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A place to learn, mingle, and share

This room is dedicated to those who are facing the challenge of raising children without the support of a spouse. This is a place to share ideas and lend mutual support.

Saint Rita is known to be a patroness for abused wives and mourning women.
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08/17/2012 new

(Quote) Sarah-799098 said: I wish picking my battles was easier! LOL I am also a rather stubborn person and am having to lea...
(Quote) Sarah-799098 said:

I wish picking my battles was easier! LOL I am also a rather stubborn person and am having to learn which issues are best to deal with. Like I said, he's normally a sweet little boy! It's just when he gets mad that the world seems to fall apart.

--hide--


the key is to accept him as he is and change the way you react to him. that will, in large part, help him shift his attitude and behavior. children that age crave structure and consistency. they thrive once a routine is established. but never make a fetish of the routine or they rebel.

08/17/2012 new

Take him aside and teach him to calm down through quiet play or through fun play with you or others. Talk to him at his level about the 7 year old and have that dealt with. Use hugs and soft soothing voice and so on to help teach him to calm down. He is struggling and it is nto his fault. He does nto know where he belongs and he is suffering because of that. Can someone who is allowed to bond with him take him and have times of just holding him? like before bed? He needs routine consistency, he needs to know he is OK the way he is just as David stated above, and he needs someone to say "Use your words, we don't hit" I can understand his frustration because he is being bullied. He needs to be allowed to ATTACH to someone. Do this through play and through calming activities. There has to be a tone set in the home to control other bullying for good. Parents have to try to remain calm.

08/17/2012 new

(Quote) Marian-83994 said: Take him aside and teach him to calm down through quiet play or through fun play with you or othe...
(Quote) Marian-83994 said:

Take him aside and teach him to calm down through quiet play or through fun play with you or others. Talk to him at his level about the 7 year old and have that dealt with. Use hugs and soft soothing voice and so on to help teach him to calm down. He is struggling and it is nto his fault. He does nto know where he belongs and he is suffering because of that. Can someone who is allowed to bond with him take him and have times of just holding him? like before bed? He needs routine consistency, he needs to know he is OK the way he is just as David stated above, and he needs someone to say "Use your words, we don't hit" I can understand his frustration because he is being bullied. He needs to be allowed to ATTACH to someone. Do this through play and through calming activities. There has to be a tone set in the home to control other bullying for good. Parents have to try to remain calm.

--hide--



Great advice! And from someone who solves everything by hugs and kisses laughing , I advise you to make sure that he's getting enough affection. It must be very confusing for these children, who ALL have full-time nurses. Who do they attach to, the nurses or their mother?

08/17/2012 new

(Quote) Kathy-99973 said: Great advice! And from someone who solves everything by hugs and kisses , I advise you...
(Quote) Kathy-99973 said:




Great advice! And from someone who solves everything by hugs and kisses , I advise you to make sure that he's getting enough affection. It must be very confusing for these children, who ALL have full-time nurses. Who do they attach to, the nurses or their mother?

--hide--


That is great advice! And I agree, it must be very difficult for them to have nurses around constantly, to see their parents for only a few hours a day, and to have such a "different" family dynamic. However, while the children have their favorite nurses, their parents are very good at bonding with them as well.


And I will say that I am one of the nurses that this little boy asks for me and will cry when he is with a different nurse and I am there and can't spend time with him, which is endearing. So I have absolutely no problem showing him bucketloads of love and affection. :)

08/18/2012 new

(Quote) Sarah-799098 said: (Quote) Kathy-99973 said: Great advice! And from someone who s...
(Quote) Sarah-799098 said:

Quote:
Kathy-99973 said:




Great advice! And from someone who solves everything by hugs and kisses , I advise you to make sure that he's getting enough affection. It must be very confusing for these children, who ALL have full-time nurses. Who do they attach to, the nurses or their mother?



That is great advice! And I agree, it must be very difficult for them to have nurses around constantly, to see their parents for only a few hours a day, and to have such a "different" family dynamic. However, while the children have their favorite nurses, their parents are very good at bonding with them as well.


And I will say that I am one of the nurses that this little boy asks for me and will cry when he is with a different nurse and I am there and can't spend time with him, which is endearing. So I have absolutely no problem showing him bucketloads of love and affection. :)

--hide--


It is ESSENTIAL that he knows he can rely on someone to help him feel emotionally safe. Parents and you can talk to him together and help him see he is important to you both and that when he is unhappy you want to know about it. Don't just be reactive and wait for the next crisis- be proactive and develop emotional connection with him. He needs to trust someone to sort this family out for him!

08/18/2012 new

(Quote) Kathy-99973 said: (Quote) Marian-83994 said: Take him aside and teach him to calm down throug...
(Quote) Kathy-99973 said:

Quote:
Marian-83994 said:

Take him aside and teach him to calm down through quiet play or through fun play with you or others. Talk to him at his level about the 7 year old and have that dealt with. Use hugs and soft soothing voice and so on to help teach him to calm down. He is struggling and it is nto his fault. He does nto know where he belongs and he is suffering because of that. Can someone who is allowed to bond with him take him and have times of just holding him? like before bed? He needs routine consistency, he needs to know he is OK the way he is just as David stated above, and he needs someone to say "Use your words, we don't hit" I can understand his frustration because he is being bullied. He needs to be allowed to ATTACH to someone. Do this through play and through calming activities. There has to be a tone set in the home to control other bullying for good. Parents have to try to remain calm.





