I know that the first about 11 months I was not wrapped too tight. I think that the best things to to get them engaged in the "real world" again and always have a open ear if they should call.
Getting back into the real world can be difficult, especially when you're known as being someones spouse, and they're no longer with you - but I agree keeping busy is the best way to help you focus on something other then your grief.
For me, a good friend of mine started to convince me (again) to join the K of C. He had tried convincing me before my beloved took ill, and for whatever reason I didn't think it was for me. A month or so after she passed he gave me a personallized invitation card that said "When you're ready". Most of the guys didn't know me as Steph's husband, and some of them are even surprised to hear that I'm widowed.
So I guess I'm trying to say that if you can find a way of getting into the real world where you're not going to get "Oh you're so and so's husband / wife" a lot things will be easier.
Hi there - okay, I am trying to decide if this is a good idea. My gut tells me to do it but I don't want to hurt her.
These are very, very good friends; we've "adopted" them here to the point where they were calling my whole family "our American family," their son calls my mom Granny too, etcetera.
His saint was St. Valentine. He was also the kind of guy who did send flowers and that kind of thing. This is so soon after her loss is the only thing making me pause. I think though I want to send her flowers, I know it will probably make her cry but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I know it's going to be a rough day, she will be thinking of him anyway.
I think you've just discovered the classic myth of widows. I don't want to do something because it will make them think of their beloved ... well reality is they likely already are. Yes you may make them cry, but they may have cried anyway, and as you said that's not always a bad thing. I'm sure that they are feeling forgotten and alone will help the most!
[quote]Katherine-868943 said: Hi there - okay, I am trying to decide if this is a good idea. My gut tells me to do it but I don't want to hurt her.../quote]
Katherine, my birthday was approximately one month after my late husband passed away. My crew at work bought me flowers and treated me to lunch. It was such a loving, touching gesture that I've never forgotten it, and never will. The people I counted most as friends, let me talk, and talk, and talk - without judgment or helpful advice. They just let me talk. Widows and widowers need to do that sometimes.
Bring toilet paper, KLEENEX, paper plates and plastic ware. . .brilliant ideas I had never thought of before but helped tremendously, especially the Kleenex and toilet paper.
I don't want to disgard the value of doing something like this, but I also have to share that my response would have been "No! Not toilet paper!"
My beloved loved sales, and when everyday items went on sale she would stock up, or when she was ill, would send me all over town to stock up. If the local pharmacy chain had a TP sale I'd be sent to get the maximum at every store within driving distance. There were days I came home with a trunck full of TP. I have what would have been enough to last us several years, and now single likely a lifetime supply of TP in the basement.
I would have loved plastic utensils, and paper plates though ... because my dishwasher broke down around the time that she passed away! I was so upset that it took so long to get service I called the repair company and said "I'm single, and I'm looking forward to dishes that are cleaner then Monty can get them", Monty being my fur baby (the worlds cutest Sheltie).
Thanks everyone - I wanted to give you a quick update. I sent her some orchids for Valentine's. This weekend I ran into a professor at another university who knew her husband, and she let me know they are going to dedicate this year's literary journal to him and send her a copy. I'm trying to get sleepovers set up for her kids (her son can come sleep over here, got to find one of big sister's friends parents who are okay that night too) so she can have some time either out with friends or whatever she needs.