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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

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I'm a bit timid about starting any kind of relationship with a man because I'm afraid I will only compare him to my late husband. This would obviously be very unfair for the new man in my life. Any advice from folks who have gone thru this?

Oct 8th 2012 new

Good question. I look forward to seeing the replies.

Oct 9th 2012 new

(Quote) Christina-816969 said: I'm a bit timid about starting any kind of relationship with a man because I'm afraid...
(Quote) Christina-816969 said:

I'm a bit timid about starting any kind of relationship with a man because I'm afraid I will only compare him to my late husband. This would obviously be very unfair for the new man in my life. Any advice from folks who have gone thru this?

--hide--
This question could apply to both genders. It's something we have to work on, and work out as much as possible during the grieving process. The problem with that is there's no definite end to it. We can't state that on a particular date we stopped grieving. There will always be memories. During the aftermath, we take time to reinvent ourselves -- helpful because it brings us to the present, dwelling less on the past. Once we realize the past is really gone and we can't get it back, we can move forward -- one day at a time.

Perhaps many of us are taken back to our pre-marriage dating days. Many of us dated several people before finding our "match". Now we're doing this again -- looking for that "match". If we're going to be comparing newly found people of interest to our late spouses, we're on a road to nowhere. To be sure, there will be some thoughts occasionally, but if we focus on the present -- to include who we are and who the other person is, we'll stand a better chance.

This problem exists even with married couples who often recall and compare their spouse to the "one that got away". While it may be a natural tendency to do so, it can be harmful, especially when it's verbalized. Harmful to one's self; hurtful to to a spouse.

It takes awhile to realize we're "free" to pursue another healthy relationship. Instead of looking back, we should be looking forward. Dwelling on the past excessively can result in one lonely, gloomy person and affect those around him or her.

Each person is unique. Makes the world interesting, yet more challenging. If we find ourselves immersed in comparing, we might not be ready for another person in our lives. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. As Pogo once said: "We have met the enemy; and he is us." There are choices to be made; attitudes to change or improve. We're still works in progress.

Oct 9th 2012 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said: This question could apply to both genders. It's something we have to work on, and work out as m...
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:

This question could apply to both genders. It's something we have to work on, and work out as much as possible during the grieving process. The problem with that is there's no definite end to it. We can't state that on a particular date we stopped grieving. There will always be memories. During the aftermath, we take time to reinvent ourselves -- helpful because it brings us to the present, dwelling less on the past. Once we realize the past is really gone and we can't get it back, we can move forward -- one day at a time.

Perhaps many of us are taken back to our pre-marriage dating days. Many of us dated several people before finding our "match". Now we're doing this again -- looking for that "match". If we're going to be comparing newly found people of interest to our late spouses, we're on a road to nowhere. To be sure, there will be some thoughts occasionally, but if we focus on the present -- to include who we are and who the other person is, we'll stand a better chance.

This problem exists even with married couples who often recall and compare their spouse to the "one that got away". While it may be a natural tendency to do so, it can be harmful, especially when it's verbalized. Harmful to one's self; hurtful to to a spouse.

It takes awhile to realize we're "free" to pursue another healthy relationship. Instead of looking back, we should be looking forward. Dwelling on the past excessively can result in one lonely, gloomy person and affect those around him or her.

Each person is unique. Makes the world interesting, yet more challenging. If we find ourselves immersed in comparing, we might not be ready for another person in our lives. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. As Pogo once said: "We have met the enemy; and he is us." There are choices to be made; attitudes to change or improve. We're still works in progress.

--hide--



Wow...definately what I was looking for in a response!!! Thank you and Bravo! I have especially found that last part to be true for me...I AM my own enemy...my own thoughts are my undoing. This is where the Holy Mother Church's teachings of dying to one self has really come in handy. My "self" and its accompanying ego need a good beating sometimes (all the time).
Along the subject of the past, I like to think I have grown through the denial and have accepted the future as my focus; however, I still have my slip-ups. I, too, have seen it necessary to reinvent my self...not who I am inside (although that has seen some changes, also)...but more a drastic altering of where my life is heading. I'm not Dale's wife anymore...and that has led me through a major identity crisis.

All this considered though, I pray that if Our Heavenly Father decides to bless my life with another relationship, I will be able to work through my tendencies to compare the new to the old.

Oct 9th 2012 new

(Quote) Christina-816969 said: Wow...definately what I was looking for in a response!!! Thank you and Bravo! I h...
(Quote) Christina-816969 said:




Wow...definately what I was looking for in a response!!! Thank you and Bravo! I have especially found that last part to be true for me...I AM my own enemy...my own thoughts are my undoing. This is where the Holy Mother Church's teachings of dying to one self has really come in handy. My "self" and its accompanying ego need a good beating sometimes (all the time).
Along the subject of the past, I like to think I have grown through the denial and have accepted the future as my focus; however, I still have my slip-ups. I, too, have seen it necessary to reinvent my self...not who I am inside (although that has seen some changes, also)...but more a drastic altering of where my life is heading. I'm not Dale's wife anymore...and that has led me through a major identity crisis.

