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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
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Jan 12th 2013 new

Obviously you are talking about overcoming lng distance and different cultures. I've seen two ways that a long distance relationship works out

(1) it started when the couple was living in the same area and they continued the relationship. I've seen several times

(2) they got to know each other really well over the internet, then they got together for a short while and decided to get married (just one case!)

My opinion (and obviously a limited one at that!) It's expensive and difficult and you both need to be decisive!



Jan 13th 2013 new
(Quote) Frank-901618 said: Thank you for all your contributions!Pat, I do know the challenges - in Europe we are often warned abou...
(Quote) Frank-901618 said:

Thank you for all your contributions!

Pat, I do know the challenges - in Europe we are often warned about the 'taking false benefit'-side in these relationships. However in the particular thing I am very lucky (rather, I feel God is providing), that those dates are living or will be living in Europe temporarily. So there is more time to get to know each other - and even though the distance may still be great, there's less difficulty with timedifference on Skype, for example.

I am looking near me but it seems in my country it is so difficult to be a catholic (or even tend to the natural way of things in romance, if you get what I mean - promiscuity or relativism on lots of different levels). What might comfort as well is that in seminary I had a lot of classmates from Latin America, and a lot of my catholic Dutch friends also have 'international' relationship.

I took special attention to your warnings about 'the loneliness of the person who is leaving her/his country', and 'the family reaction'. I have noticed with my previous date that she was very comfortable in her own country so then rationed that she would not want to leave that, and was forced to wonder if I could give my country up as well. So thanks for pointing that out to me again, it's an important consideration of course.

Which leads to my actual question: What are the reasons that it WOULD work out? Just because of all the challenges people name, there should be a thing which overcomes all the doubt. I feel it's love and the attraction to a 'certain kind' of lady, but is that the only thing? What do you all think about that?

--hide--


What are the reasons that it WOULD work out?

1) Discerning that the relationship is really what God wills for both of you is the one important reason to make it work...(constant and persevering prayer is crucial to the discernment process.)

2) Then the courage and willingness to sacrifice considering the distance...Constant communication will save the day in this regard and Skype is a wonderful tool! (Skype worked for me except in one.)

3) Honesty and sincerity about how each one truly feels and the willingness to affirm it in words often would do a lot to prevent confusion and possible wrong perceptions.

4) The willingness to forgive the other person when mistakes are committed AND the ability to "bounce" back to normal, giving another chance to the other person. After all, nobody is perfect.

5) Praying for and with each other...God's grace and the inspirations obtained in prayer will always keep any couple "in step" with God's Will for them.

6) Doing and giving your best to the relationship at each moment, even with the limitations of distance, will always keep both your mind and heart at peace.

One last thought: Successful relationships don't just happen; it entails work from BOTH parties. biggrin
Jan 13th 2013 new

Well Frank,

I have had 4 long distance relationships. I am 53 and still single. My last relationship did not particularly end because of distance, it put a great deal of strain on it. He was an alcoholic and could easily hide this from me. I had suspicions but there are ways to hide things on Skype and on the phone. I feel I could have spared myself the anguish and the time (important at my age) if we lived in the same locale. I think I would have been able to see it faster.

All relationships were basically on the phone, talking. We could not spend quality time with each other. When we did have time together, it felt rushed and we knew the inevitable was coming. I could never call them and say "Come over, I just made a huge pot of chili". Or he could never say, "Would you like to go to mass with me tomorrow?". If you did have sometime together, over half that time was spent traveling to get there. And of course there is the expense, which I know I can not afford. And the last and most important thing, I know I would not move. I just know myself. I have lived in 4 different cities, including Tucson, AZ., and I don't want to leave where I live and work.

It is good to have friends from all over, but I will never ever have another long distance relationhip.


If you have a lot of money, a lot of time, if you have patience, if you don't mind not seeing the person and if you are willing to move, then I think I would do what your heart tells you .


Just speaking for myself, I try to learn from my mistakes. I have asked myself why things went wrong in any relationship? What things could I do better? Who could might better suit me? And then I pray for guidance to the Holy Spirit.

Jan 13th 2013 new

Well Frank,

I have had 4 long distance relationships. I am 53 and still single. My last relationship did not particularly end because of distance, it put a great deal of strain on it. He was an alcoholic and could easily hide this from me. I had suspicions but there are ways to hide things on Skype and on the phone. I feel I could have spared myself the anguish and the time (important at my age) if we lived in the same locale. I think I would have been able to see it faster.

