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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

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Hi all,

I've been a full member of this site since mid November, and while I haven't found "the one" yet, I have had numerous good conversations, one date, and (most important) a better understanding of dating/courtship in the Catholic Church. I plan to renew my membership when the six months expire.

There is a situation that many people here have faced, and I was hoping to hear some ideas--both from a male and female perspective--of what the protocol, and your personal opinion, of what should be done. You have received an emotigram/message from someone who has expressed interest in you, but upon reading their profile, you know that there is no way you would be compatible. Perhaps it's the fact that they live across the world and you specifically stated that you do not want a long distance relationship. Or, they are divorced and do not accept half of the teachings of the Church. Or even something smaller, like a much larger age difference than you feel comfortable with, and no physical attraction. Whatever the reason/reasons, it's a definite red flag.

Are you supposed to contact that person with a polite message saying you're not interested, or just not respond and hope that they get the message? Is not responding within a certain time period the expected way to state your lack of interest without hurting their feelings? In the past, I've always opted for the polite message. Sometimes, I either receive no response, or a polite response. Other times, the person will respond saying that they had never intended to pursue a relationship, only friendship. Recently, after receiving numerous emotigrams from the same person, only to receive more when I expressed my disinterest, I finally just blocked them.

Since I can't be the only one who's encountered this, I was hoping for some insight.

Thank you!
Emily
Apr 26th 2014 new
Hi Emily! biggrin

I usually respond with a polite message stating why I am not interested...be it distance, differences in values etc. I don't usually expect a response, but I have received a few thanking me for at least politely declining. That's just been my experience!

Nessa :) wave
Apr 26th 2014 new
(quote) Emily-482018 said: Hi all,

I've been a full member of this site since mid November, and while I haven't found "the one" yet, I have had numerous good conversations, one date, and (most important) a better understanding of dating/courtship in the Catholic Church. I plan to renew my membership when the six months expire.

There is a situation that many people here have faced, and I was hoping to hear some ideas--both from a male and female perspective--of what the protocol, and your personal opinion, of what should be done. You have received an emotigram/message from someone who has expressed interest in you, but upon reading their profile, you know that there is no way you would be compatible. Perhaps it's the fact that they live across the world and you specifically stated that you do not want a long distance relationship. Or, they are divorced and do not accept half of the teachings of the Church. Or even something smaller, like a much larger age difference than you feel comfortable with, and no physical attraction. Whatever the reason/reasons, it's a definite red flag.

Are you supposed to contact that person with a polite message saying you're not interested, or just not respond and hope that they get the message? Is not responding within a certain time period the expected way to state your lack of interest without hurting their feelings? In the past, I've always opted for the polite message. Sometimes, I either receive no response, or a polite response. Other times, the person will respond saying that they had never intended to pursue a relationship, only friendship. Recently, after receiving numerous emotigrams from the same person, only to receive more when I expressed my disinterest, I finally just blocked them.

Since I can't be the only one who's encountered this, I was hoping for some insight.

Thank you!
Emily
Welcome to CM, Emily.

There is no protocol, per se. Some people prefer receiving a response when they contact a person who is not interested; others prefer that the other person not respond. This is a frequent topic of discussion in the forums, where most of the respondents seem to prefer receiving a polite rejection, so your approach seems to be the most reasonable. However, don't expect the same from others, as many simply don't respond.

As you have unfortunately experienced, there are some who don't respond to the rejections well. If they are just being persistent, the best response is to block them; if they are abusive, I suggest reporting them to the Admins via a Help ticket.


Apr 26th 2014 new

I think too many people are FAR too choosy on this site. I can understand some things being a "huge red flag" but I also believe that there are too many folks who are looking for near-perfection in a spouse, and while it used to be men who were most guilty of "look-ism" toward women, now the tables have turned.

Let's face it, a lot of people on this site only care about photos. How the other person looks. Such a difference from the older generations who cared more about character. And THAT takes time to know - has nothing to do with a photo. How sad!!

The best approach is to say that you are INITIALLY not interested, and say exactly why. You might ask why that person was interested in YOU. If you take a little time, you may find that BOTH of you have misinterpreted the other.

To everyone - stop making snap judgments and invest a little time in others.


