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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
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Would you cry at the burial?

Dec 3rd 2012 new

I lost a sister when I was 17, she was 26 - 1985. And I'm going to lose my Mother someday, she's had Alzheimer's for 11 years (I'm caring for her). (I'm doing very well and I am really glad to have the opportunity to give back to my mom. )

I'm not a widower but you know what I'm talking about. My question is about feelings.

Crying in public - is it best to hold it back as much as possible or allow yourself to be sad/cry at the burial? And be scared you won't stop if you start :)

I've handled all the stages of grief. But I haven't cried with other people around.

Try to suck it up or not? I know she'll be buried next to my sister and I think I will lose it, because I've still got tears pent up from the first round.

Has anyone else made this decision ahead of time? And how did it go?

Dec 4th 2012 new

(Quote) Andrea-368827 said: I lost a sister when I was 17, she was 26 - 1985. And I'm going to lose my Mother someday, s...
(Quote) Andrea-368827 said:

I lost a sister when I was 17, she was 26 - 1985. And I'm going to lose my Mother someday, she's had Alzheimer's for 11 years (I'm caring for her). (I'm doing very well and I am really glad to have the opportunity to give back to my mom. )

I'm not a widower but you know what I'm talking about. My question is about feelings.

Crying in public - is it best to hold it back as much as possible or allow yourself to be sad/cry at the burial? And be scared you won't stop if you start :)

I've handled all the stages of grief. But I haven't cried with other people around.

Try to suck it up or not? I know she'll be buried next to my sister and I think I will lose it, because I've still got tears pent up from the first round.

Has anyone else made this decision ahead of time? And how did it go?

--hide--
I believe that it's difficult to make a decision ahead of time -- and unrealistic to even try.

Do people not laugh when they view or read something funny? Do parents express anger when their children misbehave? (JUST anger of course!!) Do friends embrace when they see each other after a long period of time?

All of these are natural expressions of our emotions. When we lose a close family member or friend, do we try to be heroic and hold back our sad feelings? Should we?

Particularly with the EVENT of losing someone close, there is a grieving PROCESS. This sadness can be overwhelming, especially in the beginning which starts when you learn of the loss. If you try to stifle your emotions, you are interfering with a natural process. Grieving isn't easy, plus it takes time.

If we have a good reason to cry, I don't know of anyone who would criticize it. Even if they did, would that be a good reason to put on a happy face, just to please someone else? Personally, I've worried more about people who don't seem affected after losing someone close. Sooner or later, something has to give.

I certainly wouldn't worry about crying for a good, understandable reason in public. Even grown male leaders who portray the image of strength shed tears at such times. It's a natural reaction to certain events. Mental health specialists believe it's healthy

Why not allow yourself to be human? You've earned it.

Dec 4th 2012 new
(Quote) Andrea-368827 said: I lost a sister when I was 17, she was 26 - 1985. And I'm going to lose my Mother someday, she's had...
(Quote) Andrea-368827 said:

I lost a sister when I was 17, she was 26 - 1985. And I'm going to lose my Mother someday, she's had Alzheimer's for 11 years (I'm caring for her). (I'm doing very well and I am really glad to have the opportunity to give back to my mom. )



I'm not a widower but you know what I'm talking about. My question is about feelings.



Crying in public - is it best to hold it back as much as possible or allow yourself to be sad/cry at the burial? And be scared you won't stop if you start :)



I've handled all the stages of grief. But I haven't cried with other people around.



Try to suck it up or not? I know she'll be buried next to my sister and I think I will lose it, because I've still got tears pent up from the first round.



Has anyone else made this decision ahead of time? And how did it go?







--hide--


I lost my son in May 2011 at the age of 22, you have no idea how much I wish I could have cried at the time. It was not that I was holding back my tears or trying to be strong. I was just numb, in my humble opinion it is healthier to cry if that is the emotion you are feeling at the time.... I will pray that when the time comes you are able to allow your grief and healing from memories to occur naturally....

I did get professional help with my grief process and am doing well now.....
Dec 4th 2012 new
There was a young woman in her late 20"s who is a twin in my church who lost her husband unexpectedally in a car crash in 2006. She like myself was in a state of shock after her loss and could not cry, her twin couldn't stop crying over her sisters loss. I remember the one who cried all the time saying I will be glad when M... Can cry, this is breaking my heart... Grief affects us all in so many different ways. There is no 'right or wrong' way to grieve.....just be open to Gods grace and healing.....
Dec 4th 2012 new

(Quote) Brenda-74660 said: I lost my son in May 2011 at the age of 22, you have no idea how much I wish I could have cried ...
(Quote) Brenda-74660 said:

I lost my son in May 2011 at the age of 22, you have no idea how much I wish I could have cried at the time. It was not that I was holding back my tears or trying to be strong. I was just numb, in my humble opinion it is healthier to cry if that is the emotion you are feeling at the time.... I will pray that when the time comes you are able to allow your grief and healing from memories to occur naturally....

I did get professional help with my grief process and am doing well now.....
--hide--
Brenda -- I can well understand the numbness you must have felt, but at some point you no doubt let go of the emotions that were pent up inside of you.

