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Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people 45+. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

The story of Abraham and Sarah is told in chapters 11-25 of the book of Genesis.
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Caring for elderly parents

Jun 27th 2014 new
So many of our peers (not in this forum) I have talked to have all said the same thing about caring for their parents in their final years - that it was a blessing for both parent and adult child. I have struggled with my attempt. My father passed away in '84. I sometimes feel like there is unfinished business he intended for me somehow. His dying wish (I was not present for his passing) was that we would all love each other. My mother and I have polar opposite temperaments. My confessor says all my attempts to help her, to understand her and to love her will be rewarded in my life and when I pass.

I was available when my mother stumbled outside and fell. I discovered her splayed out on the front porch in shock with a horrible compound fracture, bleeding from her wrist. The look on her face and her helplessness began for me a long period of hyper-vigilance while she recovered. I have a high regard for care givers as a result. My older sister takes care of the medications and her finances, I help with the chores and the errands and, more frequently now, other "little things" like opening, closing, lifting, reaching, et cetera.

My mother hopes for me to carry on and find a good spouse since my annulment has been in process now for 3 years and we expect good news in the near future. I want to carry on for all the right reasons including the right relationship with her and the assurance of the next level of her palliative care - I think that would satisfy my father's dying wish in letter and spirit. I would like to think a good woman would appreciate how a man loves his own mother and would see that love as a hopeful sign for a new relationship.

What are the experiences out there among the peers in this forum in regard to caring for elderly parents?

Cor ad cor loquitur,
Leo



Jun 27th 2014 new
(quote) Leo-1097313 said: So many of our peers (not in this forum) I have talked to have all said the same thing about caring for their parents in their final years - that it was a blessing for both parent and adult child. I have struggled with my attempt. My father passed away in '84. I sometimes feel like there is unfinished business he intended for me somehow. His dying wish (I was not present for his passing) was that we would all love each other. My mother and I have polar opposite temperaments. My confessor says all my attempts to help her, to understand her and to love her will be rewarded in my life and when I pass.

I was available when my mother stumbled outside and fell. I discovered her splayed out on the front porch in shock with a horrible compound fracture, bleeding from her wrist. The look on her face and her helplessness began for me a long period of hyper-vigilance while she recovered. I have a high regard for care givers as a result. My older sister takes care of the medications and her finances, I help with the chores and the errands and, more frequently now, other "little things" like opening, closing, lifting, reaching, et cetera.

My mother hopes for me to carry on and find a good spouse since my annulment has been in process now for 3 years and we expect good news in the near future. I want to carry on for all the right reasons including the right relationship with her and the assurance of the next level of her palliative care - I think that would satisfy my father's dying wish in letter and spirit. I would like to think a good woman would appreciate how a man loves his own mother and would see that love as a hopeful sign for a new relationship.

What are the experiences out there among the peers in this forum in regard to caring for elderly parents?

Cor ad cor loquitur,
Leo



God bless you and your sister for the help you give your mom! God knows how many lonely elderly finish their final years in nursing homes.

Currently, my mom takes care of my dad. She is in great health and he is in bad health. He has problems with his memory and will worry or become agitated if he doesn't know (or remember) where my mom may be at any given moment. While he remembers the names of all 5 of my brothers, he has trouble remembering his 8 daughters.

Many times have we kids taken him to doctors appointments or to the emergency room, etc. As he is a horribly stubborn Irishman, he is only comfortable with my mom helping him. We are all happy to help both of them with anything they may need; my mom is content with being his caretaker...
Jun 27th 2014 new
Do your siblings live nearby?
About your father forgetting you and your sisters' names, I've been told by a neighbor who does in-home visits specifically for patients with heart and respiratory problems that mothers are less likely to trust their sons than their daughters at this stage. That might help explain why my sister helps with the meds and the finances and I am trusted with the brawn. Hey, I don't want to trade places with my sister but I am glad she and I can cover for each other to give each other a break.
I often wonder what it would have been like had my father survived to live today.
I'll ponder that.
Thank you.
Cor ad cor loquitur, Sister,
Leo
Jun 27th 2014 new
All of my siblings except two brothers live in the area.

My dad has had every heart procedure you can think of and, but for the grace of God, has lived about 20 years longer than expected. He and my mom have been daily Communicants for the last 30+ years.

Our Blessed Lord certainly has had a plan for them! Just think of all the people they have prayed for and all of the Masses they have offered. How generous Our Lord is!
Jun 29th 2014 new
Leo said
" I would like to think a good woman would appreciate how a man loves his own mother and would see that love as a hopeful sign for a new relationship.

What are the experiences out there among the peers in this forum in regard to caring for elderly parents?

