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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
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09/19/2012 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said: (Quote) Linda-624584 said: Hi John, Thank you for the kind w...
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:

Quote:
Linda-624584 said:

Hi John,

Thank you for the kind words, and acknowledging my grief. God bless you.


Your late husband's birthday has passed -- another year gone by. Does it get easier? Dare we even ask that question? The hurt remains -- what improves is our tolerance and will to go on. There is the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. We have to cling to that.

--hide--
It doesn't get easier, Ray. I think we will always have some sadness when "special" days occur. But you are correct in that our tolerance and will to go supersedes our grief. rose hug

09/19/2012 new
(Quote) Linda-624584 said: We all grieve in our own time and our own way. There are days when it seems as if it was just yesterday that my...
(Quote) Linda-624584 said:

We all grieve in our own time and our own way. There are days when it seems as if it was just yesterday that my husband passed, and then there are days when it seems like it was eons ago. One thing I know for sure though, you NEVER stop with the memories. I just try to get through the loneliness and pain. (four years since his passing)





Tomorrow is my husbands birthday, so I know it will be one of those days where the pain will overtake me. Truth is, I've felt the searing pain all week. In fact, the tears are flowing freely as I'm trying to write this.





--hide--


How long has he been gone?? I know my grief is different since it is from my child but yet there are some aspects of grief that are similar. I have been sad several days and as I look forward to Oct 7th which is my birthday and Nov 7th which was his I find myself thinking about him even more. I used to allow my son to choose how we spent my day so I am sure that is partly why. Plus the emotions of moving into my new home.....
09/19/2012 new

(Quote) Brenda-74660 said: How long has he been gone?? I know my grief is different since it is from my child but yet there...
(Quote) Brenda-74660 said:

How long has he been gone?? I know my grief is different since it is from my child but yet there are some aspects of grief that are similar. I have been sad several days and as I look forward to Oct 7th which is my birthday and Nov 7th which was his I find myself thinking about him even more. I used to allow my son to choose how we spent my day so I am sure that is partly why. Plus the emotions of moving into my new home.....
--hide--
Hi Brenda, As I stated in my post, it has been almost four years since Bob's passing. (Nov. 15th)

As far as your grief being different from my mine......you are correct, but, grief is still grief. I've heard it said that the loss of a child is probably one of the hardest things to endure. (as far as grief goes). I can understand that, as that is not the natural order of things. One would expect a parent to go before the child. I honestly cannot speak to the differences in the grief, as I have never had a child. I just know that grief is an awful process. Whether we are grieving the loss of a child, a parent, a friend, or a spouse, it all hurts!!!

I will continue to remember you and all these posters in my prayers. God bless. Praying rosary hug

09/19/2012 new
(Quote) Linda-624584 said: Hi Brenda, As I stated in my post, it has been almost four years since Bob's passing. (Nov. 15th) <...
(Quote) Linda-624584 said:

Hi Brenda, As I stated in my post, it has been almost four years since Bob's passing. (Nov. 15th)





As far as your grief being different from my mine......you are correct, but, grief is still grief. I've heard it said that the loss of a child is probably one of the hardest things to endure. (as far as grief goes). I can understand that, as that is not the natural order of things. One would expect a parent to go before the child. I honestly cannot speak to the differences in the grief, as I have never had a child. I just know that grief is an awful process. Whether we are grieving the loss of a child, a parent, a friend, or a spouse, it all hurts!!!





I will continue to remember you and all these posters in my prayers. God bless.

--hide--


Thanks Linda and my prayers are with those still processing grief as well. I have good days, sad days and in between days. This has been unlike anything I have ever dealt with. I choose to get up each morning and try my best to remember to be cheerful each new day....
09/19/2012 new

(Quote) Linda-624584 said: We all grieve in our own time and our own way. There are days when it seems as if it was just yes...
(Quote) Linda-624584 said:

We all grieve in our own time and our own way. There are days when it seems as if it was just yesterday that my husband passed, and then there are days when it seems like it was eons ago. One thing I know for sure though, you NEVER stop with the memories. I just try to get through the loneliness and pain. (four years since his passing)

Tomorrow is my husbands birthday, so I know it will be one of those days where the pain will overtake me. Truth is, I've felt the searing pain all week. In fact, the tears are flowing freely as I'm trying to write this.

--hide--


Hi, Linda.

I'm sorry I missed your post and hope you were able to get through your husband's birthday without too much heartache. Some days will just always be hard. Just having you here, on CM, willing to give your heart away to another man is testament to your husband's love for you. Grief will always be with us. Like an old worn out sweater you can't give away, it will wrap us up and keep us isolated on the worst days and give us reason to laugh and hang back in the closet on others. It's one of those things you have to walk through because there is no getting around it. Do you find yourself seeing him in other things? I'm just curious. I feel closest to my Bob when I see eagles. I have a friend who feels close to her sister when she sees dragonflies. Another senses her parents in the doves that hang around her back porch. I pray tour week is filled with happy thoughts, my friend. Take good care.

