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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

08/31/2012 new
27 total years for me as she found greener grass elsewhere. All i know is time. The amount i am sure is different for each of us. Time and prayer.
08/31/2012 new

the loathing stops when we let go of it. this feelig is like a set of bagpipes. hold it close, squeeze it, breath into it and it'll screech. put it down and walk away. it's the only way. you have a life to live. god loves you. learn from the past but drop the rock of resentment and bitterness. it took me way too long to learn this. but my life changed fo rthe better when i finally did. so did the lives of everyone around me.

09/01/2012 new

30 years after I decided to divorce my husband, he made it clear at our daughter's wedding that he despised me. My reaction? Calm awareness and gratitude that he had just demonstrated the validity of why I left the marriage at an event where I might otherwise have questioned it. I was happy to fine I was over his stuff and I didn't care about his displays.

So, on the basis of my ex's behavior, unless you work on it your feelings can last the rest of your life. I guess the question is whether you want that for YOU. It will get to the point where he's going to write off your reaction and the only one living with it will be you. On the other hand, since I chose to end my marriage I obviously had feeings about how he beheaved, especially towards our daughter and in the early years I had to manage my own feelings. The early years are rough. It can continue to be rough for a long time when the ex does whatever it was that killed the marriage. When he mistreated our daughter's feelings I had tremendous problems to keep my cool and manage my own loathing. I had to learn in divorce that he would do the same things, continue to be self-absorbed towards her, inconsiderate of feelings, that I could not change him -- and he was still in my life and hers. My task was to figure out the practical question of what I needed to do to to be effective and sane with this guy's behavior so I didn't recreate my marriage in my divorce. Over time, I focused on how I would deal with issues as constructively as I could in the context of how he did things. I had to let go of resentment of needing to work so hard with him and the desire to prove (mostly to myself) 'what a jerk he was'. In many respects I wound up writing him off because he withheld peace, but I largely moved on and I think that's part of what he loathes about me.

So finding myself on the other side of this one after decades, I perceive continued loathing as being about a number of things. For him, I think it's about his personality. Forgiveness and grace were always problems for him. It is also about power. He withheld peace as a means of control. He didn't move on as an attempt to control and to show he was hurt. He sees himself as a victim and uses nasty displays because he feels entitled to do it. It is also a form of ineffective communication about how he feels. I would care about his pain if he could express it in a form we could engage but he doesn't. That's a huge part of why we're divorced and it isn't going to change.

I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you but it takes time. Forgiveness is only part of it, there are practical skills to learn so you cope better. Finally, there's a need for honest self-examination so we can change the things we need to change about ourselves. God be with you as you grow.

09/12/2012 new
(Quote) Laura-824866 said: It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together &am...
(Quote) Laura-824866 said:

It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope

--hide--
Absolutely, forgive him and your suffering stops instantly.
09/13/2012 new
I agree. Forgive him and let it go. Do not give him the power to make you feel like this. Lean on HIM and the rest will fall into place.
12/12/2012 new
It took me about 3 years until I felt I had completely forgiven my ex. It was a very unhealthy and emotionally abusive marriage. I reallozed that I had truly forgiven when he was diagnosed with a terminal deseise and I took hike back into my home for hospice. He had no other family around and God told me that I should take care of him. Doctors said he would live about 3 weeks.....it has been almost 2 years. He is back in his own apartment but I cook for him every night and make sure he gets to his chemo treatments. I realize thatbI couldn't do any of this without God helping me to forgive.
12/13/2012 new

(Quote) Laura-824866 said: It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 year...
(Quote) Laura-824866 said:

It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope

--hide--

These are thoughts that have helped me, Laura, and God bless you! I will pray for you and I am sorry for your pain.



If one considers the Eternity of a soul turned away from God's grace and love, it is truly frightening. Each mortal sin, a good priest told me, makes another hole in the soul until it becomes as swiss cheese. Eventually the soul, intellect and emotions are so fogged up that truly one doesn't think clearly. A person in that situation is to be pitied; what if he doesn't find his way out in time? Thinking of him facing God for an accounting and contemplating the horror of even one hour in hell, let alone an eternity can be, for me, a strong motivator to always pray for him. God still loves him and won't quit pursuing him until the Last Moment has passed. As a mother prays for a wayward child, perhaps we can pray for a wayward person who has hurt us and, justifiably so, angered us with horrible behavior. The anger comes from the extreme pain and the injustice but empathy as to the reality of his spiritual situation seems to help with that.

Christ, of course, understood the fog of sin/lack of grace and so He said, 'They know not what they do'. How sad and, hopefully, we will always 'know what we do' by remaining in a State of Grace so we can think and act clearly.


Again, God bless you....



12/13/2012 new

I have never stopped loathing my ex-husband for the difficuty he caused in our relationship and his selfishness, especially to stray right in front of me, and his abuse, he stilll thinks he is not in the wrong that he is perfect, siple convenient encounters make it even worse, it inundates my angelic spirit and my whole chi for the day is under assault.Not to mention it depresses me even more that he thinks he is worthy of a perfect woman physically when he is just a prickly pear! See what it does...

12/13/2012 new

Everyone goes about healing differently and on their own time frame -- I was 'happily married' for 21 years with 6 children ages 20, 18, 14, 12, 6, 3 when I had to face up to the emotional abuse of my ex and get out, taking my children with me to protect them. As long as I worried about who did what, who was more right or wrong, who hurt who, trying to get him to own up to his lies and man up to quit cheating, lying, hiding the truth, I couldn't move on.


I had to quit caring about all that and start living my new live, as a single parent struggling to do it all and make ends meet, happily and with the purpose of finding the joy in each day and trusting that God would strengthen me and guide me and have my back, as my ex never did, and the loathing receded.


I still hate how ex has ruined some things -- like I grew up going to our local Messiah each Advent but now he solos and is the director of it and I just can't enjoy it so don't go, things like that -- but over all, when I see his face prominently displayed in the local newspaper for some reason (he teaches music, leads a choir, etc) it doesn't make me feel like getting out the black permanent marker and scribbling on it anymore ;)


The prayer that works for me is: "Bless them, and change me." I ask to be changed so that my heart doesn't hurt, my pride doesn't need to prove I was right, I am able to see him as an imperfect human with flaws that do not reflect upon me. I ask to be able to forgive and forget, even as I know I would never welcome him back as Jesus would welcome a repentant sinner -- I don't think God asks that of many of us. But I do pray to be changed into a better person as God would have me, and I ask him to be blessed in whatever way God knows he needs blessed to be as God wants him too.

12/13/2012 new
(Quote) Laura-824866 said: It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together &am...
(Quote) Laura-824866 said:

It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope

--hide--
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