Psychologists have categorized the main stages of grieving, but people don't always experience them in the same order. Nature takes its own course. The important thing is to allow yourself to go through the process without denying it. It's a way to have emotional stability restored eventually. Again the emphasis is on the fact that this is a process -- not something one goes through in a day and everything is ok again. It takes time, as you very well know.

Dec 4th 2012 new

Thanks for the replies Ray and Brenda, they were both very touching to me personally.

I think I'll be ready to be present this time around and not be in shock like the first time. It is natural as you say Ray. I'm getting the opportunity to take grief slow instead of fast now.

Dec 4th 2012 new

Andrea, it depends on the kind of person you are....and how you normally handle your emotions.... Some people spontaneously burst out laughing at a joke, others may chuckle mirthfully, and some may just smile a bit. The same is true for grieving. I've witnessed friends who have literally "wailed" (it was their cultural custom of respect), bawled unabashadly, allowed tears to freely flow but with pursed lips, and those like Brenda, who were too numb to respond at the time. Also, each person has a different level of "personal privacy", and may stifle outward appearances of grief in public, but let it all hang out in private. To each his own---as long as the grieving process (regardless of the order done, as Ray suggested) is not abridged.

I am widowed. I had 15 months to prepare myself for my husband's death from cancer. I worked in the public sector, was accustomed to speaking professionally in large groups, was a cantor for the Mass, and have an "outgoing" personality. I had skills at hand to help me "gracefully and stoically" endure my husband's viewings, rosaries, and funeral Mass (our hometown, and then his hometown and burial). I also had two school aged children to "model" to. I can still recall the quite audible GASP from the crowd when I took the podium to speak at my husband's Mass. It wasn't easy, and I fought back tears, but was able to express myself because of my skills and love for all those who came. I "lost it" TOTALLY when TAPS was played, and his military commander (a dear friend) presented me with the flag...Tears streamed down, and I sobbed. It was MY loss...I didn't care who saw or knew....

I would heartily recommend letting some of that pent-up grief for your sister out NOW. It is also a good therapy to let those tears fall (even if just in private) for the grief you're feeling already for your mother's future passing. Whether or not you choose to weep at her funeral is of no matter--it is processing the grief that is important--and that may take years. Ultimately, grief from our losses will be made whole in Heaven with eternal happiness! rose goldfish hug

Dec 4th 2012 new
(Quote) Ray-566531 said: Brenda -- I can well understand the numbness you must have felt, but at some point you no doubt let go of the emo...
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:

Brenda -- I can well understand the numbness you must have felt, but at some point you no doubt let go of the emotions that were pent up inside of you.



Psychologists have categorized the main stages of grieving, but people don't always experience them in the same order. Nature takes its own course. The important thing is to allow yourself to go through the process without denying it. It's a way to have emotional stability restored eventually. Again the emphasis is on the fact that this is a process -- not something one goes through in a day and everything is ok again. It takes time, as you very well know.

--hide--


It was a process and I was thankful I had friends, family, Priest and the professional counselor to help me process the grief. To be honest I chose to go to sad movies I knew would make me cry several times during the process. I know my situation was not a normal one because it took so long to get certain documents regarding his death which did cause the process to be delayed somewhat. One thing I realized through it all was that when I let go and let God I could handle that days portion....
Dec 4th 2012 new

Beverly and Brenda thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I've never been a part of grief group, except for some Alzheimer's classes. Although, I do feel I have the grief understood and processed well. But seeing how Beverly says I should handle the sister feelings NOW - I realize I do have one piece of trouble - I have had a long time. And I still don't have an answer for. I'm not comfortable discussing it here. But I'll try to pray on it or ask a friend here. Thanks again. And my sympathies - losing a child or a husband - just so hard. It would be nice to have them all back here, but instead you are loving the people that here in sharing your kind words - and that's the best we can do. Thank you.

Dec 5th 2012 new

(Quote) Andrea-368827 said: Beverly and Brenda thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I've never been a part of gr...
(Quote) Andrea-368827 said:

Beverly and Brenda thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I've never been a part of grief group, except for some Alzheimer's classes. Although, I do feel I have the grief understood and processed well. But seeing how Beverly says I should handle the sister feelings NOW - I realize I do have one piece of trouble - I have had a long time. And I still don't have an answer for. I'm not comfortable discussing it here. But I'll try to pray on it or ask a friend here. Thanks again. And my sympathies - losing a child or a husband - just so hard. It would be nice to have them all back here, but instead you are loving the people that here in sharing your kind words - and that's the best we can do. Thank you.

--hide--
Yes, Andrea -- there's no way we can bring back departed loved ones. Our humble words are no substitute, but we hope they bring you at least a little comfort. Even though all of us have lose very close family members, we can't compare our hurting with yours.

When a long-term illness strikes a loved one, it can become a time when grieving begins. The reality of that fact makes it difficult, but it can also be helpful in the long run. What's important is that you don't fight your natural feelings. Releasing them can be therapeutic, as Beverly said.

In the meantime, we hope for the best for all of you. As a caregiver, I hope you will take some time for yourself so that you remain strong physically, spiritually and emotionally.

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