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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

This Thursday is the first anniversary of my husband's death. I honestly thought I'd be okay with it but during mass this past weekend, it hit me and I've been a bit weepy ever since. I am away from home for a few months, staying with one of our sons. I work via the internet. I don't know if I should work or take the day off. If I should commemorate the day somehow or try to treat it as a normal day. I do plan on going to mass in the morning. I'll be away from our other sons and the rest of my family.

What did you do and would you do it differently if you could? For what it's worth, I hate crying and hate feeling sorry for myself, but I already feel that coming on. I'm open to any words of wisdom.

Jul 30th 2012 new

Cynthia,

I was fortunate enough to have family members attend mass with me on the first anniversary of my wife's death. Afterwards, some of us went to the cemetery and then out for lunch. Not a good day to get anything productive done at work so I took the whole day off. I would not have changed a thing.

My advice is to set your expectations for the day to absolute zero. That way, anything that does cause you to smile will be a bonus. Don't fight against your emotions. Grieving on such a day is normal. Attending mass is good ideal. I know that it helped me.

God bless,

John

Jul 30th 2012 new

Cynthia,


I planned to take the day off, and notified my principal in advance. I explained to my seven kids ( because they DO worry that you are going to be hurting) at home that Mom was going to church in the morning...was going to have breakfast nearest the hospital (my desire-everyone is different)...and then after that, I, too, left the day open...I did go to a favorite walking spot...but I could not stay...I had to leave, and I did not expect that to be the upsetting place.. I thought it would be so healing to be there...but it was opposite.....One thing I have learned is that is NOT what you think that hits you...it is sometimes so unexpected...you are unexpectedly strong and unexpectedly defeated....at different times or places.


So, as John said...I wouldn't plan every minute...but it was good to be not at work, and to be alone with my heart and my Lord...It was also draining physically...and I did even enter into a peaceful little "nap" during the time I wanted to meditate in silence and pray and read Scrpture...it was only a few minutes...but it was good...and then I just carried on in the afteroon with kid pickup, homework, dinner etc.... with special prayers with the kids at table and at bedtime...


I would just let the day move by itself...i had feelings all day that almost sort of rolled over me...in soft waves...but palpable...being loved, being at peace, being sad, being resolved, being alone...being okay...it just came and went like the tides...I was not in charge of them, but not overwhelmed...


I will be in prayer for you, Cynthia, on Thursday....Do not fear..it is a special opportunity for God to hold you tighter! :) you are not alone. Barbara rose

Jul 30th 2012 new
I feel for you Cynthia. The first anniversary is usually the toughest.

We have a big group of friends so on my husband's first year anniversary and each year after that, I had the intentions said at Mass for him, then we all went to the cemetary to visit him. We prayed a bit, we talked to him, we joked around. Then we proceeded to go to my house for dinner, then we prayed the novena for the dead and the rosary for the repose of his soul.

Somehow, being surrounded by friends and family made it easier for my sons and I to pass through this sad day. We mainly did a lot of talking about Fernando. We traded funny stories, funny things that he did (he had a great sense of humor), the lessons he imparted to each of us. It got teary eyed sometimes but it was a great time for remembrance, prayer, camaraderie, and to commemorate his memory.

It's good that you're with your son. Take the time to weep, to remember, but try to remember all the good and humorous things about him. Remember him in love. Do whatever feels right for you. Only you will know what feels right.

Know that I will be thinking about you and will light a candle for the repose of your husband's soul. Hugs.

Lilibeth Praying hug
Jul 30th 2012 new

Thank you, John. I have asked for the day off but was just notified that we'll be short-handed for a while, so I don't know if they'll give it to me. If they do, I will probably go for a long drive after mass, wherever the road takes me. He loved to drive. I used to say that he'd live in the car if he could.

Jul 30th 2012 new

Thank you, Barbara and Lilibeth. I have 6 sons with the youngest being 18. Sons #2, 4 and 6 live with me. Since I won't be there, they will be going out to dinner together and then "visiting Dad." The son I'm visiting is going through chemo for testicular cancer. He's only 25. Cure rate is 95% if they caught it early enough. He has his own issues along with his wife and baby daughter. I don't want him worrying about me but I know I can't stop him.

