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Discussion related to living as a Catholic in the single state of life. As long as a topic is being discussed from the perspective of a single Catholic then it will be on-topic.

Tobias and Sarah's story is from the Book of Tobit, and his journey is guided by Saint Raphael.
Learn More: Tobias & Sarah as led by Saint Raphael

01/14/2013 new

(Quote) Renee-288471 said: My opinion here is what I see so far. The older ones telling those under 30 t...
(Quote) Renee-288471 said:

My opinion here is what I see so far.


The older ones telling those under 30 they have time and shouldn't be so worried.


The younger ones disregarding the life experiance of those above 30


People of any age posting when the question was directed to males/females/over a certian age/under a certian age/with kids/without kids/ traditional/etc.


People making blanket statments that are hurtful, even if they are true.


People making rash judments about where they live being inadequite while they may not be looking in the right places for what they desire.



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Thanks for sharing that and I am truly sorry if you have been hurt by any one on this site. Can you share some specific concerns if you feel comfortable?


People making blanket statments that are hurtful, even if they are true.

I do think that sometimes in our desire to call each other on, me included, we can be hurtful without knowing it. I know that those of us speaking these truthful statements have a desire for it to shared in love so I am sorry if in our flawed humanity it comes off differently. It is so good we have this site to communicate truth to each other and I will truly try my best to be better at that. If at any time you feel like anything I said was hurtful to you, please PM me and we can talk it out. Sometimes sharing truth or calling each other on can be so hard especially when we do not know each other personally and you can not hear the tone of the other person's voice or see their body language.

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01/14/2013 new

(Quote) Shara-929649 said: All over the past week and a half there have been so many threads where people have been vocalizi...
(Quote) Shara-929649 said:

All over the past week and a half there have been so many threads where people have been vocalizing extreme frustration, anger, resentment, and in some cases outright despair with this fora and with the process on this site. Some people even seem to think that others are slandering them behind their backs in the private message arena. All of this is extrmely unhealthy and has no place in a Catholic fora.

I am new here and I am sure that even if I had been on here for a while that I could not claim perfect understanding of the process. However, I do think that this site what developed for us to meet Catholic brothers and sisters that we would not have a chance to otherwise, to build a community of support in the often challenging single life, to help each other get to heaven and to hopefully find a good healthy romantic relationship.

Therefore since we seem to be moving away from that I started this thread as a chance for people to share their views in a healthy way. No accusations or sacarsm allowed ( me included as I am guilty of that too).

In the spirit of healthy conversation we will use "I" statements. Meaning instead of saying you did this and caused me hurt we will say When I heard this or this action took place "I" felt this way and thought this is what you were saying to me.People can respond by saying I am sorry that you felt this way but this is what I meant or this is what I was trying to do.

Part of the single life is learning to work through arguements in a healthy way. Marriage is going to bring disapgreements just like we have in this fora but it is learning how to handle them and have everyone leave the discussion feeling loved and with their dignity intact that is important. It does not mean that we have to accept bad behavior but that we learn to communicate with each other in a healthy and respectful way. That is going to help all of us in marriage and is needed to be learnt by all including me. We all have something that we can learn from each other and as we prepare for the married life possibly we can use this time to grow with each other in a healthy way. To use this time to learn how to communicate with another person of a different temperament or view point than ourselves. To learn how to encourage and mentor each other in a loving way. The world breaks us and beats us down enough. We should be able to come here to be built up.

Again ground rules, no accusations, no "you" statements and or mentioning each other by name directly, no highhanded or preachy behavior, no insults, no inappropriate jokes and no sacarsm. ( I know that is a lot of rules) Just humilty and love as a community of believers in one faith recognizing that each of us are in different places in our journey with Christ.

St Josemaria says that we are like rough diamonds and it is only by rubbing hard on the people, circumstances and trials in life that we can become the polished jewels that God desires us to be.

