Faith Focused Dating. Create your Free Profile and meet your Match! Sign Up for Free

info: Please Sign Up or Sign In to continue.

A place to learn, mingle, and share

Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

Jan 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Lynette-852719 said: I just found this... St. John Chrysostom suggests ...
(Quote) Lynette-852719 said:

I just found this...

St. John Chrysostom suggests that young husbands should say to their wives: I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself. For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us. . . . I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you.150

--hide--
Wow! Incredible! theheart

Jan 3rd 2013 new

Ms. Caroline, you and I have something in common! I am single with 5 also, so yea it won't be easy for the likes of us. With God's grace and guidance, good things will come our way when the time is right.

Jan 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Shara-929649 said: Mine took 8 months from start to finish. Hang in there.
(Quote) Shara-929649 said:

Mine took 8 months from start to finish. Hang in there.

--hide--
I thought having a child was a 9 month process...... scratchchin

Oh, you're talking about your annulment...... rolling eyes laughing

Jan 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Ray-566531 said: I thought having a child was a 9 month process...... Oh, you're talking about your annul...
(Quote) Ray-566531 said:

I thought having a child was a 9 month process......

Oh, you're talking about your annulment......

--hide--


Oh, contraire, young Raymond! Being a parent is a lifetime calling. The first nine months are just preparation. wink


Do the moms here agree with me? heart


theheart

Jan 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Victor-544727 said: Oh, contraire, young Raymond! Being a parent is a lifetime calling. The first nine ...
(Quote) Victor-544727 said:


Oh, contraire, young Raymond! Being a parent is a lifetime calling. The first nine months are just preparation.


Do the moms here agree with me?

--hide--
Not only the moms, but the daddies will agree with you also. The 9 months period of time referred strictly to the time you called "preparation".

Jan 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Michael-780154 said: Having been married to a woman before who already had a child, I can comment ...
(Quote) Michael-780154 said:

Having been married to a woman before who already had a child, I can comment on this one from experience.

I love children and have no problem with taking on responsibilities as a step parent, but my experience was that HER child came before the marriage, and there wasn't a feeling of "us" during the course of the marriage.

So, in considering ladies to date once annulled, I would struggle with women who say "my children come first". Yes, children must be cared for and loved, but as a potential husband I would pray that our marriage would come first and that I would be my spouse's hero... and also able to participate fully in raising her children and setting an example as a Catholic father/dad to them when they're not in the care of their natural father. It is a major turnoff for men seeking to establish relationships with "single mothers" to be told "my child comes first." As a guy, I'd have to say to them, " What am I? Chopped liver? Thanks for letting me know how you value me... guess this shows where you'll place our marriage on your priority list..."

Father or mother, it is important that ALL "single again" parents seeking remarriage (not just moms) with children are careful to place their priorities in the correct order. I believe that, behind our Lord, our spouses come first. Children come second. As stewardesses say, put your own oxygen mask on first, then your child's. In other words, build and maintain a loving marital relationship where both people know they are loved and valued, and then use the blessing of that love to care for the children.

Certainly, children must take priority from time to time... but if a spouse feels undervalued then resentments can develop that will destroy a marriage.

I cared for my (ex) wife's daughter as if she were my own... to the point of putting her through a few years of private school at my own expense due to poor public schools where I was stationed (schools were dangerous, actually...) The financial aspects of caring for another man's children, when that man isn't paying child support, can be an issue. However, I strongly believe that if the wife loves her husband, lets him know he is her hero, and allows him to actively parent his stepchildren, that the financial aspects of raising another man's children aren't necessarily showstoppers. Your mileage may vary... and other men may believe differently...

Enough for now... 'tis late for this very early riser and I'm rambling.



Michael

--hide--


Michael, THANK YOU so much for writing this. I often wanted to say just that to men, when I see that written in their profiles. (Instead I run for the hills)... It is wonderful to love your children...but they shouldn't come first. The marriage is the foundation of the family. The children will learn and grow and build from that foundation. They will not have respect for the parental unit, if it is not a unit. Also, I always wonder what will happen when the children are grown and gone? Will the marriage be better or will it have been too late? What if the children die, or become horribly sick or dysfunctional during the marriage...is the marriage strong enough to handle that, if one spouse always put the child before the other spouse? When I marry, I want to marry for LOVE. I want to envision myself with someone special when we are old and in our 80's children may or may not even be in the picture. Let's be honest, some of these kids don't stay cute and sweet for very long...some end up into drugs and in prison...no matter how great the parenting. Just my thoughts...

Jan 3rd 2013 new

(Quote) Michelle-920900 said: Ms. Caroline, you and I have something in common! I am single with 5 also, so yea it won't...
(Quote) Michelle-920900 said:

Ms. Caroline, you and I have something in common! I am single with 5 also, so yea it won't be easy for the likes of us. With God's grace and guidance, good things will come our way when the time is right.

