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A place to learn, mingle, and share

This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
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Feeling Guilty

Oct 28th 2012 new

I have this feeling sometimes that I am cheating on my late wife when I am on CM in hopes to find a friend/ companion/ wife, however it works out. It was death do us part physically but not mentaly, has a year and a half not been long enough to adjust? Does anyone else have these thoughts?

Dave

Oct 28th 2012 new

(Quote) David-891108 said: I have this feeling sometimes that I am cheating on my late wife when I am on CM in hopes to find...
(Quote) David-891108 said:

I have this feeling sometimes that I am cheating on my late wife when I am on CM in hopes to find a friend/ companion/ wife, however it works out. It was death do us part physically but not mentaly, has a year and a half not been long enough to adjust? Does anyone else have these thoughts?

Dave

--hide--


Each person adjust in his or her own time. I had some of those same feelings and it took me over 4 1/2 years to finally feel that I was no longer married. Actually, it was a shock when I realized I was single...as strange as that seems. I think you are quite normal, David. Be kind to yourself. I have come to realize that there is a reason the words "till death do us part" are in marriage vows.


I heard a deacon say in an RCIA class that the reason we seek marriage is because we want to connect with God in our marriage relationship. When I first heard him say that I had to spend time thinking about how that could be. Then I remembered the words of the Bible that say, "When two or more are gathered in my name, I am in their midst." My memory of my marriage reminds me that, though I find God in many places, I did experience the presence of God in my loving relationship with my husband, and that may be why I would welcome another well-matched marriage with God at the center of our lives.


I hope my view helps you, David. By far, the loss of a spouse has been the hardest battle I have ever fought, but I have finally come to find peace in that loss and am hopeful for a new future.


Wising you God's blessings,


- Elizabeth

Oct 28th 2012 new

(Quote) David-891108 said: I have this feeling sometimes that I am cheating on my late wife when I am on CM in hopes to find...
(Quote) David-891108 said:

I have this feeling sometimes that I am cheating on my late wife when I am on CM in hopes to find a friend/ companion/ wife, however it works out. It was death do us part physically but not mentaly, has a year and a half not been long enough to adjust? Does anyone else have these thoughts?

Dave

--hide--


David, I am so sorry that you feel guilty; you really need to look at it in a different way, and that way is that, even though your wife is gone, she would not want you to be alone the rest of your life. She loved you enough to wish that you live a happy and full life, event if it means that you will have to do it with someone else. When my husband passed away 2 years ago, we had a lot of time to talk and he gave me a lot of "instructions" before he died; one of the things he told me was not only that he loved me very much, but he also said, "don't be alone the rest of your life; you need to be happy and you need to be with someone else. I'm sorry I can't stay longer." I know he approves of my looking for happiness elsewhere now and I don't feel guilty. I think that as my husband looks at me from Heaven he is saying, "yes, you're doing the right thing, go for it!" and I believe your wife is saying the same thing to you. God bless.

Oct 28th 2012 new

(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said: Each person adjust in his or her own time. I had some of those same feelings and...
(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said:


Each person adjust in his or her own time. I had some of those same feelings and it took me over 4 1/2 years to finally feel that I was no longer married. Actually, it was a shock when I realized I was single...as strange as that seems. I think you are quite normal, David. Be kind to yourself. I have come to realize that there is a reason the words "till death do us part" are in marriage vows.


I heard a deacon say in an RCIA class that the reason we seek marriage is because we want to connect with God in our marriage relationship. When I first heard him say that I had to spend time thinking about how that could be. Then I remembered the words of the Bible that say, "When two or more are gathered in my name, I am in their midst." My memory of my marriage reminds me that, though I find God in many places, I did experience the presence of God in my loving relationship with my husband, and that may be why I would welcome another well-matched marriage with God at the center of our lives.


I hope my view helps you, David. By far, the loss of a spouse has been the hardest battle I have ever fought, but I have finally come to find peace in that loss and am hopeful for a new future.


