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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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11/25/2012 new

(Quote) Cat-163322 said:Hi John, to answer your question about putting what is desirable in a partner in their profiles, we...
(Quote) Cat-163322 said:

Hi John, to answer your question about putting what is desirable in a partner in their profiles, well, I think we should. But, it doesn't need to be too specific unless you are a person with specific tolerances. So putting "Should be even tempered" may be better than putting, "Must not be inclined to putting their fist through a door in anger." I do see a lot of emphasis on loyalty and laughter, but not so much on emotions (in profiles).

Cat

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Hi Cat,

One of my main points was that a person should not have to be even tempered all of the time. The walking-on-egg-shells relationship is one where one party is expected to be even tempered in every situation when a difference of opinion occurs.

Doubting that staying ever on an even keel actually has the most appeal, smile scratchchin

John

11/25/2012 new

Yes, expression negative emotions is important. That of course doens't mean that one should express them in a negative way. I can tell you right now that my most recent relationship has dissolved because the man was so uncomfortable with the expression and feelings of his own emotions that every time a little "bump in the road" occured, he pulled away and dug his head so deep in the ground that nothing ever got discussed - thus nothing ever got worked on or worked through. I personally think it is a sign of emotional immaturity...but I could be wrong. Expressing how you feel, when done constructively, should bring a couple CLOSER together.

11/25/2012 new
I don't know why others might think that it is ok to bombard others with their fits of emotion. Verbal agression is not ok. People of God are not verbal punching bags for others. When I am faced with this I think that the person is "out of control," and the best thing to do is to remove oneself, before the fits gets worse. I think a good deal of negativity between people arises out of a lack of respect for the other.

Although some people's extreme behaviors and actions repeatedly rouse the emotions. A husband or wife who has had an affair, or repeatedly goes against their word, can expect frustration and anger from the spouse.

So sometimes anger is the only way to get someone's attention that change is needed or wanted.
11/25/2012 new

(Quote) Katie-570448 said: Yes, expression negative emotions is important. That of course doens't mean that one should e...
(Quote) Katie-570448 said:

Yes, expression negative emotions is important. That of course doens't mean that one should express them in a negative way. I can tell you right now that my most recent relationship has dissolved because the man was so uncomfortable with the expression and feelings of his own emotions that every time a little "bump in the road" occured, he pulled away and dug his head so deep in the ground that nothing ever got discussed - thus nothing ever got worked on or worked through. I personally think it is a sign of emotional immaturity...but I could be wrong. Expressing how you feel, when done constructively, should bring a couple CLOSER together.

--hide--
Hi Katie,

Thanks for adding your views about this issue.

I liked your words, nothing ever got discussed - thus nothing ever got worked on or worked through, because they show the connection between real feelings (not repressed or faked ones) and real discussion (discussion about what's really happening with our feelings in the immediate present situation instead of walking around them). Those same words seem to suggest that you expect that there will be some differences that have to be worked out and also that you are not shocked when some of these conflicts arise. Too many people lack this realistic expectation about conflict, or so I think.

I also appreciate what is expressed by, Expressing how you feel, when done constructively, should bring a couple CLOSER together because it says that you will become more and more comfortable with each other if you feel allowed to express unpleasant feelings when necessary and that allowance will in turn bring the comfort with each other that is needed as a prerequisite to the softer feelings needed in a romantic relationship.

Noting that it not always easy to work thing out with a stormy weatherman/woman, cloud eyepopping

John

11/25/2012 new

(Quote) Jacqueline-556574 said: I don't know why others might think that it is ok to bombard others with their fits of emotion....
(Quote) Jacqueline-556574 said: I don't know why others might think that it is ok to bombard others with their fits of emotion. Verbal aggression is not ok. People of God are not verbal punching bags for others. When I am faced with this I think that the person is "out of control," and the best thing to do is to remove oneself, before the fits gets worse. I think a good deal of negativity between people arises out of a lack of respect for the other.