I truly ask for the intercession of Sts.Tobias and Sara that we may use this thread to learn to express ourselves going forward more effectively. That this thread be taken in the Spirit that it was intended.

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I feel uncomfortable when I read the strong negativity in some of CM’s threads. I feel sad and pained when I read sarcastic comments made to hurt or humiliate someone, more so when the person to whom they are responding was stating their opinion in a much less hurtful way. I understand being annoyed at some people’s posts for whatever reason. I also understand that many people jump to anger or react in bitterness or get defensive when they read someone else’s words when some “button” of theirs was pushed, and that hurt makes them lash out rather than perhaps examining why they are emotionally reacting that way to a post. Recognizing this, I can temper my own public responses and word them in a way that won’t exacerbate the hurt feelings going on.

If my main goal is to be a loving sister in Christ to everyone, then I work hard at phrasing my views carefully and as objectively as I can, even when I know what I will say might hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t choose to purposely lash out at a person with a mean intent, but I do recognize that each reader is in a different frame of mind than I am, based on their life experiences and present emotional or mental state of mind, and my words can be variously interpreted.

A beloved priest friend of mine once said, “A person with a toothache does not act like a normal person.” This means that people who act grumpy, etc towards someone in a disproportionate manner are suffering from a hurt that is not evident to me. I think this applies to all of us to some degree. I don’t know all of your life story when I interact with you on CM (and this applies even to those I’ve become better friends with). You might have been abused, or you might have chronic physical pain, or your best friend recently died, or you got a flat tire on your way to work, or the boss yelled at you, or a million other things could have happened to make you less than loving toward me or toward others. Again, if my main objective is to be a loving sister in Christ, then I should find a way to take that into consideration and softly deal with you. At the same time, I might be suffering from pain as well as you are. But I can’t control you or your actions. The only person I can control is myself, and even that can be a challenge for me. The best I can wish is that I be forgiven for my occasional lapses, and extend the same courtesy to you.

If I encounter someone here on CM whose words or attitudes I find objectionable, I do have the choice simply not to respond to them. Then I am not perpetuating the “bad”.

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01/14/2013 new

I think this is going to be unsuccessful Shara.

Because, those that risk showing an opposing viewpoint are not really going to be heard.

That an understanding of their viewpoint is not solicited and appreciated as growing the conversation but that it is banished as bad, insteading of being understood. Even a gang up mentality seems to happen.

(I think I am trying to do an example of it. I don't know how it can be resolved.)

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01/14/2013 new

(Quote) Lina-796057 said: I feel uncomfortable when I read the strong negativity in some of CM’s threads. I feel sad a...
(Quote) Lina-796057 said:

I feel uncomfortable when I read the strong negativity in some of CM’s threads. I feel sad and pained when I read sarcastic comments made to hurt or humiliate someone, more so when the person to whom they are responding was stating their opinion in a much less hurtful way. I understand being annoyed at some people’s posts for whatever reason. I also understand that many people jump to anger or react in bitterness or get defensive when they read someone else’s words when some “button” of theirs was pushed, and that hurt makes them lash out rather than perhaps examining why they are emotionally reacting that way to a post. Recognizing this, I can temper my own public responses and word them in a way that won’t exacerbate the hurt feelings going on.

If my main goal is to be a loving sister in Christ to everyone, then I work hard at phrasing my views carefully and as objectively as I can, even when I know what I will say might hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t choose to purposely lash out at a person with a mean intent, but I do recognize that each reader is in a different frame of mind than I am, based on their life experiences and present emotional or mental state of mind, and my words can be variously interpreted.