All relationships were basically on the phone, talking. We could not spend quality time with each other. When we did have time together, it felt rushed and we knew the inevitable was coming. I could never call them and say "Come over, I just made a huge pot of chili". Or he could never say, "Would you like to go to mass with me tomorrow?". If you did have sometime together, over half that time was spent traveling to get there. And of course there is the expense, which I know I can not afford. And the last and most important thing, I know I would not move. I just know myself. I have lived in 4 different cities, including Tucson, AZ., and I don't want to leave where I live and work.

It is good to have friends from all over, but I will never ever have another long distance relationhip.


If you have a lot of money, a lot of time, if you have patience, if you don't mind not seeing the person and if you are willing to move, then I think I would do what your heart tells you .


Just speaking for myself, I try to learn from my mistakes. I have asked myself why things went wrong in any relationship? What things could I do better? Who could might better suit me? And then I pray for guidance to the Holy Spirit.

Jan 13th 2013 new

Sorry I have no idea how that post got on there twice.

Jan 13th 2013 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: I will just list them out: people trying to use you to get immigration status to your country, not sh...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

I will just list them out: people trying to use you to get immigration status to your country, not sharing the same language, not sharing the same culture, huge airline expenses to fly to see each other, the loneliness of the one who move to the other's country away from everything he/she has known, the inability to spend time with each other before marriage often, or for extended time periods, not being able to "investigate" someone (actually look into their situation/background because they are in another country, or be able to talk to their friends, even possibly know anyone who might know them, etc.), maybe rushing into a decision to marry, because you have traveled all the way to Columbia to meet some woman and you feel like you better propose right now, other countries' family reaction to some guy from somewhere swooping in via the internet to "take their daughter away...."

That is what I can think of. You are very young...don't think the fact you have not found a woman yet of your own culture, or continent suggest that you are not appealing to someone closer to you than South America. Look all over the world, if you hae the means to travel there, but keep looking near you as well. There are millions of girls out there...it just takes one.

--hide--

So, if the man God intended for you lives on another continent you rule him out because of your rules? What if God answered your prayers for a spouse a long time ago but you just didn't listen?

Jan 13th 2013 new

It takes both parties to decisively commit and be honest with the whole LDR. Just thinking about this subject I find it ironic a little because some countries are known to have many immigrants from different parts of the world. Therefore you don't have to look too far to see that within your country that there are other singles who have different cultures smile. However, there is still that chance you want to travel to pursue that "specific" beautiful lady.

Believe it or not at my young age I've pursued an LDR once already in the past where the lady lived in the state of Wisconsin. You can call me being heavy on the "hopeless romantic" scene as in mailing hand written letters. I've taught of burning the letters in the past she wrote me but decided that I'll use them as a reminder to myself of my ability to pursue romance far from my home.

The family members and friends who knew about my short lived LDR was surprised about me trying it. The common advice I got out of it from a failed LDR outside of Canada is stick to my area code or at the most within the country. I've heard stories about it working but I truly believe that it has to be taken seriously by both parties involved.


On the part of warning signs:

1) I've come across with another gal in the past where the family can get involved with the whole immigration situation. You might feel like you're dealing with something too personal from the beginning. It might be good on you to help but your taking a risk on trusting everything they say even if you happen to like the woman. Just keep in mind about conversations regarding "immigrations."


Jan 13th 2013 new

Peter, I don't know where you are getting from my post that I have rules about intercontinental dating...I just listed out reasons for concern.

I have had several LDRs. I get few international contacts. I don't think I have missed God's man for me living on another continent. But thanks for your concern.

Jan 13th 2013 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: Peter, I don't know where you are getting from my post that I have rules about intercontinental d...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

Peter, I don't know where you are getting from my post that I have rules about intercontinental dating...I just listed out reasons for concern.

I have had several LDRs. I get few international contacts. I don't think I have missed God's man for me living on another continent. But thanks for your concern.

--hide--

I'm sorry Pat! Even though I re-read your post three times I still managed to misinterpret you. I'll go stand in the corner wearing the silly hat for a while. lil mikie

Jan 13th 2013 new

(Quote) Pat-5351 said: Peter, I don't know where you are getting from my post that I have rules about intercontinental d...
(Quote) Pat-5351 said:

Peter, I don't know where you are getting from my post that I have rules about intercontinental dating...I just listed out reasons for concern.

I have had several LDRs. I get few international contacts. I don't think I have missed God's man for me living on another continent. But thanks for your concern.

--hide--

Good response Pat. I too am wondering what about your post implied that. scratchchin

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