Children’s Letter to God
Dear God, We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. Did he steal your idea?
A Leg up on Theft
When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.
Consensus.. or Nonsensus?
Definition of a committee: A group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decides that nothing can be done.
It’s not up to me!
A weary elevator operator at a department store had patiently answered shoppers’ questions all day. Just before closing, a voice from the rear of the crowded car piped up, “Suppose the elevator cables broke, would we go up or down?”
The operator’s patience finally gave way. “That,” he answered, “depends entirely on the kind of life you’ve been living.”
Dying by the book
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
Children’s Letter to God
An English teacher gave his high school class an in class assignment to come up with new words by combining existing words muc like the formation of compound words. After letting them create some words he asked for a volunteer to teach the class his new word. The student said "My word is snurine." The teacher excitedly asked him what that word meant. The student replied "yellow snow." The class erupted with laughter. The teacher's enthusiastic smile disappeared and he said, "I don't think you guys are taking this assignment seriously!"
Best Divorce Letter
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.
So take care.
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that’s not a problem.
The Lords way of getting even with us when the need arises.
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished.. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Kids ideas of angels
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. ~~~Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. ~~~Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. ~~~Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. ~~~Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. ~~~Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! ~~~Jack, 6
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. ~~~Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. ~~~Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. ~~~Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. ~~~Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. ~~~ Lynn , 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. ~~~Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. ~~~ Sarah, 7
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. ~~~Daniel, 9