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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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A serious question...

Dec 7th 2012 new

Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.


I'm not ashamed to say that I have been in recovery thanks to the help of a certain 12-step program and the Grace of God. To be exact, I have been in sober for 10+ years. While I'm very proud of that fact, it has at times been a deal breaker for women. I'm not one who goes bragging to the world that I've been in recovery for this long, but I do want her to know as it is a big part of my life. I get don't mind when people ask why I don't drink--I simply say I'm allergic to it--but it can be nerve racking when she asks (especially in a season where others drink). So my question is more for women, but anybody can give their two cents.

When would be the right time for you for someone to tell you that they are in recovery? Would it put you off that the person still goes to meetings after so many years? What if he invited you to a meeting? I guess I could flip flop this question as ask guys if it were a woman who is in recovery?


One more thing: Is 10 years enough sobriety? Believe it or not, it isn't enough for some women.

Dec 7th 2012 new

(Quote) David-820720 said: Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.I'm not ashamed to s...
(Quote) David-820720 said:

Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.


I'm not ashamed to say that I have been in recovery thanks to the help of a certain 12-step program and the Grace of God. To be exact, I have been in sober for 10+ years. While I'm very proud of that fact, it has at times been a deal breaker for women. I'm not one who goes bragging to the world that I've been in recovery for this long, but I do want her to know as it is a big part of my life. I get don't mind when people ask why I don't drink--I simply say I'm allergic to it--but it can be nerve racking when she asks (especially in a season where others drink). So my question is more for women, but anybody can give their two cents.

When would be the right time for you for someone to tell you that they are in recovery? Would it put you off that the person still goes to meetings after so many years? What if he invited you to a meeting? I guess I could flip flop this question as ask guys if it were a woman who is in recovery?


One more thing: Is 10 years enough sobriety? Believe it or not, it isn't enough for some women.

--hide--


First of all, let me say...CONGRATULATIONS! That is wonderful!

I don't think it has to be in the first conversation, especially with 10 years of freedom. It should probably be before a face to face. Everyone has their deal breakers, ya know? I say knowledge is power. And if someone cuts you off because of that, they are uninformed or already carrying some bad experiences from another relationship with the same issue. Let them go with a prayer of good will and thank God for each new day!

(I have a solid 17 years. It makes me a picky person because I am looking for a rarely to a non-drinker.) I'll be watching for more answers. God bless you!

Dec 7th 2012 new
Not everyone is a drinker David ! I live in NYC , and I don't drink at all , I go out with friends all the time and I enjoy hanging out , however for no reasons at all I just don't drink , my friends don't question me and we just have a great time wherever we go ! I have never had anyone ask me why I don't drink ! And if I did , I guess I would just give them my new York attitude ! Lol. You are doing good in your recovery ,however recovery is a lifetime commitment ,and I guess you know that by going to the meetings. Some things are better left alone and not discussed until you get to know someone . Your recovery is very personal and if you meet the right girl you will know when to discuss this matter. My opinion is do not discuss your recovery immediately , that's not something you want to brag about when you meet someone. David just giving you my 2 cents about your issue ,lol
Dec 7th 2012 new

I think life causes us ALL to have baggage David. And some people have the courage to open their bags and clean them out (dig in the proverbial dirt), and some don't. Some don't even recognize they're lugging the baggage around. So congratulations to you for having the courage!!


Since I don't know a great deal about the program, I can't fully answer your questions other than to say I would probably most like to hear he's in recovery after the initial stages of getting to know him, when we start getting into the more serious topics.

Dec 7th 2012 new

(Quote) David-820720 said: Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.I'm not ashamed to s...
(Quote) David-820720 said:

Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.


I'm not ashamed to say that I have been in recovery thanks to the help of a certain 12-step program and the Grace of God. To be exact, I have been in sober for 10+ years. While I'm very proud of that fact, it has at times been a deal breaker for women. I'm not one who goes bragging to the world that I've been in recovery for this long, but I do want her to know as it is a big part of my life. I get don't mind when people ask why I don't drink--I simply say I'm allergic to it--but it can be nerve racking when she asks (especially in a season where others drink). So my question is more for women, but anybody can give their two cents.

