This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.
Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
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It has been a year since he decided I wasn't making him a priority in life & that 16 years together & 5 young kids weren't worth trying to fight for. I still can't tolerate him...don't want to talk to him or look at him. I communicate through emails & text. I constantly pray to give me the strength to move beyond this point, to find peace...& some days I think I have reached that point, or close to it. But then he comes to pick up the kids, drop something off & that feeling of pure disgust comes flooding back in. I know it isn't healthy & I know that even though I try my hardest to always talk good (or at least not negatively) about their dad, that I have to be sending off vibes. I tried to explain that we use to be best friends but that mom couldn't be dad's friend right now, that with time things might be different. But will it? Will I ever move past this point of loathing him? Someone give me hope
I hate it when my post, doesn,t so i'll try 2 remember what i wrote the first time. My story is very similar 2 urs. same number of children/yrs of marriage, but i never loathed him. i feel a deep sorrow bcuz i know one day he'll wake up and take responsibility and see it for what it was. That realization will b catastrophic and i wouldnmt wish that on my worst enemy. There will be nothing he can do but mourn. As for me, i, like Alice thot i'd drown in my tears. Then one morning I woke up and decided it was what it was and there was nothing I could do but move on. Success is the best revenge. i found things i hadn't been able 2 do & threw myself into them. in the process i made wonderful friends who reminded me that i am still an awesome person. don't think about him. find yourself and be happy.
Here are a few things I've found that might help.
Friends and family members may think they're helping by "bashing" him when you're around; however, this seems to be a self-perpetuating negative cycle. You get so hung up on all the bad things that you end up thinking about this all the time. Explain this, and most people will at least tone it down for you and it will help.
Make sure you're not inadvertently blaming yourself. "If I had just..." You will have to learn to spot the start of these thought processes and stop them. Find yourself again. What makes you unique, special? This is a hard thing to do, but will improve your life greatly.
Accept that this is a grief process. That means there's really not a timeline. It is exceedingly hard to balance this idea with societal expectations. Someone at work was trying to set me up on a date with a really wonderful man (we are friends now) only a few months after my ex-husband left and filed for divorce. (Why? Because he's the only single Catholic man in town around my age, apparently. This is a really small town.) It threw me for a curve ball, and I literally panicked and couldn't even talk to him for a while even though he had nothing to do with the attempted setup. I literally started stuttering around him, embarassing when you're nearly thirty. Now I laugh at myself - there was no way I was ready to even consider the possibility that it was not a valid marriage, that I am reasonably young, and that - gasp here - perhaps this whole mess was actually not entirely my fault. I was still blaming myself for everything from the day I went on the first date with my ex-husband, trying to pick through the wreckage, and it showed.
I hope something here helps. I will offer some prayers for you this evening.
Very wise advice Katherine. The "what if I had only...." thought process does take a while to break away from. And yes, the bashing is not helpful. I agree that it is very much a greiving process, and that it will take some time to heal. Forgiveness is the key.
Oh wow. That makes me really sad. I will never understand how anyone, man or woman, can just decide that the committment is not worth upholding, or that those vows just suddenly meant nothing. Something similar with a twist of sheer evil got into my ex. He dropped me and my 2 children like little hot cakes, but not until after he had done extensive damage to our well being. I almost wish he had decded we were too much trouble sooner cause we would have suffered less.
As to whether the resentment and disgust goes away, well, mine did but mostly cause I realized how lucky I was to still be here.
But, at first it was really hard. I was really, really confused about what all had happened, and I was also really sad and really angry.
I guess the best answer as to how that got better was what I say often: "Look up, just look up". What I mean by that is that if you focus your eyes, heart amd mind on Him - meaning as much as you can have Bible verses posted around the house, Catholic books to read in the car, short things you can read on the go with kids at home...focusing that attention on Him takes your eyes away from the bad that has occurred, and focuses your attention on something beautiful and wonderful. Once you do that, it's almost like those harmful emotions will just start to fall away.
That's how it worked for me. And it still works even though we are currently having some pretty serious legal issues. Bottom line is that he is a frightening, cruel person, and he wants to keep hurting us financially, mentally, emotionally, and frankly I think we could add physically if he was allowed anywhere near me and thought for a minute he could get away with it.
I used to be scared all the time. And angry and upset and on and on... I was really seething with a bunch of nasty emotions there for a while. There was something really bad he did this past July that, well, it was just hard on me and I won't go into it here. But, a friend told me to try going to Adoration. I tried it. First one hour per week, then two. Maybe you could have a friend watch your little ones just for an hour a week so you could go. It really will help. Once you spend one solid hour focusing on Him, it is amazing how much easier it is to focus another hour at home, time reading...you just change your mental and emotional focus, and then mostly what you see and feel is Him, because there is no longer much room for anything else.
And, I am sure you probably already do this, but almost always have on my special crucifix, so that is a very tactile reminder, and pictures of Jesus and Mary scattered around here and there...most rooms in my house have some visual reminder of our Family, so even when my mind wanders to the fear, those visual reminders bring me back to focus on Him.