Barbara, I completely understand about unexpected feelings, etc. Our wedding anniversary is exactly a month after his passing and I got through that fine. I got through the holidays pretty well too. Oftentimes, when I get emotional, it's for no reason at all. Sometimes it's at mass. I'll just tear up. (He was Catholic but didn't attend mass with me. He refound his faith and love for the church while he was in the hospital with lung cancer. My dearest wish was to have him attend mass with me again but it never happened. But our priest assured me that he died in a state of grace.)

Jul 31st 2012 new

(Quote) Cynthia-875784 said: Thank you, Barbara and Lilibeth. I have 6 sons with the youngest being 18. Sons #2, 4 and 6 liv...
(Quote) Cynthia-875784 said:

Thank you, Barbara and Lilibeth. I have 6 sons with the youngest being 18. Sons #2, 4 and 6 live with me. Since I won't be there, they will be going out to dinner together and then "visiting Dad." The son I'm visiting is going through chemo for testicular cancer. He's only 25. Cure rate is 95% if they caught it early enough. He has his own issues along with his wife and baby daughter. I don't want him worrying about me but I know I can't stop him.

Barbara, I completely understand about unexpected feelings, etc. Our wedding anniversary is exactly a month after his passing and I got through that fine. I got through the holidays pretty well too. Oftentimes, when I get emotional, it's for no reason at all. Sometimes it's at mass. I'll just tear up. (He was Catholic but didn't attend mass with me. He refound his faith and love for the church while he was in the hospital with lung cancer. My dearest wish was to have him attend mass with me again but it never happened. But our priest assured me that he died in a state of grace.)

--hide--
Cynthia -- you can take comfort in the fact that you're perfectly normal. Getting through the grieving process is work in progress -- it doesn't begin or end on specific dates. Although you have weathered the worst of it, the anniversary dates can hit you emotionally. Also, you will feel it at other times as well -- and for no particular reason. These dates and episodes are temporary, and soon will pass.

Because it is the first anniversary of the loss of your husband, you'll no doubt be dwelling upon it. Allow yourself to grieve -- to be sad, to cry, to look at some things at home that had special meaning for the two of you, and a host of other ways. If you try to bottle up your emotions, you'll be worse off.

People are so different about what they do on these anniversary dates. Some want peace, quiet and solitude so they can meditate; others feel a need to be with family -- or at least friends to help you through the day. A cemetery visit can be comforting, as can taking a long car ride (as long as you focus on your driving). With family and/or friends, you can reminisce, share memories -- both happy and sad.

If you are able to and your Church offers it, there is Eucharistic Adoration -- some quiet time with the Lord. Even a visit to a Church can be satisfying.

There's no right way or wrong way to approach this; the main thing is to do something that brings you comfort and honors his memory.

Jul 31st 2012 new

Cynthia,

First, allow me to say even though it has been a year, my condolences at the loss of your husband.

I knew at some point, Ray would offer great comfort and solace. This month is two years since I became a subscriber. During that time, Ray always and I truly mean always knows the appropriate words to use in any situation and always in a professional manner. If there is a finer gentleman, I have yet to meet him. Ray has been of help to so many of us. This site is fortunate to have him. There will be others in your situation that also may post in the days ahead.

On another note, welcome to the forums. There are several resources that can help you meet new friends. You posting a thread is a start in the right direction. Post in other threads and people will get to know your presence. Emote and message those people you feel can be a positive influence in your life. There is much to be gained by your participation. You will only be limited by how you limit yourself.

Welcome, and I pray your stay is a wonderful journey.


Blessings, Praying hug rose

Leon

Jul 31st 2012 new

Cynthia,

You do whatever you need to do for yourself. This is what your husband would have wanted. Be gentle with yourself ~ allow your grief to flow. There is no right or wrong way to grieve - please know that grief is individual. Have a close friend or family member close by. These anniversary dates will get easier but, it will not go away.

Prayers and Blessings,
Ginger

Jul 31st 2012 new

(Quote) Ginger-791603 said: Cynthia, You do whatever you need to do for yourself. This is what your husband would hav...
(Quote) Ginger-791603 said:

Cynthia,

You do whatever you need to do for yourself. This is what your husband would have wanted. Be gentle with yourself ~ allow your grief to flow. There is no right or wrong way to grieve - please know that grief is individual. Have a close friend or family member close by. These anniversary dates will get easier but, it will not go away.

Prayers and Blessings,
Ginger

--hide--
I agree that it will get easier but not go away. I still feel sad around the anniversary date.

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