(Quote) Shara-929649 said:
All over the past week and a half there have been so many threads where people have been vocalizi...
(Quote) Shara-929649 said:
All over the past week and a half there have been so many threads where people have been vocalizing extreme frustration, anger, resentment, and in some cases outright despair with this fora and with the process on this site. Some people even seem to think that others are slandering them behind their backs in the private message arena. All of this is extrmely unhealthy and has no place in a Catholic fora.
I am new here and I am sure that even if I had been on here for a while that I could not claim perfect understanding of the process. However, I do think that this site what developed for us to meet Catholic brothers and sisters that we would not have a chance to otherwise, to build a community of support in the often challenging single life, to help each other get to heaven and to hopefully find a good healthy romantic relationship.
Therefore since we seem to be moving away from that I started this thread as a chance for people to share their views in a healthy way. No accusations or sacarsm allowed ( me included as I am guilty of that too).
In the spirit of healthy conversation we will use "I" statements. Meaning instead of saying you did this and caused me hurt we will say When I heard this or this action took place "I" felt this way and thought this is what you were saying to me.People can respond by saying I am sorry that you felt this way but this is what I meant or this is what I was trying to do.
Part of the single life is learning to work through arguements in a healthy way. Marriage is going to bring disapgreements just like we have in this fora but it is learning how to handle them and have everyone leave the discussion feeling loved and with their dignity intact that is important. It does not mean that we have to accept bad behavior but that we learn to communicate with each other in a healthy and respectful way. That is going to help all of us in marriage and is needed to be learnt by all including me. We all have something that we can learn from each other and as we prepare for the married life possibly we can use this time to grow with each other in a healthy way. To use this time to learn how to communicate with another person of a different temperament or view point than ourselves. To learn how to encourage and mentor each other in a loving way. The world breaks us and beats us down enough. We should be able to come here to be built up.
Again ground rules, no accusations, no "you" statements and or mentioning each other by name directly, no highhanded or preachy behavior, no insults, no inappropriate jokes and no sacarsm. ( I know that is a lot of rules) Just humilty and love as a community of believers in one faith recognizing that each of us are in different places in our journey with Christ.
St Josemaria says that we are like rough diamonds and it is only by rubbing hard on the people, circumstances and trials in life that we can become the polished jewels that God desires us to be.
I truly ask for the intercession of Sts.Tobias and Sara that we may use this thread to learn to express ourselves going forward more effectively. That this thread be taken in the Spirit that it was intended.
I feel uncomfortable when I read the strong negativity in some of CM’s threads. I feel sad and pained when I read sarcastic comments made to hurt or humiliate someone, more so when the person to whom they are responding was stating their opinion in a much less hurtful way. I understand being annoyed at some people’s posts for whatever reason. I also understand that many people jump to anger or react in bitterness or get defensive when they read someone else’s words when some “button” of theirs was pushed, and that hurt makes them lash out rather than perhaps examining why they are emotionally reacting that way to a post. Recognizing this, I can temper my own public responses and word them in a way that won’t exacerbate the hurt feelings going on.
If my main goal is to be a loving sister in Christ to everyone, then I work hard at phrasing my views carefully and as objectively as I can, even when I know what I will say might hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t choose to purposely lash out at a person with a mean intent, but I do recognize that each reader is in a different frame of mind than I am, based on their life experiences and present emotional or mental state of mind, and my words can be variously interpreted.
A beloved priest friend of mine once said, “A person with a toothache does not act like a normal person.” This means that people who act grumpy, etc towards someone in a disproportionate manner are suffering from a hurt that is not evident to me. I think this applies to all of us to some degree. I don’t know all of your life story when I interact with you on CM (and this applies even to those I’ve become better friends with). You might have been abused, or you might have chronic physical pain, or your best friend recently died, or you got a flat tire on your way to work, or the boss yelled at you, or a million other things could have happened to make you less than loving toward me or toward others. Again, if my main objective is to be a loving sister in Christ, then I should find a way to take that into consideration and softly deal with you. At the same time, I might be suffering from pain as well as you are. But I can’t control you or your actions. The only person I can control is myself, and even that can be a challenge for me. The best I can wish is that I be forgiven for my occasional lapses, and extend the same courtesy to you.
If I encounter someone here on CM whose words or attitudes I find objectionable, I do have the choice simply not to respond to them. Then I am not perpetuating the “bad”.