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A place to learn, mingle, and share

This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

07/19/2012 new

(Quote) Deborah-550454 said: Yes, the paperwork can be emotionally draining. It wrings ya out to have to give the tr...
(Quote) Deborah-550454 said:



Yes, the paperwork can be emotionally draining. It wrings ya out to have to give the tribunal what they need to grant the annulment because they have to know the details of some very painful things.
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When I first started filling out the paperwork there wasn't much emotion at all about it because my divorce was final eight years ago. So I had plenty of emotional distance from my marriage and my divorce. It wasn't real hard to fill out the paperwork because I was detached. I had to send away for some of the required documents so I filled out the paperwork while waiting for those to arrive. Then I emailed my answers to my advocate, John in a Word document and was looking forward to getting together with him the next week to make copies of my answers to the questionaire and the other documents and mail it all in. It had taken a few months to get to that point. Well, it didn't happen that way.
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John sent me an email telling me that I had to expand on two of my answers, in areas that were key to what the tribunal required in order to grant the annulment. This is the point where the emotions really started kicking in for me. I was so disappointed that we couldn't just mail it all in and felt heavy with dread.. having to dig into those painful areas. I didn't tell many people about this delay because I didn't want to deal with what I had to deal with...much less talk about it. I wasn't able to get right on that and put it away for a little while, just needed some time before I had to wrestle that bear. The day came when John emailed me, after resubmitting the answers, and it was a joyous moment to read what he'd written...'Good Job!' We got together and made copies of everything and he had me help with the final steps by having me stamp the seal on all of the pages of the questionaire and he had me close the envelope that all of the paperwork was in for the tribunal.
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Afterwards, I told a friend of mine that your blood, sweat and tears are required before your answers are satisfactory. If you don't give thorough answers to the questions, you will have to answer them again. That was the most difficult part for me, to have my questionaire returned after I thought that we were done with that aspect of the process. If I had any advice for you it would be to try to avoid that. Hang in there Katherine. There is an end in sight.


--hide--


I know this feeling only too well. I started the process over two years ago. My divorce had been final (ouch) sixteen years. I really thought, as you did, that it was going to be a piece of cake. Little did I know. I started filling the forms out, my world imploded, and I set them aside for six months. I pulled them back out, tweaked some answers, and put them away to pray over.

I finally met with my tribunal rep. last fall. If I say that I sat at her kitchen table and cried for two solid hours when she helped me expand answers, I am not exagerating. How ugly!! She has been at this for a long time. At one point, she stopped me and said, "All of this happened, and you STILL got married?" That was the lowest point of that visit. It hurt and was humiliating to face those days in my life. The only answer I had was that I was not then who I am now. Still pretty ugly.

I went home, and put the paperwork back up. I pulled it out at two separate retreats, and worked on that last answer again. She asked me about it recently. The only answer I can give her is that this is in God's time. I really feel like I'm going at His pace in this, and there is a reason He is having me go slowly.

Not sure all of that makes sense, but it is very reassuring to know that I'm not the only person to be emotionally blindsided by the process. Thank you for sharing Deborah!

07/19/2012 new

(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said: I know this feeling only too well. I started the process over two years ago. My divor...
(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said:



I know this feeling only too well. I started the process over two years ago. My divorce had been final (ouch) sixteen years. I really thought, as you did, that it was going to be a piece of cake. Little did I know. I started filling the forms out, my world imploded, and I set them aside for six months. I pulled them back out, tweaked some answers, and put them away to pray over.

I finally met with my tribunal rep. last fall. If I say that I sat at her kitchen table and cried for two solid hours when she helped me expand answers, I am not exagerating. How ugly!! She has been at this for a long time. At one point, she stopped me and said, "All of this happened, and you STILL got married?" That was the lowest point of that visit. It hurt and was humiliating to face those days in my life. The only answer I had was that I was not then who I am now. Still pretty ugly.

I went home, and put the paperwork back up. I pulled it out at two separate retreats, and worked on that last answer again. She asked me about it recently. The only answer I can give her is that this is in God's time. I really feel like I'm going at His pace in this, and there is a reason He is having me go slowly.

Not sure all of that makes sense, but it is very reassuring to know that I'm not the only person to be emotionally blindsided by the process. Thank you for sharing Deborah!