Apr 26th 2014 new
(quote) Andrew-1045895 said:

I think too many people are FAR too choosy on this site. I can understand some things being a "huge red flag" but I also believe that there are too many folks who are looking for near-perfection in a spouse, and while it used to be men who were most guilty of "look-ism" toward women, now the tables have turned.

Hear, hear!


Apr 26th 2014 new

I would never tell someone I wasn't interested -- unless he was annoying me, in which case I'd have him blocked.

I don't believe there's enough info in a profile to give us enough basis for rejecting someone without any communication.

The only rule in this kind of thing is: BE KIND.

Apr 26th 2014 new

Hello Emily,

I see no protocol actually. Here is why:

E - I've been a full member of this site since mid November, and while I haven't found "the one" yet, I have had numerous good conversations, one date, and (most important) a better understanding of dating/courtship in the Catholic Church. I plan to renew my membership when the six months expire.

M - Me too, I'm having the time of my life and really enjoy my stay here as well!

E - There is a situation that many people here have faced, and I was hoping to hear some ideas--both from a male and female perspective--of what the protocol, and your personal opinion, of what should be done. You have received an emotigram/message from someone who has expressed interest in you, but upon reading their profile, you know that there is no way you would be compatible. Perhaps it's the fact that they live across the world and you specifically stated that you do not want a long distance relationship. Or, they are divorced and do not accept half of the teachings of the Church. Or even something smaller, like a much larger age difference than you feel comfortable with, and no physical attraction. Whatever the reason/reasons, it's a definite red flag.

M - How the heck can we really know a person's real heart just from a few photos and a personality summary? It takes at least 6 months to a year to really know a person and see their true colors as any psychologist or marriage counselor would tell us. Basing our initial judgment on these forums is totally foolhardy in my books. Even if they are your perfect match according to their profiles, you will never know until you write to them, get a feeling for their true hearts then of course meet them in person. Distance is dicey and I understand this but I would sure as hell fly from Cape to Cairo if I had the opportunity to know that special one for me. If they are divorced I would see to it that they were getting their annulment as I did with my late wife. When you start to love someone they may well listen to you and change their attitudes about the teachings of the Catholic church. If they were totally that inflexible and disgusted with many aspects of our faith in the first place they would not be here at all would they? My name is Michael, yours is Emily, not Jesus Christ. Don't worry about big age differences. I do have lady "friends" in the macro world from 20 -80. Most guys including myself though would much rather go for Latin American or Asian girls half our age if we so chose to go that route forgetting grey hair and acne don't mix. As for physical attractiveness, I see nobody on here, starting with me on the cover of Gentleman's Quarterly, Vogue or Cosmopolitan magazines. I think we all need to look in the mirror before getting too critical of others on here.

E Are you supposed to contact that person with a polite message saying you're not interested, or just not respond and hope that they get the message? Is not responding within a certain time period the expected way to state your lack of interest without hurting their feelings? In the past, I've always opted for the polite message. Sometimes, I either receive no response, or a polite response. Other times, the person will respond saying that they had never intended to pursue a relationship, only friendship. Recently, after receiving numerous emotigrams from the same

M No, never write off a person off and keep an open mind. With the signals you get here you just don't know. For example I had one lady I've been writing to for about 6 weeks say caio, but LDR and parts of your attitude are not for me! Then I suddenly get a letter to come and visit her in her state and go on a a trip for a week or so in a month from now. We can't read minds all the time!

Just remember what come around goes around and each of us ought to treat the other as how they would like to be treated. If all of us here on CMC were that good and the dream boats of the world we'd never have to be on here in the first place would we now?

Cheers,

Michael





Apr 26th 2014 new
(quote) Nessa-1054423 said: Hi Emily!

I usually respond with a polite message stating why I am not interested...be it distance, differences in values etc. I don't usually expect a response, but I have received a few thanking me for at least politely declining. That's just been my experience!

Nessa :)
This. I wish that more women would do this.
Apr 26th 2014 new
What I do really depends both on how much we have in common and how detailed their message is. If it's simply an interview reply or an emotigram, I tend not to answer simply for my own emotional wellbeing, but if I've reviewed an actual message expressing a fair amount of interest, I do send a " thank you, but no thank you" message. Protocol is really a matter of situation, I've found.
Apr 26th 2014 new
Um, unless he pays for your membership, you don't owe anyone any explanations.
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