--hide--

Don't be discouraged. If God has someone for you it will happen.

Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Laura-695247 said: Michael, THANK YOU so much for writing this. I often wanted to say just that to men, when...
(Quote) Laura-695247 said:



Michael, THANK YOU so much for writing this. I often wanted to say just that to men, when I see that written in their profiles. (Instead I run for the hills)... It is wonderful to love your children...but they shouldn't come first. The marriage is the foundation of the family. The children will learn and grow and build from that foundation. They will not have respect for the parental unit, if it is not a unit. Also, I always wonder what will happen when the children are grown and gone? Will the marriage be better or will it have been too late? What if the children die, or become horribly sick or dysfunctional during the marriage...is the marriage strong enough to handle that, if one spouse always put the child before the other spouse? When I marry, I want to marry for LOVE. I want to envision myself with someone special when we are old and in our 80's children may or may not even be in the picture. Let's be honest, some of these kids don't stay cute and sweet for very long...some end up into drugs and in prison...no matter how great the parenting. Just my thoughts...

--hide--

Laura, Thank you for your reply. I've always wondered on this site and others, why a woman would dare say that her child(ren) from a previous relationship comes first. That's relegating the marriage/husband to immediate second class citizen status and no man in his right mind would EVER pursue a woman who puts her children from another relationship ahead of her (new) husband and family. And, men who do marry a woman who already has children should be allowed to parent. As you said, this is about presenting a unified "front" of two loving parents who support each other and build a family--TOGETHER.

I'm speaking a little more freely than I otherwise would, thanks to a hard fought and difficult seven mile run this morning. As much as I'd love to be a "stand up" guy and jump right on into such a relationship, I have enough self respect and life's experience to not go down that road again. Been there. Done that. Worst mistake of my life, and wish I'd sought premarital counseling for some wise advice from a pastor (this was well before I ever thought of becoming Catholic...)


Michael

Jan 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Michael-780154 said: Laura, Thank you for your reply. I've always wondered on this site and others, why...
(Quote) Michael-780154 said:

Laura, Thank you for your reply. I've always wondered on this site and others, why a woman would dare say that her child(ren) from a previous relationship comes first. That's relegating the marriage/husband to immediate second class citizen status and no man in his right mind would EVER pursue a woman who puts her children from another relationship ahead of her (new) husband and family. And, men who do marry a woman who already has children should be allowed to parent. As you said, this is about presenting a unified "front" of two loving parents who support each other and build a family--TOGETHER.

I'm speaking a little more freely than I otherwise would, thanks to a hard fought and difficult seven mile run this morning. As much as I'd love to be a "stand up" guy and jump right on into such a relationship, I have enough self respect and life's experience to not go down that road again. Been there. Done that. Worst mistake of my life, and wish I'd sought premarital counseling for some wise advice from a pastor (this was well before I ever thought of becoming Catholic...)


Michael

--hide--

Laura/Michael

Just so you know the and you probably do, the Chuch agrees with you. It says that we should take care of ourspouse first and children second. I think that if you have a good spouse then you both end up taking care of the kids as it now both of your jobs to love them and get them to heaven. To put the kids above of your spouse is mis-placed charity. I think that if someone is coming from an inbalanced relationship where a partner did not know how to love well then the natural inclination due to the hurt from that relationship would be to protect the kids and overcompensate for that lost love. It is however an instinct borne out of hurt not the proper way a marriage should work if balanced and focused on the Lord.

This is why it is so important to have separation between relationships so that hurt like this and other mal-formed or skewed ways of handling situations can be dealt with and so that you can re-learn to love in a healthy way.

Jan 4th 2013 new

I am going to try to explain the other side of this scenario. I haven't read all the replies, so excuse me if I repeat what's already been said. For a man or a woman to not put their children first before dating, would be an injustice and likely be viewed as neglect. Our children, like our spouses, are precious gifts from God. They are entrusted to our care. When thrown in the midst of death or divorce, their world has already been shaken and scattered. As their parent, we do what we can to restore their faith, their hope and their security. To ignore their feelings, again would negate any recovery they may have began. They don't express grief as an adult. They need time to process. While we can't let them rule our households or set the groundwork for our new relationships, we definitely have to work with them and their feelings. I'm speaking of those children that still live at home. If I would, for example, date a man and allow him to discipline or set the rules for my kids, I would most certainly face rebellion. Like a fine wine, a relationship needs time to mature, maybe longer when our kids are concerned. By the time I were to walk down the aisle, I would hope that my husband would have shown enough sensitivity to allow the progression of trust. Teens especially don't just turn over the reins to the first guy that comes along. They may have misguided views about their roles in the family and see themselves as protector. Each situation, each child, each dynamic will be different. For the man that has the patience and perserverance to work through the process, the rewards will be great. You will be given the respect you deserve to lead and guide your new family.

Boys and girls need strong male role models on their lives. They don't need czars.

Posts 101 - 110 of 162