--hide--


sorry hug
You have gone through much more pain than I have, with answering the questions. Your tribunal rep could have been kinder and didn't need to make the remark about ' You still got married?' That was uncalled for. irked Who is she to judge what you should or shouldn't have done? Not the most tactful thing that she could have said and you didn't need to feel worse than you already did at that point. We make choices sometimes based on hope that in spite of our doubts or reservations, that it will work out somehow. You should write to her at some point after you are further along in the process and let her know how badly that she made you feel. It might save someone else the pain that you felt when she said that to you.


You make perfect sense Annemarie I am sure that there are many here who understand and sympathize with your journey through this process.


07/19/2012 new

(Quote) Deborah-550454 said: You have gone through much more pain than I have, with answering the questions. You...
(Quote) Deborah-550454 said:




You have gone through much more pain than I have, with answering the questions. Your tribunal rep could have been kinder and didn't need to make the remark about ' You still got married?' That was uncalled for. Who is she to judge what you should or shouldn't have done? Not the most tactful thing that she could have said and you didn't need to feel worse than you already did at that point. We make choices sometimes based on hope that in spite of our doubts or reservations, that it will work out somehow. You should write to her at some point after you are further along in the process and let her know how badly that she made you feel. It might save someone else the pain that you felt when she said that to you.


You make perfect sense Annemarie I am sure that there are many here who understand and sympathize with your journey through this process.


--hide--


Oh my goodness - I'm sorry I gave the wrong impression on my rep!!!! She's a dear, dear friend and one of the most beautiful people I know!!! She asked that question in true puzzlement. She couldn't put the person I am today in context with the person who made those choices. It stung to realize some of the poor choices I made, but she stayed with me, handed me tissues, made me tea and had homemade soup for lunch ready when I arrived. It does hurt a lot, but I'm fairly sure not all of it was the marriage. There were other issues in the marriage that hurt terribly, infertility that led me to leave the church altogether for years, abuse, and so forth. It's been very cleansing, but emotionally draining at times.

I'm not rushing the process. I think that I need to grieve that marriage fully, even if it is 20 years later. I really and truly want to be a whole person moving forward. Much of that is acknowledging who I was, decisions I made, and forgiving that very young person who made poor decisions for herself, her child and hurt some very decent people in the process. That takes time. My profile says clearly that I am only seeking friends. This post, and others like it, has become a huge part of my healing process. This site is connecting me with others who have been there, are still there and understand the divorce/annulment process as only another Catholic can. I'm slowly learning who I am, what is good and the value of what I have to offer others moving forward.

I've enjoyed several of your posts here. Thank you again for your compassion.

07/19/2012 new

(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said: Oh my goodness - I'm sorry I gave the wrong impression on my rep!!!! She's a ...
(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said:



Oh my goodness - I'm sorry I gave the wrong impression on my rep!!!! She's a dear, dear friend and one of the most beautiful people I know!!! She asked that question in true puzzlement. She couldn't put the person I am today in context with the person who made those choices. It stung to realize some of the poor choices I made, but she stayed with me, handed me tissues, made me tea and had homemade soup for lunch ready when I arrived. It does hurt a lot, but I'm fairly sure not all of it was the marriage. There were other issues in the marriage that hurt terribly, infertility that led me to leave the church altogether for years, abuse, and so forth. It's been very cleansing, but emotionally draining at times.

I'm not rushing the process. I think that I need to grieve that marriage fully, even if it is 20 years later. I really and truly want to be a whole person moving forward. Much of that is acknowledging who I was, decisions I made, and forgiving that very young person who made poor decisions for herself, her child and hurt some very decent people in the process. That takes time. My profile says clearly that I am only seeking friends. This post, and others like it, has become a huge part of my healing process. This site is connecting me with others who have been there, are still there and understand the divorce/annulment process as only another Catholic can. I'm slowly learning who I am, what is good and the value of what I have to offer others moving forward.

I've enjoyed several of your posts here. Thank you again for your compassion.

