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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Nov 23rd 2012 new

(Quote) Carl-98335 said: I grew up in a family where expressing those types of emotions was frowned upon and suppressed. I c...
(Quote) Carl-98335 said:

I grew up in a family where expressing those types of emotions was frowned upon and suppressed. I carried that into my previous relationships. She would be in a bad mood, not willing to discuss the issue, and it would be the elephant in the room. As for me, if I was in a bad mood, I would make myself scarce so as not to burden her with my issues, trying to work things out on my own, for fear of letting my bad mood out on her.

Going forward, the Bible teaches me not to choose a nagging, vengeful wife (Proverbs speaks to this), so unless she and I can attack the problem together, compromise, and encourage each other (with God at the center of all of it), then I think it's doomed to failure.

Hope that made sense. My flu meds are kicking in.

--hide--
Carl,

Thanks for your views. In just a few words, the examples you wrote provided a rather dramatic picture of the unhealthful avoidances that can occur when two people have not become use to being allowed to express unpleasant emotions when the situation justifiies such expressions.

Trying to avoid unhealthful avoidances, thumbsup

John

Nov 23rd 2012 new

(Quote) Helen-450889 said: Eric, I really like your response.
(Quote) Helen-450889 said:

Eric, I really like your response.
--hide--


:)

Nov 23rd 2012 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: The basic question here is whether the expression of unpleasant emotions such as anger, irrita...
(Quote) John-184825 said:


The basic question here is whether the expression of unpleasant emotions such as anger, irritation and impatience is important, or at least very helpful, in maintaining any kind of romantic relationship including a marriage.

Rather than asking for answers in the usual form of opinions, I will ask a question whose answers will be evidence for or against the theory that says that feeling safe and free to express negative feelings in an appropriate way is very important factor in the maintenance of a romantic relationship.

The same question is posed both, on the one hand, to those whose marriages were unhappy and ended in divorce, and, on the other hand, to those whose marriages were happy and ended upon the loss of a spouse. The question is, "Did you express unpleasant emotions enough before the marriage so that you entered the marriage feeling free and safe about continuing to do that when needed by the situation?

Note that this is not an attempt to maneuver anyone into revealing private information which he wishes to remain concealed.

I wish not to irritate, but just to irrigate the flowers of love.

Wondering who'll believe that,

John

--hide--
Jesus Himself expressed many emotions including joy, happiness, sorrow, and anger. All were appropriate and controlled responses at the time. If these emotions which were handled in a proper way were appropriate for Our Savior, expressing them is concluded to be part of natural behavior for mankind.

Nov 23rd 2012 new

John,

I would have to respond that I withheld alot of confrontational emotions in as he would interpret it
as "nagging" and would end up in a fight that excluded the initial issue. Over time, he would use
the "fight" as an excuse to go out drinking. After a length of time, I started to lose respect for him
and as you can see, divorce.

You asked if I would feel safe to express those emotions and I would say not in that marriage. I
have had to work really hard to get to the point where I tell someone they have hurt my feelings
or actually disagree verbally instead of just in my head.

My new and improved self is to be direct and honest so there is never any question about the
conversation or disagreement and to listen before I react. I like me now.

Nov 23rd 2012 new
(Quote) Eric-114571 said: (Quote) Helen-450889 said: Eric, I really like your response. :)
(Quote) Eric-114571 said:

Quote:
Helen-450889 said:

Eric, I really like your response.



:)

--hide--


Eric is speechless! lol wink
Nov 23rd 2012 new

(Quote) Helen-450889 said: Eric is speechless! lol
(Quote) Helen-450889 said:

Eric is speechless! lol
--hide--


biggrin

Nov 23rd 2012 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: The basic question here is whether the expression of unpleasant emotions such as anger, irrita...
(Quote) John-184825 said:


The basic question here is whether the expression of unpleasant emotions such as anger, irritation and impatience is important, or at least very helpful, in maintaining any kind of romantic relationship including a marriage.

Rather than asking for answers in the usual form of opinions, I will ask a question whose answers will be evidence for or against the theory that says that feeling safe and free to express negative feelings in an appropriate way is very important factor in the maintenance of a romantic relationship.

