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This room is for supportive and informative discussion about divorce and/or the annulment process. All posters must have been previously divorced or annulled.

Saint Eugene De Mazenod is patron of dysfunctional families & Saint Fabiola obtained a divorce from her first husband prior to devoting her life to charitable works.
Learn More: Saint Eugene De Mazenod and Saint Fabiola

Jan 6th 2013 new

(Quote) Rebecca-767861 said: Why cant it be about the kids? why arent the kids worth some time? maybe even taking them to a ...
(Quote) Rebecca-767861 said:

Why cant it be about the kids? why arent the kids worth some time? maybe even taking them to a movie? SUre its Christmas, but thats ok.

Last year, Dad came by the house for an hour, no gifts (which is fine, $ is short, although he will NEVER be without his cell or smokes) and the kids saw him ( the younger two of mine age 10, 11 at the time) it was "something"...

Yes they have seen him maybe 2-4xs tops this past year but its CHRISTMAS?! I cant fathom this going on year after year. No word from him. No call yet no txt...Its always an unpredictable mystery. Its so sad for my children, sad for me...

Looking for prayers, hugs, from anyone who can relate....

feeling lousy,,,

--hide--


sorry this is happening.


the best thing to do is to have no expectations for him. simply accept that your ex is the way he is and adjust your lives accordingly rather than expecting him to miraculously change. lots of things "shoukdn't be" the way they are - but they are that way nonetheless. why torment yourself depending on someone to change when he may well be incapable of that? move on.

Jan 8th 2013 new
Just read your post. So sad, but it happens often. For those of us that love our children to our very core and will do anything for them (that is good, right and just) it hurts us when our kids are rejected, ignored, etc. I wonder if alcohol or drugs are involved in their father's situation. If so, my heart goes out to you. Many in my family are or have been involved in alcohol or drugs and it's so painful to watch the affects it has on everyone. People can't give what they don't have, including love. I have great respect and admiration for men and women who are willing to spend time with children who are not their "own" and be mentors, role models, and friends to single parents and their children who don't the "other" parent available (physically. emotionally, etc). God bless you.
Feb 8th 2013 new

I don't know if this will help or not, but hopefully it will give you some hope. I know two people who were "children of divorce" as the healthcare community seems to label it, and they talked to me after it became obvious my son's father was not in the picture, even before the actual divorce.

I'm going to use fake names just because I don't want to possibly embarass anyone.

Let's call him Guy - Guy's father left when he and his brothers were quite small. Skipped out, wouldn't pay child support since he never filed for divorce, etcetera - deadbeat dad stereotype. Guy tracked him down when he turned 21 and made him sign divorce paperwork so his mother could finally move on with some things. Guy made some mistakes along the way growing up, and as a result of cohabitation had a daughter. Beautiful little girl. Guy is now one of the best dads I know. This was a bad situation - Guy wasn't even sure the little girl was his, but he signed all the paternal paperwork and has refused DNA testing because he's afraid she might not be. Was an actual single dad, made formula, changed diapers, everything. Turned himself around completely for his little angel and it is kind of sweet and hilarious to see this tattooed guy playing with Barbie dolls and coloring Lisa Frank posters now. He knows I'm in education so is constantly having me check whether he's helping her with her homework correctly, stuff like that. Married to a wonderful girl who has completely adopted the child, I've seen wedding pictures of them all three standing there and the baby was so excited she was getting a mama and grandparents the same day. Guy told me that when he realized he was going to be a father he decided he was going to be the best father he could be, it's what a child deserved. He is also really supportive of his now-elderly mother, drives up several hours to check on her and do things like oil changes for her car, stuff like that.


So my other friend, let's just call her Lady - Lady had a dad who was in and out. Mom tried to accomodate the fact that sometimes he would pay child support, visit, make all these promises to Lady, then pick up the pieces when he broke them again. When Lady was little, it was little things like "We'll go to McDonald's next week" and then not showing, as she got older it got to be more like "I'll buy you a car for graduation" then not even showing up from the invitation to see the ceremony. She had a hard time trusting guys, but finally found a great guy who's in the air force, after a lot of waiting she decided to go ahead and marry him. Her father did show up to the wedding - and proceeded to hit on my sister, who was being one of Lady's bridesmaids and was the youngest of them at age 22, in front of Lady. She told me that was when she realized he didn't really care, and instead of being angry she just sort of felt sorry for him. She told me she kept hoping something would magically "fix" her relationship with her father, and that she kept trying to do everything better for years so he would like her, but that moment made her realize it wasn't her problem. She also said that's when she realized she picked the right guy to trust - her new husband came over and redirected her father away from my sister, then came to check on Lady to make sure she was okay and tell her she was incredibly beautiful. They've been married for quite a while now and though they haven't been blessed with children yet I pray they will be because they are so kind to each other and Lady does tons of charity work and is always still surprised when people thank her for it.