Wising you God's blessings,


- Elizabeth

--hide--


Elizabeth, thank you for your comments. It's true, we all adjust at our own pace, but one thing I want to say is that you're right. It was and still is sometimes a shock to me to be "single" and I have had to say it to myself often. I am single. I did what I was supposed to do and promised when I took my vows in the Church 36 years ago. I stayed until "death did us part." It wasn't my choice that my husband died, but the reality is that he is gone and I am "single" and can't get used to people not calling me "Mrs. Yoos." I still wear my wedding band and I don't know when I will take it off, but probably not until I have found the next Mr. Right with whom I will share my life.

Oct 28th 2012 new

(Quote) Maria-846262 said: Elizabeth, thank you for your comments. It's true, we all adjust at our...
(Quote) Maria-846262 said:


Elizabeth, thank you for your comments. It's true, we all adjust at our own pace, but one thing I want to say is that you're right. It was and still is sometimes a shock to me to be "single" and I have had to say it to myself often. I am single. I did what I was supposed to do and promised when I took my vows in the Church 36 years ago. I stayed until "death did us part." It wasn't my choice that my husband died, but the reality is that he is gone and I am "single" and can't get used to people not calling me "Mrs. Yoos." I still wear my wedding band and I don't know when I will take it off, but probably not until I have found the next Mr. Right with whom I will share my life.

--hide--


Thank you for your comments, Maria. I wasn't fortunate enough to have that last conversation with David. He died suddenly. I'm told that is part of the reason that it took me so long to adjust. I just wasn't prepared. But, as I remember some of the things he said in that last year, I think he knew because he told me on several occasions that I was strong and capable and could manage life on my own if I needed to. I always told him I wasn't that tough. I am not so sure I am that tough, but I have survived. I was told I should stop wearing my wedding ring by many of my friends. After 3 years, I did. But, I had it melted into a beautiful pendant and still wear it on occasion.


I have learned that in spite of what I am seeing in my life, it is easy to see God has been there through it all, when I look back. During those times, when I didn't think I could go forward, I can now see that God made things happened that got me through. So now instead of looking at what is going on around me, I often look forward to the hope of tomorrow, because I know God is walking with me and guiding me there. And, what has been very nice to find is that there are a lot of nice Catholic men out there who are looking to find nice Catholic women. This was a surprise to me. Since I originally didn't want to date my husband who turned out to be a great spouse for 34 years, I'm tying to keep an open mind this time.

Reading the stories of other widows and widowers on CM has been very helpful and given me the assurance that I am not nuts and that the process of grieving is unique in many ways and the same in many others. Thankfully, I am at the point of pleasantly anticipating the future God has planned for me and all of us who will trust Him. It's that trust issue is can be a real stickler sometimes. flamed duck


- Elizabeth

Oct 28th 2012 new

(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said: Thank you for your comments, Maria. I wasn't fortunate enough to have that l...
(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said:


Thank you for your comments, Maria. I wasn't fortunate enough to have that last conversation with David. He died suddenly. I'm told that is part of the reason that it took me so long to adjust. I just wasn't prepared. But, as I remember some of the things he said in that last year, I think he knew because he told me on several occasions that I was strong and capable and could manage life on my own if I needed to. I always told him I wasn't that tough. I am not so sure I am that tough, but I have survived. I was told I should stop wearing my wedding ring by many of my friends. After 3 years, I did. But, I had it melted into a beautiful pendant and still wear it on occasion.


I have learned that in spite of what I am seeing in my life, it is easy to see God has been there through it all, when I look back. During those times, when I didn't think I could go forward, I can now see that God made things happened that got me through. So now instead of looking at what is going on around me, I often look forward to the hope of tomorrow, because I know God is walking with me and guiding me there. And, what has been very nice to find is that there are a lot of nice Catholic men out there who are looking to find nice Catholic women. This was a surprise to me. Since I originally didn't want to date my husband who turned out to be a great spouse for 34 years, I'm tying to keep an open mind this time.

Reading the stories of other widows and widowers on CM has been very helpful and given me the assurance that I am not nuts and that the process of grieving is unique in many ways and the same in many others. Thankfully, I am at the point of pleasantly anticipating the future God has planned for me and all of us who will trust Him. It's that trust issue is can be a real stickler sometimes.


- Elizabeth

--hide--


Thank you, Elizabeth. We weren't quite prepared for my husband's death either. One day he was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and 3 months later he was dead. I appreciate your sharing with us your story and how you've dealt with it.

