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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

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Hello Fellow CM Forum trollers (I of course, include myself in this designation! :) )

I suppose this topic may have come up and had some lively discussion already, but if so, I could not locate the proverbial needle in the haystack. If said needle exists, please kindly tie a small thread to it and pass the other end off to me, will you?

Here is my conundrum (did I spell that right?). Suppose you have been on CM (which, of course, you all are...), and found someone with which you are enjoying a lively converation. Then suppose, someone else messages you and you find that "Wow!", they also share some common interests with you, so you get a second discussion going. Now you have two potentials you are message juggling. Then one of your saved searches informs you that a new member has just joined and come up in your search matching lots of your criteria. Well, not wanting to leave a potential seed un-nurtured you go message them, and hit it off well also!

Wow, this is great, right? Three conversations with people you are really starting to like!

Now, I am curious as to the thoughts of all of you as to when you might want to tell two of those three that you need to take a break from the conversation because the last conversation is going so well that you think it's time to "Go Steady" with that CM member. And, having determined the right timing to do so, how would YOU like to be told that bad news? Ideally, one would like to not burn ones bridges behind oneself if the new "steady" relationship does not pan out.

Again, two questions for all of you...

1) When is that time to call off other conversations, or put them on hold? If you were conversing with me and we were having a great time, when would you tell me that you have to put our conversation on hold due to another?

and

2) How would you like to be told if you were on the receiving end of the bad news?

I am not in this situation yet, but I can see it on the horizon someday. Hard to say if I'll get to that horizon, but if/when I do, I'll hopefully have this all figured out!

Thanks in advance everyone for your great (I am sure they will be) answers.

Pax Christi,

Mark
Aug 27th 2014 new
This will tell you all you need to know: www.youtube.com.
Aug 27th 2014 new

Continue the blossoming friendships and conversations until there is greater clarity that only one of them is a Divinely inspired relationship and worth pursuing. After all, that is the beauty and impetus behind a chase and pure courtship. Treating the others' heart with the utmost care, leaving them in a place of readiness for a pure and holy marriage should we not be the 'One' for them (and vice versa).

As long as you converse without any leading suggestions as to your intentions, and are completely open and honest about where you are at in the journey, I would expect your character to be largely respected and well-received.

Also, on a practical and obvious level, who would want to be put 'on hold,' only to be come back to at a later time? I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to discern whether or not he or she is 'the one,' without stepping back and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in His own time and way. Hope this helps!

Aug 27th 2014 new
Welcome to the forums, Mark. wave

I'm a dinosaur from these parts and have gleened a lot of wisdom over the years, based from my own experiences with relationships with CM members and from being witness to countless others. So, I do think what I have to say on this matter carries some weight. (Of course, everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, and they are valuable ideas too.)

A relationship is not a relationship until you meet, and even then it might not be a relationship. (For this discussion, a "relationship" means a dating/romantic/courting endeavor.)

When I communicate with men on CM I assume that they are communicating with other women as well. The best course of action for a man is to diligently pursue the quest for his wife. If he is doing it one profile at a time it will be a long quest, quite possibly. I don't presume exclusivity until it has been established, and I would never agree to it until we have spent significant time together (there is so much to be said for being in each other's physical presence, which can't be assessed via Skype, chats, phone, etc.)

I also continue to communicate with men (even if I have my interest caught by one). There are a lot of wonderful men out there to get to know, and God brings people into our lives for many reasons. I've met some fantastic men from CM and most of them I've not dated. (Heck, some of them neither of us have ever been remotely interested in dating.) Getting to know people is part of the discernment process.

This approach is a heart- healthy approach. We need to be real about this, guard our hearts, and not build castles in the clouds. When I get to know several men as new friends I guard my heart from presuming exclusivity when there is none. I don't get caught up in a fantasy of "I'm going to marry this man" way too soon. And before I get all "girly" emotional about someone who has only sent me words (as lovely as they are) in an email and called me for a long chat, he has to compete with the rest of my world for my total attention. He shouldn't expect that and I shouldn't offer it until things are much more concrete.

