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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

07/16/2012 new

With all that, I would guess it would take about 5 years or so. That seems to be a magic number for healing...but even at that you have to work at it. Try forgiveness...it's the most healing thing you can do for yourself.

07/16/2012 new

Hi Laura,

I just read through the all the posts and your profile. It looks like you have a great bunch of kids.

From my experience all the advice the ladies gave you was very good. Praying for your husband will do a lot of good. If you can’t bring yourself to that point, pray that you will get to that point. He may not deserve to be forgiven and he may not even be remorseful, but we are called to forgive. The forgiveness is for your benefit. Until you forgive it will eat at you and that just holds you back from moving on and gives him control over you.

The support groups would be very good to attend. Professional counseling would also be helpful. The longer you try to do it alone the longer this will drag you down. Reaching out to the CM Community is a great step.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Joe

07/16/2012 new

A year doesn't seem like a long enough time to forget something like that. You're probably still going through the divorce, or just finished with it. It's been three years since I've been separated. I've found that forgiving your ex (and possibly his relatives) is not just a one time deal. I don't think about it very much anymore, but sometimes I find myself having hard feelings, and then I have to forgive all over again. It took a while for me to get to that point. I had to pray for the grace to be able to forgive him. Marriage is a big deal, and when someone does not take it seriously, if feels like you've been betrayed, as, indeed, you have been. It helps me to remember that God still loves my ex and his family and wants very much for them to get to heaven.

07/16/2012 new

(Quote) Laura-824866 said: It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 year...
(Quote) Laura-824866 said:

It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope

--hide--


for your own sake and your kids' sake, forgive him, forgive yourself, and accept the situation.


resentment is taking poison and waiting for the other person to sicken and die.


take time to look very closely at your own conduct during the marriage. see what role your actions played in causing its end. then work on removing those defects of character. you can't do anything about him, but you can change yourself.


don't give him thqat much power over you. living well is the best revenge.

07/16/2012 new

DON'T interfere with his vistation - even if he gets a girlfriend or lives with her.


DON'T try to turn the kids against him.


DON'T speak ill of him to the kids.


Keep your side of the street clean. Do what's right.


Do everything in your power to avoid resentment. Why carry that rock around?

07/16/2012 new

(Quote) Joe-867355 said: From my experience all the advice the ladies gave you was very good. Praying for your husband will ...
(Quote) Joe-867355 said:

From my experience all the advice the ladies gave you was very good. Praying for your husband will do a lot of good. If you can’t bring yourself to that point, pray that you will get to that point.

--hide--


right! when you do pray for him, keep it open ended. ask God to bless him and help him but DON'T tell God how to do that or prescribe in your prayers what you think is best for your ex. pray sincerely for all that is best and right for him. it might gall yoiu at first but eventually it helps you get to a better place. it took me a long while to do this, but when i did, it helped immensely.

07/16/2012 new
(Quote) David-364112 said: DON'T interfere with his vistation - even if he gets a girlfriend or lives with her. D...
(Quote) David-364112 said:

DON'T interfere with his vistation - even if he gets a girlfriend or lives with her.




DON'T try to turn the kids against him.




DON'T speak ill of him to the kids.




Keep your side of the street clean. Do what's right.




Do everything in your power to avoid resentment. Why carry that rock around?

--hide--


This is great advice. I tried to do exactly this ..well I might have felt "some" resentment inside but I kept that away from the kids. They grew up; the girls have a closer relationship with their dad than my son does..but they all still interact and do love their father. And the miracle of it all? Their father finally changed himself, mostly.

I was a stronger woman than I gave myself credit for all these years ...and now everything is so much better for everyone. theheart
07/16/2012 new

(Quote) Laurie-770331 said: This is great advice. I tried to do exactly this ..well I might have felt "some" rese...
(Quote) Laurie-770331 said:

This is great advice. I tried to do exactly this ..well I might have felt "some" resentment inside but I kept that away from the kids. They grew up; the girls have a closer relationship with their dad than my son does..but they all still interact and do love their father. And the miracle of it all? Their father finally changed himself, mostly.

I was a stronger woman than I gave myself credit for all these years ...and now everything is so much better for everyone.
--hide--


heart good job. seriously. everyone is better off that way.


the more we work on ourselves, the better everyone around us seems to become.

07/16/2012 new
(Quote) David-364112 said: good job. seriously. everyone is better off that way. the more we w...
(Quote) David-364112 said:




good job. seriously. everyone is better off that way.




the more we work on ourselves, the better everyone around us seems to become.

--hide--


Exactly!
07/17/2012 new

(Quote) Laura-824866 said: It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 year...
(Quote) Laura-824866 said:

It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope

--hide--


Time. That is the best I can tell you, and probably not what you want to hear. Praying is good, but there has been several good pieces advice here. I could say, do this, don't do this, etc. That has been said to a large extent.

I can tell you the absolute most beautiful gift that my parents gave me was silence. Along the lines of, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" silence. They both had plenty of reasons to be angry with the other person, but they agreed that it had nothing to do with me. They didn't say anything ugly or mean; there was no guilt that I loved the other parent; there was not even any guilt when I learned to love stepparents. How lucky was I to have such great parents?!??!?!?!

Sending prayers and love your way. You have some rough road ahead. Don't hesitate to ask for help!

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