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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

01/12/2013 new

Elizabeth, those sound like good ideas. I have been on very few dates, and was quite nervous on those few.

(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said: Here are some for starters, John. Where did you grow up? W...
(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said:


Here are some for starters, John.


Where did you grow up?


What is your family like?


What do you like to do in your spare time?


Tell me about your job?


Good for you for wanted to know more about her. The last date I went on all he wanted to talk about was himself. After an hour an a half I was a bit bored and couldn't wait to go home. I couldn't believe I lasted that long.


- Elziabeth

--hide--

01/13/2013 new

(Quote) Jim-826315 said: Elizabeth, those sound like good ideas. I have been on very few dates, and was quite nervous on tho...
(Quote) Jim-826315 said:

Elizabeth, those sound like good ideas. I have been on very few dates, and was quite nervous on those few.

--hide--


Jim, most women are nervous, just like you on the first date and maybe even on the second date. 99% of the time, she's there hoping the two of you will have fun and enjoy each other's company, just like you are. There are a few things about men and women that are the same. Women, like men, want to think they are important. So ask her about herself and really want to find out who she is and what she thinks. If she is not interested in who you are and what you think, I would highly suggest that you make that your last date with that particular woman. Self-centered people make terrible partners of any kind and they especially make bad spouses.


Try to have fun. You might even talk about the funniest thing that happened to you and ask her what the funniest thing is that happened to her. If you can laugh together, you'll enjoy each other's company more.

I'll look forward to hearing how your next few dates go. Just remember that the only way to be sure you won't find what you are looking for is to sit on the bench. It may be safe there, but you'll never hit a home run in the dugout.


May St. Joseph and St. Raphael pray for guidance in your search. Take heart, Jim, the shyest of guys make some of the best husbands.


- Elizabeth

01/13/2013 new

(Quote) Tara-916865 said: Hmm... maybe she's nervous. Or maybe y'all aren't personalities ...
(Quote) Tara-916865 said:


Hmm... maybe she's nervous. Or maybe y'all aren't personalities that mesh. If it's that much work to make someone talk, I don't know.... that's just awkward and not fun.

--hide--

Tara is right on the money. I'm not dating right now (pending annulment decision, hopefully favorable, and hopefully coming this month), but have found in my past that some ladies are nervous and have trouble relaxing enough to talk on a first date. For that reason, I don't do dinner/lunch dates where there is much sitting and waiting, and seek activity dates such as hiking, where the focus isn't on having to maintain conversation the entire time. Small talk doesn't come naturally to this huge introvert.


Also, discerning whether the person "meshes" with me before dating is key. This is one reason I worry about online dating, because it is somewhat of an artificial environment for meeting, and I can't see a person--in person a few times--before deciding whether to date her and how to better relate to her (by picking up on certain personality traits, etc.) For me, I have found that it takes an assertive and self-confident lady who can lead the conversation at least some of the time, and who is comfortable enough with herself to offset some of my anxiety/introvert behavior.

Moreover, I have found that activity dates work best for first meetings. Then I'm more comfortable with having a meal together at a restaurant (but would prefer to COOK a meal together over enduring an awkward restaurant scenario...) Nothing like doing something together to take the focus off of maintaining conversation.

And, I have found that relaxing is key, and trying to let >her< do most of the talking. Heheh. Can't wait to begin dating again soon! I think I've probably come a long way since my younger days, as far as dating ease is concerned!

Michael
Michael

01/13/2013 new

(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said: ...Take heart, Jim, the shyest of guys make some of the best husbands. - Elizabeth...
(Quote) Elizabeth-462557 said:

...Take heart, Jim, the shyest of guys make some of the best husbands.


- Elizabeth

--hide--

SO, there's hope for all of us shy guys, eh? clap clap clap Praying Praying Praying

01/13/2013 new

(Quote) Jim-826315 said: Elizabeth, those sound like good ideas. I have been on very few dates, and was quite nervous on tho...
(Quote) Jim-826315 said:

Elizabeth, those sound like good ideas. I have been on very few dates, and was quite nervous on those few.