No, Guy & Lady definitely didn't have great childhoods. I think a lot of Guy's issues as a young adult were because he didn't know what a guy should do so he just followed the crowd, he is the one who told me to make sure my son had lots of access to my brother and my father so he could see what men should do. Both Guy and Lady managed to grow up to be kind people doing their best to follow their faith and do good in this world. I hope this helps, there are days when I get very frustrated because this isn't the way it should be, where is the life I signed up for? On those days, the best thing I can do is stop and say a prayer.

This one I like particularly:

"Show me what blessing it is
that I have work to do,
And sometimes,
and most of all,
when the day is overcast
and my courage faints,
let me hear Thy voice, saying,
'You are my beloved one
in whom I am well pleased.'"

I hope this helps, hold on.

Feb 17th 2013 new

(Quote) Rebecca-767861 said: Why cant it be about the kids? why arent the kids worth some time? maybe even taking them to a ...
(Quote) Rebecca-767861 said:

Why cant it be about the kids? why arent the kids worth some time? maybe even taking them to a movie? SUre its Christmas, but thats ok.

Last year, Dad came by the house for an hour, no gifts (which is fine, $ is short, although he will NEVER be without his cell or smokes) and the kids saw him ( the younger two of mine age 10, 11 at the time) it was "something"...

Yes they have seen him maybe 2-4xs tops this past year but its CHRISTMAS?! I cant fathom this going on year after year. No word from him. No call yet no txt...Its always an unpredictable mystery. Its so sad for my children, sad for me...

Looking for prayers, hugs, from anyone who can relate....

feeling lousy,,,

--hide--



I am sorry to hear about your situation. My children's father bowed out of their lives 12 years ago. He has since remarried and has adopted a child. It hurts to know he cares more about the family he has now than of the children he had with me. He hasn't even bothered to get to know our precious granddaughters from our older son. I too went through years of asking why and feeling sad and hurt for my children. But then I realized that I am blessed because I have 3 precious adult children who have adjusted well to their lives. He is not part of their lives and they have learned to accept it. They have no expectations of him and so aren't disappointed when he doesn't follow through. The best advice I can give you is that this is his problem not yours or your childrens. I know this isn't easy to understand because it took us years to get there. You will eventually and so will your children. Prayers and blessings to you and yours.

Feb 17th 2013 new

(Quote) Rebecca-767861 said: Why cant it be about the kids? why arent the kids worth some time? maybe even taking them to a ...
(Quote) Rebecca-767861 said:

Why cant it be about the kids? why arent the kids worth some time? maybe even taking them to a movie? SUre its Christmas, but thats ok.

Last year, Dad came by the house for an hour, no gifts (which is fine, $ is short, although he will NEVER be without his cell or smokes) and the kids saw him ( the younger two of mine age 10, 11 at the time) it was "something"...

Yes they have seen him maybe 2-4xs tops this past year but its CHRISTMAS?! I cant fathom this going on year after year. No word from him. No call yet no txt...Its always an unpredictable mystery. Its so sad for my children, sad for me...

Looking for prayers, hugs, from anyone who can relate....

feeling lousy,,,

--hide--



I am sorry to hear about your situation. My children's father bowed out of their lives 12 years ago. He has since remarried and has adopted a child. It hurts to know he cares more about the family he has now than of the children he had with me. He hasn't even bothered to get to know our precious granddaughters from our older son. I too went through years of asking why and feeling sad and hurt for my children. But then I realized that I am blessed because I have 3 precious adult children who have adjusted well to their lives. He is not part of their lives and they have learned to accept it. They have no expectations of him and so aren't disappointed when he doesn't follow through. The best advice I can give you is that this is his problem not yours or your childrens. I know this isn't easy to understand because it took us years to get there. You will eventually and so will your children. Prayers and blessings to you and yours.

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