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This room is for those who have lost a spouse and need support or who can provide support to those who have.

Saint Paula is the patron saint of widows and Saint Stephen is the patron saint of deacons
Learn More: Saint Stephen and Saint Paula

Jan 7th 2013 new

(Quote) Catherine-885647 said: Theresa I can understand so much of what you are going through. I was widowed three and a half years...
(Quote) Catherine-885647 said: Theresa I can understand so much of what you are going through. I was widowed three and a half years ago at age 40 and have two young children. My married friends are all wonderful, but there is definitely a sense now of not fitting in as well. It's also strange in the beginning of each school year when my children meet new friends, or maybe start up on a new sports team. I meet the parents and I know after a while they must be wondering where my children's father is...but they never ask, and it's not always something that can be easily slipped into casual conversation. Once when my son was in first grade, one of his friends was over and found out from my son that his father had died. And he blurted out, "So THAT'S why we never see him!" Kids are so unfiltered.

Sigh.

I've also found myself laughing about the over 45/under 45 thing. Feels like we belong on the 'Isle of Misfit Toys' like the old Christmas special!

Hang in there!
--hide--


"Isle of Misfit Toys" is a great analogy. And, I see all the negative in the rooms and that makes me uncomfortable. There are several things I would do differently (though thankfully not many) if David were alive...the biggest that comes to mind is not to complain when he hung his boxer shorts in the bathroom. If I am fortunate enough to remarry, my new husband can hang anything he wants in the bathrooms. When I hear all the negative stuff about men and women in the other rooms, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Marriage is work and we all are imperfect. I expect to work at a new marriage and reap the wonderful benefits of loving and being loved. Until then, I am the odd man (woman) out and it feels very strange.

Hope you guys will keep posting in here. Our reality really does put a much different spin on our perspective of life.


- Elizabeth

Feb 3rd 2013 new

I was widowed at 42 with five children under age 14. I didn't fit in anywhere.

CM helped a lot, but I still haven't really found "my place" yet.

Feb 4th 2013 new

Darlin', when you see the negative stuff, you have to speak up!


So many unmarried folks have unrealistic expectations about relationships. They fuss about all the unimportant stuff and don't approach it with a spirit of generosity. We who have had happy marriages can teach them that.

Feb 4th 2013 new

(Quote) Theresa-637436 said: So I was thinking about this the other day. Where in the world do I fit in anymore? Being a you...
(Quote) Theresa-637436 said:

So I was thinking about this the other day. Where in the world do I fit in anymore? Being a younger widow presents a whole new range of issues-one of which is feeling like I am an outsider to a lot of groups now. I guess I just have a hard time relating to a lot of people my own age. I have gone to a few grief support meetings and most of the people are decades older. I have a few divorced friends and our issues are completely different. I feel like the third wheel a lot of times but I force myself to just do things with married couples.


Even here-lol I am 44. Do I post on the over 45 or under 45 forums? Most of the single people my age are divorced and not widowed. Sometimes I just feel like I have very little in common with others the same age.


Anyone else feel like this?

[/quote]

--hide--
My advice, Theresa is to freely move around the various topics in the forum. Except for the divorced -- you will be allowed to read but not respond. Many of us here feel the way you do regardless of age. Loneliness is a tough cross for widows and widowers. The Lord understood the plight of widows(ers) because He mentions them in the bible quite often. That is, until you meet the person God has intended for you, you have increased your chances of meeting someone by being on CM. Whether it happens soon or later, you have just helped God find you someone. You know how the saying goes, "God helps those who help themselves". You will be embraced by all here at CM because we all came here with similar if not worse set of circumstances. Some are touchier than others and will often seem (and I mean seem) sensitive to what others have to say. I don't think they mean to be mean, just trying to understand many things about the love dynamic. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on. soapbox That's it for now. Welcome to CM and read on sister.