09/19/2012 new

Hi, Maria.

Welcome to the forums. You'll get a lot of encouragement and advice here. There are so many wonderful people that post you'll feel like you are home.

I agree that in some ways the second year is harder than the first. The grief is more settled, the loneliness more acute. Even though the pain is not as intense, acceptance doesn't ease our loss. Keep telling your story. That will help. After so many years together and sharing all those moments, it seems like the story of our life dies with them. I felt that way. Everything I was inside revolved around being a wife, his wife. So, once the first year is done, society expects that it is time to move on. Some days are certainly better. You made a big decision to move. That tells me you have courage and strength and a great deal of faith. All things that will come in handy as you forge a newer life for yourself. It isn't too late to look for a grief group. It is wonderful to spend time with others that understand what you are going through, and it allows you the opportunity to tell your story and get some much needed hugs.

May God bless you and keep you,

Kathy

09/19/2012 new

(Quote) Jerry-730726 said: Anne Marie, you are right. There is no real formula. After my Mom passed away over 6 years ago......
(Quote) Jerry-730726 said:

Anne Marie, you are right. There is no real formula. After my Mom passed away over 6 years ago....my Father was left pretty devastated. We as his children had to get him some medical help for his depression. Course he himself was terminal, partially deaf and blind; and had a bad heart. (the fifteen months he lived were probably the BEST fifteen I ever had with him) So one day I said to him: "You know Dad....for the first time in 62 years...you're single!" (I did this mostly to draw a reaction from him and to tease him about flirting with the ladies at the facilities where he lived. He wasn't flirting...he just was a big hit... being the complete gentleman he was.) He said, "Yeah....that's right. But I still love and think about Mom so much....I'll NEVER take this off." (pointing to his wedding band) I said..."I thought you'd say that Pop. Maybe...because she LIVES on in all of us (my brothers and sisters) that's all you need." He teared up then...and said, "Yeah....I don't know what I'd do without you kids." But....she lived on in him too...because I went to his "assisted living" facilities; and on several occasions found him saying his rosary alone. The first time I saw this....I said, "Dad, whatcha doing saying the rosary...by yourself?" (he would say it WITH my Mom but never alone when she was alive) He said, "Well, I'm picking up where your Mother left off." (my Mom said the rosary every day)

So, in retrospect I think he DEALT with the loneliness in his own way....and we became close...but mostly I think he prayed....and BELIEVED prayer.....and the presence of his family would get him by....(and the wedding band?.....yours truly has it!)

--hide--


Jerry,

This is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it. I think your dad wanted to be close to your mom and found a lovely way to accomplish that. They must have been a special couple!

09/20/2012 new

(Quote) Kathy-635104 said: Hi, Linda.I'm sorry I missed your post and hope you were able to get through ...
(Quote) Kathy-635104 said:



Hi, Linda.

I'm sorry I missed your post and hope you were able to get through your husband's birthday without too much heartache. Some days will just always be hard. Just having you here, on CM, willing to give your heart away to another man is testament to your husband's love for you. Grief will always be with us. Like an old worn out sweater you can't give away, it will wrap us up and keep us isolated on the worst days and give us reason to laugh and hang back in the closet on others. It's one of those things you have to walk through because there is no getting around it. Do you find yourself seeing him in other things? I'm just curious. I feel closest to my Bob when I see eagles. I have a friend who feels close to her sister when she sees dragonflies. Another senses her parents in the doves that hang around her back porch. I pray tour week is filled with happy thoughts, my friend. Take good care.

--hide--
Hi Kathy, wave

Thanks for your kind words. I was able to get through the day without so much heartache as I had experienced in previous years. I was telling a friend that in years past, starting about a month before Bob's birthday, our anniversary, or any significant date with meaning, I would experience an off feeling. I knew there was something wrong, or not quite right with my internal feelings, but couldn't place what it was. Eventually, maybe a week or so before the significant date, I would realize what was coming up. And then it all made sense to me. So of course I would spend the next week in such pain and agony. I would wrap myself up in the pain of missing Bob, and the memories.

I can say that this year was different for me. I didn't have the "off feeling" for a month prior to his birthday. My sadness and loneliness actually took hold of me on Saturday. (two days before his birthday) I consider this progress, or acceptance, if you will. You never forget, but you learn to keep it compartmentalized. It's kind of like that "old worn out sweater" you were talking about......I wouldn't wear the sweater everyday, but there are those days when you need to feel the comfort of something so familiar and soothing.

