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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

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Men, kids, and adoption

Nov 19th 2012 new

Hi everyone,

I'm 42 and would love to have a family. However, because of my age and the higher risk of birth defects, at this point I'd rather adopt kids. When I tell most men this, I never hear from them again.

Yes, I understand that there is a biological or evolutionary desire to have one's own children. I would've liked to do that too, have one kid and then adopt others. But why are men so against adoption? It seems rather egotistical to me. How do they know that they can necessarily father a child? I'm just so tired of being rejected for something that I don't have any control over, and tired of feeling like a cow, being evaluated for my procreative abilities. If I were a man I would look first for a woman I'm attracted to, who treats me well, and who I can get along with. But most men don't seem to have much common sense in this regard.

For the men out there, when is a good time to bring up the subject? Right away, so I find out sooner rather than later that they just don't want to adopt? Or wait until things are serious? How can I present things so I don't get rejected? I'm just so tired of it, it doesn't feel good when I have so much else that I can bring to a relationship.

Colleen

Nov 19th 2012 new

Cara,

At the risk of sounding insensitive, why would you give up on yourself first? Unless you've already been told you have a condition or are genetically pre-disposed... the chances of you having a perfectly healthy baby far outweigh conditions such as Downs Syndrome.

I think maybe you're putting the cart before the horse on this one. In the same manner you would never offer up all of your secret shortcomings unless you're with really good friends, why would you even bring this up? My suggestion is not to bring it up at all. Find a man you love first, marry him, and if for some reason you can't have your own then cross the Rubicon together.

No offense gentlemen, but I have found that most men are easily overwhelmed with these kind of topics because they don't hear "I would like to adopt", they hear "let's get married". I think they are running from that commitment, not the adoption.

Again, my apologies to the men out there.

C

Nov 19th 2012 new

Thanks for your input, Carmen, rather insightful.

Yes I know that lots of women have healthy babies, but I'm not "lot's of women." I'm me. I got information from my doctor, and the fact is that starting at about my age the chance of having a miscarriage is 1 pregnacy out of two, and the chance of having a child with a genetic "abnormality" is 1 in 20.

I see girlfriends trying to raise a child who has a developmental disability or autism. It is really not easy. I would like to avoid this. Since I would never abort a child who has such a condition, it seems to me that the best alternative is to adopt. And isn't that good for some child or children out there who need love, anyways?

Nov 19th 2012 new

Colleen, you are correct about everything you say; however, in my humble opinion...still better to not have that conversation with a potential mate.

Here is what I mean: I've had five children. After I had my second c-sect they said no way could I have a vbac. After my fourth c-sect they changed that "rule" based on new "scientific research". I chose to have a fifth c-sect anyway because my children just never want to exit, but other women in my situation have gone on to have normal births.

You're just not at the point where you even have to worry about a baby yet. Of course the doctor will always tell you worst case scenario because they need to cover themselves legally, but you just don't know where science is going to be when you are ready to have children. I'm just saying, don't rule it out. With God all things are possible.

For now, don't scare the menfolk away by worrying about something you may never have to. They take one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. This kind of info is TMI system overload to most guys. Concentrate on finding that wonderful man first and he'll support you in whatever happens WHEN you get there.

Easy for her to say...is probably what you're thinking. Wrong. It took five years for me to conceive the first child. Kaiser told me we were infertile. We moved out of state and low and behold all I had was endometriosis. 20 min laser surgery later and the world will never be the same again. I cried valleys of tears in those years and He repaid each year I put my life and faith in His hands with a little angel.

Be at peace. Only God knows His plans for you, plans for good and not evil.

I should really take my own advice one of these days, lol.

Nov 20th 2012 new
Cara As a guy and im only speaking for myself here, your insistance on not having a baby and wanting to adopt says two things to me. One is that you are so sure that the Drs right that you would consider violating church teachings. How do I infer this you ask. Because there are only two ways to prevent pregnancy. Abstain or BC. Abstaining is allowed form grave reasons but I dont see one here. And BC we already know about. So....... The second one is a little harder to see I suspect, but your trust in Drs instead of what God wants bothers me enough I might move to the next profile. I am not saying to use ones intellect, but Gods plans for you might be different than your own. Following His plan is much more meritorious. You are a fine looking woman with many good qualities. Dont shut out guys by insisting on this up front
Nov 20th 2012 new

Hi Cara:

I went from not wanting to have kids at all to risking my life and the babies to be open to the Lord (I have a blood clotting sindrome that doctors were just finding out back then and ha Heparine injections twice a day). I had aboy by an emergency C-section, a miscarriage (5 month old), a girl by natural birth, 4 miscarriages, and a boy by natural birth. From the oldest to the younguest, there a 3 years apart! Oh, my then husband made me get a tube ligation, and then I had microsurgery because I just could not live with myself. I felt as if I were closing myself to God's Graces...