Oct 28th 2012 new

(Quote) David-891108 said: I have this feeling sometimes that I am cheating on my late wife when I am on CM in hopes to find...
(Quote) David-891108 said:

I have this feeling sometimes that I am cheating on my late wife when I am on CM in hopes to find a friend/ companion/ wife, however it works out. It was death do us part physically but not mentaly, has a year and a half not been long enough to adjust? Does anyone else have these thoughts?

Dave

--hide--
You're not alone having such feelings. However, if you use cold logic, whom are you cheating if you find a friend/companion or even another wife? Unfortunately, your wife has departed from earth, and, as someone bluntly mentioned to me about my late wife, "She isn't coming back." Ouch -- a real dose of reality.

But it's true. Neither one of our wive's is coming back physically. We have fulfilled our obligation to remain with each other until 'death do us part". Now we are "free" to see, another. There's no doubt that the memory of your wife will be with you for the rest of your days. You can't just blot out all those years. They existed in the past; now they're gone. If you could change things, I'm sure you'd want her back, but it isn't possible.

It may be an odd feeling to date again. It takes some mental adjustment, but you can work on convincing yourself that it's ok. As far as being "ready", well, that's a different matter. There isn't a timetable or schedule for grieving, and 1 1/2 years isn't an unusual length of time. Circumstances surrounding your loss can influence the time element, insofar as if her departure was sudden and unexpected, or if she was suffering from a long-term illness. No matter what though, we're never truly prepared for the impact such a loss has. We need to muddle our way through the grieving process, re-evaluate ourselves, and do some re-inventing. There comes a time (usually the final step in the grieving process) of acceptance of reality. Once you reach that stage, you will be in a better position to seek another relationship. To try it too early isn't fair to the person of interest or yourself.

But....no matter what happens, you aren't cheating on your late wife. I'm sure she appreciates your faithfulness in her spiritual world, but she would not obligate you to dwell obsessively on her. A dedicated spouse wants his/her mate to seek happiness; I'm sure that's what she would want for you.

Oct 28th 2012 new

Thank you all for your insight and thoughts! I just put my 3 and 4 year old granddaughters to bed now I can respond. This may be part of the way I am thinking is I haven't had time to think. We were raising our sons daughters when my wife passed and the job was left to me, which was a blessing because it has kept me busy but I haven't had much time to process everything. It really helps to learn from all of you that I am not way out in left field lost. Thankyou very much and God bless.

Nov 3rd 2012 new

Dearest Dave,
I am a nurse and have seen death up close and then it happened my husband of eight years died last year. We had a great life together but he was a lover of life and a generous man. I know that he would not want me to be lonely or sad as he was my cheerleader! Dave there is no one correct way to respond to loss. While there are some common processes that people must undergo to learn to live healthfully with a major loss, everyone will go about these in their unique fashion. Be careful about comparing your experiences with those of others. Remembering that this is a process and not a state you will stay stuck in, give yourself permission to express your reactions in ways that work for you. Give yourself permission to live and to be loved. People say I am sorry for your loss and I thank them but I know in my heart my husband in in purgatory praying for me to find a partner so that we can help each other to heaven by loving again. I in turn I am praying for his soul so that he can be cleansed and be with our Lord that is the greatest expression of love.


God Bless you in your time of hurting may you find someone you can share your life.



Nov 3rd 2012 new
(Quote) David-891108 said: Thank you all for your insight and thoughts! I just put my 3 and 4 year old granddaughters to bed now I can res...
(Quote) David-891108 said:

Thank you all for your insight and thoughts! I just put my 3 and 4 year old granddaughters to bed now I can respond. This may be part of the way I am thinking is I haven't had time to think. We were raising our sons daughters when my wife passed and the job was left to me, which was a blessing because it has kept me busy but I haven't had much time to process everything. It really helps to learn from all of you that I am not way out in left field lost. Thankyou very much and God bless.

--hide--


I realize the loss of my son is not the same as losing a spouse but I just wanted to let you know I find journaling helpful. And sharing with others what I am feeling at the time. For me allowing another to get close enough to share what my thoughts are tend to be the hardest part because when I grieve most of the time I would like to go to my room and lie down in the fetal position. You have my prayers as you continue your journey to a life that includes happiness.
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