Cor ad cor loquitur,
Leo "

Leo,

I too take care of my elderly parents; my 89 year old dad being the one who needs the most care. It can be challenging, it can be wearing and it can be overwhelming sometimes. However, for the most part it can be very rewarding. I think our attitude has so much to do with how we handle things. I feel honored and privlidged to be with my folks at this stage of their lives. No one will ever be able to take this time and these memories away from me. That's not to say that it doesn't get to me once in a while. I just sent out an SOS to some of my siblings who aren't doing much (or anything!) to help.

I agree with you Leo, for myself, hoping that a Godly man would appreciate the fact that I am there for my parents, that he would be able to understand that a love like that would only mean the opportunity for a loving, Godly marriage.

So, we continue to do what God wants us to do in caring for our parent/s, we pray for and do our part in searching for the spouse God wants for us, and we leave the rest up to Him!

Blessings and Prayers,

Teresa
Jun 29th 2014 new
Wow Joan-13 children in your family. I have a neighbor that was one of 19!
My father has Alzheimer's and my mom is full time caregiver. Like Joan's father, my Dad only wants my mother. Now it is getting to the point that he cannot stand for her to be out of his sight and even follows her around. He will be 90 and Mom 87. I think my mom will be placing Dad in a nursing home before next winter as he is going to continue to deteriorate. He puts a guilt trip on her anytime she does leave him which is
very rare. When I stay with Dad he is very worried about mom and the car and when she will return. He asks over and over again where she is and when she is getting home. It is exhausting.
it is all so sad and of course my mom gets upset with Dad but it really is no longer my Dad-some strange man instead. I volunteer to do errands,etc at any time but my Mom is extremely independent-Dad will ride to store with her but stay in car-use to go inside and sit on bench and wait on her. All we can do is assist them as much as possible and pray for them.

Jun 29th 2014 new
Good topic. Spent a year caring for my Mom in my home. They don't like to relocate or lose their independence. A friend gave some good advice . Just say "Let;s do this together." Get help to come in ...lock up the valuables. say the words of appreciation while you have them. Write down their stories & the ancestor genealogy & be of good cheer..It was not always easy!
Jun 29th 2014 new
(quote) Carol-979839 said: Wow Joan-13 children in your family. I have a neighbor that was one of 19!
My father has Alzheimer's and my mom is full time caregiver. Like Joan's father, my Dad only wants my mother. Now it is getting to the point that he cannot stand for her to be out of his sight and even follows her around. He will be 90 and Mom 87. I think my mom will be placing Dad in a nursing home before next winter as he is going to continue to deteriorate. He puts a guilt trip on her anytime she does leave him which is
very rare. When I stay with Dad he is very worried about mom and the car and when she will return. He asks over and over again where she is and when she is getting home. It is exhausting.
it is all so sad and of course my mom gets upset with Dad but it really is no longer my Dad-some strange man instead. I volunteer to do errands,etc at any time but my Mom is extremely independent-Dad will ride to store with her but stay in car-use to go inside and sit on bench and wait on her. All we can do is assist them as much as possible and pray for them.

It is never an easy decision with regards to a nursing home; the guilt can be overwhelming and so can the second-guessing. After much soul-searching, my parents put my maternal grandmother in a nursing home after a stroke rendered one side of her body useless. I remember my mother agonizing over the decision and the guilt. Fortunately, the nursing facility was at the end of our street, so we were able to spend time with Grandma every day. It all worked out for the best.

God bless you all in this decision, Carol!
Jun 30th 2014 new

Hi Leo,

Like Teresa, I also cared for both of my parents in their home, and I have counted it as one of the biggest and best blessings that God has ever given me. I took retirement two years early in order to do this, and just lost my father the end of March. Mom and Dad were just a few weeks short of being married 72 years...and it made ALL THE DIFFERENCE to them to be in their own home, right up to his demise. It was both intimate and exhausting, especially the final 3 months, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I heard all the special stories, witnessed their own "quiet love glances" and parting lamentations, and became more aware than ever of how important each person is to another, especially one's spouse. It taught me patience and forgiveness beyond my wildest imagination...

I have been blessed. I look in on my mother daily, or at least phone her, as she is able to live independently at almost 94. Like you, I hope that a future mate will not discount me as a potential friend/date/mate, because I am already "dedicated" to helping care for my parent. I have noticed several other CM men over the past few years, who served as their parent's caregiver, and thought "Gee, what a wonderful human being!"

I'm sure that God has a special mate intended for you--and she will appreciate you so much more because you have dared to care, and honored your loved ones.

Jul 2nd 2014 new
Leo....stand and be proud, your parents have done a great job in rasing a fine son that truly cares for them.

Taking care of elderly parents is never easy, as I also take care of my elderly parents of 83 & 73. Thank God mom is still able to drive and works (yes I said work), good for her that she is still able to do this only for a couple of months throughout the year, but it's also sad because she needs health coverage. Working full time doesn't give me much to be with them all day, however, I rely on my adult son to see to them when I am not at home. It's not easy, but I have to remember it will be rewarding in the long run.



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