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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

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My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first marriage on my side of the family since my late wife and I were married. However, the wedding is on the same day as the anniversary of my wife’s death. Based on previous anniversaries, I will probably be a gloomy person to be around. It’s a big day for the young couple and I don’t want to detract from it. I could use some suggestions for how to put on a cheerful face at the wedding.

07/07/2012 new
(Quote) John-847566 said: My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first marriage on my s...
(Quote) John-847566 said:

My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first marriage on my side of the family since my late wife and I were married. However, the wedding is on the same day as the anniversary of my wife’s death. Based on previous anniversaries, I will probably be a gloomy person to be around. It’s a big day for the young couple and I don’t want to detract from it. I could use some suggestions for how to put on a cheerful face at the wedding.

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I will say some prayers for you that you are able to go to this event & be happy for the couple. Perhaps the distraction will be a good thing that day. Ask a trusted friend to go with you & sit with you during the day so that they can help remind you why you are there to help celebrate the marriage.

Last July I went to my Nephews wedding a month after my son passed away. And while some did choose to offer condolences to me I would remind them we were there to celebrate a happy day for my nephew. It took an effort on my part to keep reminding others the day was not about me.... biggrin biggrin Praying
07/07/2012 new

Praying theheart

07/08/2012 new

(Quote) John-847566 said: My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first mar...
(Quote) John-847566 said:

My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first marriage on my side of the family since my late wife and I were married. However, the wedding is on the same day as the anniversary of my wife’s death. Based on previous anniversaries, I will probably be a gloomy person to be around. It’s a big day for the young couple and I don’t want to detract from it. I could use some suggestions for how to put on a cheerful face at the wedding.

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Hi John, I've never been married, but like Brenda, I have a son that died. It's been 7 years, and I sometimes still get sad and moody around holidays and the anniversary of his death. I think that's okay. When I start to feel that way, I spend some time thinking about him and letting myself be sad, then it's easier to go on to happier times. He died right after Easter, and the church was full of Easter lilies, so I still cry at Mass when the lilies are on the altar. People understand. If you feel sad at the wedding, and someone asks what's wrong, just tell them you're sad that it's the anniversary of your wife's death, but glad that the date will be a happy one now, too.

My son died a week before my niece was going to turn one. My brother, who lives in N.C., had a step-grandson, who was also turning one in a month or so. Because my one brother's family had flown in from N.C. for my son's funeral and my other brother's family drove two hours, and had to drive home the next day, we ended up having an impromptu birthday party for my niece when we returned to the house after my son's funeral. I say "we" even though I didn't participate much. They were talking about going somewhere else to do the party, but wanted to stay with me and my daughter, too, so I just told them to go ahead and have it at my house. It was weird, but my daughter (who was 12 at the time) was pleased to have the two babies to play with, and it helped everyone see that life does go on and life is still good... even though it's different now. To this day, my mom remembers that April 2nd and April 9th are a death and a birthday, but she has to look up which is which.

God bless you, John! I'll keep you and this anniversary/wedding in my prayers!

07/08/2012 new
(Quote) John-847566 said: My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first marriage on my s...
(Quote) John-847566 said:

My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first marriage on my side of the family since my late wife and I were married. However, the wedding is on the same day as the anniversary of my wife’s death. Based on previous anniversaries, I will probably be a gloomy person to be around. It’s a big day for the young couple and I don’t want to detract from it. I could use some suggestions for how to put on a cheerful face at the wedding.

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Will pray for you. I know how difficult it gets during special occasions and anniversaries. Just think how happy your niece is and take comfort in that. I still get sad when I am around family because they are a constant reminder that I am missing my husband, but I take joy in being with them and distract myself by engaging in conversations and reveling in having them to remind me of the joys of life.

Praying hug
07/08/2012 new

(Quote) John-847566 said: My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first mar...
(Quote) John-847566 said:

My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first marriage on my side of the family since my late wife and I were married. However, the wedding is on the same day as the anniversary of my wife’s death. Based on previous anniversaries, I will probably be a gloomy person to be around. It’s a big day for the young couple and I don’t want to detract from it. I could use some suggestions for how to put on a cheerful face at the wedding.

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First of all, welcome to the CM forums. It's a good place to be when you have questions, concerns, or just want to have some fun. There is an excellent group of people here -- a good place to find friends and have them get to know you.

Your first post is profound, and I'm not sure there's a good one-size-fits-all answer. Each person has his/her own feelings, including those related to grieving. Certain anniversary dates can trigger a boatload of emotions.

