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Devoted to discussion pertaining to those issues which are specifically relevant to people 45+. Topics must have a specific perspective of people in this age group for it to be on topic.

The story of Abraham and Sarah is told in chapters 11-25 of the book of Genesis.
Learn More:Abraham & Sarah

Nov 9th 2012 new

Welcome to the forums, John. You have presented very interesting observations for us to consider. Thank you.


- Elizabeth

Nov 9th 2012 new

(Quote) John-904878 said: I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been marrie...
(Quote) John-904878 said:

I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been married (i.e. someone who is not divorced or widowed)


For example, I have seen things like.......

Other things said are like this............


2. someone who is older and unmarried has not developed the skills necessary to have a serious relationship leading to marriage, whereas someone who is divorced or widowed, or who has experienced long term relationships really knows the ropes and what it takes. They are relationship pros, so to speak.

As with my experience with younger and older vocational prospects who have gone from pillar to post in their journey, I would actually be concerned about the ability to live the give and take of marriage in the case of one who has had serial failures in relationships. That is not a demonstration of skills in relationship; perhaps it is the opposite, in fact. In my vocational work, the serial monk was not considered very hopeful. 'Why has he not been able to settle into a committed form of religious life?' I have known many, and they did not work out....

I am not accusing such people--some of whom have been unjustly treated in relationships--of being bad people. And we should hope that 'relationship so-called pros' would also not make blanket assumptions about an older person who has never been married.

Remember the seven Capital Vices: Pride, Envy, Avarice, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. ME and you are all of these as a result of original sin. Yes, even those who have been in serial relationships. We all need forgiveness and and all should be given a chance. You might be the loser.

You are all in my heartfelt prayers before our Eucharistic Lord

--hide--



Hi John,


I would like to make a comment on your second example.... We are called to immitate Jesus... He is our role model.... I suggest folks pray the Sorrowful Mystery and contemplate Jesus' reaction to those beating Him, mocking Him and persecuting Him.... What did Jesus do? He did not scream at them, yell at them... he forgave them. It is harder for us to forgive because we do not love like Him, but we are called to do so, so if it is hard, too bad, glorify God not Satan and ask Him to help us forgive and offer the pain up to Christ for the offender so they will be more loving. You men out there, think of what God expects us to do as husbands, Eph 5, "Husbands, love your wife like Christ loves His bride, the Church" When I pray on these mysteries, I think of how He handled trials and poor situations and by doing so, I am training my body to love. An older person may have the benefit of making a greater marriage for they may have endured many trials in life of the ups and downs and if a Christian has trained themself on the ways of Jesus, they can love deeper and be more patient in times of adjusting. They may have longed for a relationship for some time and thus have a deeper appreciation for their spouse, because they have been patient on God bringing them their spouse. But, a so called Christian who lived by themself who never trained themself to love, may be to selfish to give in a relationship. I think any age, a person needs to focus on Christ, for He being love is our model.... The Christian deeper into Love, will greatly add to a relationship because the closer you grow to Jesus, the closer you grow to knowing and being like Him who again is Love in perfection. The spectrum is this, Satan (totally selfish) on the bottom end and God, (totally giving, total love) on the top of the spectrum. The closer one is to Christ, the closer one is to love and more able to give, but the person closer to Satan, the more selfish and most taking they are and less giving.... The relationship that will be the best is the one closer to God, age has no factor... living alone has no factor, it is where do we fall in this spectrum and how close to God/Love are we?


James 4:8 "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you". Can we also say, "Draw nearer to Love and Love will draw nearer to you".


God bless you and thanks for your post...

Gary

Nov 9th 2012 new

Hi John,


I reread my post, please note, when I stated Jesus did not yell at them when He was beaten, He did not yell at them.... I want to make perfectly clear that I was not meaning you....... I was trying to make a point about us being hurt by others, such as in a divorce or trials some go through.... So, if you took it that way, I wanted to quickly correct any misunderstanding. I hope you did not read it that way.. :-)

Thanks,
Gary

Nov 9th 2012 new

(Quote) John-904878 said: I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been marrie...
(Quote) John-904878 said:

I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been married (i.e. someone who is not divorced or widowed)


For example, I have seen things like.......

1. such a person would not be able at an older age to adjust to living with another person, because (s)he has lived for him/herself for all these years (Yes, I actually read that here--yes.)


That is absolutely unbelievable, and anyone who is older and single, and who has read that, should be offended at being accused of a lifetime of self-absorption...........


Now, I should add that there can be a challenge in this regard for an older person to adjust to the give and take, being perhaps more set in their ways. So I fully acknowledge that.