--hide--



I am so glad that I was mistaken about your rep! She sounds like a truly wonderful friend. We all go at our own pace with this process. You aren't the same person that you were in your younger days and I hope that you can soon let go of your pain from the past and move on. Cut yourself some slack on the guilt if you can AnneMarie .... who hasn't made poor decisions at one time or another that not only hurt themselves but those close to them? I pray for you to find the peace that you are seeking. Thanks for liking my posts! You are a very positive influence here. smile smile

08/08/2012 new

I'm stuck now because I can't help thinking...what if? What the tribunal says "You had a sacramental marriage" and I will never again be free to marry?

I would feel like it was my fault, because *I* was the one that kept pressing for it to be in a church, *I* was the one who went and found an older English language ceremony wording that included the wording, *I* was the one who went to such great lengths to try to do the right thing because I though it was all I could do to correct the situation. I didn't know he was agnostic, I didn't know any of the things that would happen, but I tried so hard to make it right.

I think I have to go ahead and finish the paperwork, but facing the possibility that annulment might not be granted is very scary right now.

08/08/2012 new

(Quote) Katherine-868943 said: I'm stuck now because I can't help thinking...what if? What the tribunal says "Y...
(Quote) Katherine-868943 said:

I'm stuck now because I can't help thinking...what if? What the tribunal says "You had a sacramental marriage" and I will never again be free to marry?

I would feel like it was my fault, because *I* was the one that kept pressing for it to be in a church, *I* was the one who went and found an older English language ceremony wording that included the wording, *I* was the one who went to such great lengths to try to do the right thing because I though it was all I could do to correct the situation. I didn't know he was agnostic, I didn't know any of the things that would happen, but I tried so hard to make it right.

I think I have to go ahead and finish the paperwork, but facing the possibility that annulment might not be granted is very scary right now.

--hide--


I'm right there with you. I have met with my priest and my tribunal rep several times. They BOTH feel that there are adequate grounds over multiple issues, but I'm still uneasy about it. Have you met with anyone yet? You'll be in my prayers. heart

08/23/2012 new

Hi Katherine,


Congratulations on your conversion and the Baptism of your son. You both now have the Sacraments and your faith family to support you! I am a returned Catholic. I had no idea of the strength the faith and my parish family would give me until my former husband left me. They carried me.


My divorce was finalized 5 weeks ago after 40 years of marriage and a 2 1/2 year battle! I've started my anulment paperwork too - long form. Given my age of 61 and the longevity of the marriage, I have a new prospective on the anulment process. Think of it not as a 'Catholic Divorce' as so many do. But rather think of it as a way to see that your marriage should never have taken place in the first place.


I've known that about us for a while. It wasn't until I started putting down on paper that I realized both our real personalities and values and where they came from. I'm working with the mindset of not 'right vs. wrong' but rather 'too different' in what is really important and that most important thing is not love.


Of course you are going to get frustrated and cry. Sometimes you may not want to close the computer screen but throw something at it. You have all these feelings and emothions bottled up in you. So what if you cry or get upset while you do it. It is OK. And it is OK to take as long as it takes to finish.


Also think of this as a way to discover more about yourself and a way to be mindful of what not to do again. It is a way to get to know you better!
God Bless,
Sharon

08/23/2012 new

God Bless you AnneMarie! We are in the same Diocese andI'm sure the same staff! You have taken on a great prospective and in the end I think you will come out so far ahead!

08/23/2012 new

(Quote) Sharon-889251 said: God Bless you AnneMarie! We are in the same Diocese andI'm sure the same staff! You have tak...
(Quote) Sharon-889251 said:

God Bless you AnneMarie! We are in the same Diocese andI'm sure the same staff! You have taken on a great prospective and in the end I think you will come out so far ahead!

--hide--


I'm not familiar with the tribunal staff, only the rep at my church. She's a most amazing blessing!!! heart

08/23/2012 new

Katherine,

Go back over the list of 'causes' for a marriage not to be valid. From your own words, "I didn't know he was agnostic." If you knew that, would you have married him? Lack of informed consent! Why did you keep pressing him to marry? (rhetorical) Another reason for annulment is cowarsion or pressure to marry by either one to the other. If you married for any reason but true and lasting love (i.e. pregnancy, finances, etc.), the marriage is invalid. Every diocese looks at things differently but the basics are the same.


Try not to worry about all the 'what-ifs' Have faith in God to work in his own time and the diocese to do his will.

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