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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

08/24/2012 new

(Quote) Anthony-397426 said: Every story is differnt. I guess it all comes down to trusting the individual and that takes a ...
(Quote) Anthony-397426 said:

Every story is differnt. I guess it all comes down to trusting the individual and that takes a while to do.
I have to remind myself that they are trusting what I'm saying is the truth as well.

I know its good for the children that the relationship is cordial. I'm not sure about shared vacations...

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So true....

08/24/2012 new

(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said: I think that the phrase that makes me concerned is "I have a son (or daug...
(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said:

I think that the phrase that makes me concerned is "I have a son (or daughter) who is #1 in my life" I certainly am not advocating that your children shouldn't be priority but if they are #1, then the person you marry will be ???? I sort of question if someone should consider dating/marriage if they feel that they need to have their children as #1...that's fine, then focus on them and date when they are grown. Asking a mate to understand they would be 2nd or 3rd place in your heart and life makes me unsure of them. I'm not judging them to be right or wrong, just saying that I guess that's one reason I seek out men whose children are grown and on their own as that lessens the contact with the ex and all that dynamic around the ex wife showing up. If you are attending life events; weddings, funerals, graduations, of course they will be there. That's totally understandable. But if your ex is your best friend, then maybe reconciliation is in order???

Lorrie

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Thank you Lorrie for being the first person to respond to what I was really asking....a phrase that concerns you. I see what you are saying but I'm still at the kid stage so I don't mind that so much myself. I would mind if the ex were a priority over me though.....because they are "friends"....been there, done that, and will never do it again....not in my "marriage" but in a dating relationship I had prior to "marriage". I'm not bitter either...just wiser.

08/24/2012 new

(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said: I agree, sharing a vacation with my ex would be a season in hell. I am not ang...
(Quote) Lorrie-735074 said:

I agree, sharing a vacation with my ex would be a season in hell. I am not angry at my ex at all but either I can reconcile or I truly can't live with this perosn, which is it?

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Exactly.

08/24/2012 new

(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said: Scenario #1 - Men get hurt in divorce, too. I work with a man who has to be one of th...
(Quote) AnneMarie-641597 said:



Scenario #1 - Men get hurt in divorce, too. I work with a man who has to be one of the nicest on the planet. One of the first things he told me about himself was that his purpose in life was to be the best father and husband that God would allow him to be. Eight months later, he was at an attorney's office because his wife was cheating. Even with the hurt, they are together for a few hours on the holidays for the sake of two beautiful little boys. No hurt he feels trumps what is best for those boys.

Scenario #2 - A couple was married very young, too young. They realized that while they cared for each other, they did not really fit as a married couple. They split when she was pregnant with their second son - her choice. Fast forward four years. He is eloping to remarry without a huge wedding, expenses, etc. His exwife goes with them to celebrate with their children and takes all the pictures of the happy couple. They coparent completely, and they only live a few miles apart so that the boys can go back and forth with ease. It's beyond beautiful.

Scenario #3 - One of my mother's uncles was a dirty dog, and cheated on his wife, mother of his six children. She had the marriage annuled after about 20 years. When she retired, she wanted to go south. She retired to the same town as my uncle and his current wife. She did it so that it would be easier on the children when they came to visit - only to have to go to one town.

All divorces are not created equal. I also survived a nasty divorce to an abusive, alcoholic husband who cheated. I would not choose to ever spend time with him. Our marriage did not include children together, praise God. I will STILL go to his mother's funeral when the time comes. She was one of my mom's best friends all of her life. She has been a part of my life for over 30 years. I love his sister beyong measure. Right is right, and wrong is wrong.

It was mentioned in another post, but anger or resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. All it does is poison our lives. I would speak with my spiritual advisor about how to dump some of the fear and anger. I've been working on the same thing for several years. I would also spend time working on my relationship with God, and continue to pray for discernment to make better choices. And please, feel free to email me. I know how hard it is to fight back from these situations.