I will just use myself as an example: I realize I am a pretty unusual 'apple' here on CM..............I have just spent over 22 years as a cloistered monk in an Eastern Catholic monastery. I have never been married, obviously, though I hope to be, once Rome permits it. Do you know the give and take required to live such a life? There is no vacation, no day off, no opportunity to just take off to blow off steam..If you have an interpersonal challenge, you DO NOT shun the other, but forgive instantly and carry on and pray for one another. There is no room for ignoring or shouting at another. The give and take, the little humiliations you receive from GOOD, HOLY people make the monastic life anything but a life of self absorption. As a cloistered monk, there is no opportunity to get out of the aquarium you share...with many different temperaments. There is virtually no such thing as free time--and what there is, is part of a very tight schedule, all of which is obligatory.


I was Director of Vocations, Director of the Retreat House, Assistant Superior, Assistant Novice Master, Novice Master, Finance Officer (and most enjoyably, chicken keeper!!) at various times over 22 years. You could say that I have been a father 20 times over. I know what it is like to mentor younger or older adults who give you 'pie in the face'. And do you reject them. NO, you love them and embrace them.........


I say this not to sound arrogant (I am arrogant already, so don't worry. I know!). But I just want to caution people from making generalizations about an older person who has never been married. ESPECIALLY in the assumption that they are now just too wrapped up in themselves to really love another person. Careful careful...............


As a final note on No. 1., I would like to mention that, in my vocational work, older vocations needed to be screened with a bit more caution. Why? Because there is a danger for such to be 'solemnly professed bachelors', unable to adapt to the rigorous give and take and forgiveness needed for monastic life. So I DO understand the concerns in this matter


Other things said are like this............


2. someone who is older and unmarried has not developed the skills necessary to have a serious relationship leading to marriage, whereas someone who is divorced or widowed, or who has experienced long term relationships really knows the ropes and what it takes. They are relationship pros, so to speak.

As with my experience with younger and older vocational prospects who have gone from pillar to post in their journey, I would actually be concerned about the ability to live the give and take of marriage in the case of one who has had serial failures in relationships. That is not a demonstration of skills in relationship; perhaps it is the opposite, in fact. In my vocational work, the serial monk was not considered very hopeful. 'Why has he not been able to settle into a committed form of religious life?' I have known many, and they did not work out....

I am not accusing such people--some of whom have been unjustly treated in relationships--of being bad people. And we should hope that 'relationship so-called pros' would also not make blanket assumptions about an older person who has never been married.

Remember the seven Capital Vices: Pride, Envy, Avarice, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. ME and you are all of these as a result of original sin. Yes, even those who have been in serial relationships. We all need forgiveness and and all should be given a chance. You might be the loser.

You are all in my heartfelt prayers before our Eucharistic Lord

--hide--
John, I would second what Joanna wrote. You're abilty to forgive instantly is an advantage that probably puts you way ahead of most of us here. I can imagine many women would find you to be a fascinating guy.

Good fortune and Blessings~ theheart

Nov 9th 2012 new

hey folks. thanks for replies.

I do think it is very important to realize that this post is utterly not about me at all. I am not in the running currently, other than for 'mere' friendship--which is the way to start, is it not?--because of my situation.


I am posting this for the sake of all you out there who may be on either the giving or receiving end of the equation.


Yes, I am inordinately prideful. But I can at least 'boast' that this thread wasn't started as a means of telling the ladies, "Hey girls, give a guy a chance." I'll come back and do that when Rome lets me give smooches!!! LOL

My situation is why I am only on here for one month.....................then, poof......away i go!

Nov 9th 2012 new
Gary, I think you have made some great points and got me thinking as well. I do think that there can be greater appreciation of the relationship when you are older and have prayed that God bring that special person into your life. I also believe that as I have grown I realize that I don't need a man in my life but that I want a man in my life and that makes a big difference.
Nov 10th 2012 new

(Quote) Gary-916309 said: Hi John, I would like to make a comment on your second example.... We are ...
(Quote) Gary-916309 said:




Hi John,


I would like to make a comment on your second example.... We are called to immitate Jesus... He is our role model.... I suggest folks pray the Sorrowful Mystery and contemplate Jesus' reaction to those beating Him, mocking Him and persecuting Him.... What did Jesus do? He did not scream at them, yell at them... he forgave them. It is harder for us to forgive because we do not love like Him, but we are called to do so, so if it is hard, too bad, glorify God not Satan and ask Him to help us forgive and offer the pain up to Christ for the offender so they will be more loving. You men out there, think of what God expects us to do as husbands, Eph 5, "Husbands, love your wife like Christ loves His bride, the Church" When I pray on these mysteries, I think of how He handled trials and poor situations and by doing so, I am training my body to love. An older person may have the benefit of making a greater marriage for they may have endured many trials in life of the ups and downs and if a Christian has trained themself on the ways of Jesus, they can love deeper and be more patient in times of adjusting. They may have longed for a relationship for some time and thus have a deeper appreciation for their spouse, because they have been patient on God bringing them their spouse. But, a so called Christian who lived by themself who never trained themself to love, may be to selfish to give in a relationship. I think any age, a person needs to focus on Christ, for He being love is our model.... The Christian deeper into Love, will greatly add to a relationship because the closer you grow to Jesus, the closer you grow to knowing and being like Him who again is Love in perfection. The spectrum is this, Satan (totally selfish) on the bottom end and God, (totally giving, total love) on the top of the spectrum. The closer one is to Christ, the closer one is to love and more able to give, but the person closer to Satan, the more selfish and most taking they are and less giving.... The relationship that will be the best is the one closer to God, age has no factor... living alone has no factor, it is where do we fall in this spectrum and how close to God/Love are we?