As far as your question about seeing Bob in other things.....Yes, I always think of Bob when I see a deer cross my path. He was an avid hunter. In fact a month and a half before he passed, he wanted to go bow hunting one last time, up in northern Mich. (opening day, Oct. 1st.) I made sure that became a reality for him. His next goal was to go rifle hunting one last time. This was not to be, as he passed away on opening day of deer rifle season. (Nov.15th) So I guess it makes sense to think of him when I come across a deer. biggrin

Once again, Kathy, thank you for your kind thoughts. God bless you, my friend. hug

09/20/2012 new

(Quote) Maria-846262 said: Richard, I agree with you that each person grieves at their own pace. "Everyone" told m...
(Quote) Maria-846262 said:

Richard, I agree with you that each person grieves at their own pace. "Everyone" told me when my husband died 2 years ago, about the stages of grief and that I pretty much should give myself a year to go the process and to do nothing extraordinary, nor make any rash decisions. Well, all this sounded like good advice for the most part, and I decided not to do much except to take each day at a time and go with the flow of how I felt. I certainly didn't feel like I got "over" my husband's passing within that frame of time. In fact, I have found the second year a lot harder to bear. I did move earlier this year from Denver to Fort Collins, to be closer to my son and my grandchildren, and, inasmuch as I love them very much, I am glad I moved closer, however, it brought me no special relief from thinking of my husband and missing him terribly. We spent 37 years together, the first two getting to know each other and dating. Ultimately, we got married and spent 35 years together as a married couple. There is a lot that you share with one person in all those years - a lot of bonding, love and just plain sharing a life that I don't think you quite get over it ever, let alone in a year or two. I loved him a lot, he was a terrific person, husband, father and friend and I miss his companionship. He was born in Colorado and we enjoyed all the outdoor activities that this beautiful state has to offer and I find everyday grieving a little bit the loss of him.


I must add, that I have not made the best of having moved to Fort Collins yet. I don't miss my house in Denver as much, but miss my neighborhood, the stores I frequented, my friends, my neighbors, etc., and this has made it all a little more difficult. I have been reluctant to go out and meet any people. I worked for many years and had a very active life as a professional in my job, as well as a mother and wife, and yet I had felt like not doing very much now. I know I must get out and "get connected" to people again, but I have found it very difficult to do. And, I feel lonely and need the companionship of people and a man. Still grieving.

--hide--
Hi Maria, wave

Welcome to CM, and the room where we can pour our hearts out, without being judged. Each person here has experienced a loss of some sort, whether that be a spouse, a friend, a child, a parent, and some a pet. It's all painful. No getting around that. The thing is, we shouldn't hold ourselves up to a certain time frame, or certain stages of grieving. We are all unique individuals, with unique circumstances in "OUR" grief. And yes, It is "OUR" grief, as no one else has lived our live with the person we are grieving over.

I will say, don't beat yourself up with time frames, or trying to conform to what "society" says is acceptable when it comes to grief. It's your journey.........

God bless you. I will remember you in my prayers. hug Praying rosary

09/20/2012 new

(Quote) Jerry-730726 said: Anne Marie, you are right. There is no real formula. After my Mom passed away over 6 years ago......
(Quote) Jerry-730726 said:

Anne Marie, you are right. There is no real formula. After my Mom passed away over 6 years ago....my Father was left pretty devastated. We as his children had to get him some medical help for his depression. Course he himself was terminal, partially deaf and blind; and had a bad heart. (the fifteen months he lived were probably the BEST fifteen I ever had with him) So one day I said to him: "You know Dad....for the first time in 62 years...you're single!" (I did this mostly to draw a reaction from him and to tease him about flirting with the ladies at the facilities where he lived. He wasn't flirting...he just was a big hit... being the complete gentleman he was.) He said, "Yeah....that's right. But I still love and think about Mom so much....I'll NEVER take this off." (pointing to his wedding band) I said..."I thought you'd say that Pop. Maybe...because she LIVES on in all of us (my brothers and sisters) that's all you need." He teared up then...and said, "Yeah....I don't know what I'd do without you kids." But....she lived on in him too...because I went to his "assisted living" facilities; and on several occasions found him saying his rosary alone. The first time I saw this....I said, "Dad, whatcha doing saying the rosary...by yourself?" (he would say it WITH my Mom but never alone when she was alive) He said, "Well, I'm picking up where your Mother left off." (my Mom said the rosary every day)

So, in retrospect I think he DEALT with the loneliness in his own way....and we became close...but mostly I think he prayed....and BELIEVED prayer.....and the presence of his family would get him by....(and the wedding band?.....yours truly has it!)

--hide--
Hi Jerry, wave

This is a perfect example of how one processes grief. For your dad, it was praying the Rosary. (kind of like a remembrance to your mom) I'm sure he felt very close to her when praying the Rosary. His keeping the wedding band on was just another bond between them that couldn't be broken. (even in death) His children were also a bond, or connection to your beloved mother. Sounds like he was a very blessed and loved man.

P.S. I bet your mom and dad are now praying the Rosary together again. I would also bet that they include their wonderful children in that Rosary. They are now resting in Our Lords arms and looking down on their family and saying....we did good!!!!

God bless you and yours, Jerry. Praying rosary hug

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