All this considered though, I pray that if Our Heavenly Father decides to bless my life with another relationship, I will be able to work through my tendencies to compare the new to the old.

--hide--
Thank you, too, Christina.

No need to be unduly harsh on yourself -- just having an awareness can help you immensely. Sometimes, ya gotta just say "Whoa!!!" and think things through. You'll find the qualities that are most important to you. A lot of other things just seem to fall into place. A little attitude adjustment or tweaking can be helpful -- it's the one thing we can control if we can't change the circumstances.

Oct 9th 2012 new

Hi there
I have found this blog to be very interesting because I for a long time have been struggling with this in many ways . I lost my spouse many years ago. I have moved through all the stages of grief and have come out on the other side of it ready to pursue the thoughrt of another relationship. I found that after it happened I blamed god for taking my one love from me and I sort of strayed awayf rom the church for a while thinking that was the answer but it wasn't because god was there all the way helping me to regroup and refocus myslef in the right direction. Im doing great now and I thought I got in another relationship and the mistakes I made in the beginning of it by comparing him to my late hubby was very determintal to my relationship and I didn't realize I was doing it and was not conscious of it but it wasn't a good relationship as I kept thinking hey would my late hubby be saying this or doing this to me and the answer was no so that helped to guide me as my angel from god to determine if the new person was the right person for me and the answer was no so in a sense I feel it could be a blessing and something that you strive not to do if you want to find the right person to begin a new relationship with ...just a thought thanks

Oct 9th 2012 new

(Quote) Christina-816969 said: I'm a bit timid about starting any kind of relationship with a man because I'm afraid...
(Quote) Christina-816969 said:

I'm a bit timid about starting any kind of relationship with a man because I'm afraid I will only compare him to my late husband. This would obviously be very unfair for the new man in my life. Any advice from folks who have gone thru this?

--hide--


Until I got past the overwhelming grief, I just didn't have anything left for a new relationship. I grieved until I thought I would just fade away from the pain of grief. Then one morning I woke up and felt at peace. I have no idea why. It just happened. Since that time, I have dated several very nice men, though I have not found one that I would like to settle down with...but it is not because of any comparisons with my husband. I just haven't found someone that fits yet.


I think the first priority is to get the grieving behind us. Until that is done there really isn't any room in our lives for someone else. He will always just be filling someone else's shoes until we can finally step through the doorway to our future alone. It took me a while to do this, but thankfully I finally have. That doesn't mean I don't miss my dear friend and husband; it does mean that I have finally let him go. Before I did that, I really had no place in my life for someone else.


Now, I am rebuilding my life which includes going out with other men. It is a bit strange considering that all the rules of dating I know were from the late 60s and early 70s with very strick parents watching over me. But I'm working on that. Oddly enough I am still very comfortable with those same dating rules. Though I was married for 34 years, my morals are very much in tack.


My best advice is don't rush it. You will know when the time it right. Be patient with yourself and the men you meet. I am finding even the men are a bit nervous with this venture in dating at this time in our lives. I have become very impressed with all of us who are willing to give love another chance. It's a pretty gutsy adventure.


I hope my ramblings are helpful. You might try the Women's forum. We have some pretty interesting conversations there.


- Elizabeth

Oct 9th 2012 new

Though I was married for 34 years, my morals are very much in tack.


- Elizabeth

[/quote]


Sorry about my misspelling. "in tack" should be intact. It is late and I am tired. Hope I haven't misspelled anything else. flamed eyebrow


- Elizabeth

Oct 10th 2012 new

(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said: Though I was married for 34 years, my morals are very much in tack. - Elizabeth
(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said:

Though I was married for 34 years, my morals are very much in tack.


- Elizabeth

[/quote]


Sorry about my misspelling. "in tack" should be intact. It is late and I am tired. Hope I haven't misspelled anything else.


- Elizabeth

--hide--
No, Elizabeth -- you spelled "anything else" correctly...... rolling eyes faint

Oct 10th 2012 new

(Quote) Christina-816969 said: Wow...definately what I was looking for in a response!!! Thank you and Bravo! I h...
(Quote) Christina-816969 said:




Wow...definately what I was looking for in a response!!! Thank you and Bravo! I have especially found that last part to be true for me...I AM my own enemy...my own thoughts are my undoing. This is where the Holy Mother Church's teachings of dying to one self has really come in handy. My "self" and its accompanying ego need a good beating sometimes (all the time).
Along the subject of the past, I like to think I have grown through the denial and have accepted the future as my focus; however, I still have my slip-ups. I, too, have seen it necessary to reinvent my self...not who I am inside (although that has seen some changes, also)...but more a drastic altering of where my life is heading. I'm not Dale's wife anymore...and that has led me through a major identity crisis.

All this considered though, I pray that if Our Heavenly Father decides to bless my life with another relationship, I will be able to work through my tendencies to compare the new to the old.

--hide--
Another thought -- if you're looking for a replacement, you're out of luck. We who were married and have lost our spouses shouldn't be looking for a replacement. It goes back to the thought that each person is unique -- no human clones exist. We need to examine and evaluate our current situations so we can seek wisely.

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