James 4:8 "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you". Can we also say, "Draw nearer to Love and Love will draw nearer to you".


God bless you and thanks for your post...

Gary

--hide--

Amen Praying theheart

Thank you John for sharing your view on this.

Nov 10th 2012 new

(Quote) John-904878 said: I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been marrie...
(Quote) John-904878 said:

I have read here that some seekers on CM look askance at an older person who has never been married (i.e. someone who is not divorced or widowed)


For example, I have seen things like.......

1. such a person would not be able at an older age to adjust to living with another person, because (s)he has lived for him/herself for all these years (Yes, I actually read that here--yes.)


That is absolutely unbelievable, and anyone who is older and single, and who has read that, should be offended at being accused of a lifetime of self-absorption...........


Now, I should add that there can be a challenge in this regard for an older person to adjust to the give and take, being perhaps more set in their ways. So I fully acknowledge that.


I will just use myself as an example: I realize I am a pretty unusual 'apple' here on CM..............I have just spent over 22 years as a cloistered monk in an Eastern Catholic monastery. I have never been married, obviously, though I hope to be, once Rome permits it. Do you know the give and take required to live such a life? There is no vacation, no day off, no opportunity to just take off to blow off steam..If you have an interpersonal challenge, you DO NOT shun the other, but forgive instantly and carry on and pray for one another. There is no room for ignoring or shouting at another. The give and take, the little humiliations you receive from GOOD, HOLY people make the monastic life anything but a life of self absorption. As a cloistered monk, there is no opportunity to get out of the aquarium you share...with many different temperaments. There is virtually no such thing as free time--and what there is, is part of a very tight schedule, all of which is obligatory.


I was Director of Vocations, Director of the Retreat House, Assistant Superior, Assistant Novice Master, Novice Master, Finance Officer (and most enjoyably, chicken keeper!!) at various times over 22 years. You could say that I have been a father 20 times over. I know what it is like to mentor younger or older adults who give you 'pie in the face'. And do you reject them. NO, you love them and embrace them.........


I say this not to sound arrogant (I am arrogant already, so don't worry. I know!). But I just want to caution people from making generalizations about an older person who has never been married. ESPECIALLY in the assumption that they are now just too wrapped up in themselves to really love another person. Careful careful...............


As a final note on No. 1., I would like to mention that, in my vocational work, older vocations needed to be screened with a bit more caution. Why? Because there is a danger for such to be 'solemnly professed bachelors', unable to adapt to the rigorous give and take and forgiveness needed for monastic life. So I DO understand the concerns in this matter


Other things said are like this............


2. someone who is older and unmarried has not developed the skills necessary to have a serious relationship leading to marriage, whereas someone who is divorced or widowed, or who has experienced long term relationships really knows the ropes and what it takes. They are relationship pros, so to speak.

As with my experience with younger and older vocational prospects who have gone from pillar to post in their journey, I would actually be concerned about the ability to live the give and take of marriage in the case of one who has had serial failures in relationships. That is not a demonstration of skills in relationship; perhaps it is the opposite, in fact. In my vocational work, the serial monk was not considered very hopeful. 'Why has he not been able to settle into a committed form of religious life?' I have known many, and they did not work out....

I am not accusing such people--some of whom have been unjustly treated in relationships--of being bad people. And we should hope that 'relationship so-called pros' would also not make blanket assumptions about an older person who has never been married.

Remember the seven Capital Vices: Pride, Envy, Avarice, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. ME and you are all of these as a result of original sin. Yes, even those who have been in serial relationships. We all need forgiveness and and all should be given a chance. You might be the loser.

You are all in my heartfelt prayers before our Eucharistic Lord

--hide--

I dated a Girl briefly, 36 divorced with kids, who told me that when she was in College one of her Sociology professors said that "anyone who wasn't married before the age of 30 was probably not Marriage material". I laughed and asked her what he said about being over 30 and divorced? She didnt have a response... i guess he never said anything about that. Just goes to show you some of the dufus thoughts in Academia.

Nov 10th 2012 new

they could have false teeth

Nov 10th 2012 new
(Quote) Joanna-615441 said: You may be more prepared for the married life than most
(Quote) Joanna-615441 said:






You may be more prepared for the married life than most

--hide--


Agreed. He may not have been married to a woman, but I would contend that he definitely maintained a long-term relationship or commitment with his vocation.
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