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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Hello to everyone! This is my 1st post, so I'll keep it short and sweet. As an online dater for several years, I've learned to ask the important questions in the beginning 3-4 dates so as not to waste each other's time. With that said, recently I went on my 1st date from CM, where within the 1st 20-30mins of the date, I was asked, "how would you handle the finances in a marriage?" I've never been asked that question, but answered it to the best of my ability. He didn't like my answer and said, "You make it seem like a business relationship. You have to understand that in a marriage 2 become 1. My debts become yours and yours become mine."

As an independent healthcare professional, who is financially stable, I respectfully disagree. I do Not expect my future boyfriend/match/spouse to pay for my student loans/debts. Debts acquired prior to a marriage are the individual's issue. Debts acquired together in a marriage such as a mortgage, I can understand.

I felt like I had failed a job interview and had spoken to someone who either had nothing to lose OR had been given/handed many things in life without having to work for things. Any tips, pointers, suggestions would be appreciated. Big Thanks! :)
Aug 26th new
(quote) Natalie-778707 said: Hello to everyone! This is my 1st post, so I'll keep it short and sweet. As an online dater for several years, I've learned to ask the important questions in the beginning 3-4 dates so as not to waste each other's time. With that said, recently I went on my 1st date from CM, where within the 1st 20-30mins of the date, I was asked, "how would you handle the finances in a marriage?" I've never been asked that question, but answered it to the best of my ability. He didn't like my answer and said, "You make it seem like a business relationship. You have to understand that in a marriage 2 become 1. My debts become yours and yours become mine."

As an independent healthcare professional, who is financially stable, I respectfully disagree. I do Not expect my future boyfriend/match/spouse to pay for my student loans/debts. Debts acquired prior to a marriage are the individual's issue. Debts acquired together in a marriage such as a mortgage, I can understand.

I felt like I had failed a job interview and had spoken to someone who either had nothing to lose OR had been given/handed many things in life without having to work for things. Any tips, pointers, suggestions would be appreciated. Big Thanks! :)
Welcome to the forums, Natalie!

Well, he didn't like your answer, but you don't have to go out with him again!

In general, when people go to a first date with a list of questions, I think it might mean they are serious and marriage-minded and just want to cut to the chase, but this incident has a bad feeling to it. You didn't "fail a job interview"...you dodged a bullet. smile
Aug 26th new
I agree with Susan that you dodged a bullet. It sounds to me like he might have a lot of debt and was hoping someone would pay them off for him..
Aug 26th new
Yes, consider it a lucky escape!
Aug 26th new
I agree with the others. You dodged a bullet!!!!! :)
Aug 26th new
fugetaboutit. Sorry to say it.

On the other hand I had to go to Miami for work several times and WOW what a city it is! Good luck to you!
Aug 26th new
(quote) Natalie-778707 said: Hello to everyone! This is my 1st post, so I'll keep it short and sweet. As an online dater for several years, I've learned to ask the important questions in the beginning 3-4 dates so as not to waste each other's time. With that said, recently I went on my 1st date from CM, where within the 1st 20-30mins of the date, I was asked, "how would you handle the finances in a marriage?" I've never been asked that question, but answered it to the best of my ability. He didn't like my answer and said, "You make it seem like a business relationship. You have to understand that in a marriage 2 become 1. My debts become yours and yours become mine."

As an independent healthcare professional, who is financially stable, I respectfully disagree. I do Not expect my future boyfriend/match/spouse to pay for my student loans/debts. Debts acquired prior to a marriage are the individual's issue. Debts acquired together in a marriage such as a mortgage, I can understand.

I felt like I had failed a job interview and had spoken to someone who either had nothing to lose OR had been given/handed many things in life without having to work for things. Any tips, pointers, suggestions would be appreciated. Big Thanks! :)
I agree wholeheartedly with your response to his untimely financial question. He most likely has a large amount of debt and was hoping to meet someone who would agree to pay it off for him. Consider yourself lucky.
Aug 26th new
Welcome, Natalie!
While I strongly disagree with this fellow's notion that marital finances should be considered like that of a "business relationship", I also disagree with your premise that individual debts remain separate.

Let's suppose that you meet and marry a guy who is also financially stable. Each of you have debt, e.g. student loans, incurred prior to your wedding day. Then one day you lose your job. Is it prudent for your husband to sit back and say, "That's not my issue!", as your half of the financial house crumbles? I think not. Nor do I think separate bank accounts are a wise decision. Regardless of what you may have gained in your single-ness, marriage is an all or nothing proposition...for better or for worse...for richer or poorer. Well, that's how I feel, for what it's worth - ( Pun intended.) smile
Aug 26th new
Thank you to everyone for your posts and replies.

In response to Anthony. I can understand your point of view in a situation where 1 spouse loses their job. That makes logical and common sense to me.
Thank you :)
Aug 26th new
(quote) Natalie-778707 said: Hello to everyone! This is my 1st post, so I'll keep it short and sweet. As an online dater for several years, I've learned to ask the important questions in the beginning 3-4 dates so as not to waste each other's time. With that said, recently I went on my 1st date from CM, where within the 1st 20-30mins of the date, I was asked, "how would you handle the finances in a marriage?" I've never been asked that question, but answered it to the best of my ability. He didn't like my answer and said, "You make it seem like a business relationship. You have to understand that in a marriage 2 become 1. My debts become yours and yours become mine."

As an independent healthcare professional, who is financially stable, I respectfully disagree. I do Not expect my future boyfriend/match/spouse to pay for my student loans/debts. Debts acquired prior to a marriage are the individual's issue. Debts acquired together in a marriage such as a mortgage, I can understand.

I felt like I had failed a job interview and had spoken to someone who either had nothing to lose OR had been given/handed many things in life without having to work for things. Any tips, pointers, suggestions would be appreciated. Big Thanks! :)
As with the others, I agree you dodged a bullet. Whew!

Now, having said that, let me share with you how things worked in my first marriage to my deceased husband. We were both what you would call "late bloomers." I was 35 yrs old and he 36 yrs old when we met, 36 and 37 when we married. We both had careers, debt, and we thought we were really clever about how we would handle our finances. We decided on a "Yours, Mine, and Ours" approach. I had my own checking account to which my paycheck was deposited and he had his. We had a "house" account for marital bills. Well, you can see where that is all going. I left my job 6 months after we were married because I was working in a very emotionally toxic work environment (the company folded 6 months later and all the jobs went away then). I had to get out but that left me with no income until something else came along. Needless to say, we had to take the risk to combine our finances, and he took on the paying of most of our bills/debt. And guess what happened? We began to experience true unity in our marriage.

I think it's very wise to find out at some point early in a relationship how much debt a potential spouse has, how they are paying that debt off, and their general attitude about money, but it's really going to be up to the two of you to decide how much debt you are comfortable carrying, because you have to realize that in life nothing is certain, and so at some point you might be paying his debt or he yours. That's what marriage is truly about.
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