I agree with Tim... some doctors are extremists and bombard us with Stats - and we let them!... Do consult with a priest and a Catholic, PRACTICING, doctor. Remember how our grandmas had kids at the same time their older children were having theirs? No one told them about possible medical conditions (Operative Word: Possible). We just place too much trust in medicine (my grandfather was a surgeon, my brother is a surgeon, my brother in law is an ENT doct). They're NOT God, nor should they play it.

Children with Special Needs are just as adorable as the "mainstream" ones. I think God assigns their care to only very few, equally special parents. I could tell you countless stories about them! Just 2 for now! One of my classmates had a Down Sindrome girl at 25 (just when I was pregnant with my 1st one), and another one had one with something that's considered an "orphan Desease" because it's so rare... and she was about 32 years old.


My sis had Toxoplamosis with her 5th pregnancy... and my goddaughter is just fine, thank-u very much! wink Then there's my mom's sis who adopted 2 girls because doctors said her uterus was like a girls... and went on to have a boy & a girl! Go figure!

At the end, it's you and your relationship with God that should dictate how U proceed,

DO GIVE MEN CREDIT! Well, I think they're just wonderful creatures, and one should each have one by her side... laughing


Mari

Nov 21st 2012 new

Colleen, Hi. Good topic. I don't think all men are against adoption. Some of my married friends have adopted and have wonderful families. I am not against it. I am blessed with three children.

When is the best time to mention it? I think I understand the question. You want to know fairly soon. I think it would be okay to mention it on the first or second date. A question from me: Are you certain you want to do this, or is this something you're thinking about? It is a major thing, but something both of you will have to talk about anyway. If a guy is a family man, and he likes (eventually falls in love with) you, then he will embrace this idea. When you love a woman, you'll pull the moon down for her.



Nov 21st 2012 new
(Quote) Cara-345061 said: Hi everyone,I'm 42 and would love to have a family. However, because of my age and the higher risk ...
(Quote) Cara-345061 said:

Hi everyone,

I'm 42 and would love to have a family. However, because of my age and the higher risk of birth defects, at this point I'd rather adopt kids. When I tell most men this, I never hear from them again.

Yes, I understand that there is a biological or evolutionary desire to have one's own children. I would've liked to do that too, have one kid and then adopt others. But why are men so against adoption? It seems rather egotistical to me. How do they know that they can necessarily father a child? I'm just so tired of being rejected for something that I don't have any control over, and tired of feeling like a cow, being evaluated for my procreative abilities. If I were a man I would look first for a woman I'm attracted to, who treats me well, and who I can get along with. But most men don't seem to have much common sense in this regard.

For the men out there, when is a good time to bring up the subject? Right away, so I find out sooner rather than later that they just don't want to adopt? Or wait until things are serious? How can I present things so I don't get rejected? I'm just so tired of it, it doesn't feel good when I have so much else that I can bring to a relationship.

Colleen

--hide--


When is a good time to talk about it? I would prefer to know what the lady I am seeing prefers having children of our own, or adopting, either way is fine with me. When is kind of hard to say, it may depend on how things are going between you and your date. This discussion may need to wait until both of you decide if there will be further dating. It makes no sense in putting the cart before the horse, but talking about how many kids "we" might have, or adopt too early may be equated to "when are you buying me the ring dear?", and just scare someone off.
Nov 21st 2012 new

Colleen,
There are lots of reasons by men fear adoption....some good, some not so good.

Relationships are a lot about chemistry and the right person and the right time. I think its OK to be upfront early on but it needs coupled with rational on why you want to do this and how you hope to make it happen. Raising an adoptive child certainly carries a degree of risk. If a women that I was interested in expressed this desire I'd immediately want some type of reassurance that she isn't "baby crazy" and appreciates and understands what it entails.

Just my 2 cents.

-J

Nov 22nd 2012 new

me no fear

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