You probably don't know yourself how you will react, so I would encourage you to participate in the ceremony and festivities to the extent possible. You may surprisingly find the event a pleasant and positive experience. You can try to divert your attention from your loss to your niece on one of the happiest days she'll ever know. If you find yourself overwhelmed with gloomy feelings, you can leave if they are too much to bear. This is a one-time event for your niece, and if you don't attend you won't have another chance at it. If you're quiet and reticent, you can explain the reason for it. Try to summon up all of your happy thoughts, particularly for the young couple. You may find yourself getting caught up in the moment and have an enjoyable time. The mind is powerful and can overcome many obstacles, even if it's only temporary. Your niece will certainly appreciate your presence.

07/08/2012 new

Hi John, welcome to the Forum. I'm glad that you chose to share your concerns with the group here, and as Ray has indicated, there is a wealth of wisdom, faith, and friendship here. rose

Six weeks before my husband succumbed to cancer, his youngest brother proposed to his girlfriend--a gal we had all come to love and hoped would accept his offer! All the brothers and sisters and cousins were here for family time with "Big Brother", as they knew his time was drawing to a close...The proposal occured in our lower yard, in a small meadow with a creek flowing through it, and we watched from the window as our John offered up a bouquet of flowers and dropped to his knees on the footbridge. Weeping, she just nodded her Yes", and we all started whooping and cheering!

The wedding was six months later in July--just a week before what would have been my lte husband's 54th birthday...and my two daughters were flower girls-kind of hard to wiggle out of the event....I decided to ease my pain, and that of all of our family, by giving John one of my husband's military medals to wear inside his coat jacket, over his heart. Both John and I shared a poignant moment, with tears of grief, followed by tears of joy--for a part of "Big Brother" was there for all of us. It actually turned out to be a wonderful wedding ceremony! And yes, I did have another good cry afterwards....Grief is like that--catches you off-guard sometimes, when you least expect it...But it passes, and with it comes strength to take another step forward.

Good luck in your decision, John, and God Bless.You'll be in my prayers. Praying

07/08/2012 new

Hi John, welcome to the Forum. I'm glad that you chose to share your concerns with the group here, and as Ray has indicated, there is a wealth of wisdom, faith, and friendship here. rose

Six weeks before my husband succumbed to cancer, his youngest brother proposed to his girlfriend--a gal we had all come to love and hoped would accept his offer! All the brothers and sisters and cousins were here for family time with "Big Brother", as they knew his time was drawing to a close...The proposal occured in our lower yard, in a small meadow with a creek flowing through it, and we watched from the window as our John offered up a bouquet of flowers and dropped to his knees on the footbridge. Weeping, she just nodded her Yes", and we all started whooping and cheering!

The wedding was six months later in July--just a week before what would have been my lte husband's 54th birthday...and my two daughters were flower girls-kind of hard to wiggle out of the event....I decided to ease my pain, and that of all of our family, by giving John one of my husband's military medals to wear inside his coat jacket, over his heart. Both John and I shared a poignant moment, with tears of grief, followed by tears of joy--for a part of "Big Brother" was there for all of us. It actually turned out to be a wonderful wedding ceremony! And yes, I did have another good cry afterwards....Grief is like that--catches you off-guard sometimes, when you least expect it...But it passes, and with it comes strength to take another step forward.

Good luck in your decision, John, and God Bless.You'll be in my prayers. Praying

07/08/2012 new

John-847566 said:

My niece is getting married this fall and I’m very happy for her. This will be the first marriage on my side of the family since my late wife and I were married. However, the wedding is on the same day as the anniversary of my wife’s death. Based on previous anniversaries, I will probably be a gloomy person to be around. It’s a big day for the young couple and I don’t want to detract from it. I could use some suggestions for how to put on a cheerful face at the wedding.

I had the exact same scenario this year. My oldest son died on May 20, 1996 and his friends set their wedding date for May 19, which is the date of the accident and the driver of the car died on the 19th.

I opted not to go and sent a gift and card ahead of time. They did a balloon launch for my son and his friend and sent me a picture but I really have come to the place in my life where I refuse to perform on that day. How I feel, is how I feel. In this life we have so many things we HAVE to do...go to work, conduct business, pay bills, I just decided long ago I would always take that day off work and that I would not be coerced into doing things on that date. There are so many times in life I have to push myself and do things I don't want to do. I decided that May 19-20 are days I grieve and if people like it that's fine, if not, Oh well. I figure the beauty of online shopping is I can send a gift ahead of time and then later on I can invite the couple over for dinner and have more personal time anyway.

God bless you, losing someone is hard and it's doubly hard when the unwritten expectations that we are to be "over it by now" are just not accurate. You'll be in my prayers.

Lorrie

07/08/2012 new

I attended a family wedding just yesterday and it was difficult at times. Toughest was the Groom dancing with his Mom. My sons will not be able to dance with there Mother.

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