A beloved priest friend of mine once said, “A person with a toothache does not act like a normal person.” This means that people who act grumpy, etc towards someone in a disproportionate manner are suffering from a hurt that is not evident to me. I think this applies to all of us to some degree. I don’t know all of your life story when I interact with you on CM (and this applies even to those I’ve become better friends with). You might have been abused, or you might have chronic physical pain, or your best friend recently died, or you got a flat tire on your way to work, or the boss yelled at you, or a million other things could have happened to make you less than loving toward me or toward others. Again, if my main objective is to be a loving sister in Christ, then I should find a way to take that into consideration and softly deal with you. At the same time, I might be suffering from pain as well as you are. But I can’t control you or your actions. The only person I can control is myself, and even that can be a challenge for me. The best I can wish is that I be forgiven for my occasional lapses, and extend the same courtesy to you.

If I encounter someone here on CM whose words or attitudes I find objectionable, I do have the choice simply not to respond to them. Then I am not perpetuating the “bad”.

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I agree that we can all, me included use a good dose of humilty and Christian empathy in our posting. Hopefully this challenges all of us to make a conscious effort to do. Thanks Lina.

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01/14/2013 new

(Quote) Andrea-368827 said: I think this is going to be unsuccessful Shara. Because, those that risk showing an oppos...
(Quote) Andrea-368827 said:

I think this is going to be unsuccessful Shara.

Because, those that risk showing an opposing viewpoint are not really going to be heard.

That an understanding of their viewpoint is not solicited and appreciated as growing the conversation but that it is banished as bad, insteading of being understood. Even a gang up mentality seems to happen.

(I think I am trying to do an example of it. I don't know how it can be resolved.)

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Thanks for sharing that Andrea as I never thought of it before that maybe the people that are truly hurt may be afraid to vocalize it out of fear of being hurt again. I hope though that they try to give us onemore shot at understanding and hearing. If we are to grow as a community of singles on CM then we have to be willing to share with each other.

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01/14/2013 new

(Quote) Andrea-368827 said: Victor, I think I hear you saying that if a topic is described and another comes al...
(Quote) Andrea-368827 said:


Victor, I think I hear you saying that if a topic is described and another comes along and disagrees with the pronouncement - that the individual(s) that disagrees is shouted down by the others. That right?

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Victor if this is indeed how you feel we want to know. Please share

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01/14/2013 new

Shara, thank you so much for starting this thread. I do pray that it will be a place where people can state their views in a loving manner and have them received as such, no matter where they stand.

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01/14/2013 new

(Quote) Shara-929649 said: Some people even seem to think that others are slandering them behind their backs in the private ...
(Quote) Shara-929649 said:

Some people even seem to think that others are slandering them behind their backs in the private message arena. All of this is extrmely unhealthy and has no place in a Catholic fora.

--hide--


I know that this happens because I have been on the receiving end of the behind the back nonsense. I, however, didn't particularly care because I found the whole thing amusing. I am glad I am not a pretty young woman because I imagine that is probably the only thing worse than being a man with an opinion on the CM fora. I feel the forums are too cliquey, but they do help kill time at work on occasion.

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01/14/2013 new
Hi Shara! I think this is a great post & it's really made me pause and reflect on some of my actions & also how some of the fora posts have affected me. I would call myself a fora "lurker". I read most posts, but rarely comment on them. Someone else usually has already worded something close to what I would have said, so most of the time it feels pointless to respond. Lately, I've felt some fora posts have been really negative & judgmental. On several occasions, I've finished reading a post & all of the comments & left feeling awful about myself for some of the choices I've made in life. I don't feel this way about all of the posts. There have been a number of other positive & uplifting posts I've read as well. I think everyone, myself included would do well to remember that there are real people, with hearts & feelings on the other side of that computer monitor. A little kindness goes a long way. We should do our best to remember God's greatest message: "Love one another as I have loved you."

hug
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01/14/2013 new

I am going to generalize for the purpose of making a point but I do think that many original posts (OP) which express frustration, hurt or anger are rarely looking for solutions but simply wanting others to affirm their feelings. Thus when someone offers disagreement or other perspective even with a authentic spirit of care and wanting to help it is usually shot down very defensively. While I can empathize & sympathize with this feeling it rarely is helpful to oneself or people around them especially a potential match.

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