The thing I am most proud of is that I resurrected a dream to write a novel, took a writing course, and joined a group of other female writers. My novel (a collection of short stories in actuality) is taking shape slowly as I have to fit in my writing between mothering responsibilities, but it will get done. Published? Who knows and I don't care. It's about finishing it.
As for the rest of my becoming, who knows? I am still a rough draft.
I think in some ways I am still in the becoming phase as well. But, there have been little triumphs, like mowing the lawn and fixing the toilet, to bigger things like continuing to finish the dissertation, struggling with the where am I to go now and what am I supposed to do now -- with thoughts that are completely different than what they were up until Pete's death. I've welcomed a new grandbaby and two more on the way and I try to enjoy them the way he would have. I have organized a huge family trip and spoke at my son's wedding. I have had a major surgery and fought to save my youngest from a bad place. I have learned I can survive the silence and solitude of my life now, despite rebelling against it. I have followed the legal paths of justice to see where they may take us and am currently challenging some laws here in regard to worker deaths. Perhaps that gives meaning to this loss.
I still don't know where to go or what I am to do ultimately, but each day I feel stronger and more convinced that I will be able to see it through whenever I discover what it is lol. . .
Most importantly, I learned that despite this gaping wound to my soul I can continue to breath and move and think and love, even through the pain of it all.
Happy New Year
Yes, it is a new year. All alone! What now? Wow! If that isn't a brain teaser I don't know what is.
We find ouerselves in that unbelievable quandry of life without Him/Her. In the past 7 years I have been there twice. With Connie it was Cancer after 35 years. With Valerie it was an accident after 5 1/2 months.
For me it was writing. After Connie, it was a cathartic book, "Choices" of my life with all the pitfalls and successes. The good the bad and yes, the ugly. We all experianced the same in life. With Valerie however we had not been man and wife long enough to have tossed off the shackles of the "Hallmark" life to witness the bad and probably the ugly. I say that of course with tongue in cheek.
While dating, Valerie offered her manuscript of, "Beyond the Shadow of the Brownstone" for my comments. After reading this Oeuvre I realized that it was a winner and assisted her in the final editing of this fictional novel when she died. This past Good Friday was the first anniversary of her Funeral Service and since that time I worked to have it published. The release of this Fictional Novel was on October 1, 2013 and has been on Amazon ever since. It has taken many thousands of dollars and countless hours on this infernal computer to bring her work to fruision. Read about it on Amazon you might like it.
As of yesterday I have begun to work with a new PR Firm to complete the marketing of Valeries work. It most likely will take many more thousands of dollars and hours on the computer as well as visiting various venues such as Barns and Noble, Sisters of St Paul Book stores and any and all who wish to allow me to be present as her advocate at Book Signing in Abstencia.
Finally I have another book on my computer that is known only to me of Valerie's final work in this life and am presently doing the final editing so that when "Brownstone" has run its course I will be able to introduce to the world a final and magnificient work by my wife Valerie Lawrence. She was/is beautiful, smart, strong, loving and dedicated to helping others. Should I do any less? If you ever have time toss her a "Hail Mary". Thanks
To all, please may God love and protect you
Be safe, be happy and be in love
This story would never have made me rich and it made me sick to think of making money off of Phil's death, thus I donate every cent. It is cathartic and it has allowed my heart to heal. Godspeed, my friend.
Good evening Linda
Bravo! You are one that I admire very much. I have watched your comments on CM for quite a while. Having been an Officer in Korea and having my outfit loosing 98 wonderful men I know the heartache you carry. Sending those men home was the most brutle job I have ever had.
I too will never recover my investment in the memory of my dear wife as I have offered 100% of all rights to "Priests for Life" and also pledged $1.00 to the Right to Life Organization for every book sold.
It seems that we are on the same page and my journey will never be a function of dollars and cents. I rather feel that when an individual accomplishes an unusual feat that it should be honored and that is what I have tried to do in her memory.
Of course I have learned that this has become a coping strategy ... but so far it's the most effective strategy I've found. It really isn't that bad though, the community and others have benefited from me giving so freely of my time.