread in an open forum suggest that they should, particularly when everyone reading them are acutely aware that many of those making the comments are the least likely to follow their own advice. That isn't criticism, that's fact. And it applies to me as much as it does anyone else.

So, while your post does come-off a bit harsh, I don't believe your comments deserve criticism. However, they do need to be balanced with a dose of reality.

Just my two cents Carry on.

Pax
theheart
Mar 22nd 2014 new
(quote) Victor-544727 said: Over the 4+ years that I've been on and off of this site, I've found that more often than not these types of discussions in an open forum are pointless. They're all predicated on the same premise, the comments are always the same, the threads always end-up a battle between the genders because the other is always the one at fault, everyone agrees that we all need to "keep an open mind" and the like, and a month later we're having the same discussion all over again because nothing changed since the last discussion. Sound familiar?

Most of the people who will comment always post the same politically correct responses that they think will score them the most "brownie points", but rarely are the same standards by which they hold themselves personally accountable. "Saying" that we need to change our mindset rarely results in anyone actually doing it. And neither gender is any more or less at fault than the other for that. It's a matter of personal preference and choice, and practically no one is going to change theirs because the majority of comments in a thread in an open forum suggest that they should, particularly when everyone reading them are acutely aware that many of those making the comments are the least likely to follow their own advice. That isn't criticism, that's fact. And it applies to me as much as it does anyone else.

So, while your post does come-off a bit harsh, I don't believe your comments deserve criticism. However, they do need to be balanced with a dose of reality.

Just my Carry on.

Pax

Thank you Victor for your thoughtful comment. I grew up in New Jersey, towards the northern part of the state, and I guess I have just a little bit of "Archie Bunker" in me. Sometimes I read these forum threads and I want to say "Aaawww, sheesh, people. Quit your belly aching, and just do something about it." And I want you to know that I really did intend for my post to address both men and women because it goes both ways. And yes, I include myself in this category because I first came to CM thinking I was looking for a spouse. Then, I suddenly realized, I wasn't willing to move, I wasn't willing to risk rejection, and any number of other "restrictions" I had placed upon my search. I realized that I wasn't really giving God much to work with so maybe I wasn't really ready to date (shouldn't be dating). I switched my profile to "Seeking Friendship" because that's all I can offer at the moment. I don't want to falsely advertise, while waiting for my membership to expire. And hey, I have already had some really great, thought-provoking conversations with men that I have sorely missed having since my husband passed away. Bonus!

Peace to you too,

Mar 23rd 2014 new
Good post, Kimberlie! What one may call harsh, another may call realistic. I'm a tell-it-like-it-is girl, so I appreciate what you wrote.

Your post is a reminder to all of us. It brings up several questions everyone here should be honest with themselves about regarding their time on CM being successful.
How serious are they about getting to know several others in hopes of finding the one?
How much work are they willing to put into it? How many messages, emotigrams, or reaching out is done?
And one of the biggest hurdles - how many restrictions do they put on 'the one' having to meet everything on their (way-too-long) 'wish list?' Folks can always find ways to justify what they AREN'T willing to do / sacrifice to make a relationship work, but if that list is longer than the list of what they ARE willing to do / sacrifice to find their match - that's a problem.

I once heard you should put all your 'wish list' items about the perfect mate onto paper, then choose 3 as absolute musts. Everything else should be negotiable. Our idea of what we WANT might not be what God knows we NEED..
Mar 23rd 2014 new
No worries, Kimberlie. Any criticism you may have endured over your comments will now be directed towards me over mine. I'm used to it though. It happens to everyone in this forum that doesn't acquiesce to the grievance of the day and I have a long history of "non-compliance". laughing

There's always a price to be paid when speaking the truth and uncomfortable truths are always carry the biggest price tag. It's all good. For every word of criticism I catch over my comments I'm almost never accused of being wrong because those doing the criticizing know that the more they try to prove me wrong the more they prove me right.

And a month from now, when someone else posts a thread about this exact same topic, everything I said above will have been proven right once again just as it is on a near-monthly basis. And then the cycle will start all over again.

Pax

theheart


Mar 23rd 2014 new
(quote) Victor-544727 said:
Just my Carry on.

Pax

x2... thumbsup
Mar 23rd 2014 new
Well written.
Mar 23rd 2014 new
This post is sick ...................................................................................................................................

In an awesome saucely way, of course ....
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