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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Nov 15th 2012 new

(Quote) Cathy-620979 said: Following on some of the discussions about everyone being too picky, I found three blog posts I w...
(Quote) Cathy-620979 said:

Following on some of the discussions about everyone being too picky, I found three blog posts I wanted to mention:

1) www.psychologytoday.com

"The Myth of One True Love Per Lifetime

"Whoever said we only have one true soulmate?

"One of the greatest challenges I see people facing as they look for a lasting relationship is the misguided search for ‘The One.’ If you are single, ask yourself as you read this whether you truly believe there is one soul mate you’re destined to be with. Thanks to Hollywood films and the rabid Hallmark culture in which we live, we have been socialized to believe there is one – and only one - person with whom we truly belong."

2) dalrock.wordpress.com

“The one” vs “my one and only”

"One of the more toxic ideas in our culture is the idea of “the one”. This concept is the foundation for women’s sacred path to marriage; once a woman finds “the one”, everything will be right and honoring her marriage vows will be easy.

…….

"It isn’t just others whom women are fooling when they think this way; they are also fooling themselves. Looking for the one to marry and remain faithful to is actually feral female behavior dressed up as self discipline and morality. They have perverted the lifetime marriage concept of “my one and only” by substituting in the Lifetime idea of the perfect man. Due to their solipsism what they can’t see is this perfect man is essentially the same perfect man all of the other women seeking “the one” are looking for."

3) www.overcomingbias.com

"Why underestimate acceptable partners?

"The romantic view of romance in Western culture says a very small fraction of people would make a great partner for you, customarily one.

"Some clues suggest that in fact quite a large fraction of people would make a suitable spouse for a given person. Arranged marriages apparently go pretty well rather than terribly. Relationships are often formed between the only available people in a small group, forced together. ‘If I didn’t have you‘ by Tim Minchin is funny. It could be that relationships chosen in constrained circumstances are a lot worse than others, though I haven’t heard that. But they are at least common enough that people find them worthwhile. And the fraction of very good mates must be at least a lot greater than suggested by the romantic view, as evidenced by people ever finding them.

"So it seems we overstate the rarity of good matches. Why would we do that?"

--hide--


All are very good points and ones that I agree with. It's easy to get wrapped up in the concept of "the one" and to make them the cure all for life and its problems when it comes to relationships. It does seem like it's a damaging thing to do, because so much value is put into that person that when a person acts human and disappoints us, then it's that much more disappointing and might even harden ones heart. I really enjoyed the second point when talking about being "my one and only". I've loved that expression since I heard it in a song by Queensryche and have felt pretty much the same way that the author was describing. That we marry and that person is our "one and only" and not a case of marrying "the one". Must admit I've always fantasized of making that a common expression to my wife (God willing). Anyway, I would agree that there's more than just one person for us and that it's a matter of finding someone who works and then being faithful. Thank you for the article, Cathy.

Nov 17th 2012 new

(Quote) Cathy-620979 said: Following on some of the discussions about everyone being too picky, I found three blog posts I w...
(Quote) Cathy-620979 said:

Following on some of the discussions about everyone being too picky, I found three blog posts I wanted to mention:

1) www.psychologytoday.com

"The Myth of One True Love Per Lifetime

"Whoever said we only have one true soulmate?

"One of the greatest challenges I see people facing as they look for a lasting relationship is the misguided search for ‘The One.’ If you are single, ask yourself as you read this whether you truly believe there is one soul mate you’re destined to be with. Thanks to Hollywood films and the rabid Hallmark culture in which we live, we have been socialized to believe there is one – and only one - person with whom we truly belong."

2) dalrock.wordpress.com

“The one” vs “my one and only”

"One of the more toxic ideas in our culture is the idea of “the one”. This concept is the foundation for women’s sacred path to marriage; once a woman finds “the one”, everything will be right and honoring her marriage vows will be easy.

…….

"It isn’t just others whom women are fooling when they think this way; they are also fooling themselves. Looking for the one to marry and remain faithful to is actually feral female behavior dressed up as self discipline and morality. They have perverted the lifetime marriage concept of “my one and only” by substituting in the Lifetime idea of the perfect man. Due to their solipsism what they can’t see is this perfect man is essentially the same perfect man all of the other women seeking “the one” are looking for."

3) www.overcomingbias.com

"Why underestimate acceptable partners?

"The romantic view of romance in Western culture says a very small fraction of people would make a great partner for you, customarily one.

"Some clues suggest that in fact quite a large fraction of people would make a suitable spouse for a given person. Arranged marriages apparently go pretty well rather than terribly. Relationships are often formed between the only available people in a small group, forced together. ‘If I didn’t have you‘ by Tim Minchin is funny. It could be that relationships chosen in constrained circumstances are a lot worse than others, though I haven’t heard that. But they are at least common enough that people find them worthwhile. And the fraction of very good mates must be at least a lot greater than suggested by the romantic view, as evidenced by people ever finding them.

"So it seems we overstate the rarity of good matches. Why would we do that?"

--hide--


The first article makes me uncomfortable because the author is making the case that there can be more than one true love, which opens the door to polyamorous relationships, which he alludes to at the end of his article. So I really don't take much stock in that article.

The second article had a commenter "Okrahead" who says:

An older, wise preacher friend of mine (now passed on) used to comment that for him to maintain a successful marriage he and his wife had to be fully committed to pleasing God… because they could never fully please each other. He explained that he did not expect any woman to be able to commit to him for a lifetime for who he was; rather he expected his wife to commit to him because of her commitment to God.

I think this statement speaks volumes to how a marriage should be. I bolded what I thought is key to our understanding (or lack thereof) of the Sacrament and man's nature. We are not perfect, so to expect someone to complete us is illogical. In Theology of the Body, JPII explained that marriage prepares us for the Beatific Vision in which we are consumed in perfect love from God and we return that love back to Him. God loves us so much that He sacrificed His own Son for us. While we are called to make sacrifices out of love for Him in any stage of life, marriage focuses this acutely to one person. For those who are prepared for marriage, they are called to love one person in a very distinct way. This love strives to help the other reach Heaven and to help prepare them for the Beatific Vision. So as the commenter above said, we cannot complete nor can we fully please each other, because that is not our job. Our job is to sacrifice and pray for each other while being committed to this task.

I agree with the third article. There can be literally thousands of people who can match up with us, but I think the problem lies in free will. Maybe two people who meet could actually have a very happy and successful marriage, but one or both choose not to pursue that route for various reasons. C'est la vie. It just goes to show that sometimes you need to give that other person a chance. I mean, what do you have to lose?

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