--hide--


Jim,

What kinds of things are you into? Try to find a lady who shares your hobbies, and schedule a meeting with her to do something together that you both enjoy. Don't think of the outing as a date... that puts lots of pressure on you... just think of the outing as a chance to go have fun and enjoy each other's company.

Dating nervousness is no fun... I dread dinner dates, and have found that a positive outlook and cheerful, relaxed attitude come more easily when doing something both people enjoy.

Good luck, and prayers for you.


Michael

01/13/2013 new

(Quote) Michael-780154 said: Also, discerning whether the person "meshes" with me before dating is key. This is on...
(Quote) Michael-780154 said:

Also, discerning whether the person "meshes" with me before dating is key. This is one reason I worry about online dating, because it is somewhat of an artificial environment for meeting, and I can't see a person--in person a few times--before deciding whether to date her and how to better relate to her (by picking up on certain personality traits, etc.) For me, I have found that it takes an assertive and self-confident lady who can lead the conversation at least some of the time, and who is comfortable enough with herself to offset some of my anxiety/introvert behavior.

Moreover, I have found that activity dates work best for first meetings. Then I'm more comfortable with having a meal together at a restaurant (but would prefer to COOK a meal together over enduring an awkward restaurant scenario...) Nothing like doing something together to take the focus off of maintaining conversation.

--hide--


Agreed, agreed! I think it is easier to see what someone is like when they are doing something as opposed to just saying something. The activity itself also brings up topics of conversation that can take the focus off of the Nervous Nellies on the date.

01/13/2013 new

I agree with what Laura and Tara said. Just be yourself, honest, and talk about what gets you going (e.g., hobbies, travel, interests, etc.). Surely everyone has at least one or two things on which they're passionate about and enjoy discussing?

01/13/2013 new

(Quote) ed-925050 said: If her response is "I like reading, what about you?" ... and the very next thing you say i...
(Quote) ed-925050 said:

If her response is "I like reading, what about you?" ... and the very next thing you say is "What do you like eating? ... then you messed up. BADLY.

Your response should be "I like to read as well! One of my favorite authors is _______! I like to read works by him/her because I think about _____ whenever I read about _______. And who are your favorite authors?

You should then show interest in what she likes to read... Shakespeare, Keats, etc. Ask a DEEPER question about what she responded with. And when she answers, then pause to think about what she said and respond with a thought, comment, or another question that goes DEEPER into the response she gave you.


example:


She: I like to read __________. Silence.

You: Oh, what do you like about __________?

She: I don't know. I just like to read. Silence.

You: __________ literature is something I don't know much about. Can you tell me a bit about _________?

She: Well, I like that he/she writes about ___________.

You: Oh, very nice! I never knew that much about this writing. How DO YOU FEEL when you read his/her works?

She: Makes me feel sad/happy/elated/vulnerable because it reminds me of __________....


So, in my opinion, for what its worth:

1.) Be able to go at least 2 or 3 layers deep into any topic that she enjoys. You should be able to do that regardless of what the subject is. It shows you are PRESENT. One word answers automatically deserve follow ups.

2.) Don't be worried or concentrating on the next question you want to ask her, because you wont be PAYING ATTENTION to what she is saying and you wont BE IN THE MOMENT.


If it is truly one word answers back and forth the whole night, then take my advice and move on.... Its not supposed to be hard work to communicate, especially at the earliest stages of a relationship.

--hide--

Could not be better said. Communication is so vital in a marriage and dating is even less pressure than what you might have to endure in a marriage.

01/14/2013 new

Your first F2F should be natural, exciting and fun. If you are going back with one word answers and the conversation isn't going so well, then it is too much work and you are probably not compatible and definately not enjoying eachother. I think the first few minutes believe it or not are the most important and you should just order water or a barley pop for the road if it's too much work and then say check please embarassed wink


Ed has some great advice biggrin

01/14/2013 new
John, First let me say best wishes and God bless. Good advice is given here, but I'd also say, don't worry about pauses in the conversation. I think sometimes we get so nervous about having to fill up the space that it becomes an unnecessary worry. Hope it goes really well for you! John
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