The same question is posed both, on the one hand, to those whose marriages were unhappy and ended in divorce, and, on the other hand, to those whose marriages were happy and ended upon the loss of a spouse. The question is, "Did you express unpleasant emotions enough before the marriage so that you entered the marriage feeling free and safe about continuing to do that when needed by the situation?

Note that this is not an attempt to maneuver anyone into revealing private information which he wishes to remain concealed.

I wish not to irritate, but just to irrigate the flowers of love.

Wondering who'll believe that,

John

--hide--


First I want to say, that I think this is a very important topic. So, thanks John! We all like to put our best foot forward when we start a relationship so we might keep our emotions in check at first. But the more time we spend with someone the more our natural emotions will come out. Like many things, communication is key. Some people are more emotional than others and our history in relationships can affect how much we can tolerate in a partner.

Cat

Nov 25th 2012 new

(Quote) Eileen-890971 said: John, I would have to respond that I withheld alot of confrontational emotions in as he ...
(Quote) Eileen-890971 said:

John,

I would have to respond that I withheld alot of confrontational emotions in as he would interpret it
as "nagging" and would end up in a fight that excluded the initial issue. Over time, he would use
the "fight" as an excuse to go out drinking. After a length of time, I started to lose respect for him
and as you can see, divorce.

You asked if I would feel safe to express those emotions and I would say not in that marriage. I
have had to work really hard to get to the point where I tell someone they have hurt my feelings
or actually disagree verbally instead of just in my head.

My new and improved self is to be direct and honest so there is never any question about the
conversation or disagreement and to listen before I react. I like me now.

--hide--
Hi Eileen,

Thanks for relating your experiences.

From what has happen to you, what would you advise about making sure before engagement that the other party can deal with at least minor, unpleasant expressions such as of irritation and impatience from you? scratchchin

It's interesting how the new, "less friendly" you is more happy with herself. So what's your new slogan, "What matters is no more doormats for the Matts of the world?" laughing

Trying not to get matter and matter, shhh

John

Nov 25th 2012 new

(Quote) Cat-163322 said:First I want to say, that I think this is a very important topic. So, thanks John! We all like to p...
(Quote) Cat-163322 said:

First I want to say, that I think this is a very important topic. So, thanks John! We all like to put our best foot forward when we start a relationship so we might keep our emotions in check at first. But the more time we spend with someone the more our natural emotions will come out. Like many things, communication is key. Some people are more emotional than others and our history in relationships can affect how much we can tolerate in a partner.

Cat

--hide--
Hi Cat,

Thanks for letting me know that you think this is a worthwhile topic to explore. smile

In the thousands of profiles in Catholic Match members have all kinds of qualities they mention as desirable in a partner. I wonder how many people have something like this?

Must be able to accept that not all of the times when I express an unpleasant emotion toward you is it my fault. Of course this has to be mutual and I must be able to accept that not all of the times when you express unpleasant feelings toward me is it your fault. If we can't do this, either or both of us will be walking on eggshells all the time.

Is this a bad idea because it will scare too many away? scratchchin Is it a good idea because it will help eliminate the immature who can't deal appropriately with unpleasant emotions? scratchchin

Trying to figure out how to be pleasantly unpleasant, eyepopping shhh

John

Nov 25th 2012 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: Hi Cat, Thanks for letting me know that you think this is a worthwhile topic to explore.
(Quote) John-184825 said:

Hi Cat,

Thanks for letting me know that you think this is a worthwhile topic to explore.

In the thousands of profiles in Catholic Match members have all kinds of qualities they mention as desirable in a partner. I wonder how many people have something like this?

Must be able to accept that not all of the times when I express an unpleasant emotion toward you is it my fault. Of course this has to be mutual and I must be able to accept that not all of the times when you express unpleasant feelings toward me is it your fault. If we can't do this, either or both of us will be walking on eggshells all the time.

Is this a bad idea because it will scare too many away? Is it a good idea because it will help eliminate the immature who can't deal appropriately with unpleasant emotions?

Trying to figure out how to be pleasantly unpleasant,

John

--hide--


Hi John, to answer your question about putting what is desirable in a partner in their profiles, well, I think we should. But, it doesn't need to be too specific unless you are a person with specific tolerances. So putting "Should be even tempered" may be better than putting, "Must not be inclined to putting their fist through a door in anger." I do see a lot of emphasis on loyalty and laughter, but not so much on emotions (in profiles).

Cat

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