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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
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The Debate

Sep 1st 2012 new

I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of putting myself out there and trying to date again. I have been on one date since Phil died and it didn't end well. I keep thinking that only a widower would understand. Do you think that is true? It would not bother me if someone shared wonderful memories with another person, mentioned their name, or had pictures if they were gone, yet I find myself thinking that I have to keep my memories and thoughts contained at times. What I mean is that who wants to hear about Parent Weekend at USAFA and the special memory of how he ended there as a beloved professor. Could a divorced person get it? Understand that there may be days when Phil is missed--college graduations, marriages, etc? I know how to be married for a long time and to know the value of faith and prayer in the marital relationship. I know that marriage is not easy, but that commitment and loyalty are a strength of mine.


As I contemplate dating again and whether I could date onlne or not, I pose this question. Is it easier to date a widow/widower than a divorced individual? Why or why not? No judgments. Curious.

Sep 1st 2012 new

(Quote) Linda-756196 said: I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of...
(Quote) Linda-756196 said:

I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of putting myself out there and trying to date again. I have been on one date since Phil died and it didn't end well. I keep thinking that only a widower would understand. Do you think that is true? It would not bother me if someone shared wonderful memories with another person, mentioned their name, or had pictures if they were gone, yet I find myself thinking that I have to keep my memories and thoughts contained at times. What I mean is that who wants to hear about Parent Weekend at USAFA and the special memory of how he ended there as a beloved professor. Could a divorced person get it? Understand that there may be days when Phil is missed--college graduations, marriages, etc? I know how to be married for a long time and to know the value of faith and prayer in the marital relationship. I know that marriage is not easy, but that commitment and loyalty are a strength of mine.


As I contemplate dating again and whether I could date onlne or not, I pose this question. Is it easier to date a widow/widower than a divorced individual? Why or why not? No judgments. Curious.

--hide--

Legitimate questions. Some will be able to get it, some won't. I suspect the same will be the same with widowers. In either case, if the person cares about YOU they will care about what is important in your life; if the things that are important to you don't interest or bother them, then that's a good sign it's not the right person and that it;s time to move on. I can see why you would want to avoid the trial and error, but if you try to filter the potential dates you'll be just as likely to eliminate a worthwhile person, perhaps your intended spouse, as you will be to eliminate true mismatches.

Sep 1st 2012 new

(Quote) Linda-756196 said: I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of...
(Quote) Linda-756196 said:

I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of putting myself out there and trying to date again. I have been on one date since Phil died and it didn't end well. I keep thinking that only a widower would understand. Do you think that is true? It would not bother me if someone shared wonderful memories with another person, mentioned their name, or had pictures if they were gone, yet I find myself thinking that I have to keep my memories and thoughts contained at times. What I mean is that who wants to hear about Parent Weekend at USAFA and the special memory of how he ended there as a beloved professor. Could a divorced person get it? Understand that there may be days when Phil is missed--college graduations, marriages, etc? I know how to be married for a long time and to know the value of faith and prayer in the marital relationship. I know that marriage is not easy, but that commitment and loyalty are a strength of mine.


As I contemplate dating again and whether I could date onlne or not, I pose this question. Is it easier to date a widow/widower than a divorced individual? Why or why not? No judgments. Curious.

--hide--
It's an easy question for me to answer. The date I would choose is a female. No qualifications regarding previous marital status period. The only group up for disqualification would consist of women who are still married. There's also some caution with divorced people because of possible complications should the relationship become serious enough to contemplate marriage. Outside of that I'm wide open.

I've dated women in both groups. We all have something in common (including many women who were never married). We've all suffered the loss of our spouses. Perhaps the manner of grieving is a little different, but it is there, nevertheless. People in both groups have experienced the ultimate hurt. I haven't noticed any considerable difference in their ability to "get it" either. We accept the fact that people have had others who have been bonded by marriage, and that is part of their history. Plus...being older than you, that history is bound to be longer than what you encounter. I expect to hear about one's previous mate, but not continually or obsessively. If they are truly past their grieving period, they are good to go. Talking about one's former mate is helpful and therapeutic, plus conversations involving them provide great insight.

I don't consider women who are divorced (yes, they are women first) to be inferior, or unusually flawed because of it. Obviously the same applies to a woman who is widowed (unless she murdered her husband). Deep down inside, we share the same wants and needs. We can have a fantastic relationship with someone from any group.

It's interesting to hear about people's experiences -- including their children, grandchildren along with their activities. It's neat to be asked to attend children's events and programs. You mentioned a specific example about Parent Weekend. Does it really make a difference if you talk about this to a widower or a man who is divorced? Each of them is probably a parent and can relate to your topic. As a parent or grandparent, I would certainly expect such things to come up in conversation.

It's part of our lives and who we are. And that's what we want to learn about from each other.

Sep 1st 2012 new

(Quote) Linda-756196 said: I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of...
(Quote) Linda-756196 said:

I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of putting myself out there and trying to date again. I have been on one date since Phil died and it didn't end well. I keep thinking that only a widower would understand. Do you think that is true? It would not bother me if someone shared wonderful memories with another person, mentioned their name, or had pictures if they were gone, yet I find myself thinking that I have to keep my memories and thoughts contained at times. What I mean is that who wants to hear about Parent Weekend at USAFA and the special memory of how he ended there as a beloved professor. Could a divorced person get it? Understand that there may be days when Phil is missed--college graduations, marriages, etc? I know how to be married for a long time and to know the value of faith and prayer in the marital relationship. I know that marriage is not easy, but that commitment and loyalty are a strength of mine.


