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Hello,


This is my first time posting, so bear with me. I was wondering if any other divorced people have experienced a double-standard with their children regarding new relationships. My ex and I divorced because of another woman. My girls were devastated, but through lots of prayer and counseling, they are better than ever. They have since met their dad's girlfriend and like her, which I'm glad for. But they do get upset that he does not focus on them 100% when they are with him because of her.


The problem is this: they do not tell their father how it makes them feel because they have been down this road, and he only gets mad at them for it. They are, however, projecting their feelings onto me. I have not even begun to date anyone, not even close. Nevertheless, they get VERY upset at the thought of me ever having another boyfriend. They think that I am going to do to them what their father has done to them: put them second. I would never EVER do that, but they want it to just be the three of us forever.


I am not the kind of person to make promises I can't keep, but I don't know what to tell my girls when they tell me to "never get a boyfriend".


Any thoughts? Thanks! boggled

Dec 28th 2012 new
FIRST POST ALERT!!!!!
Dec 28th 2012 new

(Quote) Sheryl-808229 said: Hello, This is my first time posting, so bear with me. I was wondering if any other d...
(Quote) Sheryl-808229 said:

Hello,


This is my first time posting, so bear with me. I was wondering if any other divorced people have experienced a double-standard with their children regarding new relationships. My ex and I divorced because of another woman. My girls were devastated, but through lots of prayer and counseling, they are better than ever. They have since met their dad's girlfriend and like her, which I'm glad for. But they do get upset that he does not focus on them 100% when they are with him because of her.


The problem is this: they do not tell their father how it makes them feel because they have been down this road, and he only gets mad at them for it. They are, however, projecting their feelings onto me. I have not even begun to date anyone, not even close. Nevertheless, they get VERY upset at the thought of me ever having another boyfriend. They think that I am going to do to them what their father has done to them: put them second. I would never EVER do that, but they want it to just be the three of us forever.


I am not the kind of person to make promises I can't keep, but I don't know what to tell my girls when they tell me to "never get a boyfriend".


Any thoughts? Thanks!

--hide--
They don't say parenting is the hardest job in the world for nothing! You didn't mention how old the kids are- I can imagine it would be more difficult if they are younger. It's too bad their dad is a jerk. My stepsons were little when I married their mom. They were pretty much abandoned by their bio-dad, so it took a little time before they accepted me. Your daughters may come around to your dating at some point down the road. Talk to your priest. Wishing you a Christ-centered relationship with a guy who is man enough to already know that children come first!

You will find people here on CM far better qualified to give you advice.

Good luck Sheryl, and may you and your children have a Happy and Blessed New Year!

Dec 28th 2012 new

(Quote) Sheryl-808229 said: Hello, This is my first time posting, so bear with me. I was wondering if any other d...
(Quote) Sheryl-808229 said:

Hello,


This is my first time posting, so bear with me. I was wondering if any other divorced people have experienced a double-standard with their children regarding new relationships. My ex and I divorced because of another woman. My girls were devastated, but through lots of prayer and counseling, they are better than ever. They have since met their dad's girlfriend and like her, which I'm glad for. But they do get upset that he does not focus on them 100% when they are with him because of her.


The problem is this: they do not tell their father how it makes them feel because they have been down this road, and he only gets mad at them for it. They are, however, projecting their feelings onto me. I have not even begun to date anyone, not even close. Nevertheless, they get VERY upset at the thought of me ever having another boyfriend. They think that I am going to do to them what their father has done to them: put them second. I would never EVER do that, but they want it to just be the three of us forever.


I am not the kind of person to make promises I can't keep, but I don't know what to tell my girls when they tell me to "never get a boyfriend".


Any thoughts? Thanks!


--hide--


I know exactly where you are coming from Cheryl. I have tried to ease into this very slowly, particularly with my teenage daughter. My son is much more open to it and actually encourages it. Be careful, especially if your daughters are teenagers. Try to explain it to them and make them understand that once they leave the house to pursue their own lives, you will be alone and that you are sure that this is not what they would want for you.

Dec 28th 2012 new

(Quote) Yvonne-395154 said: I know exactly where you are coming from Cheryl. I have tried to ease into this ver...
(Quote) Yvonne-395154 said:


I know exactly where you are coming from Cheryl. I have tried to ease into this very slowly, particularly with my teenage daughter. My son is much more open to it and actually encourages it. Be careful, especially if your daughters are teenagers. Try to explain it to them and make them understand that once they leave the house to pursue their own lives, you will be alone and that you are sure that this is not what they would want for you.

--hide--


I have to ask... is it really a case where children are more accepting of their father entering into a new relationship than their mother, or is a more a case where a child's natural instinct to be more protective of than mother than they feel they need to be of their father, especially and considering the fact that the mother is usually more physically present in their childrens' daily lives during the period of time in which the marriage is collapsing, and their pain and emotions become more evident to their children than perhaps their father's?