The commitment comes after the risk. smile It's an adventure out there! I'm looking forward to getting back into it.

When do you tell someone you've met someone you want to date exclusively? After you have met that special someone and have agreed to be exclusive. Tell me that you've discerned that we make great friends and that we can continue to be friends. I'll take my cue from the way you (a man) leads. The way you communicate (language, pace, type and frequency of communication) shows me how you see our connection.

BTW, you can't put people on hold. If a man decides after he finds out the relationship with the woman he chose to pursue over me ends that he wants to resume getting to know me, he has his work cut out for him. Meaning, he is going to have to show me he has his attention now fixed on me. I've not ruled him completely out, but I would have to be wooed.

Hope that helps, Mark.
Aug 27th 2014 new
Agreed! clap
Aug 27th 2014 new
(quote) Mark-1027880 said: Hello Fellow CM Forum trollers (I of course, include myself in this designation! :) )

I suppose this topic may have come up and had some lively discussion already, but if so, I could not locate the proverbial needle in the haystack. If said needle exists, please kindly tie a small thread to it and pass the other end off to me, will you?

Here is my conundrum (did I spell that right?). Suppose you have been on CM (which, of course, you all are...), and found someone with which you are enjoying a lively converation. Then suppose, someone else messages you and you find that "Wow!", they also share some common interests with you, so you get a second discussion going. Now you have two potentials you are message juggling. Then one of your saved searches informs you that a new member has just joined and come up in your search matching lots of your criteria. Well, not wanting to leave a potential seed un-nurtured you go message them, and hit it off well also!

Wow, this is great, right? Three conversations with people you are really starting to like!

Now, I am curious as to the thoughts of all of you as to when you might want to tell two of those three that you need to take a break from the conversation because the last conversation is going so well that you think it's time to "Go Steady" with that CM member. And, having determined the right timing to do so, how would YOU like to be told that bad news? Ideally, one would like to not burn ones bridges behind oneself if the new "steady" relationship does not pan out.

Again, two questions for all of you...

1) When is that time to call off other conversations, or put them on hold? If you were conversing with me and we were having a great time, when would you tell me that you have to put our conversation on hold due to another?

and

2) How would you like to be told if you were on the receiving end of the bad news?

I am not in this situation yet, but I can see it on the horizon someday. Hard to say if I'll get to that horizon, but if/when I do, I'll hopefully have this all figured out!

Thanks in advance everyone for your great (I am sure they will be) answers.

Pax Christi,

Mark
I have not read the other responses, but I would say to keep all communication going until you have had a F2F (one or more times) with one or more of them and decide they are someone you want to be serious about going forward. Having said that, I would let them all know that you are chatting with a couple of other ladies to get to know them better. I really wouldn't consider going "steady" or exclusive until you have met in person. People can be vastly different in person than their on-line interaction implies. I say this from experience in that I know that I am slightly more open, funny, and articulate than I am in real life. In real life, I am somewhat guarded and shy at first.

Regarding F2F meetings, for the above reason I think unless your dates are truly horrible, as in you disagree on everything or in real life she looks like Nanny McPhee but her profile pic looked like Claudia Schiffer, you should have more than one date before deciding. As I said, I am a little more guarded and shy in person which might come across in a first date as boring or snobbish. However, I think that after the first date jitters dissipate, I can come across more like I do in my writing.
Aug 27th 2014 new
(quote) Kimberlie-1059215 said: I have not read the other responses, but I would say to keep all communication going until you have had a F2F (one or more times) with one or more of them and decide they are someone you want to be serious about going forward. Having said that, I would let them all know that you are chatting with a couple of other ladies to get to know them better. I really wouldn't consider going "steady" or exclusive until you have met in person. People can be vastly different in person than their on-line interaction implies. I say this from experience in that I know that I am slightly more open, funny, and articulate than I am in real life. In real life, I am somewhat guarded and shy at first.