Before dinner, my kids have a very short prayer or blessing, and many days after dinner we have a 10 minute Advent time, where we read the lesson for the day, so that is an auditory reminder. Occasionally I listen to some Christian music and that too is an auditory cue to keep my focus on Him.
Also, I stopped fighting the emotions and let them out. I can't say I let them out in the best ways - sometimes, I said a few thing about what happened to people I shouldn't have. Or I got really mad at a few people - like told them off mad - when it was probably my way of letting that anger out with someone I knew was safe (and luckily still talks to me after all that :).
I can really honestly say that within a very relatively short period of time - from the end of July til now - since I started all of that
that I have been feeling much, much better. And, trust me, I was/am recovering from the quick dump of me and my kids and some pretty heavy other stuff. If I can feel this much better this soon by making Him a priority and focus for me and my kids, I know you can too, and I know God will help you do this in way less than five years. You just have to really let go (which is super hard) and trust Him. :)
And, next time you have to see you ex, remember your focus is never on him - your focus is on HIM. So when you see your ex, you are almost looking past or through him and seeing Christ. It will help you to be more civil without it feeling like it hurts or that you are resentful. Hang in there and I will be praying for you! :)
I wish you the best, Kathleen
The loathing should never even begin. Yeah, I know, easy to say, particularly for one who has not only never been there, nor even ever been married, but it doesn't make the statement wrong.
To loathe is to give in to satan. He is hate, God is love. Try to take a different view of your situation. You have an excellent opportunity to grow in charity and holiness. In your situation hate is the easy option, but one which makes satan jump for joy. However, it offends God greatly. God will never allow you or anyone a trial, a suffering, or a hardship which he or she cannot endure in the way in which it would be beneficial to the persons soul. In these times such as yours, which are exceedingly difficult, made even more so by having 5 children, not merely one, what one needs to do is seek help from the Lord through prayer and perhaps through talking to a holy priest to help you look positively upon your situation in a way which is focused more on spiritual growth rather than a spiritual standstill, or maybe even reversal.
Many people ask themselves, why does God allow evil. He does that to draw a greater good out of it. What has happened to you is a kind of evil, but God has allowed it because out of it a greater is is just waiting to be drawn. What that is is impossible to say, but, life does not come with guarantees. Out of your marriage you have been gifted with 5 children. That is beautiful, simply beautiful. Try to focus on the positive things in your life, like, God is with you, just waiting for you to ask Him for help. Our Lady too. Your Guardian angel never leaves your side, talk to him as though you have a friend physically by your side, out loud when you are on your own. Perhaps more time spent in prayer will help you to find a little more peace too. If you surrender to the emotions of hate, things can only get worse, of that there is no doubt. Forgiveness is not an option, it is a must!!! A must for your own recovery, and a must for your salvation. We each of us have offended God far more than any human can offend us, yet, He forgave and continues to forgive us, knowing that we will offend Him again, and again.
Is it possible, is it remotely possible, that he regrets what he did? That he wishes he could put things right, and get back together with you? Is that even minutely possible???
I had a friend many years ago. She had been with her husband for many years. Four kids, eldest 18, youngest 2. He than had an affair with his eldest daughters best friend, they parted ways, and she eventually married a friend who had never been married. She then realised with this new man just what a good and happy marriage really is and should be. But for this to have become possible, she had to get passed the tragedy of a broken marriage.
If you believe in God, than you will know how much He loves you, and desires to help you. Turn to Him, don't shut Him out. Let Him guide you. He will not steer you wrong. God is Love, Mercy, Charity, Forgiveness and Hope. With God all is possible, with Him Hope is ETERNAL.
Your post is 6 months old. I hope things have already improved immeasurably since than. God bless you.
You are just not ready to get over your dislike...yet! Have faith--It took you 16+ years to build the relationship with your ex--so only 1 year to re-examine those feelings is such a small amount of time. I had the same feelings when I saw my ex right after he left. I think you are doing the right thing by communicating by email and text. It is an easy way to give yourself space. Hang in there, it does get easier.
I wish you the best, Kathleen
This is very wise advice. Alone we can do nothing, but if we ask God, it will happen - as long as we're willing to cooperate in the process.
Instead of being angry with my ex, I internalized the anger. I hated myself and set about to drink myself to death. I lived in a one room apartment hundreds of miles away, kept the drapes shut and drank every night. Made no friends in that city. Didn't know a soul after 5 years there. One beautiful fall afternoon a day after my 45th brithday, I was walking in the park and thinking how lovely it was. This was the first time in years I had thought anything like that. Then I heard this beautiful voice say "my dear child, you don't have to live like this any more." Two days later my journey in recovery began. That led me to a deep interior conversion. I was told to pray for her every day - nothing specific but rather to pray for all that's best and right for her. SoI did. She and I get along well now. We keep a respectful distance, but we get along.
God is good. God wants us to be happy. God desperately wants us to accept his love and mercy.