When would be the right time for you for someone to tell you that they are in recovery? Would it put you off that the person still goes to meetings after so many years? What if he invited you to a meeting? I guess I could flip flop this question as ask guys if it were a woman who is in recovery?


One more thing: Is 10 years enough sobriety? Believe it or not, it isn't enough for some women.

--hide--


Good question, David ... it wouldn't bother me if he's in recovery ... as long as he makes every effort to "stay on the wagon." And if, by chance, he falls off the wagon, but then knows he needs to get back "on the wagon," more power to him. I'm okay with all that. Also, it doesn't bother me one bit that he doesn't drink. In fact, I'd be very happy if he didn't. I've seen too many lives and jobs/careers ruined due to the addiction of alcohol (and drugs).

As for the right time to tell the other, I'd wait until it appears that the other will be sticking around for some length of time, and after he and I have been seeing/dating one another for several months. Frankly, it's no one else's business whether you're in recovery; and until you're comfortable with letting the cat out of the bag, that should be the only criteria.

Good for you that you've been sober for ten years ... that's quite an accomplishment, David ... keep up the good work! If ten years isn't good enough for some females, then they are not the right one for you. It's 'next'!

God bless and keep you, and a very blessed and fruitful Advent season!





santahat wreath xmastree stocking Ice Skating fluffy snowman

Dec 7th 2012 new

Congrats to you! 10 years would be fine for me, but I can see why it's not for others. Possibly, they've experienced it firsthand and it would just hit way too close to home. My godfather (great uncle) was an alcoholic, in addition to my step-grandpa and half-uncle (also drug addict). Of course I was close to my godfather, but I didn't see a bad side of him. I only remember something when I was in 8th grade or so where my grandma (his sister, my mom's mom) supposed got into a fight or something because he was drunkn and about to go off with some woman. I'd have to ask my mom to get the story straight; it's not something they went around proclaiming. I don't really remember my step-grandpa (my father's dad died before he was born and his mom remarried an alcoholic then divorced him). I do rememember hearing all about my half-uncle who had battled these addictions for most of his life, and I know how it really hurt my grandpa (his dad). Okay, I've rambled (and maybe told a bit too much... lol), but my point is that, though it is in my family, it's not something I really dealt with firsthand. For others, it might be way too traumatic.

I would want to know after several dates. To me, that's important to know before exclusively dating. But, I would think you'd be comfortable enough with a girl (that you're considering dating exclusively) to tell her this. If we went out for drinks and he didn't have one, I might wonder, but not in a bad way at all. I don't drink whatsoever anymore if I'm driving. I used to think one or two drinks wouldn't hurt if I wasn't far from home, but I've known several people to get DWI's and it's just not worth it to me. Often, I'll be the only one NOT drinking. lol But it's fine by me, and I don't feel too weird about it.

If I married a recovering alcoholic, I could definitely give up alcohol for him. That wouldn't be a problem, and I think it would be selfish of me to say I should be able to drink whenever I want to. Love is supporting one another, not possibly bringing the other down. If my husband was a recovering porn addict, would I leave a Playboy around just to see how strong he is? Of course not! So why would I do the same with alcohol? Now... if it was chocolate... we might have an issue. wink


But, in all seriousness, you've done well, and nobody is perfect. I don't care that much about my future husband's past... just that he is proactively living his faith, has repented his sins, and is genuinely trying to become a better Catholic. Honestly, he might even be a better person because of his past. We all come from different walks of life. biggrin


Congrats, again!

Dec 7th 2012 new

(Quote) David-820720 said: Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.I'm not ashamed to s...
(Quote) David-820720 said:

Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.


I'm not ashamed to say that I have been in recovery thanks to the help of a certain 12-step program and the Grace of God. To be exact, I have been in sober for 10+ years. While I'm very proud of that fact, it has at times been a deal breaker for women. I'm not one who goes bragging to the world that I've been in recovery for this long, but I do want her to know as it is a big part of my life. I get don't mind when people ask why I don't drink--I simply say I'm allergic to it--but it can be nerve racking when she asks (especially in a season where others drink). So my question is more for women, but anybody can give their two cents.

