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A place to learn, mingle, and share

This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

While I have a quiet confidence that I will one day have a chapter two (God's promise me, but a whole other story), at times it seems really daunting. I still do not feel comfortable with the online component in large part because it is too easy to put too much validity into the words written. I have been burned by the one person I tried it with on this site two years ago, but the story isn't him. It is me. As I have mentored other widows (my job and my heart), I have noticed something about many of us that were in good marriages. It seems that we put too much validity into relationships too soon. It seems that we assume that as our feelings are growing, the other's are also. We assume that if we are transparent and truthful, the other is also. While I believe this is true of all people, I think that people who are widows (and perhaps widowers) tend to jump in too fast and invest too much too soon. Am I wrong?

I think that there is also the component of feeling old before my time in terms of having to have buried a spouse. While I get asked out occasionally, it hasn't been by anyone that I would be remotely interested in for the long run. My mom thinks that I am too picky, but I keep thinking that if I wouldn't want my daughter dating someone like the person asking me out, then why is it picky that I do not want to date someone like--well, I don't want to spell it out and seem "picky", but I there are certain things that I need. I am too old to change and I want someone comfortable enough in themselves that they do not feel the need to change for me or be consumed by the work and volunteer stuff I do for the military.

Lastly, and I am getting ahead of myself, far ahead, I might add, there is the issue of the last time another person saw me undressed for the first time, I had the body of a 27 year old. It is a little daunting to even think of that. I am 52 and I certainly do not have a 27 year old body any more. Laugh.

So, the little I the only one?
Jul 5th 2014 new

Every widow has the same concerns. First of all, we never wanted to be without our spouses after many years of never having to worry who our date was going to be. We now feel a little foolish being vulnerable and needy for the first time in a long time.

That neediness is what drives that desire to hurry into something and it is fueled by watching too many romantic movies where in 2 hours people meet, fall in love, and usually end up in bed (like that's no big deal).

The truth is nobody wants to be out dating strangers. It's not really a normal way to meet. I've often wished there was someone I already knew well from over the years and that we had a desire to start dating.

In real life, you don't "date" someone at first and this is crucial. You talk informally over time, exchanging some comments or small talk, and you gradually come to realize that there might be something you like about that person.

I think online dating is really a bad way to meet people and I think the odds of finding a connection are slim. I think you're more liklely to make a friend than to find that lifelong lover that exists in your imagination and the media.

That being said, I wouldn't worry about your physical appearance. If and when you met the right person, it would not matter at all.
Jul 10th 2014 new

I won't call those things "insecurities". They are:
-- part of the mourning process (being so anxious to get past it that any "date" gets our hopes too high) and
-- part of figuring out who you are as a single person, not as half a couple (you're not picky, you've learned what works for you).

Normal. But not a lot of fun.

Jul 10th 2014 new
(quote) Joseph-1103914 said: ..... I wouldn't worry about your physical appearance. If and when you met the right person, it would not matter at all.

Yeah, if we're lucky the other party will have all their teeth and a good wig.


Jul 23rd 2014 new
No Linda you are not the only one! Joseph said it so well in his post. I married Dave when we were both 22-we grew up together -what did we know really about life when we were 22. We had to learn it and did all that together.
i have hope there is someone out there for me again-why we are all in this site.
try not to think about some of the details-if you find someone that loves you they will not care about some of the issues we worry about. Good luck-just trust in The Lord! 😃Carol
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