As I contemplate dating again and whether I could date onlne or not, I pose this question. Is it easier to date a widow/widower than a divorced individual? Why or why not? No judgments. Curious.

--hide--
Linda , I would say it depends on how long the marriage of the divorced person was and how bad it ended. Myself I have many great memories with my kids and many other things that I hold close to my heart and would not expect anyone to have to hind there past cherished memories. As long as the Widowed person can except that a divorced person might need to share there bad memories as well. Also it deoends on how much times has past for both as to weather they are ready for a relationship again.

Sep 5th 2012 new

(Quote) Linda-756196 said: I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of...
(Quote) Linda-756196 said:

I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of putting myself out there and trying to date again. I have been on one date since Phil died and it didn't end well. I keep thinking that only a widower would understand. Do you think that is true? It would not bother me if someone shared wonderful memories with another person, mentioned their name, or had pictures if they were gone, yet I find myself thinking that I have to keep my memories and thoughts contained at times. What I mean is that who wants to hear about Parent Weekend at USAFA and the special memory of how he ended there as a beloved professor. Could a divorced person get it? Understand that there may be days when Phil is missed--college graduations, marriages, etc? I know how to be married for a long time and to know the value of faith and prayer in the marital relationship. I know that marriage is not easy, but that commitment and loyalty are a strength of mine.


As I contemplate dating again and whether I could date onlne or not, I pose this question. Is it easier to date a widow/widower than a divorced individual? Why or why not? No judgments. Curious.

--hide--


I am like Ray. Finding someone who is compatible is what is important, much more so than putting qualifications. You are active, well-traveled, very intelligent. It's going to be a trick for you just to find someone who can match your vibrance! The end of marriage is a death, be it of natural causes or divorce. It is an ending that requires grief to gain closure. All marriages have good and bad days. As badly as my marriage ended, I was in love with my exhusband for close to 30 years. We shared many happy times, fun holidays our families. I can not begin to imagine not sharing that going forward in life.

The only thing I would advise is to use discernment. You have proven that you are doing so just by talking and sharing your own grief. Make sure the person that you do choose to go out with has grieved their previous relationship to the best of their ability, and that they have a desire to move forward with a new relationship as opposed to a replacement for what was. I think that is a danger we all face when there was love truly shared.

I wish you many, many good things!!! heart

Sep 5th 2012 new

(Quote) Linda-756196 said: I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of...
(Quote) Linda-756196 said:

I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of putting myself out there and trying to date again. I have been on one date since Phil died and it didn't end well. I keep thinking that only a widower would understand. Do you think that is true? It would not bother me if someone shared wonderful memories with another person, mentioned their name, or had pictures if they were gone, yet I find myself thinking that I have to keep my memories and thoughts contained at times. What I mean is that who wants to hear about Parent Weekend at USAFA and the special memory of how he ended there as a beloved professor. Could a divorced person get it? Understand that there may be days when Phil is missed--college graduations, marriages, etc? I know how to be married for a long time and to know the value of faith and prayer in the marital relationship. I know that marriage is not easy, but that commitment and loyalty are a strength of mine.


As I contemplate dating again and whether I could date onlne or not, I pose this question. Is it easier to date a widow/widower than a divorced individual? Why or why not? No judgments. Curious.

--hide--


I think a bigger question is how accepting can we be of a divorced person? There is still going to be contact with their ex if there are children involved. They may harbor resentment or hurt because of what was done to them. As adults, I think either situation calls on us to be open and compassionate. Everyone likes to compare divorce and death and says they are not equal. My experience shows that both situations require a period of grief and acceptance. No one likes to see something they have poured their heart and soul into come to an end. Just as we walk through the pain of losing a spouse and expect others to understand the residual effects, it goes both ways.

When we find that new best friend, that is secure enough to hold us when we cry on those special dates, we'll know. Or if we take their child under our wing, nuture and console them because their "real" mom can't come to their concert, we'll feel their pain, too. I think it is less a question of who we can love than are we ready to love. We've learned first hand how painful taking someone into our heart can be. Yet, here we are, still hoping to capture a bit of the joy that comes with it, too.

Sep 6th 2012 new

(Quote) Linda-756196 said: I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of...
(Quote) Linda-756196 said:

I have been off this site for the most part for the summer. I have been mulling the whole idea of putting myself out there and trying to date again. I have been on one date since Phil died and it didn't end well. I keep thinking that only a widower would understand. Do you think that is true? It would not bother me if someone shared wonderful memories with another person, mentioned their name, or had pictures if they were gone, yet I find myself thinking that I have to keep my memories and thoughts contained at times. What I mean is that who wants to hear about Parent Weekend at USAFA and the special memory of how he ended there as a beloved professor. Could a divorced person get it? Understand that there may be days when Phil is missed--college graduations, marriages, etc? I know how to be married for a long time and to know the value of faith and prayer in the marital relationship. I know that marriage is not easy, but that commitment and loyalty are a strength of mine.


As I contemplate dating again and whether I could date onlne or not, I pose this question. Is it easier to date a widow/widower than a divorced individual? Why or why not? No judgments. Curious.

--hide--
Linda, I think when we have lost a spouse of a happy marriage, we hang onto the happy thoughts of them and therefore speak more about them to the potential date. Many of us were with our spouse for more that 2/3rds of our lives and so that person has truly become a part of us through all the shared experiences. I have said to a fellow that if you don't like things about my late husband then you are probably not going to like me, because he really is a part of me. I find that guys that truly care for me are the ones that will really understand me as Ray said (be they widowed or divorced). Everyone grieves in their own time and if you don't feel ready to really date then don't.....take your time and let God guide you. Enjoy the journey...GBU ~~ Mary

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