When would be the right time for you for someone to tell you that they are in recovery? Would it put you off that the person still goes to meetings after so many years? What if he invited you to a meeting? I guess I could flip flop this question as ask guys if it were a woman who is in recovery?


One more thing: Is 10 years enough sobriety? Believe it or not, it isn't enough for some women.

--hide--




Congratulations ! I suggest that you just communicate early on as possible. I understand it can be uncomfortable to bring up early since I have a Celiac and some other stuff that requires me to watch what I drink and eat . But those that are truly to be part of your life will appreciate the discussion early on. Going to meeting years later shows you take your sobriety seriously. As or asking some one along to a meeting as long as that cool with those that also show up , I see nothing wrong with it . I again helps educate the person about who you are and what you need. I often get asked why I don't drink I use it as starting point to explain my situation and allows them to see I trust them enough to discuss my Celiac with them .

As for the length of time being enough depending on the ladies background it could be or might not be long enough . Take the chance and keep seeking the right lady for you . The one will work with you and accept you for you. Just my 2 cents.

Dec 8th 2012 new

(Quote) David-820720 said: Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.I'm not ashamed to s...
(Quote) David-820720 said:

Okay, here's a serious question that has been on my mind.


I'm not ashamed to say that I have been in recovery thanks to the help of a certain 12-step program and the Grace of God. To be exact, I have been in sober for 10+ years. While I'm very proud of that fact, it has at times been a deal breaker for women. I'm not one who goes bragging to the world that I've been in recovery for this long, but I do want her to know as it is a big part of my life. I get don't mind when people ask why I don't drink--I simply say I'm allergic to it--but it can be nerve racking when she asks (especially in a season where others drink). So my question is more for women, but anybody can give their two cents.

When would be the right time for you for someone to tell you that they are in recovery? Would it put you off that the person still goes to meetings after so many years? What if he invited you to a meeting? I guess I could flip flop this question as ask guys if it were a woman who is in recovery?


One more thing: Is 10 years enough sobriety? Believe it or not, it isn't enough for some women.

--hide--


Congratulations! hug

My brother has a history- as in the past- yet he is now a religious and soon-to-be priest after 10+ years of conquering those demons in his life! 12-steps is a LIFE-SAVER!

Personally, I would want to know that this was an area of struggle for a man and how long he had been in recovery earlier rather than later in a dating relationship... Not on the first date but if he hasn't told me before we made things "official" I would have a problem. boggled

No, I wouldn't be put off by a person attending meetings, except... if it acts as a quasi religion for them. (This is based on knowing A LOT of people in recovery both NA and AA. It can become their "church.") I've been to lots of meeting in support of my brother, so going to meetings would be no big deal. It would not be an issue if it was a part of life as long as it was not our life, period. Does that make sense?


Prayers! Praying Praying Praying hug hug

Dec 8th 2012 new

(Quote) Nancy-838315 said: Congratulations! My brother has a history- as in the past- ...
(Quote) Nancy-838315 said:


Congratulations!

My brother has a history- as in the past- yet he is now a religious and soon-to-be priest after 10+ years of conquering those demons in his life! 12-steps is a LIFE-SAVER!

Personally, I would want to know that this was an area of struggle for a man and how long he had been in recovery earlier rather than later in a dating relationship... Not on the first date but if he hasn't told me before we made things "official" I would have a problem.

No, I wouldn't be put off by a person attending meetings, except... if it acts as a quasi religion for them. (This is based on knowing A LOT of people in recovery both NA and AA. It can become their "church.") I've been to lots of meeting in support of my brother, so going to meetings would be no big deal. It would not be an issue if it was a part of life as long as it was not our life, period. Does that make sense?


Prayers!