Just a thought...


theheart

Dec 28th 2012 new

(Quote) Victor-544727 said: I have to ask... is it really a case where children are more accepting of their fat...
(Quote) Victor-544727 said:


I have to ask... is it really a case where children are more accepting of their father entering into a new relationship than their mother, or is a more a case where a child's natural instinct to be more protective of than mother than they feel they need to be of their father, especially and considering the fact that the mother is usually more physically present in their childrens' daily lives during the period of time in which the marriage is collapsing, and their pain and emotions become more evident to their children than perhaps their father's?


Just a thought...

--hide--


I think that it is more the protective instinct that you speak of. Whomever is there to pick up the pieces for them is the one that they are often more loyal to. When you see what your children go through day in and day out and when you all are healing together, then yes they both do not want to let go of your undivided attention nor do they want you to get hurt. A tough predicament at times when as an adult you crave something for yourself.



Dec 28th 2012 new

(Quote) Yvonne-395154 said: I think that it is more the protective instinct that you speak of. Whomever is ther...
(Quote) Yvonne-395154 said:


I think that it is more the protective instinct that you speak of. Whomever is there to pick up the pieces for them is the one that they are often more loyal to. When you see what your children go through day in and day out and when you all are healing together, then yes they both do not want to let go of your undivided attention nor do they want you to get hurt. A tough predicament at times when as an adult you crave something for yourself.



--hide--


Actually, I am one of those kids. My parents first split when I was 11 and reconciled 2.5 years later, only to then have my father be told that his cancer was incurable and finally lose that battle less than 2 years later.


Basically, in the span of 5 years, I went through it twice... 3 times if you include his medical diagnosis.


theheart

Dec 29th 2012 new
I was one of those kids that had to deal with divorced parents because my father cheated. My father completely disowned me afterwards and avoided me at all costs. When I bumped into him a few years ago he was with a third woman after his second divorce and pretended like he didn't know who I was because he didn't want his third wife to know about me. My mom remarried when I was young and my stepfather didn't treat me very well growing up either. That is the nature and consequence of divorce.

I would express my opinion more definitively if I knew the age of your daughters because that makes a big difference in any response that you should get. When he pays less attention to his daughters while he is around his girlfriend your daughters will need to acknowledge that it is their fathers fault, there is something wrong with him, and it is of no fault of their own for any neglect he displays towards them. They will just need to accept the current condition of their father as he is no matter how much grief they suffer from it. They can continue to fight it but doing so will only make them more unhappy and drag their elevated frustrations onward into time. The sooner they acknowledge there is something wrong with their father, the sooner they can move on. They need to understand that only he can better himself and there is nothing they can do to change him.

They are wrong for projecting their feelings onto you. I was guilty of the same thing when I was younger with my mother. I blamed her party for the divorce and she didn't argue with me, she just said a few worlds and mostly kept silent. Later on I figured out that my mom was blameless and regret some of the things that I said when I was younger as I got older.

Your daughters responsibility is to understand where the fault falls. There are no magic words you can say to assure them that you are not going to put them second. Your responsibility is this, when they express concern you are just going to have to calmly restate your case and eventually prove them wrong. The most important thing is that when they express their concerns, just listen to them and never argue about it with them. They need to know that you are 100% on their side and listening will go a long way. Arguing will make them feel much worse. You will need to be the best listener that you can be.

Another thing that you will really need to understand is how much the divorce affects them depending on how old they are. The divorce will affect them forever but it will only affect you until you find someone else. The majority of the grief falls on their shoulders so you will need to be very understanding of their feelings. My mom was healed after getting remarried but my pain in this regard continues to some degree. Your daughters should count their blessings and realize that their situation could be worse.
Dec 29th 2012 new

(Quote) Victor-544727 said: Actually, I am one of those kids. My parents first split when I was 11 and reconciled ...
(Quote) Victor-544727 said:

Actually, I am one of those kids. My parents first split when I was 11 and reconciled 2.5 years later, only to then have my father be told that his cancer was incurable and finally lose that battle less than 2 years later.


Basically, in the span of 5 years, I went through it twice... 3 times if you include his medical diagnosis.

--hide--

I am very sorry for you, once is most definitely enough. My children also went through it twice, literally. One day he called out of the blue and stated that he wanted to work things out. At this point I had been doing lots of soul searching and researcching how to get your marriage back together, mostly by reading books on the subject that were written by Catholics for a Catholic marriage. After 6 months of moving back in and stating how much he wanted to work things out, once again he slowly faded out of the picture. That was painful, especially to my daughter who was six the first time and 8 the second time. They say that time heals all wounds, but for them, especially her, the wounds barely have a light scab that can be torn open again at any time with some of the comments/discussions that she has with him.

Dec 29th 2012 new

They are 12 and 8. My younger one doesn't seem to care, but the older one definitely does.

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