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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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The Art of Being Elusive

Apr 10th 2014 new
I realize in dating being elusive is a good thing to some degree. It promotes mystery and intrigue, encourages desire. But you can only be elusive for so long before it becomes frustrating and the relationship isn't worth the effort. Being too eager can scare people away, but so can being too elusive. There is an art to being elusive. It's not playing games, or waiting so many days to call/text. It's not reading between the lines and over analyzing, just as it's not being aloof and distracted. The appeal of being elusive is the not being clingy. The pursuit of happiness and the desire to be with someone comes from the effort you put in and how it is reciprocated. Honestly you have to stop looking for someone to fill the void. You should be whole before you can give yourself to another.

If you are looking for an exclusive (and not elusive), healthy relationship, it has to start with yourself. You have to be happy and confident in your life. You also have to keep living your life and not completely sacrifice everything for the person of interest. Yes there will be sacrifices and compromises, but you should never lose yourself. If you have a strong and healthy sense of self, that alone is mysterious and intriguing. Love who you are, and be who you are. Don't wrap yourself up in the other person, but don't play games either. In my opinion, that is the art of being elusive.
Apr 10th 2014 new
(quote) Christie-931753 said: The pursuit of happiness and the desire to be with someone comes from the effort you put in and how it is reciprocated. Honestly you have to stop looking for someone to fill the void. You should be whole before you can give yourself to another.

If you are looking for an exclusive (and not elusive), healthy relationship, it has to start with yourself. You have to be happy and confident in your life. You also have to keep living your life and not completely sacrifice everything for the person of interest. Yes there will be sacrifices and compromises, but you should never lose yourself. If you have a strong and healthy sense of self, that alone is mysterious and intriguing. Love who you are, and be who you are. Don't wrap yourself up in the other person, but don't play games either. In my opinion, that is the art of being elusive.
I highly Agree with the above.. like almost 200% Agree.. thumbsup wink biggrin
Apr 10th 2014 new
Completely agree. Be who you are, continue to nurture the relationships in your life and make room for the new person.
Apr 12th 2014 new
hmm. I would think that I would participate in enough correspondence to pique interest and let things rest for a few days. If they write again, correspondence continues. If not, que sera, sera. It's all good +
Apr 12th 2014 new
(quote) Christie-931753 said: I realize in dating being elusive is a good thing to some degree. It promotes mystery and intrigue, encourages desire. But you can only be elusive for so long before it becomes frustrating and the relationship isn't worth the effort. Being too eager can scare people away, but so can being too elusive. There is an art to being elusive. It's not playing games, or waiting so many days to call/text. It's not reading between the lines and over analyzing, just as it's not being aloof and distracted. The appeal of being elusive is the not being clingy. The pursuit of happiness and the desire to be with someone comes from the effort you put in and how it is reciprocated. Honestly you have to stop looking for someone to fill the void. You should be whole before you can give yourself to another.

If you are looking for an exclusive (and not elusive), healthy relationship, it has to start with yourself. You have to be happy and confident in your life. You also have to keep living your life and not completely sacrifice everything for the person of interest. Yes there will be sacrifices and compromises, but you should never lose yourself. If you have a strong and healthy sense of self, that alone is mysterious and intriguing. Love who you are, and be who you are. Don't wrap yourself up in the other person, but don't play games either. In my opinion, that is the art of being elusive.
Beautifully written. But try as I might, I don't see how to reconcile "don't play games" with "the art of being elusive..[to] promote mystery and intrigue and encourage desire".
Apr 12th 2014 new
HI,
Remaining too elusive runs the risk of looking disinterested, and the only thing you'll end up eluding is finding someone who is truly interested in you. Don't disregard communication for days assuming you're piquing some guy's interest - he's wondering why you're ignoring him.

Damien
Apr 12th 2014 new
Funny you say that, Paul, because I was appreciating most the "don't play games" statement in that. My take is that you can be honest in saying things verses letting the other wonder about if something said didn't sit right with them, or complementing when it comes to mind verses keeping those thoughts to yourself. Being elusive would then be not having to talk, text, see the other every free chance you get. (Though I fall into the trap of what fun would that be when everything is new and exciting and looking forward to being shared.)

Intrigue is a natural phenomenon when you meet someone you can't wait to learn more about. Really, none of this can be fabricated. It just falls into place on it's own. You can't create interest except by being yourself.
Apr 12th 2014 new
Good morning Daniel:

HI,
"Remaining too elusive runs the risk of looking disinterested, and the only thing you'll end up eluding is finding someone who is truly interested in you. Don't disregard communication for days assuming you're piquing some guy's interest - he's wondering why you're ignoring him."

Every guy I have ever known feels the same. To me it is analogous to what we say in our oil patch when trying to get work contracts from an elusive client - " Forget it, carry on cause we are just barking up a dead dog's butt!" Also in middle and older age there is precious little time to put up with elusive dragged out game playing. You click here and now or you do not.

Cheers,

Michael Kelly




Apr 12th 2014 new
(quote) Damien-1076406 said: HI,
Remaining too elusive runs the risk of looking disinterested, and the only thing you'll end up eluding is finding someone who is truly interested in you. Don't disregard communication for days assuming you're piquing some guy's interest - he's wondering why you're ignoring him.

Damien
Welcome to the forums Damien. Well said. This maybe applicable to both men and women. Being too elusive maybe perceived as lack of interest and may mean a missed opportune to get to know.
Apr 12th 2014 new
I like what Christie says here, except i think perhaps elusive isn't the right word for it. Elusive can be an organic characteristic born of a person's insecurity, fear of rejection, reaction to previous hurts or just deliberately manufactured to manipulate the mind and heart of another -- therefore a game.

Being coy does not fit here either, as that while a game, can be a fun game of flirting.

Nor is elusiveness a remedy for clinginess, instead it is the opposite of clinginess, implying rather than stuck like glue and needy a state always just out of reach and potentially unattainable and a sense of disregard resides in elusiveness.

I think rather Christie is arguing for a connectedness coupled with a surety in both one's self and one's partner, that does not fret or falter when faced with periods of absence. It does not immediately prompt feelings of fear, sadness or jealousy, but is instead calm and certain that later will come and tomorrow will arrive and contact in varied forms will occur.

And, Kathy is right, intrigue is a natural part of the excitement of meeting and liking someone new. And, intrigue does not fade away in the face of the surety of a relationship, but it can definitely be squelched by immature and fearful clinginess.

I think sometimes the concept of fighting for our mate has been morphed into controlling our mate through emotional manipulation of our mate, rather than defending our mate from incoming game players.

If elusiveness on the part of either partner is fomenting feelings of inadequacy, fear, jealousy or insecurity -- it is time to say goodbye.
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