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Anne Marie...you missed the point of my post...I don't have fear and anger regarding my past dating relationship where this man I dated (not in my "marriage) had affairs with his ex while dating me...those were younger days for me anyway....way in the past....this thread was supposed to be about things you might see in a profile that would scare you off....I was looking for honest sharing. For instance, for me someone who says he is "friends" with his ex makes me cautious....I wouldn't be scared off but I would definitely be careful finding out what exactly is meant by "friends". I'd feel the same way if someone cheated on their spouse because that is just such a hurtful thing to do to someone and instead of working on their problems or divorcing if they weren't compatible, they chose to do this, so would they take that route again....not that someone would put that in their profile anyway, but again I'd want to really understand what was going on and how they have "repented" now. Is there anything that you might see in a profile that concerns you? That is what this thread is supposed to be about...not sure I worded it well considering I was trying to give examples.

08/24/2012 new

(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said: Is there something you read in a divorced person's profile that may scare you off and not gi...
(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said:

Is there something you read in a divorced person's profile that may scare you off and not give them the chance or do you think you should always give them a chance?

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Anyway...above quote from the second post on this thread is the conversation I hoped to get started for honest dialogue.

08/26/2012 new

I guess some people call them "deal breakers" in other threads but for me it is more about what someone might say in a profile that could possibly scare you off.

08/26/2012 new

(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said: You would think this should be a good thing right.....better than hating each other, right..so w...
(Quote) Cheryl-409772 said:

You would think this should be a good thing right.....better than hating each other, right..so what is the big deal. Well, way back when I was in my twenties I dated someone who said he was "friends" with his ex and I thought it was wonderful for the "sake of the children" only to find out that it was more than that....they did family activities together as if they were still a family though she was married to the guy she cheated with on him supposedly and most likely slept together so he could now cheat on that guy...indeed it seemed when he got closer to someone she came around more often to make sure it didn't work....so now I am always suspicious when I hear it. Plus, I don't understand why they didn't stay together than since they get along so fabulously....


I don't know what do you think? Things like this scare people from dating divorced people.

I think it is because of my experiences that I want to know right away what happened to cause the divorce. I mean I tried and tried and tried before getting my divorce and then annullment....for me the marriage was killing me and would eventually affect my son if I didn't...it was abusive...I had to get out. If someone gets a divorce for a lesser reason....how do I know they have what it takes to stay committed for instance? How do you feel about the other person saying they are "friends" still?

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My experience have been very similar to yours.....IMO.... I think exes being friends is ridiculous.

I do however think they should be cordial and respectful to one another. Maybe the real issue is people do not understand the true meaning of friend vs being friendly/kind/respectful. But it is best to give the person a chance to explain what they mean.

08/26/2012 new

(Quote) Amy-868480 said: My experience have been very similar to yours.....IMO.... I think exes being friends i...
(Quote) Amy-868480 said:


My experience have been very similar to yours.....IMO.... I think exes being friends is ridiculous.

I do however think they should be cordial and respectful to one another. Maybe the real issue is people do not understand the true meaning of friend vs being friendly/kind/respectful. But it is best to give the person a chance to explain what they mean.

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Maybe ridiculous is not the proper word and comes off to harsh! Most improtantly though is to take each person on an individual basis.



08/28/2012 new

Dear Cheryl,

I've never felt it was appropriate for me to be friends with my ex-husband. We have both remarried and I lost our 3 children in miscarriage so we didn't need to be in contact. The forgiveness issue wasn't the reason for my feeling friendship with my ex was inappropriate, I just thought it was weird and not something that fit well with me.

I do know someone else in particular who got divorced and they both remarried. They happen to be friends for the kids' sake but they don't spend holidays together or hang out as couples. They see each other at baseball games or school events and give each other a hug. It seems to work well.

There are probably a lot of different scenarios out there but I think if you like the guy, give it a chance but keep your eyes open. It might prove to be a good match for you or you may see right off the bat that it's a situation you don't want to deal with. fluffy

- Lisa Duffy

08/28/2012 new

(Quote) Amy-868480 said: My experience have been very similar to yours.....IMO.... I think exes being friends i...
(Quote) Amy-868480 said:


My experience have been very similar to yours.....IMO.... I think exes being friends is ridiculous.

I do however think they should be cordial and respectful to one another. Maybe the real issue is people do not understand the true meaning of friend vs being friendly/kind/respectful. But it is best to give the person a chance to explain what they mean.

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I agree!

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