Go get a good therapist who will help you understand why you think you are so undeserving of a good man
Thank you, Rachel. I've been to many therapists, counselors, coaches and gurus, who all advise me to read books on self-esteem. I really do love the Hudson Valley, where he lives. I was happy to hear him confide in me, as apparently he has never really been understood or close to other women. He tells me he's not good with relationships, that women always hurt him. His ex told him she felt like she always had to walk on eggshells around him because he's so sensitive, and he was very hurt by that. I know his father was essentially a criminal, and the only love he knew growing up was from his grandfather and his mother. He's estranged from his remaining family now, estranged from his old partner on the police force, rarely sees even his closest friends. He's been abandoned by everybody but me, it seems, and that's part of my frustration, because I am always accepting and forgiving. One of the things I always strive to do is be willing to surrender completely to what I believe to be god's purpose for me, to be willing to give up everything and everyone I have ever known, make any sacrifice, knowing that my prayers will be answered at last.
First, welcome the the CM Forum, Cathy. It is a wonderful place to share comments, humor, woes, and joys. Please continue to read the different threads posted in the various rooms, and post often, so the online community can get to know you better.
I have no advice for you at this point that hasn't been already mentioned, and I especially like what Brian has noted...Everything seems not to appear as it should... That said, since you provided a first name (CM rules indicate that names/profile #'s shouldn't be revealed ) I invested a few minutes on your behalf, and conducted a "photo search" of men between the ages of 50-65with a 100 mile radius in the Poughkeepsie NY area. The search netted only two men with that name--one divorced, and one widowed. The divorced man has a beard, and the widowed one does not. My response to the profile photo was that Brian's cautions should be HIGHLY attended to...
If it were me, I'd place a HELP ticket to the CM Admin and check to be sure that this person is indeed "available", and not posting under a pseudonym from an alternate address...Just my
Thank you, Beverly. Sorry I didn't realize I shouldn't have mentioned his first name. In any case, we met on a different site; he has never been on this one and isn't likely to be on it. I appreciate everyone's concerns that there is something that he hasn't told me; however, I have conducted an extensive background check (used to make my living as an investigator) and verified that he is who and what he purports to be. All I can figure is, one of more of these may apply: There may be a certain type of woman he is looking for and he will pursue that type, even though that might be the type who doesn't want him or will just use him and toss him aside; He's a retired cop and they do sometimes have problems in relationships; He genuinely likes me and doesn't want to "hurt my feelings" by telling me I just don't appeal to me in some way; He enjoys the adoration and getting his "fix" of attention from me, knowing that no matter how shabbily he treats me, I will always still be there for him. What's difficult for me is the inconsistency; he called right away when his best friend told him I was in town, and even demanded to know who I was going out to dinner with when I told him I couldn't talk right then because I was on my way out to dinner with a friend (platonic friend). It makes no sense to me that he'd be acting "jealous" when he wouldn't take me out himself. Yet someone pointed out that this was more of a control issue than one of "jealousy." I can guess that the lack of control he feels in his life does make him want to be in control of his "relationship" with me, and when he can decide when to pick up the phone or sit down at the computer to write, that's enough. He gave me his address and phone but not his cell phone, seemed angry I would ask for that but then quickly said he rarely uses it. He complained to me he has no one to travel with in his fancy RV down to Florida (where I have a home), and even asked me to look up various amenities at campsites along the way, which I did. But though he lamented not having a navigator, he didn't want me to go, and indeed, made the trip alone to celebrate his last birthday. (I sent him a nice coffee mug last year but he said he was going to return it so I wouldn't think he was "taking advantage of me"; I told him to dispose of it as he pleased, it was freely given and I didn't want it back. This year, I just sent a simply card.) After the last RV trip, he called to tell me he'd gotten lost and wished he'd had someone with him. This week, he is again on his way to Florida to celebrate his birthday alone, and again I wish he would have asked me to go along. Same with his sailboat; he complains he has no one to sail with, resents paying all that money to put it in the marina and haul it out again unused year after year. (The timeshare and the boat and the RV and now a new additional motorcycle were all purchased for previous girlfriends; seems he's a lot like me in how far he is willing to go to win the person he desires, only to be rejected anyway.)
I certainly do appreciate all the comments I'm receiving, surprised that so many people do care. I do appreciate the comments from men especially, as what men are looking for is so hard for me to understand.
Dear Cathy, I think this link will answer some of your questions. Whomever and wherever this guy is, he is not worth your time. I would say you are a very eligible, beautiful single lady and you need to know that!
He needs to be kicked to the curb immediately. I fear for your attachment to him not being healthy for you and I may be wrong on this, but as a concerned gal just want to put it out there.
He is showing lack of interest and Lack of RESPECT and I am sure his friends just blow you off politely as they don't want to get involved. This is so not a healthy relationship. If he put someother person ahead of you for a few months until she blew him off, if you don't end it he will always think he can come back. I would say RESPECT yourself dear Cathy. You are a beautiful, worthy person.
Stay in this lovely community of CM. It has strengthened me. Sometimes you will read things you don't agree with and sometimes you will. Stay active, stop contacting him even though you want to, grieve and move on for your own sanity and get out and meet people.
Prayers for peace dear Cathy and I wish you all the best! Your not the only one who has been the caretaker and are not alone and has been stepped on. Just be True to yourself First and foremost and then the rest will fall into place. It all starts from within. Being confident of who you are, and then the men will start flocking and by then you won't be interested in them or at least can be a Bit Picky:)
Men like this make me ANGRY! Be truthful and stop the Games. We are all adults here!!!
As for him, he is who he says he is. I did a thorough check on him,
No -- you did a check on who he claims to be, who may be someone else entirely.
The women here have given you some very good advice: you really need to think and pray about it. Your immediate responses here indicate you are doing neither.
First things first: give up on this guy. Now. No explanation, no goodbye. Just cut him off. Forever. Even if -- nay, ESPECIALLY if -- he starts trying to get closer after you cut it off. If at all possible, move away: if not to where you came from, then somewhere a reasonable distance away.
As for a relationship: remember, that will be in God's time. Stop looking; start working on improving yourself spiritually. Embrace God. When you are ready, God will send you a person.