Although some people's extreme behaviors and actions repeatedly rouse the emotions. A husband or wife who has had an affair, or repeatedly goes against their word, can expect frustration and anger from the spouse.

So sometimes anger is the only way to get someone's attention that change is needed or wanted.
--hide--
Hi Jacqueline,

I don't think that most expressions of unpleassant emotions such as displeasure, irritation or impatience can correctly be described as bombarding others with their fits of emotion or as Verbal aggression and I think that most people would agree with me on this point. It seems to me that in the first paragraph you have raised a straw man and then knocked him down.

Some people in this topic have said that their experience has been that avoiding the expression of honestly felt unpleasant feelings is not good for either the realness or longevity of a relationship. You cannot have much of a relationship with a false self however nice he is by repressing too many of his unhappy feelings.

Noting that showing unpleasant feelings is not sappy, thumbsup

John

11/25/2012 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: Hi Eileen, Thanks for relating your experiences. From what has happen to you, what w...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

Hi Eileen,

Thanks for relating your experiences.

From what has happen to you, what would you advise about making sure before engagement that the other party can deal with at least minor, unpleasant expressions such as of irritation and impatience from you?

It's interesting how the new, "less friendly" you is more happy with herself. So what's your new slogan, "What matters is no more doormats for the Matts of the world?"

Trying not to get matter and matter,

John

--hide--
Hi John, I was wondering if you would ever get around to addressing my post! Alrighty then, in answer to your first question,
we are at a different place in your lives where experience (from past positive and negative relationships) have reshaped how we deal
with every day challenges. Being a woman and prone to episodes of emotional rollercoastering (Webster's take that!) not that it happens
often, I look to how he reacts...are they defensive, do they get angry and immediately stop listening because their mind is in the
"fight or flight" mode or does he touch my hand and say "let it all out", or just talk gently because sometimes comfort/understanding
is in the voice or the sincerity of their eyes.

I laughed at your phrase "less friendly" because I feel more able to be my crazy, happy, philosophical self. Now, I feel as though I have
ME to offer, not a mirror of what someone else wants me to be. It is freeing. I am the same compassionate, loving, caring, humorous,
innocent being I have always been but now my eyes are open.

I think the factor that I have left out entirely is trust. Because of my past, that is a big obstacle and it affects so many aspects of my
life. Yes, that is a BIGGEE!

Sorry to buzz your ear,

Eileen

11/25/2012 new

(Quote) Eileen-890971 said: Hi John, I was wondering if you would ever get around to addressing my post! Alrighty then, in a...
(Quote) Eileen-890971 said:

Hi John, I was wondering if you would ever get around to addressing my post! Alrighty then, in answer to your first question,
we are at a different place in your lives where experience (from past positive and negative relationships) have reshaped how we deal
with every day challenges. Being a woman and prone to episodes of emotional rollercoastering (Webster's take that!) not that it happens
often, I look to how he reacts...are they defensive, do they get angry and immediately stop listening because their mind is in the
"fight or flight" mode or does he touch my hand and say "let it all out", or just talk gently because sometimes comfort/understanding
is in the voice or the sincerity of their eyes.

I laughed at your phrase "less friendly" because I feel more able to be my crazy, happy, philosophical self. Now, I feel as though I have
ME to offer, not a mirror of what someone else wants me to be. It is freeing. I am the same compassionate, loving, caring, humorous,
innocent being I have always been but now my eyes are open.

I think the factor that I have left out entirely is trust. Because of my past, that is a big obstacle and it affects so many aspects of my
life. Yes, that is a BIGGEE!

Sorry to buzz your ear,

Eileen

--hide--
Hi Eileen,

This comment points out something that had not occurred to me. I had been thinking only about unpleasant emotions caused by the other party in a relationship and not about those caused by a third party as when the boss at work hurts the feeliings of the female party and she goes home to vent in the presence of the male party. In those instances you seemed both to recommend that men should not do, immediately stop listening because their mind is in the "fight or flight" mode and also to recommend that men should, touch my hand and say "let it all out", or just talk gently because sometimes comfort/understanding is in the voice or the sincerity of their eyes.