Great advice! And from someone who solves everything by hugs and kisses , I advise you to make sure that he's getting enough affection. It must be very confusing for these children, who ALL have full-time nurses. Who do they attach to, the nurses or their mother?

--hide--


I agree that witholding hugs and kisses is not the way to go. Nurturing is a very important part of human development. He is begging for help and only an adult can bring order out of the chaos he feels. Try to show him how to calm down. Read him a quiet story while on your lap or on the parent's lap and have him talk with you about it. Group play can be hard for anyone!

08/18/2012 new

(Quote) Kathy-99973 said: Great advice! And from someone who solves everything by hugs and kisses , I advise you...
(Quote) Kathy-99973 said:




Great advice! And from someone who solves everything by hugs and kisses , I advise you to make sure that he's getting enough affection. It must be very confusing for these children, who ALL have full-time nurses. Who do they attach to, the nurses or their mother?

--hide--


Some schools of thought withhold hugs and kisses.(I tend to disagree..)
Now especially For foster children- I do not think this is the way to go. These children already do not know where they belong. It is not fair for them to constantly have to fight for meager attention, so if he is acting up he needs someone to hone in on his needs. Is there a social worker on the case?

08/18/2012 new

(Quote) Kathy-99973 said: Here's a few of my 1) The seven year old needs to be dealt with, period. The three yea...
(Quote) Kathy-99973 said:



Here's a few of my 1) The seven year old needs to be dealt with, period. The three year old must learn that the seven year old's behavior is not acceptable. 2) I've never seen time outs work well (I only have one child), but you can restrict the three year from doing what he wants to do, his toys, his t.v. shows, etc. 3) I think that meeting his basic human needs is the first priority. He is probably tired, hungary, or has other needs. He needs a nap! 4) I'm not familiar with foster care's criteria or large families. When my daughter was three, she was in a Christian pre-school. Some of these problems may go away soon, because school will start, and the older kids will be in school part of the day. In FL, five year olds now go to school (which I approve). I'm not a big fan of home schooling, so, if that's the case with this family, GOOD LUCK!!

Three year olds are VERY energetic, and need to be worn out. Let him run himself out until he falls asleep!

--hide--
Right, Kathy -- You start with the obvious: basic needs such as food, need for sleep and so on. Also, the 7 year old has to be dealt with. Part of the turmoil (perhaps the largest part) is the lack of any basic discipline previously, and the feeling of being jostled around in foster care. Anger issues can be present at such a young age. The idea of rewarding positive behavior and punishment for improper behavior might reinforce his will to do good. Does he seem starved for affection? This might be difficult, given the number of children in the family.

One school of thought is if a child his age is acting up to just let him continue until he realizes it isn't doing him any good. Perhaps being removed from the scene of the crime can help until he calms down. He might be old enough to understand being told: "When you can behave, you can join the others." It's telling him he has the responsibility to shape up.

As you also pointed out, he needs some physical activity to burn off that excess energy.

There may be something troubling him (he's facing a lot of problems for his age), and perhaps a therpist's evaluation might be helpful. There's such a combination of factors that can influence his behavior, it's difficult to pinpoint. Determining what the problem is (or at least the major problem) is a key to solving it.

08/18/2012 new

(Quote) Marian-83994 said: I agree that witholding hugs and kisses is not the way to go. Nurturing is a very importa...
(Quote) Marian-83994 said:



I agree that witholding hugs and kisses is not the way to go. Nurturing is a very important part of human development. He is begging for help and only an adult can bring order out of the chaos he feels. Try to show him how to calm down. Read him a quiet story while on your lap or on the parent's lap and have him talk with you about it. Group play can be hard for anyone!

--hide--


My youngest was a biter/hitter/thrower. Each time we curbed one behavior a new one kicked in. We were so happy when he'd just make a mad face and storm off. Some of the things that worked for him were blast offs. When he'd get angry and want to hit, we'd count to ten and he'd scrouch down until we got to ten and he could blast off. It was just a way for him to put that energy into an acceptable release. Later we used the 1-2-3 method which was great because it put him in control of the consequences. He hated getting counted on, but he'd stop acting up when we got to two. Another awesome book, recommended by his Dr. was "Raising Your Spirited Child." This was a blessing because it gave us tools for understanding him and changing our reactions to him. Instead of saying something like, "I said no, so stop bugging me." we would say "That persistence is going to help you find a cure for cancer some day, but it's not going to work now." Instead of getting the message that he was a pest, he was hearing positive things. Some of that may help the older boy who because of his actions, is only hearing negative things. My son is amazing at 14. He is kind, thoughtful, smart and full of laughter. Hr is the peacemaker between my kids. know all those things had a positive affect on him.

08/18/2012 new

(Quote) Marian-83994 said: Some schools of thought withhold hugs and kisses.(I tend to disagree..)Now especially...
(Quote) Marian-83994 said:



Some schools of thought withhold hugs and kisses.(I tend to disagree..)
Now especially For foster children- I do not think this is the way to go. These children already do not know where they belong. It is not fair for them to constantly have to fight for meager attention, so if he is acting up he needs someone to hone in on his needs. Is there a social worker on the case?

--hide--

He does have social workers, however this issue is more just day to day personality and attitude clashes with siblings. And the family is very, very good at bonding with their children; this little boy doesn't seem to have any trouble recognizing that he is part of the family -- he has been with them for a couple years, I think.


But I definitely like all the comments on being proactive, showing more attention, and honing in on his needs. I will definitely try that!

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