Regarding F2F meetings, for the above reason I think unless your dates are truly horrible, as in you disagree on everything or in real life she looks like Nanny McPhee but her profile pic looked like Claudia Schiffer, you should have more than one date before deciding. As I said, I am a little more guarded and shy in person which might come across in a first date as boring or snobbish. However, I think that after the first date jitters dissipate, I can come across more like I do in my writing.
Kimberly, I completely agree. You said a lot of what I was trying to say, but more concisely.
Aug 27th 2014 new
Hi Mark! There will probably be various opinions, and if your answer to your own questions is different from the ladies you are engaging, there might very well be some hurt feelings when the reckoning happens.
My own approach is that it is ok to engage in multiple friendly online conversations at the same time, but if you start seeing more than one lady face-to-face, then it is time to really pick one and focus on her. My rule of thumb for myself is that I won't ask a lady to a second face-to-face date unless I'm ready to pause on my other pursuits.
I've also been on the other side. After seeing a lady who lived in a city a couple hours away for about a month, I had stopped pursuing all others. But then I found out that she wanted to keep seeing other guys and she wouldn't commit to only seeing me. I was rather hurt, and given the distance, it just wasn't worth it to keep it going.
Aug 27th 2014 new
(quote) Dawn-58330 said: Welcome to the forums, Mark.

I'm a dinosaur from these parts and have gleened a lot of wisdom over the years, based from my own experiences with relationships with CM members and from being witness to countless others. So, I do think what I have to say on this matter carries some weight. (Of course, everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, and they are valuable ideas too.)

A relationship is not a relationship until you meet, and even then it might not be a relationship. (For this discussion, a "relationship" means a dating/romantic/courting endeavor.)

When I communicate with men on CM I assume that they are communicating with other women as well. The best course of action for a man is to diligently pursue the quest for his wife. If he is doing it one profile at a time it will be a long quest, quite possibly. I don't presume exclusivity until it has been established, and I would never agree to it until we have spent significant time together (there is so much to be said for being in each other's physical presence, which can't be assessed via Skype, chats, phone, etc.)

I also continue to communicate with men (even if I have my interest caught by one). There are a lot of wonderful men out there to get to know, and God brings people into our lives for many reasons. I've met some fantastic men from CM and most of them I've not dated. (Heck, some of them neither of us have ever been remotely interested in dating.) Getting to know people is part of the discernment process.

This approach is a heart- healthy approach. We need to be real about this, guard our hearts, and not build castles in the clouds. When I get to know several men as new friends I guard my heart from presuming exclusivity when there is none. I don't get caught up in a fantasy of "I'm going to marry this man" way too soon. And before I get all "girly" emotional about someone who has only sent me words (as lovely as they are) in an email and called me for a long chat, he has to compete with the rest of my world for my total attention. He shouldn't expect that and I shouldn't offer it until things are much more concrete.

The commitment comes after the risk. It's an adventure out there! I'm looking forward to getting back into it.

When do you tell someone you've met someone you want to date exclusively? After you have met that special someone and have agreed to be exclusive. Tell me that you've discerned that we make great friends and that we can continue to be friends. I'll take my cue from the way you (a man) leads. The way you communicate (language, pace, type and frequency of communication) shows me how you see our connection.

BTW, you can't put people on hold. If a man decides after he finds out the relationship with the woman he chose to pursue over me ends that he wants to resume getting to know me, he has his work cut out for him. Meaning, he is going to have to show me he has his attention now fixed on me. I've not ruled him completely out, but I would have to be wooed.

Hope that helps, Mark.
There is so much sense and wisdom in what you have posted; your words should be in "CM Dating 101." Well done!
Aug 27th 2014 new
Haha, thanks Campbell! Pretty sure I had never heard that song until tonight. I'll give you a couple points for first reply and a couple more for creativity.
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