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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

What are some of the hardest things about becoming a widow/widower?

For me, I was a military spouse. I got used to moving ever 2-4 years. I didn't realize how small my world had become or how shallow my roots were. Sure, I could connect quickly with people, but these were shallow connections. In two to three years, one of us would leave. While we could meet up ten years later and immediately connect where we left off, I never developed those 911 friends. You know, the ones that know what you need without saying a word?

I had to choose where I wanted to live one year after Phil died. How would I know? Home was where ever the military took us. It became him, thus when he died, not having those 911 friends made things much harder. I live on the east coast, but I am not an east coast girl. I am learning, though. My circle will never be one deep again because the loneliness is incredibly difficult at times .

Also, I was not the driver in our house or the electronic person. I hire out the electronic issues and I am working on increasing my driving mileage--laugh.
Jul 27th new
I think that for me, the loss of social connections was noticeable. It is not that people cut me off, more that I just did not see as many of them as often. You end up with "her friends", "our friends", and "my friends". So I don't see her friends to speak of, but a number of people went out of their way to invite me to parties, etc. One of her kids quit speaking to me, and I don't see some of the grandkids as often.

On a more short-term basis, as Marianne was dying, the house filled up with people, friends, family, and paid caregivers. After the funeral, I was more or less alone, so this was very striking.

I miss her good advice about people. When I was starting dating, I kept thinking that she would be a better judge of someone than myself. This was 100% true at first, now only 60% true, as my judgement has improved, or perhaps become less cloudy.

The functional losses I can live with. I can run a sewing machine, can fruit, do very simple cooking. I was always tech support in our house, and tend to be able to do most anything, so functional losses were not really an issue.
Jul 27th new

There is no one on my team.

No one who backs up my unpopular decisions (unpopular among the kids, that is).

No one who tells me, "Wait a minute, that might not be the best way to do it." Or, "Boy, that was smart!" Or, "Nice work!"

No one who gives me a hug and says, "Bummer."

Jul 27th new
Lots of trusting in God happened.
It was and still is difficult to have to move back home with my mother with my three boys.
No one to discuss important issues .
Lack of support at home ,raising my boys.I got involved in church groups like Charismatic Prayer Group and Couples for Christ which helped though.

You can't go to out as you would like.We didn't go out very often but I missed the friend's family limes at Christmas,Carnival New Years.I went out at times but I often felt like a third wheel.It wasn't too bad in a group of singles though.
All in all we had both recently finished our Bachelor's and started working full time on our own and I was turned into a single parent.
Thank God for helping me through.



Jul 27th new
I had retired from teaching just a couple months before my husband passed away and my grandson was allowed to stay in Canada with his mother. I was used to much grandson watching so sort of a double whammy for me. Have my parents and mother-in-law and siblings close. I had to learn how to mow the yard and that first Fall raked over 100 bags of leaves. Mastered the mower but afraid to run the vacuum, chipper, mulcher machine. Had wonderful friends that met me for dinner occasionally. I also saw notice for the shawl ministry at church so joined it. The knitting kept me busy many evenings. I'm a homebody and always needed alone time so managed to cope. Still very lonesome at times but try to be thankful for all I've been blessed with and recall good memories of family trips through the years and conversations we had. Glad to not have to be on a schedule and deal with junior high students everyday. Carol

Jul 27th new
Hugs to you Marge-so admire you for raising all your kids single-handedly! You are a classy lady-I think you have a great sense of humor! Carol
Jul 29th new
I think the toughest thing has been the balancing act. I have had really demanding jobs where I have to be all things for all people and then come home to kids and a dog and house and have to still be on top of everything. There's no one to help juggle schedules, appointments, maintenance or repairs. It has been incredibly exhausting at times, leaving me with no time for just me. Now that the kids are older, it's more about budgeting to make ends meet. I'm starting to do the things I find fun (Sunday will be a Segway tour of the city's lakes) but there is always the pressure that I have tonget it all done.
Jul 30th new
Hi Linda,
I can only imagine having to figure out where to live on top of everything else. I think you need to pat yourself on the back. I know it wasn't easy - but, you did it!

I really miss someone to discuss the day to day happenings and the perspective that goes with that. Marge said it well - no one is in my corner.

The feeling of being alone is better than it was for a long time although I still get stuck some days. I belong to two prayer groups and have met some very nice people. My son does my electronic stuff long distance and I am actually becoming more techie. One night the air conditioning was off and I got up to turn it on. The thermostat was dead - the battery had run out. I had never changed the battery and had no clue. At midnight I looked it up on the computer - watched a video on you tube - took the batteries out of the remote and got the air conditioning going. All this has made me more creative!

Prayers for all of us.
Bernie
Jul 30th new
Hi, Bernie. Me too! I fixed my toilet when it was running by watching a video on YouTube. It's great that we have this resource now. It helps us be more self sufficient. But that's sure no substitute for a good marriage, is it?!. rose
Aug 3rd new
There are a list of things. But I suppose the hardest thing is the quiet.
I love listening to the crickets and the peacefulness of the day. I love the quiet peacefulness of church. But the house is too quiet. I grew up in a large family with lots of family, neighbors, friends around and then when we got married we had each other and dogs and such. And now it's just me. I can't get another dog because I am not home enough and it wouldn't be fair to them. So the T.V. has become my companion. I can have the T.V. on the computer and text all at the same time. It's kinda funny when I met my husband the T.V. wasn't a big deal to me. heart rose hug
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