Regarding your new, "less friendly" self, it is now a real self and the paradox is that, not only is it now possible for you to have much, much better relationships, but that it is also better for the man in the relationship if he also has found his real self. Yes, a double-whiner pair can become a double-winner duo. shhh

Regarding your words, I was wondering if you would ever get around to addressing my post!, I must ask whether you have noticed that I usually write a reasonable generous post and not just, "Thnx". Yes, I give a lot of time to women, but they don't return much of their thyme to me!

Noting that a dish with a dash of spice would be nice, shhh mischievous eyepopping

John

11/26/2012 new

Communication is a key element in any successful relationship or marriage. You should be able to state your opinion in a tasteful manor and not demanding. If something is really bothering you and you don't express yourself a moehill can turn into a mountain. Your significant other can not always read your mind.

When John and I were married when he came home from work we would set at our kitchen table and just talk for at least an hour. Then I would either start or finish dinner. He never liked to eat as soon as he came home anyway. That changed after he became ill, because he was home all of the time.

I think the reason a lot of marriages fail is that they don't make quality time for each other. Maybe it was easier for me, because I didn't go back to work after I had children. I have all the respect in the world for working moms, because I don't know how they do it.

I remember my former mother-in-law telling me it is not important that the bed are made and the dishes are done it is how you spend your time with your family.

11/26/2012 new

Well John....nobody wants to be around a downer now do they......expression of emotions is good in the right setting and at the right time...but chronic mood swings makes a relationship painful....

11/26/2012 new

(Quote) John-184825 said: Hi Eileen, This comment points out something that had not occurred to me. I had been thinki...
(Quote) John-184825 said:

Hi Eileen,

This comment points out something that had not occurred to me. I had been thinking only about unpleasant emotions caused by the other party in a relationship and not about those caused by a third party as when the boss at work hurts the feeliings of the female party and she goes home to vent in the presence of the male party. In those instances you seemed both to recommend that men should not do, immediately stop listening because their mind is in the "fight or flight" mode and also to recommend that men should, touch my hand and say "let it all out", or just talk gently because sometimes comfort/understanding is in the voice or the sincerity of their eyes.

Regarding your new, "less friendly" self, it is now a real self and the paradox is that, not only is it now possible for you to have much, much better relationships, but that it is also better for the man in the relationship if he also has found his real self. Yes, a double-whiner pair can become a double-winner duo.

Regarding your words, I was wondering if you would ever get around to addressing my post!, I must ask whether you have noticed that I usually write a reasonable generous post and not just, "Thnx". Yes, I give a lot of time to women, but they don't return much of their thyme to me!

Noting that a dish with a dash of spice would be nice,

John

--hide--
Hi John,

Yes, I did notice you are a therapist of type...almost reminding me of my fav Dr. Phil in that he phrases what you have said so you actually feel like he hears the spoken word. Very effective by the way. Yes, you do give a provocative interpretation that makes the reader want to respond. What is your occupation anyway? Just curious butyou can plead the fifth!

I do feel that you have opened the door to questions I had not thought of as well as the dialog from other writers has been eye opening.
The just of the topic I feel is, do you feel safe (and I mean really secure with your partner) enough to let your guard down, be your true
self, TRUST that your partner will accept and love you IN SPITE of your obvious shortcomings. Both sexes have insecurities.

Of course, I can only speak for myself. The love that I feel for my sisters and brother, the love for my children seems neverending. I have
not found that to be true in a relationship with a man. That relationship seems more fragile for some reason, more susceptable to cracks
and dings and chips, more difficult to weather the blistering heat or extreme cold, the hurricanes and tornados (I guess I mean outside
forces now that I think about it). I have more contemplation to do.

I think it is getting a little chili and we may needs a little spicy pepper, maybe some cornbread to brew over the problems of the world!
It is a pleasure speaking with you John.

Eileen

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