--hide--



Congrats toward your brother and thank you for your reply! I hear you on the area of making 12-step programs your religion. Catholicism is my religion and 12-step programs are PART of my spirituality. They are a big part of my life, but they are not all my life. I see the claim of "Spiritual but not religious," as a growing heretical tide in America today. I've even heard someone in meetings say they are "addicted" to meetings. That's not really what it's all about and I can hear the Founders rolling in their graves--and that's the diffence. They are still in their graves whlle Christ has Risen! Moreove I hear a lot of Catholic bashing going on. It shocked a lot of people in one particular meeting when I was the speaker on night and stated that I was a Catholic. Many Catholic bashers recanted after that, but I still hear it in meetings. I used to bristle with antagonism, but now I just factor it in as part of their experience. If there begins to be a growing tide of the phenomenon in the meetings--if more and more are doing it just to fit in (which some have admitted to me)--I try to put a cap on it. Many 12 steppers pride themselves on being open and accepting people from all walks of life and some get embarrassed when this stuff happens in meetings.


But going back to the original topic, I agree with you. I didn't get sober just so I can go to yet more meetings in church basements. I go to about 4 a week, but I also live life as well and mass (particularly the eucharist) is the center point of my life. I can't get that at meetings.

Dec 8th 2012 new

(Quote) Tara-916865 said: Congrats to you! 10 years would be fine for me, but I can see why it's not for others. Possibl...
(Quote) Tara-916865 said:

Congrats to you! 10 years would be fine for me, but I can see why it's not for others. Possibly, they've experienced it firsthand and it would just hit way too close to home. My godfather (great uncle) was an alcoholic, in addition to my step-grandpa and half-uncle (also drug addict). Of course I was close to my godfather, but I didn't see a bad side of him. I only remember something when I was in 8th grade or so where my grandma (his sister, my mom's mom) supposed got into a fight or something because he was drunkn and about to go off with some woman. I'd have to ask my mom to get the story straight; it's not something they went around proclaiming. I don't really remember my step-grandpa (my father's dad died before he was born and his mom remarried an alcoholic then divorced him). I do rememember hearing all about my half-uncle who had battled these addictions for most of his life, and I know how it really hurt my grandpa (his dad). Okay, I've rambled (and maybe told a bit too much... lol), but my point is that, though it is in my family, it's not something I really dealt with firsthand. For others, it might be way too traumatic.

I would want to know after several dates. To me, that's important to know before exclusively dating. But, I would think you'd be comfortable enough with a girl (that you're considering dating exclusively) to tell her this. If we went out for drinks and he didn't have one, I might wonder, but not in a bad way at all. I don't drink whatsoever anymore if I'm driving. I used to think one or two drinks wouldn't hurt if I wasn't far from home, but I've known several people to get DWI's and it's just not worth it to me. Often, I'll be the only one NOT drinking. lol But it's fine by me, and I don't feel too weird about it.

If I married a recovering alcoholic, I could definitely give up alcohol for him. That wouldn't be a problem, and I think it would be selfish of me to say I should be able to drink whenever I want to. Love is supporting one another, not possibly bringing the other down. If my husband was a recovering porn addict, would I leave a Playboy around just to see how strong he is? Of course not! So why would I do the same with alcohol? Now... if it was chocolate... we might have an issue.


But, in all seriousness, you've done well, and nobody is perfect. I don't care that much about my future husband's past... just that he is proactively living his faith, has repented his sins, and is genuinely trying to become a better Catholic. Honestly, he might even be a better person because of his past. We all come from different walks of life.


Congrats, again!

--hide--



Hi Tara,


You're very charitable in you attitude toward those in recovery. I do want to point out however that while giving up alcohol for a spouse is a noble gesture, it wouldn't be necessary for someone with a firm foundation in recover--unless of course they requested it and you were willing to do it. I haven't dated anyone in the Fellowship and I have been completely comfortable with have a woman having a drink with dinner while out on a date. It's just when she starts having 3 or 4 is when I have a problem. While I can't govern a woman's behavior I would reevaluate why I'm going out with her? Is this going to be the norm? If that's the case, then I don't want it. A man (or anyone for that matter) who believes that he must be away from all alcohol to stay sober really should go live in the woods somewhere or maybe the Greenland Icecap. I'm a psychologist as well as a drug and alcohol counselor--my clients come in smelling like booze all of the time. I even had one client pull out a 24 oz saturday night special from his back pack while in session and start chugging--preceded by the comment, "I'm gonna take my medicine RIGHT NOW!"...let's just say I'm never short of work.

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