Mar 1st 2013 new

(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said: I often get the feeling that some of the folks who have been my friends for years wish I woul...
(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said:

I often get the feeling that some of the folks who have been my friends for years wish I would just hurry up and remarry. It's almost like I stick out in a crowd. Yuk, I hate that. I think we have little in common with anyone who has not lost a spouse to death.

--hide--


Someone said this to me, and I thought it was very accurate. We live in a couples society, and if you're not part of a couple then people view you as somehow "broken". I was widowed at 37 (my wife was also 37 when she passed) and almost everyone wants to do know I'm dating, or close to "poppig the question" again. In fact, my sister-in-law (I know she means well) had started telling people that she knew marriage was just around the corner for me within 1 week (yes week) eyepopping of me burrying my wife! For added clarity, the woman I was supposed ot marry was a very close friend of mine for many years, and someone my wife and I spent time with as a couple.


Looking back on that, I had a good laugh at that because I told the girl I was supposed to marry, to expect a ring any moment! What can I say, I needed a laugh, and I knew that would provide it. laughing laughing

Mar 1st 2013 new

(Quote) Catherine-885647 said: I've also found myself laughing about the over 45/under 45 thing. Feels like we belong o...
(Quote) Catherine-885647 said:

I've also found myself laughing about the over 45/under 45 thing. Feels like we belong on the 'Isle of Misfit Toys' like the old Christmas special!

--hide--


Well at least I won't be alone ... I hang out in the "Isle of Misfit Toys" all the time! shhh Next time you're there say hi! wave

Mar 1st 2013 new

(Quote) Marge-938695 said: Darlin', when you see the negative stuff, you have to speak up!So many unmarried ...
(Quote) Marge-938695 said:

Darlin', when you see the negative stuff, you have to speak up!


So many unmarried folks have unrealistic expectations about relationships. They fuss about all the unimportant stuff and don't approach it with a spirit of generosity. We who have had happy marriages can teach them that.

--hide--


I honestly think that stems from the fact that so many people DO NOT know what marriage is! So many people think it's a vacation, instead of a vocation! I was almost amazed when someone suggested they wouldn't want to date me because I couldn't get married in the Church (and another asked me if I could ever re-marry in the eyes of the Church). When people don't understand the basics that marriage is a calling for life (NOT eternity). You'd be surprised at the number of people who laugh and think the joke about 3 (or 4) rings in marriage is funny.


So in case you don't know there are 4 rings to marriage, the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering! laughing A great Catholic speaker told that joke at a conference and after the laughter subsided he said, "everyone who laughed must be single because you don't understand what I just said is true". After a few "gasps" he continued with what was likely the best line of the whole day. Anyone who thinks that true love does not require great suffering NEEDS to spend more time contemplating the Crucifix!


OK that's my rant for tonight ... graciously steps of my soap-box!

Mar 2nd 2013 new

(Quote) RuthAnn-913648 said: I hated the pitying looks people would give me when I disclosed my status.
(Quote) RuthAnn-913648 said: I hated the pitying looks people would give me when I disclosed my status.
--hide--
I hated people quickly sidling away as if it was contagious.

Mar 2nd 2013 new

Laugh. Exactly! People act like widowhood is contagious especially in the military circles and the way it happened. I feel totally displaced and even my own family didn't know what to say, thus they didn't talk to me for almost a year. It had nothing to do with them not liking me, but with not knowing what to say. My mom apologized recently because my dad is dying and she realizes just how important those connections are. Add in the people thinking you want their husbands or that consider you a third wheel. For humor, throw in the people who think early widows need plastic surgery, breast augmentations, to get drunk, or sleep around, I don't fit in except in the running world--laugh

Mar 3rd 2013 new

I think there's a double standard.

Widowers re-marry an average of 2 years after their loss. Widows, OTOH, average...7 years. I think this (in part) because married people think a widower is "available" (and incompetent to care for himself) while a widow is "mourning".

Peter, I think your experience reflects this.

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